Tender Vow (22 page)

“Well, I’ll be,” Allie said as she pulled into the driveway. “Is that a mirage I’m looking at or an actual Christmas tree?”

Rachel lurched forward in her seat and stared at the front window. He’d actually gone out and found a tree to decorate? She tried to imagine even John taking that chore upon himself. Mouth agape, she scratched her temple and tried to speak.

“My stars in glory, girl, that man’s a keeper.”

Rachel rolled her eyes, thanked Allie again, and carried her purchases to the front porch. “Mommy! Mommy! Come see all that we did!” Meagan exclaimed when Rachel walked through the door.

The first thing Rachel noted was the tantalizing aroma floating out from the kitchen. Yes, she’d had a slice of pie and a piece of fudge that day, but the lingering smell of fresh-baked cookies never failed to tempt her. Her eyes met Jason’s, then roved down to his rolled-up shirtsleeves, which revealed muscular forearms she had no business studying. But his shirt and arms alike bore sprinkles of flour and smudges of cookie dough, and the sight made her heart take an unexpected leap. Quickly, she crouched down to Meagan’s level. “You’ll have to tell me all about it, beginning with the Christmas tree.”

For the next several minutes, Meagan talked nonstop, describing how the three of them had driven up the street and found the prettiest, straightest tree in all of Fairmount, and how Uncle Jay had made it stand as tall as a soldier. She then informed Rachel that she really needed to buy more lights, but she could wait till next year, because Uncle Jay said so. Next, she told how, after putting Johnny down for his nap, she and her uncle had found some cookie dough in the freezer and baked two batches of cookies using the special roller and the cookie cutters with the fun Christmas shapes. The best part, she said, was the frosting, which Uncle Jay had made with the little hand beater.

Rachel tried to hide her surprise. “You made frosting?” she asked, looking at Jason.

“Well, after I found the recipe online and then hunted down all the ingredients, including the food coloring. Hope you don’t mind that I went through every one of your drawers looking for stuff.”

“Not at all.”

“It’s a good thing you didn’t come home half an hour ago, or the sight might have sent you into shock.” When he gave her a slow, crooked grin, her heart jumped.
Sweet Lord
, she prayed,
is it possible I’m falling in love? Guard my heart, Father
.

Precious child, you must trust Me. As long as you give Me all of your heart, you can be certain I will keep it safe, came the whispered assurance.

Most people Rachel knew had thrown elaborate parties for their babies’ first birthdays. They’d ordered multitiered cakes, spent oodles of money on decorations, and invited friends and relatives from far and wide. Rachel had done the same for Meagan, but she had decided some time ago, considering John’s absence, to keep Johnny’s celebration a low-key affair for immediate family only. There would be many more birthdays and plenty of opportunities for big parties—just not this year. Besides, what did Johnny know or care about a birthday bash as long as he had his mommy, sister, grandparents, Aunt Tanna, and Uncle Jay—and his cake—close at hand?

As it turned out, he wasn’t all that excited about the presents, but the colorfully wrapped boxes and festive bags with tufts of tissue paper sticking out of them surely caught his attention. He sat on the floor and giggled with delight at the sights and sounds of crackling paper and ribbons that came apart with the slightest tug, and everyone agreed that even had they stuffed the packages with newspaper, he still would have been as happy as a clam in the sand.

Rachel took great care not to pay Jason any special heed, and it appeared he had decided to do the same to her, exchanging only an occasional glance with her while sipping punch, eating cake and ice cream, or contributing to various conversations, most of which revolved around the children. Rachel couldn’t help but watch him, though, when, after Johnny had opened all his gifts, Jason tossed him and then Meagan into the air, spinning them around like tops until the roomful of adult onlookers felt dizzy, themselves. His hearty laughter and the giggles of her children mingled like fine music. Tanna joined in the fun, picking up whoever was waiting for Jay’s attention, twirling and dancing as she sang some popular tune from the radio. In those moments, Rachel thought so much about John, wishing he were there to share in the joviality, wondering if he would have tossed the children playfully instead of Jay but reaching the conclusion that both brothers probably would have.

