Tell Me Why (3 page)

“They do, huh?” I chuckled.

“Like you don’t know. They never stop staring, and when you flick those bangs back from your eyes, I swear they swoon on the spot.”

“They do not.”

“Trust me, they do. They all fall prey to that load of testosterone you’ve got rolling off you. I pay attention to them. I know.”

I knew what she was saying was true, but I liked hearing her touting my praises. “And why are you paying attention exactly?”

“Because they all want a piece of you.”

“And that bothers you?” I waited with baited breath for her answer.

She shrugged. “Yeah, kinda.”

Elation. “Why?”

She stopped fiddling with the pencil, dropping it onto the paper and turned to look me square in the eye. “Because none of them are good enough for you.”

There it was, the sign I’d been hoping for—only it was too late. I couldn’t do anything about it now. Yet I still found myself leaning in closer as my eyes drifted down to her full lips. “And why aren’t they good enough for me, Anna?”

She swallowed thickly, her gaze flickering hesitantly over my face. “Uh . . .” She hesitated.

“Tell me.” I encouraged her again, moving still closer.

The door to the loft burst open and Anna and I broke apart as Rick and Riley stumbled in laughing.

“What are you two doing back already?” I asked, surprised. “I thought you were having dinner at your parents’ house tonight.”

“Dad got called in to work so Mom asked if we’d mind postponing until tomorrow,” Rick replied. “Something smells good here though.”

“We made dinner together,” Anna said. “Help yourselves. There should be plenty.”

“Thanks,” Riley replied.

I couldn’t decide if I was incredibly disappointed or greatly relieved that they’d interrupted. Something had definitely been happening between us, but I had no business trying to kiss Anna—ever. However, I couldn’t help feeling robbed of the moment. I was sure it would’ve been . . . something beautiful.

Chapter Four

Anna-

“I just can’t do it, Caleb
.” Danica's choked whisper accompanied the tears dripping down her face, as she stared anxiously at him. “Can you go without me?’

This reaction from her didn’t surprise me a bit. In many ways
, Danica reminded me of a small child who was afraid to face reality. Caleb had always been more like the parent in his family—even as a child, checking in and making sure everyone else was protected and their needs met. It certainly was a dysfunctional relationship, to say the least.

“Seriously?” Caleb seemed completely stunned and disappointed. “Jessi’s your only child. You don’t want to be part of this?”

The urge to wrap my arms around him overwhelmed me. I wondered if anyone had ever protected him. Had anyone been there to support him when he was going through something difficult? Had they wiped away his tears? Or was he always the strong one?

“She said she doesn’t want to go. I don’t see how she can put it any plainer,” Hank spoke from
the recliner, where he was flipping channels between different sporting events.

“I’m guessing that means you have no intention of going either?” Caleb said, staring at his dad, his expression growing hard.
“No last words for your stepdaughter?”

Hank didn’t bother to reply, which was his answer. Caleb glanced to where his stepmom was now wiping down the kitchen counter, keeping her eyes downcast. I didn’t miss the clenching of Caleb’s jaw. He was angry. Without saying another word, he strode across the room and removed the urn that held Jessi’s ashes
from the mantle.

“Come on, Anna. I guess it’s just you, me, and Jessi today.”

My heart was breaking as I followed him out the door to his Jeep. Ever the gentleman, he opened the passenger door and handed me the urn, once I was seat belted.

Watching him as he climbed in the driver’s
seat, I grappled for something to say that might soothe him. “I’m sorry, Caleb.” I rested my hand affectionately on his leg. “I know this is hard on you.” It wasn’t much, but at least he would know I was on his side and that I cared.

Resting his hand on top of mine, he squeezed it gently. “Don’t apologize. You’re the one who
is
always there when I need someone.” Unsure of how to respond, I simply turned my hand over so I could grasp his. He shifted slightly, his fingers sliding in between mine.

My breath caught. He’d never held my hand like this before
; and I couldn’t help the silly girl feelings that rose hopefully inside me. I’d long since forced myself to quit imagining he might be into me someday. He was out of my league and, unfortunately, he’d only ever see me as another kid sister. But I didn’t care; I simply wanted to be part of his life any way I could be. I loved him.

Glancing up, I saw he was staring at our clasped hands too. Automatically, I closed my fingers tighter around his, hoping my touch would bring him the same comfort his brought me. A muscled ticked in his jaw as he ground his teeth together and he pulled away as if he’d been burned.

