Tell Me Why (4 page)

Dumbfounded, I watched as he turned and hurried away, leaving me standing alone in the middle of the forest.

Chapter Five

Anna-

Standing at my bedroom window, I cast a worried glance at the darkening sky before looking down at my phone once again. I wasn’t sure why I bothered. It was clear Caleb hadn’t texted me. His Jeep was still parked in my driveway where I’d left it. Of course it was. The keys were in here. Rolling my eyes at myself, I let a long sigh escape as I moved away from the window and flopped on my bed.

Worry laced through me. He’d been gone for hours now. Visions of him lying in a ditch on the side of the road somewhere, after being hit by a car filled my mind. I wanted to go look for him, but I didn’t even know where to start. He could be anywhere on the island by now. Maybe he called a friend to get him? Or perhaps he caught the ferry and went home? But wouldn’t he have called me first?

Groaning, I crawled off the bed and paced back toward the window. Peering past the lace curtains and staring across the rooftops to where the water of Puget Sound was growing darker with nightfall, the lights of the city were beginning to twinkle on.

There was a tap on my bedroom door and I turned to see my mom poke her head in. “Sweetheart. You have company.” She pushed the door open wider to reveal Caleb standing there. “I’ll leave you two alone so you can talk.” She flashed me a sympathetic smile and left.

Caleb stepped inside and shut the door behind him before facing me. “Hey,” he said softly.

Hurrying across the room, I launched myself at him, throwing my arms around his neck.

“Whoa!” he exclaimed with a short laugh, sounding surprised, but wrapped his arms around me. “What brought all this on?”

Burying my face under his chin, I spoke against his skin. “I’ve been so worried about you! You’ve been gone for hours. There’s been no reply to my texts. All I could imagine was you lying dead somewhere and this horrible fear that I’d lost both Jessi and you was killing me.” Tears leaked down my cheeks, but I didn’t care. He could think I was stupid. It was his own fault for scaring me so badly.

His hands ran up and down my back in a soothing fashion. “I’m so sorry, Anna. I didn’t realize. My phone died, so I never received your messages.”

Even knowing he was here, I couldn’t stop panicking. It was like something had broken loose inside me. I realized Caleb had become my anchor. Yes, many were grieving right now; but he was the only one who really understood what I was going through.

“Please tell me what’s going on. You’ve been acting so strange lately. If I’ve done something to upset you, then tell me so I can fix it. I can’t lose you too.” There was no way I could let this rift I felt between us grow any bigger.

His grip on me tightened and he sighed. “You aren’t losing me. You couldn’t lose me if you wanted to.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, lifting my head so I could look him in the eye.

Staring back at me, I could read the hesitancy in his gaze. I didn’t miss the tick in his jaw again either.

I sighed. “You
are
upset with me. I can see it. What’s wrong?”

He shook his head. “I’m not upset with you. I’m mad at myself.” He didn’t look away and I could read the truth of his words in his expression, as
I heard it in his voice.

“Why? Is there something I can do? I want to help.” Truly, I’d do anything for him.

A wry laugh escaped him. “As nice as that would be, I’m afraid it will only make my problem worse.”

Confusion settled over me. “How come?” I asked, wanting to understand what he meant.

“Let’s just say, I wish things in my life were different right now. I want something I can’t have.”

Obviously, he missed Jessi. And he was right—wanting her back was something none of us could ever have, no matter how badly we wished for it.

“I miss her too,” I whispered softly.

“Huh?” Now he looked confused.

“Jessi. We all want her back. That’s what you meant, wasn’t it?”

“Oh. No,” he said and my eyes widened. “I mean
, yes,” he added quickly. “Of course I want her back, but that’s not what I was referring to.”

“Ah, sorry. I misunderstood. Well, can you talk to me about it?”

He honestly seemed more uncomfortable than I’d ever seen him, glancing away briefly, his eyes darting around my room. “Hmm, well, that’s where things get a little complicated.”

“If you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to. I respect your privacy. I only wanted to help you if I could. Sometimes talking about things can help to get the weight off your mind.”

“True, but in this case, I’m not sure it would.”

He didn’t trust me
; that much was apparent. It made me a bit irritated to know that despite what he said, I was still that “kid sister” in his mind. Letting my hands drop, I stepped from his embrace. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.” Turning away, I began walking toward the window, but he gripped my arm, bringing me around to face him.