She could be sure of one thing: Jason loved her children, and, whether or not things ever worked out between them, he would surely insist on maintaining a relationship with Meagan and Johnny.

And she could never stand in his way and sustain a clear conscience.

***

Jason never had been a fan of crowds or malls, so holiday shopping ranked low on his list of favorite things to do. But, with Christmas just three days away, he had little choice but to join the thousands of other last-minute shoppers, the majority of which seemed to be men.

Armed with a list of ideas he’d compiled, with Diane’s help, he made the rounds through the Traverse City Mall, beginning at the toy store for items for Meagan and Johnny, then going into several department stores in search of watches and perfume for Arlene, Tanna, and his mom, then the sporting goods store for new putters and golf balls for his dad and Mitch. Buying for Rachel was the toughest, as he wanted to get her something special and unique without going overboard or appearing too forward. Arms full, he stopped to gaze in the window of Parks Jewelers and saw a pair of earrings he thought she’d like. Yes, they were more expensive than what he’d just purchased for the other women in his life, including his own mom, but then Rachel had suffered the greatest loss. He told himself she deserved a little spoiling.

“May I help you, sir?” asked an attractive, middle-aged woman when he walked through the door.

“Yes, uh…I guess I’d like a closer look at those earrings you have on display.”

Her eyes brightened. “Oh, the ones with the diamonds set in the small hearts? Aren’t those pretty? Several men have asked to see them today, but, so far, no one’s bought them. They’re right here.” She reached inside a glass case and carefully brought out the earrings, laying them on a piece of black velvet. The lights overhead made them shimmer and sparkle from every angle. Even with his limited knowledge about jewelry, Jason could tell that these had rare value. He bit his lower lip to keep from asking the price.

As if reading his mind, the saleswoman stated it, and he nearly dropped his jaw to his knees. “That’s a bit much.”

“Oh, but they’re twenty-five percent off today,” she said.

He perked up at that news. “Really?” He quickly calculated the sale price in his head.

As if reading his mind again, the saleswoman grabbed a nearby calculator and figured the total, including tax, and gave him a second to digest it. “Can I wrap these for you?”

Lord, what am I doing? Will she even accept the earrings?
It suddenly occurred to him to purchase something else for her, as well—a new Bible, a candle, or some expensive lotion—and put the earrings away for a later time. On impulse, he said, “I’ll take them, but could you wrap them in generic paper? They aren’t necessary a Christmas gift.”

She winked. “Foil and a pretty ribbon will do the trick.”

On his way to the car, he hummed a familiar Christmas carol, trying to get beyond his disbelief at what he’d bought for Rachel. He’d never bought Candace anything quite as fine as those earrings, unless he counted the engagement ring he’d never put on her finger. The silly thing still sat in a box in his underwear drawer. He told himself that one of these days, he’d try to sell it online. Until then, though, he’d tuck the new earrings in the drawer next to the ring and then wait for the perfect opportunity to present them to her.

Lord, please let there be a perfect opportunity
, he prayed.

***

“Mommy, how long till Christmas?”

“Not long now, sweetie.” Rachel knelt at Meagan’s bedside, having just completed their nighttime prayer. In the other room, Johnny slept soundly, while downstairs, the TV droned with some sitcom and embers crackled in the fireplace. As usual, Meagan was using every stalling tactic in the book to keep her mother kneeling at her side.

“Is it tomorrow?”

“No, darling, not tomorrow. It’s two days after tomorrow.”

“Is Daddy going to be watching us?”

Rarely did Meagan mention John anymore. Generally, if he came up in conversation, it was at Rachel’s prompting. She so wanted to keep Meagan’s memories fresh but knew with certainty how quickly they would fade. “I’m sure he will be, honey. He’ll be smiling down on us and telling us not to be sad.”

Meagan fingered the edge of her blanket thoughtfully. “Does he still love us?”

“Of course. He will never stop loving us. And we’ll never stop loving him, either.” She tenderly touched Meagan’s nose with her index finger.

“Why did he have to leave us?” she asked, eyes squinting as she studied the ceiling.

