Tell Me Why (2 page)

Chapter Two

Caleb-

Listening to the arguing downstairs made me want to throw my clothes into my bag and head back across the harbor to the loft I shared with the guys downtown. Guilt kept me from actually doing it. There was no way I could abandon Danica right now and leave her alone with my dad.

Fighting was one of the primary reasons I’d hightailed it out of this place as soon as I was able. I couldn’t take the constant bickering. Living with my old man was pure hell, plain and simple. Bitter and angry had been his key attitudes since my mom left us, when I was little. How he even managed to find someone to marry him again, I would never know. Maybe Danica had been hoping to find someone to be a father to Jessi, but if that were the case then she’d struck out big time. My dad wasn’t even a good father to me, his own flesh and blood, let alone Jessi.

Images from the night he beat up Danica flashed through my mind. I could still hear her protests ringing in my ears as I dialed 911. She didn’t want to make my dad even angrier. I didn’t care. He needed to pay for what he’d done. He served a year in prison, but she didn’t leave him. She stayed and was a good mom to Jessi and me. That year was one of the happiest I remembered. Dad was released and never hit her again, that I knew of, but he was still violent. Yelling and throwing
things across the room if things didn’t go just the way he wanted them to, became the norm. I wondered if she would stay with him, now.

Even though I came back often
, to make sure she and Jessi were doing okay, it was never a place I wanted to be. Glancing around at the shelves holding memorabilia from my high school days, I realized that other than taking my guitar and music, I’d left most of my previous life here in my room—abandoned. Now that Jessi was gone, I didn’t think I wanted to ever be in this house again. There wasn’t anywhere I could look and not see her presence.

Reaching for the notebook I wrote my lyric ideas in, I flipped to where I’d been working on my latest song, and froze. My hands trembled when I saw the folded piece of paper with my name on it stuck between the pages. I recognized the handwriting immediately. Opening it carefully, the first few words gave me pause.

“Caleb, please forgive me for what I’m about to do . . .”

It was a suicide note. Jessi had left one, right where I’d find it. She knew me so well.

Devouring the words on the paper, I thought my heart would explode as I read them; she was so upset, conflicted, and lost—trapped and confused with no way out. Tears fell down my cheeks, some dropping onto the handwritten letter, slightly blurring the words. It didn’t matter though, the damage had already been done, her message delivered.

Whatever possible reasons I’d invented in my mind for her death were all wrong—every last one. It was all my fault. Her suicide was on my hands, the same as if I
’d pulled the trigger and shot her. Crushing agony flowed through me—every word ripping me to shreds. Crumbling the paper into a ball, I held it tightly as I dropped to my knees and wept.

“Jessi, forgive me
, please.” I gasped, the ache inside tearing through my soul. “I didn’t know! I didn’t know!”

***

“Dude. I think you’ve had enough.” Riley grabbed the bottle of Jack from me, emptying the small remainder down the sink. I was too drunk to even protest. Scrubbing my face with my hands, I let out a deep sigh and leaned over the island bar. “I’m surprised you can even stay on that stool with the way you’ve been drinking the last three days.” He wrinkled his nose in distaste as he stared at me. “And when was the last time you took a shower?”

Glancing down at my wife beater tank and baggy athletic shorts, I couldn’t even remember when I put them on. “I dunno,” I slurred.

“Come on. Let’s get you in the shower. That’ll help you feel better.” Riley came around the counter and grabbed my arm.

“Nah, I don’t wanna,” I replied, shoving him away. “Just l-l-leave me alone.”

“Stix, give me a hand, would ya?” Riley said, looking past me to where Stix was sprawled on the faux leather sofa watching television.

“If he wants to get drunk off his ass
, then let him. It’s fine by me,” Stix said nonchalantly.

“He’s been drunk off his ass for days now
, and if he keeps this up, he’ll be dead from alcohol poisoning before long. You might want to consider what that’ll mean for you when we no longer have a lead guitarist, not to mention the guy who writes our songs.” Riley growled as he pulled me up, staggering when I leaned heavily on him. “I’ve already had to cancel our gig for this weekend. It won’t look good if we have to do it again.”

