Tasting, Finding, Keeping: The Story of Never (20 page)

“I forgive you.”

I
feel
Ty smile behind me, don't ask how. I just know that he's standing there and that he's proud. I step back and feel like I should say something to Beth about him, like it's weird if I don't. She sees me step back and her eyes move to Ty's face. She looks at him and I can see what she's thinking.
This man is no good for my sister. This is the kind of guy that lies, that cheats on you when your back is turned, that's hot as hell in the bedroom, that's like fire to your ice, but who will melt you the first chance he gets.
I forgive her her judgments because I used to have them, too, but I know – or at least I think – that Ty isn't that way anymore. He's changed me, and I've changed him.

“Beth,” I begin just as I hear tires on the driveway. It's my other demon. My big one. “This is … ” I hold out my hand to indicate Ty in all his dark, twisted glory. “This is my … this is my Ty.” Beth smiles.

“Nice to meet you, Ty,” she finally says as Lettie grabs my arm and drags me back into the kitchen talking about rolls she made with India and how fluffy they are. Lorri is talking, too, and Darla is yelling, and there's just chaos everywhere. I'm not used to it, not anymore. There was once upon a time where I couldn't sleep without this noise all around me, this wild chaos, this mix of souls brushing against one another for the briefest of moments, but then I moved away and all I knew was loneliness. I knew how to connect my body with somebody else's, but I forgot about the rest of it. Slowly, oh so slowly, I start to remember.

“Help me through this?” I whisper to Ty, not realizing how much I need him in that moment. He presses the warm heat of his body against my back and bites my ear, just a quick nip before my sisters see, just a touch that paralyzes my whole being and gives me goose bumps.

“You've got me as long as you need me.”

Beth herds me and Ty into the kitchen and sits us down, afraid of my mother's reaction. Because she's so emotional, because she's so happy to see me, Beth thinks that my mother will be, too. She highly overestimates the woman.

My mother walks in with a pair of grocery bags in either hand. She doesn't see me at first. There are so many people in the kitchen that I can't really blame her. A sea of familiar faces surrounds me, girls and women with the same small, pointy noses, curved lips, and hazel eyes. We've all come from her, were born from her womb, and yet, we mean less to her than she means to herself. I don't think that's the way the world's supposed to work. How are you supposed to put yourself out there when there's nobody standing behind you? I thought the purpose of having parents was so that there was always someone there that loved you for you. Guess I was wrong.

“Sorry, I'm late,” she says as my sister, Beth, takes the bags from her hands with a sloppy smile and eyes full of tears. My mother pauses and looks her in the face for a long moment. She's wearing a halter top without a bra, a full, Gypsy skirt, and a pair of dangling earrings that swing like purple pendulums when she turns her head to face me. Time ceases to flow for a moment, breaks around us like waves around rocks. Her copper curls are scooped up like ice cream on her head, still just as pretty and shimmery as they were when I left, but her face is lined with pain and worry. This gives me hope for a brief moment, makes me think that something will change between us, that she'll be the mother I always wanted but never had. My heart starts to pump and I have to reach under the table and grab Ty's hand with an iron grip. It's slick and sweaty, almost as wet as mine with worry and fear.

“Mom.” It's one, simple word, one that gets Beth sobbing again and makes India smile. Jade remains emotionless, and the younger girls, too wound up to keep this tense silence, start to talk all at once. I don't hear any of them. I keep my gaze locked on my mother's and I smile through the tears that just won't stop.
I'm home, Mom,
I think at her.
I'm finally home.
I feel my heart healing, just a bit, just a tiny scab that covers some of the pain. And then she speaks, and it all goes to hell.

“Oh, Never?” she says, like she saw me yesterday. “You're here for dinner?”

Beth's face falls and Jade scrunches up her nose. The little girls, except for Maple, stop talking. She's still babbling nonsensically at a pair of dolls she's got on the floor near the refrigerator. Ty looks over at me and I can feel him asking if I need anything with his eyes. He can sense that I've just been pushed even closer to the proverbial edge. I've stumbled so far that I'm teetering now. Nobody but Angelica Regali has this power over me. Nobody except Ty McCabe. But then, he's sitting quietly by my side watching my life unfold like some sort of origami nightmare while my mother pretends that this is not the first time she's seen me in five fucking years.

“Really?” I whisper, my voice hardly audible over Maple's baby talk. “That's all you have to say to me?” I sound angry, furious. I can't hold my emotions back, not anymore. Holding back has gotten me where I am today. It's a miracle that I'm not halfway to the grave, riddled with disease, and broken in two.
Because of Ty.
I start to shake again when Angelica rolls her eyes to the ceiling and puts her hand on her hip. She sighs deeply, like she just can't be friggin' bothered.

