Tell Me Why (9 page)

“Oh, I think I’m getting an idea.” She rubbed her palm over my hardness and I couldn’t help pressing into it with a groan.

There was a loud pounding on the door. “Hey! Are you two seriously going at it or what?” Stix’s voice called through. “Some of us need to use the head before we have to go back on stage.”

“Be out in a sec,” I replied through gritted teeth, forcing myself to step away from Anna. She sighed and sat up, color still staining her face as she slid off the counter. Turning her around, I fastened her bra back and smoothed her shirts down as we both watched in the mirror. Glancing down, I couldn’t help but notice her sweet little rear end, and I anchored my hips to hers, thrusting once against her. It was the wrong thing to do and I found myself fighting for control.

“You and I have unfinished business,” I growled, bending to kiss her neck.

“Soon,” she promised.

“Not soon enough,” I replied, wondering how I’d keep myself in check until next weekend.

Chapter Eleven

Caleb-

“Caleb? Caleb?” Danica's voice wakened me from a dead sleep and I quickly sat up in the recliner where I had been dozing.

“Mom?” I hurried to stand beside the bed, grasping her thin hand in mine. “How are you feeling?”

She glanced around the room, taking in her surroundings. “Where am I?” I could feel her weak body trembling.

“You’re in the hospital,” I replied in a soft tone, trying to ease her into the idea. “You had some trouble yesterday and we had to bring you here.”

“What happened?” she asked, her eyes wide.

“Well, you kind of had a nervous breakdown. I came home to check on you and found things in a pretty bad state. It looks like you’ve been having a rough time for a few days.”

“Oh no,” she wailed, yanking her hand away and grabbing for her bed covers, tossing them off her legs. “I’ve got to get home. Hank will be furious that I’m not there.”

“No, no. You’re fine,” I lied, figuring it was better than letting her get all worked up. “I called him and made sure everything was okay. He’s even going to clean the house for you while you’re gone. He just wants you to get better.”

“Don’t lie to me, Caleb,” she pleaded. “I know Hank hates me. He hates everything.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I responded, happy she seemed so lucid this morning. Maybe this was something that could be easily fixed. “I love you and I’ll make sure you’re taken care of.”

She smiled and patted my arm. “You’ve always been such a good kid.”

“That’s because you raised me well
.”

Her face dimmed once more. “I don’t want to see Hank anymore. He’s mean. He tried to hurt me.”

“What happened?” I asked, determined to get to the bottom of this. So help me, if he’d laid one finger on her, I was calling the cops and having his ass dragged back to prison.

“He kept telling me Jessi is dead.” My heart sank at her words. She wasn’t better at all. “Why would he do that?”

Tears welled in my eyes and I carefully stroked her messy hair away from her face. “I don’t know, Mama. I don’t know.”

“Where is Jessi? Is she here too?” Danica glanced around
, again.

“No. She’s resting
.. I’m the only one here right now.” I had a hard time forcing the words past the knot in my throat, but she didn’t appear to notice.

“I
’m so tired, Caleb. I want to rest too.”

“Then do it, Mom. You deserve it.”

She closed her eyes and drifted back to sleep. I was unsure how long I stood there stroking her hair and wondering whether or not it was to comfort her, or me. After a while, I eased back to the recliner, dozing off and on until someone touched me on the shoulder, causing me to jump from drowsy to wide awake.

“It’s me,” Melanie whispered, and I saw Anna standing beside her. “How are things looking this morning? Any change?”

Dismally, I shook my head. “No. She still doesn’t recognize that Jessi’s dead. I’m afraid I lied to her and told her Jessi was resting.”

“That’s what she needs apparently,” Melanie said. “It’s obvious her mind can’t handle the truth
yet.”

“I don’t know what to do,” I said, dragging both my hands through my hair and bunching it with my fists.

“Well, for right now, you’re going to let me sit with her and you’re going to spend the day with Anna. Take her on a date or something. Whatever you do, promise me you’ll try to have some fun. I know things are difficult at the moment and you’ve been under a lot of strain lately. I don’t want you to end up here like Danica because you’re driving yourself mad trying to take care of everyone else.”

I didn’t argue. I was wound tighter than the strings on my guitar and it
was
starting to get to me. “Thanks again, Melanie. I appreciate it.”

“Take all the time you need. James said he’d even be willing to come sit with her after he’s done with his morning rounds
upstairs. He delivered a couple of babies last night.”

My feelings
for the whole Vasquez family overwhelmed me. They were so caring and so giving. I wondered if that was why Jessi and I had gravitated to them so much. They were the family we always wished we had. We loved them all and it was obvious they felt the same. I was so grateful to have Anna and her parents in my life right now. They were the only things holding me together.

“Tell your husband thank you too.”

“We are happy to help. Now go enjoy your Sunday. Get showered and let Anna take you to get something to eat. You are looking thinner to me and that worries me.” She was probably right. I hadn’t been eating much lately; instead it seemed like my insides were eating me.

Anna slid her arm around my waist, guiding me toward the door. Slipping mine around her shoulders, I bent to kiss her on top of her head. Gone was the rockstar girl
from this morning, and in her place was the sweet innocent faced teenager with a ponytail in her hair. She looked amazing as ever.

“I think maybe after we get you fed, we should let you get some real sleep for a few hours. You look exhausted. Then
, if you feel like doing something, we can.”

“Yeah, that chair wasn’t the most comfortable thing to sleep in.”

“Don’t worry. You rest and let someone take care of you for a change.” Her words sounded like heaven to me.

“Promise me you’ll sleep next to me. That’s all I need
.”

