Tempus (42 page)

As my heartbeat slowed, I could make out voices more clearly, even a word or two now and then.  I tried to keep my breathing even and concentrated on being as quiet as possible.  It sounded like they were not very near below me, but I could distinguish Mr. Knights' voice from Gabriel's easily.

“It’s correct…….if we could locate……..at some time……..”  Mr. Knight was still speaking, but it was muffled as he walked away from my position.

I heard Gabriel's voice.  “….would that mean…...and if she………..die…….”

I thought of poking a hole in the ceiling with that stupid letter opener.  If I knew I wouldn’t be caught, I would do it in a heartbeat.  Hearing part of the conversation felt worst than none, except it kept my mind occupied.

Mr. Knight was speaking again, the voice came closer below, and the words were clearer.  “….notify an interceptor……….locate the traveler, we have no choice.  I understand what you’re saying…..” the voice moved away, muffled.

Gabriel again.  “….what that means for her.  Everything changes, Father,
everything
.  What does that mean for me?  What am I to……..”  His voice sounded upset and confused.

More muffled sounds, mostly Mr. Knight.  “...cannot explain
anything
!  WILL NOT.  I am so sorry, Gabriel, truly I am.  When you’re….”

My heart had started pounding again, and my breath sped up. 
So sorry Gabriel
.  That was bad.  That was very bad.  I didn’t want to hear any more. 

I got up slowly, carefully placed the chipped piece of wood back, pulled the rug over it, and sat the chair back in position, the best I remembered at least.  I wanted to pace around the room, but they would hear me.  Maybe I
should
be pacing around the room, making no noise at all might be more suspicious.

I crept across the floor to the bed and then walked more normally to the window.  I stood there staring out for a few minutes, and then walked back to the bed.  I didn’t try to be quiet or loud; I just paced, back and forth, thinking.  I also wondered something.

I sat on the floor and closed my eyes, pictured Gabriel in the library below.  I placed my hands flat on the floor, imagined sending out energy to find him.  In my mind it was blue, and looked like lightning in slow motion.  I had no idea if it could look like that, but it’s what I pictured.

I could see it as clearly as a glimpse, drifting down through the floor, seeking him.  He had his back to me, was looking at his father.  I didn’t
see
his father; I just knew he was there.  I watched as it moved closer, spread out around him like fingers, and caressed his shoulders.  I could have sworn I felt him take in a sharp breath, saw him turn and look around the room in stunned silence, but I held on.  His eyes looked up at the ceiling.

I was smiling.  My imaginings were so real; I could feel the warmth of his skin through his shirt.  I wrapped my imaginary hands around his face, touched his lips, his hair.  He was so bewildered he couldn’t move.  It was amazing, the clarity in my mind.  I could see his eyes just as though I was looking into them.

The door swung open with a crash, and I had been so absorbed by what was in my mind that I jumped half out of my skin.  “What were you doing, Jessie!”  Mr. Knight exclaimed.  “What,
exactly
, were you doing?”  I had the strangest sensation of whiplash, like I had been in a sudden, violent, auto accident.

I heard Gabriel's footsteps on the stairs, and my first thought was that, if he could feel me ‘pull,’ I was about to cause him to crash into me at top speed.  His father was scaring me, and I didn’t know how to answer him.  I wanted to fall through the floor, or disappear into nothing, but more than that, I wanted…
Gabriel
. 

And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane,

I’m walking in my old footsteps once again.

—Colin Hay

He came flying through the door, nearly colliding with his Father, dodging at the last second, and nearly tackled me to the floor.  “Are you all right?  What is it?”

“I d-don’t kn-know.”  I stammered.  “What d-did I d-do?”  I knew my eyes were wild, I could feel them trying to pop out of their sockets.

Mr. Knight was still just inside the door, his eyes looked as wild as mine felt.  He also looked completely perplexed by my reaction, and Gabriel's.  I was staring at him over Gabriel’s shoulder, shuddering violently.  It wasn’t fear that made me tremble.  I wasn’t sure what was causing it.