“Never, you disappeared for five years without even the courtesy of a phone call. It's been a long while since I cried over you, honey. What do you want me to say? What was I supposed to do? Chase after you?”

“Well, for starters,” I say as I drop Ty's hand and rise to my feet. My chair squeaks across the linoleum floor. Maple starts to cry. “You could say 'Welcome home,' or 'It's nice to see you'. How about something like that?”

“Oh for Goddess' sake, Never Fontaine Regali. I'm glad to see you, but I'm not going to throw myself at your feet.”

“It's Never Ross,” I whisper. “Never Nicholas Ross.” My mother freezes and for once in her selfish, miserable life doesn't know what to say. Regali is her last name; Fontaine was her choice for a middle name. Nicholas Ross was my father's name and now legally, it's mine, too.

“I see.” This is all she says. Rage bubbles hot and fierce inside of me until I'm seeing red and purple and black swirls in front of my eyes, spinning away to nothing. Ty stands up and puts a hand on my shoulder, but it's too late, I've already snapped. I swing my arm at the basket of rolls India put on the table. They fly off the linoleum top and smash into the counter. The red and white checkered napkin flutters to the floor and lands on top of the bread.

Nobody speaks, but Maple continues to cry. Beth moves over to her and picks her up, tucks her tiny head beneath her chin and coos soothing words at her. I hope Beth is a better mother than Angelica because otherwise, I don't envy Maple the life she's going to have.

“Never,” India begins, but I hold up a hand.

“Maybe this was a mistake,” I whisper, wondering why the hell I came back here. To tie up loose ends? Really? I thought it would be that easy, that I could walk in here and be part of the family again? To be honest, it looks like they've done just fine without me, learned to function without Never, adapted to life without her. Do they really need me back? Do they really
want
me back? I move towards the door and Ty follows.

“Please don't go,” Beth calls after me, tears thick in her voice. She, at least, seems like she wants to make up with me. I pause with the screen door against my hand and look over at her. She's begging me with her eyes to stay. They're all bloodshot and red and puffy making her seem less like a Barbie doll and more like a person. That's the Beth I knew and loved. I smile, but it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

“I'll be back,” I say as I move outside with Ty at my heels. India follows not too far behind and stands next to Ty while I stare up at the moon and try to get my head to stop spinning.

“Never,” McCabe whispers and I have to close my eyes against his words because his voice is so perfect that I can't stand it. I want to turn around and throw my arms around his neck, cry into his chest, and let him hold me, but I can't do that. Not yet. I've seen everyone I need to see. Except one. Except for Noah fucking Scott. As soon as I lay eyes on him, speak to him, I'll know what to do, if coming here was right or wrong.

“Do you have a car I can borrow?” I ask India thinking that it's really weird that I can even ask that question. When I left, she was eleven. Now she's sixteen.
Holy shit, time really does fly, doesn't it?

“Um, yeah,” she says, voice so soft and perfect but not weak, never weak. I spin to face her and smile, this time without all of that bitterness. Her dad was a wandering musician, a guy who wore tight pants, cussed a lot, and sang ballads that could break your heart. My mother let them, but at least she got India. I kiss my sister's forehead and look over at Ty. He looks fucking perfect in the Midwest moonlight. It's different here, more pure somehow. I don't know why; it just is. I study his face with the glimmering piercings, his dark brown eyes, his colorful tattoos, and hold out my hand for a cigarette. India, maybe sensing that we need a moment alone, says, “I'll go get the keys,” and disappears inside for a moment.

Ty digs around in his back pocket, finds the box of Djarum Blacks and hands one to me.

“I think this counts as a special occasion,” he says softly, and I find that I can't agree more. Whether it's good or bad or beautiful or horrid, it's certainly special. How many family reunions will I have in my life? Hopefully this is the last. Hopefully I can find the strength to embrace them now or walk away forever. That's the plan anyway. Ty lights his cigarette first and leans down, pressing the cherry against mine. I inhale deeply and imagine that I'm inhaling more than the scent of cloves and tobacco, that I'm inhaling bits of Ty McCabe into my lungs, taking him deeper into me than I've ever accepted anyone else. I do this because I know the next thing that I'm going to say will break his heart. I can only hope that he understands.

“Here are the keys,” India says, stepping out on the porch and giving us both looks that say she's gotten the full anti-smoking propaganda that they spew in classrooms nowadays. I think to myself that she's a good girl and better off for it, but I don't put my cigarette down. “It's the old Ford by the barn. Sometimes it takes awhile to turn over, but it's a good truck.” I hold out my hand and tilt my head upwards so that I blow smoke towards the stars and not at India's face. The little monster is back, thanks to Mom, and it wants me to, wants to push her back and ask why she's smiling so big and looking at me like I'm so cool she can't even stand it. I don't want her to look at me that way because it means she looks up to me. Nobody should look up to me, not now, not ever.