Rachel felt like her heart was being squeezed. “I don’t know, darling. There are many things in life we don’t understand. What we do know is that God loves us and wants us to trust Him.” Funny how just a couple of months ago, she might not have been able to give that response. Indeed, the Lord had been working to heal her wounded spirit.

“Is Daddy going to celebrate Christmas with Jesus?” Meagan asked in tender innocence.

“I’m sure he will. After all, it marks the day that Jesus was born. It would seem to me that all of heaven will celebrate.”

“I love God,” Meagan announced, her eyes round with sincerity.

“I know, honey. Me, too.”

“I love Uncle Jason, too,” she added as an afterthought, as if he and Jesus somehow belonged on the same plane.

Rachel stood and put her fingertips to Meagan’s cheek. “You do, huh? Well, lucky for you, he loves you right back.”

“I know. He tol’ me.”

Rachel’s heart warmed to overflowing, and she got a little misty-eyed about the way Jay insisted on seeing her kids and providing a father figure for them, something even their grandfathers couldn’t quite pull off. Why, just thinking about the cookie-baking episode and how he’d so selflessly given of his time that day made her feel all mushy inside. He hadn’t hung around long afterward—after all, he’d come not to see her but to see the kids, as it should have been. So, why was it that she looked forward with eagerness to Christmas Day, when she knew he’d be at Tom and Donna’s place? She berated herself for her seesaw emotions.

“I bet he’s gonna buy me a present.”

“You think so?” It would surprise her if he didn’t.

“What did we buy Uncle Jay for Christmas?”

“We bought him a nice pair of leather gloves and a wool scarf.”

She pondered that for a moment. “I thought just ladies weared scarves.”

“No, men can wear them, too, especially on very cold days.”

“Oh.”

She leaned over to plant one last kiss on Meagan’s cheek. “Sweet dreams, dearest. Go to sleep now.”

Rachel sat at the kitchen table and read her Bible for about half an hour, sipping hot tea and nibbling on a Christmas cookie Jason had decorated. When she began to feel fatigued, she climbed the stairs to her room and suddenly found herself fighting off a wave of loneliness.

God, please fill this heart of empty longing. I don’t want to love or need Jason; I just want my soul filled up with thoughts of You. Sometimes, I worry about my allegiance to John, Lord. Please keep John’s memory fresh and alive in my heart
, she prayed.

Do not fret, My child. I have everything under control. As I’ve said before, you must entrust your heart to Me. All at once, the words she’d just read from Philippians washed over her spirit:

Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

After washing her face, brushing her teeth, and running a comb through her hair, she walked to her closet to hang up her clothes. Not for the first time that day, she gazed up at the box of John’s mementos, still sitting on its high shelf. She didn’t feel prepared to look through it yet, but she decided she could at least bring it down. So, she nabbed a nearby stool, hoisted herself up, and lifted the heavy box from its resting place, surprised at how long she’d put off carrying out that one simple chore. She set the box down with a gentle thud on the floor beside her shoe rack, flipped off the closet light, and padded off to bed.

On Christmas morning, Rachel awoke in her old bedroom. She and the kids had spent the night at her folks’ house after eating a leisurely supper, attending the five o’clock Christmas Eve church service, and coming home to have their own family celebration and gift exchange. They had opened gifts on Christmas Eve for as long as she could remember, a tradition that had begun when her parents had gotten married and spent Christmas mornings at their parents’ homes, alternating between both sets each year.

Outside her window, large snowflakes fell steadily, piling powdery pillows on the already thick mounds that had collected. The distant sounds of Meagan’s excited chatter and little Johnny’s shrieks of joy prompted her to pull back her feathery comforter and sit up in bed. Goodness gracious! What time was it? And how had she come to sleep right through her own children’s waking? Craning her neck to see the clock on the dresser, she was shocked to discover it was already 9:15. Quick as a cat’s wink, she leaped out of bed and made for the shower down the hall.

“Mom, how could you have let me sleep so long?” she later asked at the table while sipping on a cup of hot tea in the cozy new robe her parents had given her the night before. Tanna lay sprawled on the floor, allowing Meagan and Johnny to climb all over her.