Tessa Ever After (17 page)

“What’d I just agree to?”

Her shock gives way to suspicion and then amusement as a
small smile sweeps across her face. She crosses her arms, and no, I’m absolutely not going to look down at what that does for her tits. “You didn’t hear a word of what she said.”

“Say what now?”

She huffs out a laugh and shakes her head. “Yes, exactly. You could’ve agreed to allow her to try out her new makeup on you or curl your hair.”

“Oh Jesus, please tell me it’s neither of those things.”

“Well, she was talking about painting toenails earlier, but I said you probably wouldn’t be up for that. You just agreed to do our Saturday-morning ritual with us.”

I put the lid back on the donuts and walk to stand in front of her. I want to reach out and touch her, to lean down and kiss her breathless, but I’m not sure where we stand—if last night was a fluke or the start of something. The worst part is, I don’t know which is scarier. I pop the rest of my donut in my mouth, not wanting to think about that at this moment. “And what’s that? You guys drinking pig’s blood later?”

“Worse. Watching Disney Junior while confined in a bedroom.”

“In your bedroom or in hers?”

“You’d better hope mine. That’d be a lot of people on her twin mattress.”

The thought of me and Tessa in her bed . . . alone . . . is enough to squash any uncertainty I had as to whether I wanted last night to be a fluke, because there’s nearly nothing I want more than to see her under me, breathless for
me.
I lean forward, my lips nearly brushing hers. “Oh, Tess, I do hope yours. But at another time and for another reason entirely.”

I watch her eyes widen slightly, her lips part, and I know she’s remembering exactly what we did in the hallway mere hours ago.
I hope she’s remembering how it felt to come apart in my arms, because I like knowing she’s thinking about me like that . . . thinking about us like that.

“Mama! Jay! Hurry up! It’s already starting!”

“You heard her. Last one gets middle.” And with that, I slap Tessa on the ass and jog past her down the hallway and into her bedroom. Haley’s tiny frame is taking up entirely too much of the mattress as she pats the spot next to her.

“Got any jammies?”

“Still no jammies here, shorty.”

She heaves out a dramatic sigh, rolling her eyes as best as a four-year-old can. “Fine. But no shoes. Mama gets real mad if you do that.”

Just as I slip my shoes off, Tessa sneaks into the room and leaps onto the bed, giggling as Haley goes up on her knees, clapping and then pointing to me. “You have middle, Jay!”

Not that long ago, I would’ve been doing something far different on a Saturday morning while sandwiched between two girls. But now? I can’t find it in me to care that this is exactly how I’m going to be spending this particular Saturday morning.

Haley scoots down on the bed and pats the spot in the middle, encouraging me to climb in. With a raised eyebrow in Tessa’s direction, I silently ask for permission. Her not refuting Haley’s invitation in the kitchen and then flying into bed seemed like she was okay with it, but I want to be sure.

When she gives me a smile and a slight nod, I climb in and take over the majority of the bed, sprawling out on top of both Tessa and Haley. “You’re right, this
is
comfortable. This pillow is so soft,” I say as I bounce a little on a giggling Haley.

“Jay! That’s me, not a pillow!”

“Oh, so sorry, miss. Pardon me,” I say in an exaggerated British accent.

Her giggles grow louder as I mumble gibberish in the accent while still lying partially on top of her. When she’s able, she tugs my arm off her, and I’m barely relaxed back against the headboard before she’s burrowed her way under my arm and is snuggled into my side. I’ve always had a soft spot for this girl—since the day she was born, though I fought it a lot. Because, really, what kind of nineteen-year-old guy was enamored with a baby?

But now, feeling her laugh against my chest . . . seeing her look up at me with those dark eyes so much like mine, this warm ache spreads through my chest, and I think for a second what it’d be like if she
were
mine. If both of them were mine. And I wonder if
this
is what my grandfather always talked about—the kind of family that’s worth something. The kind of family that’s worth
everything
.

I’ve fought a connection like this since I was old enough to get involved with women, struggled against what it might mean to get involved with someone because of how my parents’ relationship turned out. But I can’t fight it anymore, not with Tessa and Haley.

And I realize I don’t want to.

FIFTEEN

tessa

“Do you guys seriously spend all day in bed like this?” Jason’s voice is low, mumbled softly against the top of my head, and I fight back a shiver.

It’s been an hour or so since he arrived. An hour filled with full-body touches and the feel of his rumbled voice under a layer of cotton as I rest my head against his chest. As soon as Haley burrowed her way into his side, he tugged me closer, too, smashing the both of us to him and not letting go. Not that I put up much of a fight.

“No, we usually find our way to the kitchen at some point for sustenance.”

“Yeah, ice cream!” Haley yells with a raised fist, though we’re all no more than two feet apart.

“You’ve already got her addicted to ice cream, do you realize that?” Jason’s breath tickles my forehead, and I have to remind
myself to slow down. To pull back. Paige thinks I can have sex just for the sake of having sex, but I can’t. I never could, as much as I wanted to, sometimes just needing that physical connection, that release. But whether I want it to or not, sex causes emotional turbulence for me, and with our history . . . with how close Jason and I are, I have no idea what the outcome from a shared night would be.

And the constant churning in my stomach is proof enough that I’m scared as hell about that.