Stunned, I sat there with my hand limply on his leg until he started the car; then I moved it, cradling the urn in my lap. Whatever I’d done had obviously upset him. Biting my lip nervously, I realized I’d completely misread the situation. A flush of humiliation spread like a heat wave across my cheeks. Turning away, I stared, unspeaking, through the passenger side window, so he couldn’t see my face.

Millions of thoughts raced through my mind, trying to make sense of things between us. I finally concluded I was overreacting. His heart was hurting as badly as mine was
; and his parents were abandoning him again, during a time when he needed them most. Feeling bad for thinking it, I sometimes just wanted to punch Danica and Hank. Caleb had been more of a mother and father to Jessi than their parents had ever been. It worked fine that way for her, but who did Caleb have when he needed someone—especially now that Jessi was gone? She had been his only real support in that family. He must feel completely lost right now.

It didn’t take us long to reach our destination, a quiet spot in the woods Jessi liked
.  She’d often go there to relax and ponder things, escape her traumatic home life, or spend time drawing. It had become a favorite place for all of us.

Taking the narrow trail
, almost hidden by the tall ferns and thick, moss covered ground, Caleb and I walked together in silence beneath the canopy of towering pines. Long wisps of fog stretched like phantom fingers between the trees, adding to my somber mood as we made our way toward the small pond at the end of the trail. Memories of picnics here with Jessi filled my mind and I could almost hear the sound of her laughter echoing happily through the forest.

A sob caught in my throat as I realized I’d never hear that sound again. Staring at the urn in my hands, my vision immediately blurred
and tears clouded my eyes. She was here, but she wasn’t—merely a life reduced to ashes.

Caleb paused, casting a sidelong glance at me before
removing the urn from my grasp and carefully setting it beside a tree. Gathering me into his arms, he pressed my head against his chest.

I couldn’t hold back the tears, shaking as I wept, wondering if this horrible aching grief would ever get better. I couldn’t imagine the sorrow ever leaving. How was I supposed to get past this hole that had been left in my life? We’d done everything together. Jessi was like the other half of me—my soul sister in every way. The pain of losing her was excruciating, constantly making me feel as if some horrible pressure had taken up permanent residence in my chest, threatening to crush me to bits.

Caleb said nothing, only held me close, his chin resting on the top of my head. His embrace was warm and I basked in the comfort he gave, clinging to him as if he were the only lifeline I had in the world.

After what had to be several minutes, I pulled away, feeling slightly embarrassed by my sudden display of emotion. Peeking at him shyly, I was surprised to find his eyes moist as well, spiking his thick dark lashes together
. But it was the raw undisguised pain in those eyes that tore at my very soul. He was hurting as badly as I was; yet he took the time to comfort me.

“I’m sorry,” I said, breaking the silence between us.

His lips pursed into a slight frown as he stared at me. “You have nothing to be sorry about.” Turning abruptly, he grabbed the urn and continued on down the path. He was so upset; and because of his abrupt behavior, I couldn’t help the feeling it was my fault—that I’d done something wrong. It was driving me crazy. I couldn’t stand to see him this way. Gone was the fast flashing smile and the quick humor I was used to. I knew he carried a lot pain inside him from things that had happened in his past and still ate at him; but this was different. It was almost as if something inside him had died with Jessi. He was changed.

Hurrying to catch up with him, I quietly followed in his footsteps until the trees parted a bit, revealing the small pond resting in the center of them. On rare sunny days, the clear water glittered like diamonds scattered across
the surface; but today it reflected the drab gray sky overhead, as if it too was in mourning with us. Caleb stopped by the edge and sighed deeply, his shoulders sagging slightly as he glanced around.

“Look,” he said pointing across the water. “Do you see it?”

Following his gesture, my gaze landed on an old thick stretch of rope hanging from a large tree. A smile creased my lips as visions flooded my mind of screaming kids swinging out and dropping into the water. “It’s still here.”

“Yep. We all had a lot of fun on that thing.”

“Correction. You and your friends had a lot of fun on that thing, while telling Jessi and me to get lost. I even recall someone throwing pine cones at us and calling us names.”

He chuckled, smiling slightly, and it warmed my heart. “I’d never do anything like that,” he responded.

“You would and you did,” I reminded him. “I believe ‘stupid brats’ was the most common phrase.”

“I never called you that!”