“You don’t need to c-c-cancel the gig,” I sputtered. “I’ll be okay.”

“Really?” Riley asked, not amused. “Sing something for me.”

My mind was like sludge. I couldn’t think of one song.

“Exactly what I thought. Stix!” Riley shouted and I winced.

Stix came to my other side, supporting me as we made our way toward
the bathroom. “I wasn’t saying I didn’t care about him, Riley. All I meant was everyone grieves differently. If Caleb needs to be drunk to do his grieving, then we should let him do it.”

“I’m f-f-fine,” I protested. “N-n-not drunk.”

They both snorted.

“There’ll be hell to pay if Anna shows up and sees you like this. You know she doesn’t like it when you get wasted,” Stix said.

Anna. Just hearing her name was sobering. I hadn’t seen her since the funeral—hadn’t even bothered to check on her. I’d been so lost in my own world of agony, I forgot she was suffering too. I’d failed Jessi; and now I was failing Anna. I sucked. Everything about me sucked. I made the world suck.

Riley and Stix shoved me fully clothed under a stream of hot water, sitting me down on the built in tile bench.

“Here. Wash.” Riley ordered, shoving a bar of soap into my hand. “Don’t come out until you’re clean or sober . . . or both.”

Barely registering the sound of the door closing behind them, I leaned my head against the wall and let a choked sob escape me.

Jessi
. Even the sound of her name in my head hurt me. Her image swam before my eyes—long, white blonde hair, dyed black underneath, innocent bright blue eyes surrounded by way too much black eyeliner, perfect figure honed from years as a cheerleader. Too many guys stared at her, followed her with longing expressions. I knew what they wanted; and I wanted to smash in their faces. It wouldn’t be a problem anymore, though. Because of me, she’d killed herself. “Jessi,” I whispered, the water running down my face. “As long as I live, I’ll never forgive myself.”

***

The needle of the tattoo artist buzzed loudly, biting into the flesh of my inner forearm. I welcomed the pain, watching bits of blood welling to the surface. It mixed with the ink as the black and red bleeding heart, surrounded by a faded rose, began to take shape.

“Where’d you find this design?” Tattoo Terry, as he called himself, asked.

“It’s something my sister drew once,” I replied. “She liked it, so she put it in a frame in her bedroom.”

“Well, she’s a great artist. How old is she?”

I knew he was trying to make friendly conversation, but I wasn’t ready for small talk about Jessi. The wounds were still too fresh. “Seventeen. She died last week.”

“Oh, hey, man. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry. So
, you’re getting this in her memory then, I’m guessing?”

“Yes.”

“Would you like her name or any dates tattooed into the heart?” he asked.

“No. It’s perfect just like it is. I’ll know what it means.”

The bell on the door rang and I glanced up to see Anna enter the shop.

“What’re you doing here?” I asked in surprise. “Shouldn’t you be at school?”

“We had early release today. I came to find where you’ve disappeared to. You’ve been gone for days and you haven’t replied to any of my texts. Rick told me you were here getting a tattoo. What’s the deal?” She looked upset, not that I blamed her.

“Sorry. I turned my phone off after I came back from the funeral. I haven’t turned it on since.”

“Are you okay?” she asked, her gaze scrutinizing me carefully.

No,
I thought.
I’ll never be okay again.
“Come see my tattoo,” I said, instead of answering her question. I didn’t want to lie to her.

She
let out a small gasp and locked gazes with me, her eyes watering. “It’s Jessi’s heart.”

“Yeah.” Jessi’s bleeding heart—the one I caused to bleed to death. Wearing this tattoo was my penance—a constant reminder of how I’d failed her. I’d never forget, ever.

“That’s beautiful, Caleb. It would mean so much to her.”

Clearly, Anna had a different idea of what this represented to me. Ironically, she was one of the closest people to me
; yet, she was the one I could never tell my secret to. No one could know what Jessi had told me—it would make taking her life completely in vain. Her last wish was for me to not tell a soul. I’d take that wish to my grave.

Anna waited patiently while the tattoo artist finished. I paid and tipped him and we headed out the door together.

“Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?” she asked, as we made our way down the sidewalk.

