Tell Me a Riddle (16 page)

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Authors: Tillie Olsen

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BOOK: Tell Me a Riddle
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Page 66
See, she
wants
to come. Steady now, that's how.'' Adding mysteriously: "Remember your advice, easy to keep your head above water, empty things float. Float."
The singing a fading march for them, tall woman with a swollen leg, weaving little man, and the swollen thinness they help between.
The stench in the hall: mildew? decay? "We sit and rest then climb. My gorgeous view. We help each other and here we are."
The stench along into the slab of room. A washstand for a sink, a box with oilcloth tacked around for a cupboard, a three-burner gas plate. Artificial flowers, colorless with dust. Everywhere pictures foaming: wedding, baby, party, vacation, graduation, family pictures. From the narrow couch under a slit of window, sure enough the view: lurching rooftops and a scallop of ocean heaving, preening, twitching under the moon.
"While the water heats. Excuse me ... down the hall." Ellen Mays has gone.
"You'll live?" he asks mechanically, sat down to feel his fright; tried to pull her alongside.
She pushed him away. "For air," she said; stood clinging to the dresser. Then, in a terrible voice:
After a lifetime of room. Of many rooms.
Shhh.
You remember how she lived. Eight children. And now one room like a coffin.
She pays rent!
Shrinking the life of her into one room like a coffin Rooms and rooms like this I lie on the quilt and hear them talk
Please, Mrs. Orator-without-Breath.
Once you went for coffee I walked I saw A
 
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Balzac a Chekhov to write it Rummage Alone On scraps
Better old here than in the old country!
On scraps Yet they sang like like Wondrous!
Humankind one has to believe
So strong for what? To rot not grow?
Your poor lungs beg you. They sob between each word.
Singing. Unused the life in them. She in this poor room with her pictures Max You The children Everywhere unused the life And who has meaning? Century after century still all in us not to grow?
Coffins, rummage, plants: sick woman. Oh lay down. We will get for you the doctor.
''And when will it end. Oh,
the end." That
nightmare thought, and this time she writhed, crumpled against him, seized his hand (for a moment again the weight the soft distant roaring of humanity) and on the strangled-for breath, begged: "Man ... we'll destroy ourselves?"
And looking for answer-in the helpless pity and fear for her (for
her)
that distorted his face-she understood the last months, and knew that she was dying.
IV
"Let us go home," she said after several days.
"You are in training for a cross-country run? That is why you do not even walk across the room? Here, like a prescription Phil said, till you are stronger from the operation. You want to break doctor's orders?"
She saw the fiction was necessary to him, was
 
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silent; then: ''At home I will get better. If the doctor here says?"
"And winter? And the visits to Lennie and to Clara? All right," for he saw the tears in her eyes, "I will write Phil, and talk to the doctor."
Days passed. He reported nothing. Jeannie came and took her out for air, past the boarded concessions, the hooded and tented amusement rides, to the end of the pier. They watched the spent waves feeding the new, the gulls in the clouded sky; even up where they sat, the wind-blown sand stung.
She did not ask to go down the crooked steps to the sea.
Back in her bed, while he was gone to the store, she said: "Jeannie, this doctor, he is not one I can ask questions. Ask him for me, can I go home?"
Jeannie looked at her, said quickly: "Of course, poor Granny. You want your own things around you, don't you? I'll call him tonight.... Look, I've something to show you," and from her purse unwrapped a large cookie, intricately shaped like a little girl. "Look at the curlscan you hear me well, Granny?and the darling eyelashes. I just came from a house where they were baking them."
"The dimples, there in the knees," she marveled, holding it to the better light, turning, studying, "like art. Each singly they cut, or a mold?"
"Singly," said Jeannie, "and if it is a child only the mother can make them. Oh Granny, it's the likeness of a real little girl who died yesterdayRosita. She was three years old.
Pan del Muerto,
the Bread of the Dead. It was the custom in the part of Mexico they came from."
Still she turned and inspected. "Look, the hollow
 
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in the throat, the little cross necklace. . . . I think for the mother it is a good thing to be busy with such bread. You know the family?''
Jeannie nodded. "On my rounds. I nursed... Oh Granny, it is like a party; they play songs she liked to dance to. The coffin is lined with pink velvet and she wears a white dress. There are candles. . . . ."
"In the house?" Surprised, "They keep her in the house?"
"Yes, said Jeannie, "and it
is
against the health law. The father said it will be sad to bury her in this country; in Oaxaca they have a feast night with candles each year; everyone picnics on the graves of those they loved until dawn."
"Yes, Jeannie, the living must comfort themselves." And closed her eyes.
"You want to sleep, Granny?"
"Yes, tired from the pleasure of you. I may keep the Rosita? There stand it, on the dresser, where I can see; something of my own around me."
In the kitchenette, helping her grandfather unpack the groceries, Jeannie said in her light voice:
"I'm resigning my job, Grandaddy."
"Ah, the lucky young man. Which one is he?"
"Too late. You're spoken for." She made a pyramid of cans, unstacked, and built again.
"Something is wrong with the job?"
"With me. I can't be"she searched for the word-"What they call professional enough. I let myself feel things. And tomorrow I have to report a family. . . ." The cans clicked again. "It's not that, either. I just don't know what I want to do, maybe go back to school, maybe go to art school. I thought if you
 