“Anna, I . . . I want to tell you, but . . .” He swallowed hard, his gaze flitting across my features before resting on my mouth. “I can’t do this,” he whispered apologetically. Releasing me, he left the room, leaving me staring at the closed door.

“What the . . . ?” My voice drifted off as I spied his keys still resting on my desk. “Caleb, wait!” Grabbing them, I headed after him, catching him at the top of the stairs. He turned to look at me. “You forgot your—,” I was cut off as he seized me by the shoulders and pushed me against the wall, his mouth crushing mine.

Robbed of breath, surprise
flooded through me followed by a parade of fireworks as every cell in my body felt like it was exploding. I parted my lips, allowing his tongue to snake inside, groaning as it met mine. His keys fell to the floor as I slid my arms around his waist, hands fisting in his shirt. Pulling him closer, I didn’t want this moment to ever end. The feel of his hard body pressed firmly against me, his lips worshipping mine—it was exhilarating!

Caleb is kissing me!
The thought bounced through my head repeatedly. I knew I wasn’t dreaming—this was too real, better than anything I’d ever imagined. My legs were shaking under the strain of holding myself up and I simply wanted to melt into him, to become a part of him forever.

I love him.
The words were so simple. All the feelings and emotions I’d hidden away, denying myself from admitting, came rushing in full strength.
I love him.
It was as easy as that. There was a reason I cared about him as much as I did; and now there was no way I could refute the truth. He’d forced me to admit it.
I love him.

Goosebumps rose over my flesh as he trailed his fingertips down my arms, grabbing and placing them around his neck. My hands tangled into his dark hair, the blonde fringe along the edge tickling my cheek as he continued to devour my mouth.

Hands drifting below my hips, he slipped them around my backside, pressing our bodies even tighter together, the proof of his desire immediately evident. I moaned again, unable to help myself. His movements were so—risqué—but with a sort of desperation, as if he might drown if he didn’t hang onto me. I’d never been kissed like this before, with this kind of heat, this kind of passion. Never had I felt so out of control; and I liked it—I wanted more.

Kissing him like I imagined a lover would, I let my tongue tangle with his, pouring my heart back into him, wanting him to know how much he was needed—how much he was loved. If I could, I’d stamp it on his soul, so he would never feel lost
or alone, again. I was his for the taking.

Breaking away, he rested his forehead against mine, breathing heavily, his body trembling. My hands slid to his face, tracing his masculine jawline. I wanted to tell him I loved him, the words resting on the tip of my tongue, but he spoke first.

“Forgive me, Anna,” he said, and my heart fell. “I crossed the line. My emotions have been a mess and I unleashed them all on you. I promise it won’t ever happen again. It can’t happen again.” He released me, bending to retrieve his keys from where they’d fallen, before jogging down the stairs and out of my sight. I heard the front door close, followed shortly by the sound of his Jeep engine that grew fainter as he drove away.

Sliding down the wall, I sank to the floor in shock, his final words ringing in my mind.
“It can’t happen again.”
I didn’t even attempt to stop the tears from falling this time. My whole world, already drastically damaged, felt like it had just shattered.

Chapter Six

Caleb-

Desperation to escape my own head had driven me to the bottom of way too many bottles of alcohol. The corner of my bedroom was beginning to resemble a glass recycling plant, but I had yet to find the relief I was seeking—except for
those blessed few hours I managed to drink myself into a passed out cold oblivion. That was the only time my tortured mind was completely silent—when my alcohol soaked brain could only function enough to keep me alive.

Sleep wasn’t my friend either, with dreams viciously plaguing me, twisting between nightmares of Jessi and lustful delusions of Anna. I couldn’t seem to find any way to escape
; and I wondered if this was how Jessi had felt when she took her own life. Misery
was
my company.

Unbidden, the feel of Anna’s body in my arms and the way she responded to my kiss still lit up my senses. It had been two days now
; and despite my drunken stupor, I relived the moment over and over, until it was etched into my memory forever. I even imagined a few different, and definitely more scandalous, endings. There was no getting around it, I wanted her badly.

The door to my bedroom swung open and I lifted my head
to see Stix enter. He cast a concerned glance in my direction. “Got a minute?” he asked.

“Sure,” I replied, dropping my head back to my pillow in exhaustion, thinking I was suddenly feeling way too coherent again.