I shook my head. “No. The bar gave me the week off, and Riley cancelled our gig for this weekend.”

“Yeah, he texted me.” She was quiet.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, not realizing until this moment how much I’d missed the sound of her voice and her soothing presence. She seemed so sad, merely a shadow of the happy girl I knew her to be.

She shrugged. “It’ll sound dumb.”

“You could never sound dumb. You know you can tell me anything.” Wrapping an arm loosely around her shoulders, I hugged her to me, attempting to comfort her
with the closeness I needed myself.

Bursting into tears, she looked away from me. “I’m lonely,” she choked out. “I don’t know what to do
anymore. Jessi was my best friend and now she’s gone. You’re the next closest thing to a best friend I have, and you’ve disappeared, too. I feel lost, like I’m floating along in some alternate universe or something.” She dragged the back of her hand across her eyes, smearing what little mascara she was wearing, today.

Flicking
my head, I tossed my long bangs away from my eyes as I stared past the pier across the Sound. She was right. I’d completely abandoned her and I felt like a complete ass about it.

“Tell you what,” I replied, looking at her. “Tonight
, I’m all yours. We can do whatever you want.”

“I just want to be with you. Can we please go back to your loft?” She stared at me with a hopeful expression.

“Sure. What do you want to do there?”

“Let’s make dinner together,” she suggested. “Maybe after
, we could watch a movie or something. I don’t care. I just wanna be out of my own head for a bit.”

“We better go to the market
, then. I haven’t shopped for groceries in a while.”

“Okay. What shall we make?” She slipped her arm around my waist. “You can pick.”

“Let’s make Jessi’s favorite food then.”

Anna laughed. “Seriously? I thought you didn’t care for
Mac-n-Cheese.”

“I don’t, but it seems appropriate under the circumstances.”

She nodded. “I agree. Mac-n-Cheese it is.”

Chapter Three

Caleb-

I sat on a barstool, ripping lettuce into a bowl for a small salad to go with our meal. Anna and I were the only ones eating here tonight; Rick and Riley were having dinner on Bainbridge Island with their parents and Stix had the late shift serving at the Italian restaurant where he worked.

My eyes never left Anna for very long, watching her as she stirred the pot of
Mac-n-Cheese. She’d also boiled the chicken breasts she’d insisted on getting. I knew she was trying to give me something else to eat that I would like better than the cheesy pasta. She was always so considerate.

Looking so natural cooking in my house, it seemed as if she should live here too. She and Jessi had spent most of their free time here, something that both pleased and annoyed me. I knew Anna was part of the band and wanted to be included in everything we
did, but we’d had some rowdy parties on occasion. I always suggested they go chill in my room together. It drove me insane to see the way other guys would ogle them, like I wasn’t sitting right there, watching. Panic and I had become close friends once I realized it was my responsibility to keep these girls safe. They were way too young to be hanging with that crowd, but I couldn’t deny them the right to be there either. Jessi was escaping her home life as much as possible, the same as me, and Anna belonged here as part of our group. It made sense, but it was difficult nevertheless.

Remembering back to the day Jessi convinced me to let Anna audition for the lead singer of Fringe, I smiled slightly. We’d started out with another guy who’d suddenly moved away with his girlfriend, leaving us in a lurch. We performed regularly for different events, getting paid for them
too; so we needed to find a replacement fast. Unable to fill the spot with someone we all could agree on, we let Anna audition. I did it mostly to humor Jessi, so she’d leave me alone. There was no way we were going to allow some high school chick into the band—even if she was Jessi’s best friend and a girl I’d known almost all my life.

Then Anna opened her mouth and
blew us all away. From high soprano to low alto, her range was incredible; but it was the emotion in her crystal clear voice that sold us all. She made the music real in a way that stabbed our listeners right in the heart. Anyone who heard her walked away carrying pieces of her in their soul. It was unanimous—she was in.

Adjusting songs
, as needed, to fit her range, we began playing again, and drawing even bigger crowds. This year, we’d landed a permanent gig at Subculture, a local bar that fit with our techno grungy emotional sound. There was only one problem—Anna was only eighteen.