Gabriel's head swung around.  “What did you do, Father?”

Mr. Knights' eyes blinked a few times and he regained his composure.  Taking a deep breath, he approached us both slowly, like we were wild animals he was trying not to frighten.  It was altogether strange, and I glanced down at my hands to make sure I looked normal.  Why wouldn’t I look normal?

When Mr. Knight sank to the floor beside me, my first thought was how odd he looked doing so.  Professors didn’t sit on floors.  At that moment, it seemed as wrong to me as seeing the Queen of England sit on a toilet.  I laughed a short, hysterical laugh, and knew my mind had snapped.

The sound only served to cause Gabriel to panic.  He swept me up and off the floor, away from his father and whisked me to the bed. 
Whisked
.  What a strange word.

The bed was soft beneath me, the fluffy pillows swallowed the back of my head, and the scent of Gabriel and fresh linens cleared my head a little.  Those blue eyes probing mine—god, they were beautiful.  I smiled.

“I’m sorry, Gabriel, I did not intend to frighten her.”  Who her? 
Me
?  Yes, me.

“Breathe.”  I closed my eyes and did what I told myself to do.  In through the nose, out through the mouth, in through the nose, out through—I should take up yoga.

“Jessie.”  Gabriel's voice, still full of concern.  He placed his hand on my forehead, rubbing between my eyes with his thumb.  “Open your eyes.”

I didn’t want to, but I did.  I didn’t like the sound under his regular voice.  I let my eyes focus slowly, blinking about four or five times.  They felt dry.  Dry and itchy.

After what seemed like an eternity of silence, I whispered to Gabriel.  “What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing.  You did nothing wrong.” 

Mr. Knight walked nearer, got down on one knee at the edge of the bed.  “I’m sorry if I frightened you.  I reacted poorly.  Surely you can understand and appreciate that not much in this world is astonishing to me.”

I glanced at Gabriel, and back at Mr. Knight.  “What astonished you?”

“What you were doing.”  He replied.

“What do you
think
I was doing?”  My first thought was he knew I was listening through the floor, but that wouldn’t qualify as astonishing.  Rude, maybe, but not astonishing.

“How did you...”  He cleared his throat, “what did you—what were you…”  He seemed to have a hard time finding the words.  “You ‘contacted’ Gabriel.  How did you do it?”

“I did?”  I was attempting to sit up now and Gabriel seemed to be trying to decide if he should help, or prevent me.  He decided to help and placed a supporting arm behind me.  Yes, if that happened, it would definitely qualify as astonishing.

Once I was sitting up, Gabriel said, “Yes, you
did
.”

“Wow.”  That was not what I expected.  “What did it feel like?”

“It felt like you—touched me—like your hands were on my shoulders, then my face.  I could feel it as clearly as I could feel you right now if you touched me.”

“Seriously?”  I was skeptical, yet he described what I had imagined.

“Yes.  How did you do it?”  Gabriel took my hand, looking into my eyes with what seemed like complete fascination.

“Umm, well—I sat on the floor and imagined seeing you.  I put my hands flat on the floor and imagined sending out energy to find you.  When I found you, I touched you.  Oh, and I imagined it looked like slow blue lightning.”  I smiled a self-depreciating smile—I knew I sounded crazy.

“Absolutely
astonishing
.”  Mr. Knight said, his brows pulled together so deeply he appeared to have a unibrow.  “I’ve never heard of, never read—this
can’t
be a first.  There has to be something, somewhere, someone—this is most extraordinary.  I’m
flabbergasted
.”  I believed him. 

“Could you do it again, do you think?”  Gabriel asked.

“I-I don’t know.  I didn’t know I was doing it the first time.”