Shutting the door behind him, he walked over and plopped his lanky form into the black leather chair beside my bed, rubbing a hand over his recently buzzed, sandy hair. “You wanna talk?”

“Nope.” I didn’t even have to think about it. There was no way I could tell this to anyone. They wouldn’t understand.

“Well, too bad. I wanna talk, so you can just lie there and listen.”

I was too tired to argue with him
and simply continued to stare at the ceiling.

“Riley is right. Burying your feelings in a bottle of Jack isn’t going to help you at all. You seemed to be getting better, but then something happened the day you went to spread Jessi’s ashes. And I think I know what it is.”

I snorted. “You couldn’t possibly have any idea.” In a million years, even I would never have come up with this scenario.

He paused for a moment and I hoped he would go away. “Fine. I’ll leave you alone. This is going nowhere.” He stood and headed toward the door, pausing as he reached for the handle. “Oh, by the way, I figured I should run something by you and the rest of the band.”

I sighed, wishing he would leave me to wallow in peace. “What?”

“I plan on asking Anna out on a date.”

“Like hell you will!” I practically shouted, pushing up on my elbows to glare at him. The speed with which I moved made my head spin. “You stay away from her!” A knowing grin spread widely across his face and I realized, instantly, I’d been duped. This was all a ploy to get me to admit my feelings for her. “Eat shit, asshole,” I mumbled, collapsing back to my bed as he strolled to the chair once more.

“Now that we have that out of the way,” he began, “I have to wonder why you’re fighting this so hard. It’s clear to all of us you’re crazy about her. I think she feels the same way about you too
; so why not go for it? It’s gotta be better than wasting your days searching for the bottom of a bottle.” He cast a nod toward my growing glass sculpture in the corner.

“It’s not that simple. Believe me, if it
was, I’d have done something about it long ago.”

“Do you want her?” he asked
, point blank.

Clenching my jaw, I stared at him, anger pulsing through me. “You know I do.”

“Then what’s so hard? Go get the girl. We all support you.”

“I can’t. There’s . . . extenuating circumstances.”

“Like what?” He shifted so he was leaning on his knees.

“I can’t tell you.”

He looked offended. “Why not? We all tell each other everything.”

“It was a promise I made to Jessi, okay? All I can say is if it gets out
, it will mess up a whole bunch of lives.”

He appeared to ponder this new information before speaking again. “
So, don’t let it get out. If no one knows, then how can it stop you from having what you want?”

Gritting my teeth, I glared at him. “Just let it go. It can’t happen.”

“Fine.” He went back to the door, this time actually stepping through it before he turned around. “But you might want to think about this too. If you don’t claim Anna, someday someone else will. Can you handle watching that for the rest of your life?”

Fresh pain tore through my heart at his words. “She’s better off without me,” I lied.

Stix shook his head and closed the door behind him.

The truth was
that Anna wasn’t better off without me. No one knew her inside and out like I did. She’d even said herself that next to Jessi, I was her best friend. It was the perfect relationship to try and build a future on. And I loved her. I loved her like I believed no one else would ever love her. She’d be settling if she chose anyone other than me. But it was all a pipe dream now. I couldn’t see my way around it. If I chose to be with her, it meant I’d have to lie to her. She deserved the truth, and that was something I’d never be able to give her.

My door burst open again and I growled as Riley stuck his head in. “Just wanted to let you know we are practicing in an hour,” he said, disappearing before I could reply.

Shit.
That meant I’d be seeing Anna. Glancing at my cell phone, I wondered if she’d tried to message me. I’d been keeping it off again, not wanting to give her the opportunity to reach me. My fingers itched to check it; but if she had messaged, I couldn’t deny receiving it, and if she hadn’t . . . well, what would that mean?

Man up,
I thought. Grabbing the phone, I turned it on. Text alert sounds filled the air as message after message was delivered. A quick look showed they were all from Anna. I quickly began reading through them:

Sorry if I did something 2 upset U.

R U ok?

All right. I’ve let U have a whole day. Will u talk to me now?

Caleb, I’m worried. I can’t come check on U right now. Please answer.

Is UR phone off again?

Stix says UR drunk. Explains a lot.

I’m coming over.

Scrambling to check when the last one had been sent, I saw it was only ten minutes ago. This must be the reason for the unplanned rehearsal. Groaning, I got up and dug some clean clothes from my drawer before heading to the shower.