“Deal. The guys have been worried about you too
. They’re willing to help any way they can. They even agreed to steer clear of the loft as much as possible so you can rest.”

“That’s nice of them. Right now though, all I need is you.”

“You’ve always had that.” She hugged me tighter. “And you always will.”

***

Having Anna wrapped snugly in my arms when I awoke was the greatest feeling in the world. For several moments, I imagined we were living together and she was mine to wake up to every day. I’d never felt this way about anyone else I’d dated. Plenty of girls had spent the night with me, only to gather their clothes off the floor the next morning and head home. Even my “official” girlfriends had never been invited to stay for more than a day at a time. Anna was different—it was obviously more than sexual gratification. We hadn’t even been together physically; and yet, I was still content to be with her just like this. If this was all I could ever have from her, it would be enough. I’d probably die of blue balls somewhere along the way, but at least I would die happy.

Happy. That was the whole point, wasn’t it? Anna made me happy. My world was falling down around me
; but even in the midst of all this turmoil and angst, she had the ability to make my heart soar. Whenever I was with her, it seemed as if the “bad” faded away into the background. Anna was my happy place.

This revelation caused me to
remember the other times in my life when she was there—times when she’d come to visit Jessi, moments spent playing together as kids, barbecues at her house, days on the lake with her family—it didn’t matter what memory it was, whenever Anna was there, I was always happy. She was easy to talk to and her laughter made me smile; and even though many friends had come and gone, she’d always been there—a consistent bright spot in my life.

Man, I was so stupid. I’d been in love with her for years and never even known it. How had I missed what was happening to my heart right before my eyes?

Glancing at her sleeping in my arms, I was tempted to wake her and share my revelation with her, but she looked so peaceful. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. She had been suffering right alongside me. I knew she needed the rest as badly as I did.

Guilt flooded me once more. I held the answers she wanted so desperately to know. I hated lying to her—hated it with a passion
; but I knew those answers wouldn’t bring her the peace she was seeking. They’d only make things worse. There was no way she could know the truth of Jessi’s letter. It would destroy her. It had nearly destroyed me. Anna had saved me from total destruction, and now it was my turn to protect her in the same way. It was natural for me. I’d played the role of protector for her my whole life; and I wasn’t about to stop now.

Rationalize all you want, McCord,
my inner voice said.
You know you don’t deserve her.
Nausea swept through me. I’d tried to stay away from her and it didn’t work. I nearly drank myself to death. Surely it was okay to do what I was doing if it was to protect everyone I loved, including myself? Sighing, I wondered if I would ever stop wrestling with my inner demons.

Anna shifted in my arms, rolling away from me with a small moan, as if she could feel my internal restlessness in her sleep. Carefully, I slid my arm from beneath her. Getting up, I
gently covered her with the blanket, moving to sit in the chair beside my bed, just staring at her for several long minutes.

Tortured thoughts continued to plague me until I saw my lyric book on the nightstand.
Emotional times were always best for me to write because it tapped into something inside of me that, in turn, created great lyrics. I lifted the book and began to write.

There’s a war going on inside my soul

Something so tortured and awful, it makes me feel cold

Lies rise like bile, threatening to creep out and steal it all

There’s no hope, no way out, all I can do is fall,

I’m so trapped inside, there’s nothing I can do,

All I can see is that I’m going to lose you too,

The words bubbled up from inside me, bleeding onto the paper as quickly as I could write them. My eyes misted over slightly, as I poured out the fears of my soul.

I’m dreaming of demons, they’re dragging me in,

Gonna make me pay for my terrible sin.

Reaching up to take me, ready to drag me to hell,

Claws shredding me apart, yet all I can do is yell.

Someone save me. Somebody let the light back in,

Someone save me. I don’t know how much longer I can swim.

A choking sensation filled my throat as my raw thoughts moved through me.

I know I’m losing, but I keep fighting anyway,

Sinking further and further, drowning more each day.

I’m searching for you beside me, but I know full well,

Beautiful angels are never allowed in hell.

Grasping at straws, can something stop the agony?

“Somebody save me,” I scream so frantic and desperately.

Hell, Hell, I’m going to Hell…

I’m dreaming of demons, they’re dragging me in,

Gonna make me pay for my terrible sin.

Reaching up to take me, ready to drag me to hell,

Claws shredding me apart, yet all I can do is yell.

Someone save me. Somebody let the light back in,

Someone save me. I don’t know how much longer I can swim.

The refrain summed everything perfectly.

In this

Misery, misery inside of me.

Misery, misery loves company.

Misery, misery I’m no longer free.

Misery, misery it’s killing me.

I’m dreaming of demons, they’re dragging me in,

Gonna make me pay for my terrible sin.

Reaching up to take me, ready to drag me to hell,

Claws shredding me apart, yet all I can do is yell.

Someone save me. Somebody let the light back in,

Someone save me. Don’t know how much longer I can swim.

I stared at the harsh painful words that had just been ripped from me
, proof that my emotions were tearing me apart from the inside out. I knew why Anna and her family were so worried about helping me. They were afraid I’d be the next one to crack. They were watching my family self-destruct before their very eyes. The only thing they didn’t know was that it was all my fault to begin with. I wondered if any of them would look at me the same if they knew the truth.

Glancing at the angel on my bed, the one I wanted more than anything, I couldn’t bear to lose her too. I’d lost everyone else important to me already. This was a crucial moment—whatever I decided right now would determine the outcome of everything else
in my future. There was no hesitation. I was going to do whatever I could to keep her. A piece of heaven was better than none at all—even if it meant lying to get it.