“I must write some of this down.  The
implications
!”  Mr. Knight seemed very excited.  I gave him a quizzical look.  “Technological breakthroughs, Jessie.  Resistive, capacitive, acoustic waves…
must
be capacitive.  There’s something there for superior minds to decipher.  Then what is the conductor?  Acoustic waves, SAW’s?”  He appeared to be talking more to himself than to me, lost in thoughts.  He turned abruptly, and walked out the door.

Gabriel whispered to me, “I have always been able to feel that pull, or to produce it.  That sensation of touch I showed you—proximity was still necessary—nothing works, it doesn’t,
didn’t
, work from a distance.”  He was almost stuttering.

“What does it mean, then?  Could you seriously feel it, like I was touching you?”

His eyes seemed to darken momentarily, locking on mine, and his breath was shallower.  The single word was soft and breathy.  “
Yes
.”  His lips stayed parted as he breathed through his mouth.

My stomach fluttered.  The more time I spent around him, the more I was drawn to him.  It was on the verge of painful. 
I’m so sorry, Gabriel.
  My heart stopped for the space of three or four beats.  I felt it.  “Your father found out something.”

His eyes turned darker still, and sad.  Again that one word, but this time he looked away as he said it.  “Yes.”

I gazed at his profile, saw his jaw tighten, his mouth close into a thin, hard line.  His Adams-apple bobbed as he swallowed, as if he were trying to take back the word and force it down his throat.  His eyes stared, unblinking, at the window across the room. 

Penny for your thoughts.
  How many times had he said that to me?  “Penny for your thoughts.”  I whispered.

“That’s a penny more than they are worth.”  His expression did not change.

“Can you tell me what he found?”  I asked.

“No.”

“Can you tell me what it means then?”  I was trying not to be demanding in any way, but he had to tell me
something
. 

“It means exactly what you think it means.”  His voice was gruffer than I’d ever heard it.  Usually it was smooth.

My heart did a summersault this time, and landed badly.  My chest constricted, my stomach followed, and for a moment, I thought I was going to throw up.  Everything blurred, I swayed slightly, and Gabriel's arm was around me instantly.

I could tell he was trying very hard to comfort me, wrap me in that safe, protective energy, or whatever it was.  The panic would not be stifled this time.  “What is the
point
to this, Gabriel?  In a few minutes, or hours, or days, or weeks, none of it will matter, none of it will have
existed
.”

“You’re wrong, Jessie.  It will have existed.”

“WHY?  Why would it exist and then not?  I don’t care
how
, that doesn’t even matter.  I could care less how!  I want to know why!”  This was all stupid.  Stupid, stupid,
stupid
!

“Jessie, you’re the one who told me there’s a reason for everything.”  His voice was calm and quiet; I had to listen closely to hear his words.  He put his other arm around me, moving closer.

“I was
wrong
!”  I hissed the words.  I tried to pull away but he only held me tighter.

“Please stop.  Please be still.”  He was whispering, and it only served to annoy me more.

I knew he was trying to comfort, trying to calm me, but my entire world, small and
insignificant
as it may be, had been turned upside down and inside out.  From the moment I first saw that mirror, my life was screwed.  The anger fueled my hysterics, and my hysterics fueled my anger.  I never in my life wanted to
break
something so bad!

“
I can’t do this
!”  I wanted to leave.  I pulled and pulled but he would not let me go.  I was so angry!  If I could touch him by thinking it, then he had better get ready for a shock.  Literally.

All my hurt and anger, all my frustration, I concentrated it as hard as I could, grit my teeth until they felt like they might break.  Yellow!  Yellow lightning that would knock him loose!  That’s what I was trying for, what I tried to do.

“Jessie, please, you’re hurting me.”  His voice sounded strained, in pain, but he refused to let go.  “
Please
.”  It was more like a gasp, and something about it took the fight out of me.

I stopped, and collapsed.  My jaws ached with the effort I had put into it, and relaxing them made my teeth throb.  My muscles ached and my lungs were on fire.  I had hurt
myself
more than him, I think.  I felt the anger try to rise again, but I didn’t have the strength to support it.