“Gonna be able to play, man?” Rick asked through a mouthful of food
, as he appeared in my doorway. Grunting some unintelligible sound, I continued past him into my bathroom.

The hot spray of water did wonders for me, almost
making me feel half-way human after standing under it for roughly thirty minutes. Dressing quickly, I took a few minutes to shave, knowing my scruffy face would be a dead giveaway to how bad things had been for me since the last time I saw her. For whatever reason, I didn’t want Anna to know how much I’d really been suffering with everything. I knew she thought of me as some sort of hero—a protector even—I could see it in her eyes. It had been the same with Jessi and even Danica often looked at me that way. They were all wrong, of course. I wasn’t even close to being the person they thought I was.

The apartment was quiet when I finally
emerged from the bathroom, not a soul in sight. Figuring the guys must have already taken the elevator down to the basement for practice, I went into the bedroom to get my guitar and amp. Shock filled me when I saw Anna sitting cross-legged in the middle of my bed. I came to an abrupt halt, staring at her.

She patted a spot beside her. “Have a seat.”

Glancing over my shoulder toward the door, I cleared my throat. “I was just grabbing my stuff. The guys must’ve already gone downstairs.”

“Actually, they went to get dinner,” she replied, her warm dark eyes boring into me, as if she were trying to connect with my soul somehow.

“I thought we were practicing.” Man, I forgot how beautiful she was. How was that possible? I loved the way her dark hair cascaded loosely down past her shoulders. My fingers itched to run through it.

“No, this is an intervention actually.” She gestured again to the spot next to her.

“An intervention?” I was completely confused now. “Intervention for what?”

She rolled her eyes. “Let’s call it the ‘Save Caleb’s Liver Campaign’ for the moment. How long do you intend to keep drinking like this?”

I shrugged carelessly. “Oh, I don’t know. Until I’m numb, I guess.”

“How’s that working for you?” Her eyes never left mine and it made me feel uncomfortable, as if she could already see the secrets I was hiding. I looked away.

“Honestly? Not so great.” Scrubbing a hand over my face, I busied myself tossing my dirty clothes into my hamper.

“So why keep at it?” Her voice was kind and laced with concern, not at all condescending. It reminded me of why I loved her. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I couldn’t see a way to keep that from happening.

“Listen, Anna. I know you’re worried, but there’s honestly nothing anyone can do. This is something I need to work through for myself.”

“We’re all hurting, Caleb.
All of us.
We all loved Jessi.”

I sighed. “I’m not trying to be insensitive to anyone else who’s grieving, but there are things the rest of you don’t know.”

“Then share them with us. Let us help you work through them.” It all seemed so easy to her . . . I could see it in her hopeful expression.

“I wish I could, but I can’t.”

“Why not?” Hurt crossed her features, causing her brow to furrow and her lips to turn down slightly at the corners.

“I just can’t.”

She moved from the bed, coming to place her hands on my chest and my heart rate accelerated, even though I didn’t want it to. “Is this about that kiss? Is it me, in particular, you’re afraid to talk to?”

I couldn’t think with her hands on me. It made me long to grab her, toss her on my bed and show her exactly how she could help me forget everything but her. I wanted to lose myself in her kisses, feel myself inside her body.

“I’m not afraid to talk to you,” I replied, swallowing thickly. “I’m afraid of what I’ll do if I’m with you too long.”

Something flared in her eyes. “What are you afraid of doing?” She stepped closer and I wondered if she could feel my heart racing beneath her palms.

“I’m worried I’ll hurt you.”

“Caleb, stop. I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.” Leaning in toward me, I could feel her breath on my chest, filtering through my
V-necked t-shirt. Everything in my body tightened.

I snorted. “You’re a baby, barely old enough to even know how to take care of yourself.”

Her lips lightly brushed the fabric. “We both know you don’t think of me as a baby.” Laying her head against me, she wrapped her arms around my waist. “I know things are hard on you right now, but I don’t care. I miss you when you’re away; and when you kissed me the other day, it was a dream come true for me. I want you to keep kissing me, Caleb. I don’t care if you can’t share your secrets yet. Keep them until you feel you can, just please don’t abandon me now. I need you.”

My body shook with need as I bent down and scooped her off her feet, carrying her back to my bed.