Stix managed to get a fake ID made and we gave it to Billy, the owner of the club. I knew he didn’t believe for a minute that Anna was twenty-one, but the ID was good enough to cover his butt legally
; so he looked the other way. He wanted her in there too—she was packing the house every night we played. Of course, this meant I had to work even harder to keep guys away from her, but it was worth it. She was amazing.

Staring at her now, I realized she’d become such a huge part of my life. I couldn’t imagine her not being around.

“What are your plans after you graduate?” I asked, suddenly fearing that we might lose her—that
I
might lose her.

She glanced over her shoulder at me, before turning back to stir the pot. “I thought I might register for a few classes at UW. I want to stay close by so I can still sing with you.”

Relief flooded through me. “That sounds awesome. What are you going to major in?”

She chuckled. “Music. You should know that.”

I shrugged. “I figured as much; but I didn’t know if you harbored some secret passion I didn’t know about.”

“If you don’t know it, then it’s not worth knowing,” she replied
; which, for some reason, made me feel strangely pleased. “I tell you pretty much everything. How are things going with Jen?” she asked, changing the subject.

“We broke up,” I responded flatly, remembering the insane argument we’d had the night before Jessi died.

Anna moved the pot to one of the burners that was off and turned to stare at me. “Really? Why?”

“You’d laugh if I told you.”

“No, I won’t. I promise.” She continued to stare, waiting.

“Jen was convinced you and I have a secret fling going on.”

Anna snorted and burst out laughing. “Seriously?”

“I told you it would make you laugh.” A slight pang shot through my heart that she
found being with me so unbelievable. “Yes, seriously. She thought I was cheating on her with you.”

“Did you tell her it wasn’t true?” she asked.

“Of course I did! She wouldn’t listen though. She insisted I pay too much attention to you and said I follow you around like a puppy. I told her I simply tried to make sure you and Jessi were safe and that no one was bothering you.”

“What did she say?”

“She gave me an ultimatum—said it was her or you.” I took a deep breath, glancing down at the salad bowl in front of me as I sliced a tomato. “I chose you,” I added, in what I hoped was a nonchalant tone. Unable to look at her, I kept chopping. This was the closest I’d ever come to admitting my changing feelings for Anna out loud. I couldn’t admit them now. Not ever. Dammit! I’d screwed things up so badly! Anger fused through me.

“Hey. Take it easy on that poor tomato,” Anna chided. “It’s supposed to be chopped, not pulverized.”

Dropping the knife, I wiped my hands on a dishtowel, still unable to look her in the eye. The next thing I knew her arms were wrapped around my shoulders from behind and she leaned her head against mine. I sucked in a breath, trying to steady myself.

Her sweet voice
in my ear made my senses hum. “I’m sorry you’ve had to go through such a difficult time alone. I would’ve come sooner if I had known everything that was going on.”

Unable to help myself, I turned on my stool to face her, gathering her into my arms. “You’ve been having a rough time too. Besides, you’re here now,” I whispered softly against her dark hair when she laid her head on my shoulders. “That’s all that matters.” I wanted to kiss her—wanted to tell her I was falling in love with her. Night after night of rehearsing, being with her on stage, listening to her sing, watching her perfect sultry body sway, I’d become mesmerized, just like everyone else. I knew the other guys in the band cared for her too. I wanted to tell them to back off, that she was mine
; but I couldn’t. She wasn’t mine and never could be.

Jen was right. There was something going on between us, but it was all in my head, a fantasy I wanted more than anything, but would never be able to have. Anna would never be able to forgive me for my role in Jessi’s death. If she knew the truth
, I’d lose her completely from my life—something I’d never be able to bear—so I’d suffer alone in silence and take what I could have—her friendship. My feelings for Anna had already destroyed Jessi’s life; if the truth came out, it would only destroy more. I couldn’t risk that.

Anna let me hold her for several long moments and I relished every second until she pulled away, leaving me feeling incomplete and empty.

“Let’s get you some food,” she said, going to the cupboard. “You look like you’ve lost weight. Have you been eating?”

“Not really,” I admitted honestly, my stomach
growling as if to support my claim. “My mind has been a little preoccupied.”