Arching my eyebrow, I stared at him pointedly. “You don’t remember complaining to Danica about how the two of us were always cramping your style? You said you and your friends didn’t want to hang around with a couple of stupid brats.”

“Really?” he asked, seeming genuinely surprised.

“Really.”

“Wow. I was a jerk.” His eyes were full of humor.

I laughed. “Pretty much,” I agreed. “But thankfully you grew out of it. There’s not an ounce of jerk in you now.”

The light in his eyes faded immediately. Clenching his jaw, he stared back at the pond. “You’re wrong. I’m a bigger jerk than I ever was.”

Clearly he was struggling; and I wasn’t sure how to help him if he didn’t want to tell me about it. I didn’t want to push him, either.

“Don’t talk like that, Caleb.” I rested my hand lightly on his shoulder. “You’re not a jerk. You’ve done so much for so many people. I can’t even think of
even one person better than you.” It was the truth. He was amazing.

He snorted, turning to glance at me. “You only need to look in a mirror to see someone far better than I am. Don’t ever change, Anna.” Before I could let his words sink in and muster a reply, he removed the lid of the urn and stepped so close to the water that the soles of his shoes sank down in the mud. “You ready to do this?” he asked, gesturing with a nod for me to join him.

“No,” I replied honestly, releasing a deep sigh, but moved beside him anyway. He held the urn slightly toward me and I slipped my hands over his.

“Anything you want to say
first?” he asked, swallowing thickly.

I shook my head. “No
t really. I think I’ve pretty much cried my heart out to her every night already. If she can hear me, then she knows how much I’ll always love her.”

He nodded, tipping his hands, and the two of us began pouring her ashes into the water. I couldn’t help the silent tears as I watched the remains of my best friend drifting down, floating further across the surface of the pond, forever mixing with this one spot for the rest of eternity.

When the last of her remains had been spread, I released the urn and stepped away to give Caleb a moment of privacy, in case he wanted to say his own goodbyes. Unmoving, he stood there for a long time, solemnly watching her ashes float away. Even though he was several feet from me, his words still carried through the air, soft and powerful. “I’ll always love you, Jessi; and yes, I’m at fault here too. But honestly, I don’t know if I’ll
ever
be able to forgive you for this.”

He was angry—hurt—it was easy to see. So was I for that matter. If only she’d come to us, we might have been able to help her with whatever was wrong
; but now there was no repairing the damage. Suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem, as far as I was concerned. Surely nothing could be so terrible that there wasn’t some way to overcome it. How could Jessi not have known that? What in heaven’s name could’ve been so awful she thought being dead, and destroying us in the process, was the only answer? I’d racked my brain with this very question so many times I was almost nauseated from it. I couldn’t understand how I missed something so crucial.

Caleb recapped the urn, surprising me
by tucking it down into a thick patch of ferns at the water’s edge. He didn’t linger a moment longer, but headed past me, without a word, down the trail toward the Jeep.

“Wait!” I called after him, unable to let his final words to her rest. “I need to say something.”

He stopped, turning slowly. “What?” Yes, there was clearly anger there—in his voice—in his eyes.

I fidgeted with my hoodie, nervous under his scrutiny. “You can’t blame yourself for this. None of us will ever know why she did what she did, but it’s no one’s fault—definitely not yours. She could’ve come to any of us for help and she chose not to.”

He looked away, his hands clenching into fists. “Just drop it, okay, Anna? You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

His response puzzled me. “Do you know something I don’t?”

That muscled was ticking in his jaw again. “I can’t talk about this with you right now.”

“Why not?” I pressed. “If you know something
, then tell me. I’ve been going crazy trying to figure out what I did wrong—what I missed.”

Something broke inside him
; I saw it as he stared at me incredulously. He strode toward me, grabbing me by the shoulders. “Don’t talk like that. You didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing! Do you understand me? Nothing!”

“Caleb, you’re hurting me
.” I winced, feeling his fingertips emphasizing his words as they bit through my jacket into my skin.

His grip loosened immediately, but his hands remained there. “I’m sorry. I’d never do anything on purpose to hurt you. You have to know that.”

“I do,” I replied staring into his tortured eyes. “Please tell me what’s wrong. Maybe I can help.”

He gave a sarcastic laugh. “There’s nothing anyone can do to help me. But believe me, if someone could, it would be you.” Releasing me he dug into his pocket and retrieved his keys, placing them in my hand. “Drive my Jeep home for me, okay? I need to go for a run.”