Needing some space, I use this as an excuse to get up. Jason recoils as I jab a finger in his side and say, “Better ice cream than wine.” I slip out of bed, walking out of the room and toward the kitchen. A glance at the clock on the microwave shows it’s nearly noon, and I grab everything I need to throw together some sandwiches for everyone. Can’t have ice cream or cookies for lunch every day . . .

It isn’t long before Jason walks into the kitchen, no Haley shadow behind him.

“How’d you manage to slip out of there?” I ask.

“Some Princess Sophie show or whatever came on.”

“Princess Sofia. She loves that one.”

I slather a layer of mayo on three slices of bread, then proceed to top them with ham and cheese. Jason doesn’t say anything more, but it’s mere seconds before my entire body ignites. Though I can’t feel him, I know without a doubt that he’s stepped closer to me. The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, goose bumps erupt on my skin, and it’s not until my nipples tighten into points against the cotton of my tank top that I remember I’m not wearing a bra.

He leans forward, his breath warm on the back of my neck, my short hair baring that part of my body to him, and I close my
eyes in anticipation. Of what, I don’t know. His lips? His tongue? His words?

And I want all of them. Any of the above, or all three at once.

When none of them come, I can’t take it anymore. I stop what I’m doing and rest my hands against the counter, using the support to hold myself up as I drop my head forward and close my eyes.

“What are we doing, Jason?” My voice is barely above a whisper, my words said to the floor, but he still hears me. Where before I could only sense him behind me, now I
feel
him. He takes a small step forward, bringing the line of his front against my back, and I can’t deny how amazing it feels. How amazing
he
feels. He smells like soap and laundry detergent and just a hint of cologne—nothing overpowering. It’s light and fresh and everything Jason is wrapped up in a mouthwatering scent.

“I’ll do whatever you want me to, Tess.”

“That’s not fair. Don’t put this all on me.”

“It
has
to be all on you. I know how I am; we both do. If I put my mind to it, do you think I couldn’t get you in your bed? Even if you thought it was a bad idea? I need you to be sure. I want you, Tess. Don’t doubt that. I’ve wanted you for months, and I’m finally owning up to that. But you have to want it as bad as I do.”

Before I can say anything, before I can even
think
about his words, his warmth is gone and the voice of my daughter fills the room.

“Yes, ham and cheese! Can we have chips, too?”

It takes me a moment before my parched mouth can form words. “If you eat your carrots.”

She nods enthusiastically, taking her place at the breakfast bar next to Jason, but I can’t look at him. My face has erupted
in flames, a wave of heat engulfing me at his words—at the honesty in them and the truth in what he wants.

Me.

I busy myself with everything I can just to avoid eye contact, because I know I’ll get lost if I look into those dark whiskey-colored eyes—eyes so similar to my daughter’s it’s jolting sometimes. And he’s right. This does have to be on me.

I’m just not sure I’m ready for the leap.

•   •   •

THE SNOW IS
falling in sheets, those perfect flakes that come only once or twice a season covering the ground. Despite the accumulation, it’s a nice day, even though winter descended exceptionally early, the temperature hovering right around thirty degrees, perfect for snowman building and snow angel making and snowball fights.

I don’t know if Jason could sense I needed time to myself, or if he really is that much of a kid despite his twenty-four years, but regardless of the reason, he offered to take Haley outside and work off some of her endless energy. He got her ready, covered head to toe in winter gear, then took her outside only to arrive back five minutes later because Haley forgot to use the bathroom. He was patient, never getting frustrated for the extra ten minutes of work as he unbundled and rebundled her, and then they were out the door again.

It’s been nearly an hour, and I’m still standing frozen in my place in front of the kitchen sink as I look out into our backyard, hearing the pealing giggles of my little girl followed by the deeper baritone of Jason’s chuckle. And just like last night with him curled up on Haley’s bed with her, the sight of them in the
backyard isn’t anything new. Cade used to take Haley out in the snow all the time. It’s her favorite season, and she never tired of playing outside, even in the frigid temperatures. But there is something new about the scene in front of me now. It fills my chest with a warmth I wasn’t expecting, a warmth I hadn’t banked on when Jason started spending more time with us after Cade left.

I think back to how he’s been in the last five months, checking it against what I’ve known of him the last fifteen years. He’s been a constant—his support unwavering and unquestionable. It’s no secret he’s smitten with Haley. That girl has him wrapped so far around her pinky, it wouldn’t take much more than a bat of her thick eyelashes to get him to agree to anything.

Paige’s words come to me, a reminder that I’m not a new infatuation for Jason. That, according to her, he’s been looking at me differently for months. And his words from this morning prove that.

Somewhere along the way, I started looking at him differently, too.

But still, I’m holding back.

A few months of new behavior doesn’t discount the years before. The years full of girls, of one-night stands—neither of which I’m judging him for. He was never committed to any of the women he slept with, never misled anyone, and if that worked for him, great. It
doesn’t
work for me, though, and I’m worried this is just a phase. Something that won’t stick, and then where will that leave me? Where will that leave
us
? Because as much as I’d like to make the decision based solely on what my body is begging me to do, there’s another person I have to take into account. Another person who’ll get stuck in the fallout if this all blows up in my face.