She sighed. “Which is code for you’ve been plastered out of your mind, isn’t it?”

It amazed me how well she knew me. I didn’t answer; instead I watched her dishing up our plates of food.

“You know I hate it when you drink like that. It scares me.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” I really was. Upsetting her was something I never wanted to do. Her feelings were important to me.

Sliding the plates and silverware across the counter to where I was seated, she came around and joined me. “Is that your lyric book?” she asked, nodding to where it poked from my bag, still on the floor by the pool table
, where I’d dumped it days ago.

“Yup,” I replied, taking a bite of chicken as I attempted to mask the nervous wave that rushed through me. Jessi’s suicide note
lay crumpled inside it. It was the last thing she’d written—I couldn’t make myself destroy it—not yet.

“Wanna go over the words of that last song you’ve been working on
?”

“Sure,” I said, jumping to retrieve the book before she went for it. Crouching in front of the bag, so it was hidden from her view, I carefully slipped the note out and tucked it down the side
before returning to the bar. “Here you go.” I set the notebook beside her plate and she opened it to the last page that had writing on it.

“I really love the lyrics to this song, Caleb.”

Leaning over, I glanced at them, wondering if she had any idea how many of these songs came from inside my own soul. Did she have an inkling that these words were about her? If she did, she certainly didn’t show it.

Anna quietly began sing the words to the first verse.

“Every
day I wake up and look around me,

Wishing your face could be the first I see.

But that isn’t you, lying in my bed,

I look away, and my heart fills with dread.”

I closed my eyes, letting the sound of her voice fill my head. Even with an impromptu practice, I could still hear the emotion she projected. My emotion. She continued to the chorus.

Baby, I want you, make no mistake,

Baby, I need you, before my heart breaks,

Isn’t there something between you and me?

Something beautiful . . . we could be . . .

I wish she knew that it was me asking the question to her. Would she be appalled? Dare I hope she’d be excited? I’d watched her for a while now, silently hoping she’d make some sort of advance toward me, taking the guesswork out of how she might feel about me. Maybe that was my answer. She’d never done or said anything romantic to me—always keeping things light and airy between us. She continued to the second verse.

I hear your laughter; I see your tears,

I want to hold you and keep you near.

My secrets are hidden, so deep inside

You’re the only one, who keeps me alive.

Keeping my eyes closed, I focused on each of the notes, allowing the music to build inside me, m
y mind automatically filling in with the musical instruments as though she were singing with the band right this moment.

Baby, I want you, make no mistake,

Baby, I need you, before my heart breaks,

Isn’t there something between you and me?

Something beautiful . . . we could be . . .

My fingers twitched as I imagined the guitar solo that would go right
there, and I wanted to drag out my guitar and play as she hummed along with the chords I had written. Her voice catapulted into the refrain, picking up the increased tempo perfectly.

Don’t leave me, don’t hate me,

You’re what I need.

Please help me, please save me,

Or I can’t breathe
.

I need you, beside me,

So desperately . . .

Something beautiful

Something beautiful

Baby, I want you, make no mistake,

Baby, I need you, before my heart breaks,

Isn’t there something between you and me?

Something beautiful . . . we could be . . .

Baby, I want you, make no mistake,

Baby, I need you, before my heart breaks,

Isn’t there something between you and me?

Something beautiful . . .

Something beautiful . . .

Anna’s voice dwindled off at this point and she paused
, leaving the song unfinished. “Is this where you were having trouble?” she asked.

Opening my eyes, I nodded. “Yeah. I’d intended to end it right there, but it seems like there is something missing. What do you think?”

She slid my pencil out of the spiral and wrote four words.

Baby, I want you . . .

“How about this? Taking it back to that first line in the chorus and leaving it hanging. I think that captures the emotion and shows the continued longing that’s unresolved.”

Her grasp of music
al emotion never ceased to amaze me. “I think you’re absolutely right. Spot on, as usual. I guess that’s why you’re always packing the house.”

She grinned and bumped my shoulder with hers. “Whatever. They’re all there to hear your great music,” she said with a laugh. “And to drool over you, of course. All those girls think you’re drop dead gorgeous.”