“Look after Ty for me while I'm gone,” I say, dropping my chin and smiling at her. I let the cigarette dangle from my lips while I dig around my pockets and find my phone. “Let's trade numbers in case you need me.”

“Where are you going?” Ty asks as he grabs his cigarette between two fingers and crosses his arms over chest. His arm muscles tense, but his hand hangs limply while smoke curls through his nose ring and kisses his hair. I smile at India and wait for her to plug her number into my phone before I speak. Again, she somehow senses that Ty and I need another moment and bows back into the house. She isn't far away though, none of them are. I can hear them arguing about me in the kitchen as Ty raises his dark brows at me. “Well?” he asks, and I have to swallow three times before I can say what I need to say. “What's so fucking important that you can't take me with you?”

I drop my cigarette to the porch, amongst a heap of others and let it fizzle out on its own. When I raise my head, my eyes are closed because I can't look at Ty's face while I say this. I open my mouth three times and stop before I can ever utter the first syllable.
Why am I so fucking scared? What is wrong with me? Am I afraid of losing Ty? Do I even have enough of a hold on him to lose him?

“Come on, baby,” he says with a sigh, and I smile slightly because I've never liked hearing a guy say that before.
Baby.
It's always come across as something condescending, some stupid fucking pet phrase that makes them feel better about fucking me and walking off, like somehow calling me a nice name makes all the difference. Not with Ty. That's not at all how it is with him. “If you're going to walk away and leave me alone with a bunch of people
you
don't even know, you at least owe me an explanation. Where are you going?” My eyes pop open and my lips part; the words fall away like the last leaves in winter.

“To see Noah Scott.”

Ty blinks so slowly that for a second I think that something's wrong with me, that I'm not seeing the world in real time anymore.

“Fuck.”

That's all he says, just that. He's understandably upset by my statement, but he doesn't yell or throw something, he just stands there and looks at me like I'm some sort of treasure he's just found and doesn't want to let go of. His look makes me uncomfortable, and I glance away.

“I know it's weird to leave you here, but I … I just need to get away from my mom for a second, and I need to see Noah, and I want to take you with me, but I … ”

“But you're still in love with him?” Ty says, lips tight, cigarette falling away into ash, hitting the toe of his boot.

“I don't know … ”

“Fucking A, Never. If you are just say it.” Ty is angry. I get that. I do, but what can I say? Maybe cramming all of this shit into one night is a mistake, but I know that there's no way I'm sitting still right now, not with all this wild, crazy energy inside of me. I have to see Noah Scott and complete the cycle, so I can process things. It's the only way. I asked for Ty's help with my family, and in a way, I'm asking for it again. I need him to stay here, to let me do this on my own.

“You could wait in the car … ”

“Never, no.” Ty steps forward aggressively, and I meet his gaze with my own. His hand wraps in my hair and he pulls my face roughly to his, kissing me hard, marking me with his teeth, his tongue, his heat. I groan into his mouth, grab onto his lip ring and suck it into my mouth. He's the one that pulls away first, that drags his face from mine on the edge of a moan. I'm vaguely aware that India is watching from the screen door, but I can't help myself. Ty McCabe is the world's most tantalizing treat. “I am not going to go. I'm going to sit here with your weird fucking family who don't know me and think I'm some kind of punk rocker turned heroine addict while you dance the night away with Noah mother fucking Scott. And I'm going to do that because I love you.”

“Ty, stop.”

“No.” Ty grabs my arms firmly but not roughly. He makes me look at him, and I can see in his face that he isn't going to take any of my shit, not right now. “No, if you're going to do this, you're at least going to listen to me. I love you, Never. You might think I'm blowing smoke up your ass or trying to get into your pants or whatever, but listen to me. I have been with a lot of women.” I try to turn away, but Ty grabs my chin and stops me. “I have been with a lot of women,” he repeats, making my blood boil hot and angry.
And you've been with a lot of men. Get over it.
“But none of them, not a single fucking one, has made me feel the way you do.” Ty puts his ringed hand over his chest. “When I'm with you, Never, I feel like somebody who can do something, who means something, okay? So, listen, I don't know how you're going to find Noah Scott or if he already knows you're coming or hell, if you've been having cybersex with him for five years, and I don't give a shit. What I do know is that I love you, and that I want you to find yourself and come back to me. You do what you need to do, Never, and I'll be here waiting for you when you're done.” Ty releases me and steps back, digs out another cigarette and lights it with shaking hands. I'm standing there speechless and angry with myself because I know that even though Ty just gave me a piece of his dark, bloody, beating heart, that I'm going to get in that car and drive away. I'm going to drive away, but I vow to myself that I'm just going to see Noah and come right back.

After all, how could I not when I have a man like Ty McCabe waiting for me?