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went to San Francisco I'd come along and talk it over with Momma and Daddy. But I don't see how you can go. She wants to go home. She asked me to ask the doctor.''
The doctor told her himself. "Next week you may travel, when you are a little stronger." But next week there was the fever of an infection, and by the time that was over, she could not leave the beda rented hospital bed that stood beside the double bed he slept in alone now.
Outwardly the days repeated themselves. Every other afternoon and evening he went out to his newfound cronies, to talk and play cards. Twice a week, Mrs. Mays came. And the rest of the time, Jeannie was there.
By the sickbed stood Jeannie's FM radio. Often into the room the shapes of music came. She would lie curled on her side, her knees drawn up, intense in listening (Jeannie sketched her so, coiled, convoluted like an ear), then thresh her hand out and abruptly snap the radio mutestill to lie in her attitude of listening, concealing tears.
Once Jeannie brought in a young Marine to visit, a friend from high-school days she had found wandering near the empty pier. Because Jeannie asked him to, gravely, without self-consciousness, he sat himself crosslegged on the floor and performed for them a dance of his native Samoa.
Long after they left, a tiny thrumming sound could be heard where, in her bed, she strove to repeat the beckon, flight, surrender of his hands, the fluttering footbeats, and his low plaintive calls.
Hannah and Phil sent flowers. To deepen her
 
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pleasure, he placed one in her hair. ''Like a girl," he said, and brought the hand mirror so she could see. She looked at the pulsing red flower, the yellow skull face; a desolate, excited laugh shuddered from her, and she pushed the mirror awaybut let the flower burn.
The week Lennie and Helen came, the fever returned. With it the excited laugh, and incessant words. She, who in her life had spoken but seldom and then only when necessary (never having learned the easy, social uses of words), now in dying, spoke incessantly.
In a half-whisper: "Like Lisa she is, your Jeannie. Have I told you of Lisa who taught me to read? Of the highborn she was, but noble in herself. I was sixteen; they beat me; my father beat me so I would not go to her. It was forbidden, she was a Tolstoyan.
*
At night, past dogs that howled, terrible dogs, my son, in the snows of winter to the road, I to ride in her carriage like a lady, to books. To her, life was holy, knowledge was holy, and she taught me to read. They hung her. Everything that happens one must try to understand why. She killed one who betrayed many. Because of betrayal, betrayed all she lived and believed. In one minute she killed, before my eyes (there is so much blood in a human being, my son), in prison with me. All that happens, one must try to understand.
"The name?" Her lips would work. "The name that was their pole star; the doors of the death houses fixed to open on it; I read of it my year of penal servitude. Thuban !" very excited, "Thuban, in ancient
* Follower of the novelist Tolstoy, who opposed the private ownership of property and supported the dignity of peasant life.
 
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Egypt the pole star. Can you see, look out to see it, Jeannie, if it swings around
our
pole star that seems to
us
not to move.
''Yes, Jeannie, at your age my mother and grandmother had already buried children . . . yes, Jeannie, it is more than oceans between Olshana and you . . . yes, Jeannie, they danced, and for all the bodies they had they might as well be chickens, and indeed, they scratched and flapped their arms and hopped.
"And Andrei Yefimitch, who for twenty years had never known of it and never wanted to know, said as if he wanted to cry: but why my dear friend this malicious laughter?" Telling to herself half-memorized phrases from her few books. "Pain I answer with tears and cries, baseness with indignation, meanness with repulsion . . . for life may be hated or wearied of, but never despised."
*
Delirious: "Tell me, my neighbor, Mrs. Mays, the pictures never lived, but what of the flowers? Tell them who ask: no rabbis, no ministers, no priests, no speeches, no ceremonies: ah, falselet the living comfort themselves. Tell Sammy's boy, he who flies, tell him to go to Stuttgart and see where Davy has no grave. And what? . . . And what? where millions have no gravessave air."
In delirium or not, wanting the radio on; not seeming to listen, the words still jetting, wanting the music on. Once, silencing it abruptly as of old, she began to cry, unconcealed tears this time. "You have pain, Granny?" Jeannie asked.
*Both passages come from Chekhov, "Ward No. 6."

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