Tessa (From Fear to Faith) (15 page)

29

L
eft alone, I retreated to my bedroom, where I flopped down on the bed and tried not to think what it was going to be like having Walter around twenty-four hours a day. I closed my eyes, and I was back at Heather’s house, watching Tom wrestle a huge Christmas tree into the house. Patty was laughing as she playfully scolded him for selecting a tree that would “never in a hundred years” fit in their tiny living room. Heather was plugging in strings of colored lights while I swatted at Sadie for barking at them. Then all four of us were decorating, Tom giving advice from the couch while the rest of us hung the ornaments to the joyous accompaniment of “Silver Bells” and other Christmas songs on Patty’s CD.

But the music faded, and suddenly I was back in my own dreary bedroom, staring up at the huge crack in the ceiling. A terrible ache filled my heart. I had to go back. I had to see Patty and Heather and Sadie again. I longed to walk into the warm kitchen and breathe the spicy aroma of the gingerbread Patty had baked. I yearned to feel Sadie’s rough fur under my hand, hear Patty picking her guitar, and snuggle under a blanket with Heather as we watched a movie
together.

The ache grew so intense I could not bear it. I groaned and clutched my pillow to my chest in an effort to ease the pain, but it didn’t help. Something inside of me desperately needed Patty. I felt like I couldn’t survive without her. Yet, I would have to.

There’s God,
I thought.
Patty says he loves me and cares about me just like she does. But I can’t see him! How can he possibly hold my hand or tuck me into bed or give me a hug?

Tears ran down my face.
That’s what I need, God! Not some person way off up in the sky that I can’t see or feel. Please, I wanna go back and stay with Patty. If you’ll do that, then I’ll believe you love me.

I was so sincere I almost believed something would happen. But I waited in vain. No voice spoke from heaven. The disconnected phone didn’t ring with Patty on the other end. Mom didn’t come back and say she’d decided to let me stay with Ericksons again. The silence was deafening. Even God didn’t care.

“Okay. Screw it,” I muttered. “You’re not going back, Tess. As selfish and mean as you are, nobody could love you anyway. Get used to it!”

I thought this would end the pain, but it grew worse. Sobbing, I cursed myself for having ever gone to Patty’s in the first place. All that talk about love seemed a cruel joke now. There was no love for me. I might as well swallow the pain and learn to live with it, as I had done for most of my life.

The trouble was, I couldn’t get my thoughts to cooperate. Things Patty had said about God and his love for me kept swirling around in my head. Things I wished I could believe.
God loves you, Tessa. You’re very special to him.

But the words grated on my bleeding heart. “No! No one loves me! No one!” I screamed.

Try as I did, I couldn’t drown out Patty’s gentle voice.
God loves you.
That’s why we love you. You’ve just got to open your heart . . . God loves you, Tessa!

I couldn’t hide from it. Deep inside, something told me Patty was right.

Okay, fine. So maybe God does love me. But what’s this thing about opening my heart?
How am I supposed to do that?
It all seemed too vague and difficult.

My thoughts kept returning to the time Patty had spent with me that morning. Something had happened inside of me – something good. All I had done was let go. I had let myself trust her. By letting go and trusting her, I realized, I had opened my heart to her love. Maybe I could do the same with God.

My voice was so thick I could hardly speak. “God,” I whispered, “I’m gonna trust what Patty told me about you. She says you care, and that you love me just like she does.”

I felt an inexplicable warmth come over me, as if the sun were shining on me. In that instant, I knew beyond a doubt that God really did love me. I could sense his arms around me, holding me close. Overwhelmed, I began to cry.
God, I really do believe you love me! I don’t understand it, but I do.

Time passed. I heard Mom come home with Walter, then Walter out in the living room complaining about something, but I was in another world. Evening came on, and with it the amber glow of a sunset. I moved to the window to catch the fiery rays on my face.

God’s love is something like this,
I thought,
warm,
magical, special. Only it doesn’t fade.
I watched the sun dip beneath the horizon in a splash of coral and magenta. Little purple clouds floated just above, their edges taking on hues of brilliant pink, then fading to steel blue. I stayed at the window a long time, letting the darkness envelop me and the silence seep into my soul.

30

W
alter’s first day at home passed uneventfully. Mom had settled him in the easy chair in front of the TV, and except when she forgot to dispense his pain medication, he was quiet. He paid me no attention. I had the feeling he was embarrassed and would rather I wasn’t around. I couldn’t blame him. He looked pathetic, with numerous scrapes and bruises on his face and a wide bandage across his forehead. Another much thicker bandage covered his left arm from the elbow to the wrist. A third encased his right leg and foot.

I was glad when Monday came and I could return to school. Heather met me coming in and gave me a big hug. “How’s it going?”

“Okay, I guess. Better than I expected.” Then, feeling a bit silly, I told her about believing God loved me.

Heather’s face lit up. “Tess, that’s great! Do you have a Bible?”

“A Bible?” I frowned. “Why do I need that?”

She laughed. “It’s God’s book. You can learn more about him by reading it. If you want, tomorrow I’ll bring you a New Testament.”

“Okay, but I’m not any good at keeping rules.”

“Keeping rules?”

“Yeah. You know, the ten commandments, stuff like that.”

“Well, it’s not about keeping rules, it’s…” Heather paused. “When you saw how much God loved you the other night, did it make you act any different?”

“Sure. I was happy. I didn’t even mind washing the dishes for once.”

Heather grinned and nodded. “See, that’s what being a Christian is all about. It’s not following a bunch of rules; it’s just living out of that love.” She gave my arm a quick squeeze. “We can talk more later. Just stick with what you’ve got, okay?”

I nodded. I knew I’d never give up what I had experienced. It was too precious.

But as the days went by, my happiness over God’s love faded. Heather gave me a Bible, and we talked every day, but I was afraid to tell her of the change. I knew she’d be disappointed in me.

The weekend came again, and with it, a shift in Walter’s disposition. Sullen and silent most of the time, he’d go into a rage if Mom didn’t do what he wanted. He’d slam his fist on the end table, yell, and curse her. Mom would yell right back, adding an insult or two for good measure. Thus a disagreement over something as trivial as a TV show would escalate until I felt like screaming. Even when things simmered down, the atmosphere remained tense. I couldn’t relax enough to even read a novel.

I fought to keep my thoughts off Christmas, which was now only a week away. Mom never discussed money with me, but I knew our finances were tight. I dreaded what she’d say if I mentioned Christmas. “I’m sorry, Tess. We can’t afford it.”

But my heart ached. Every time I turned on the radio, they were playing their stupid songs about how bright and jolly everything was. Even the commercials reflected the so-called holiday spirit. At mealtimes, the trashy magazines scattered on the table taunted me with glittering headlines such as “Celebrity Tips for Surviving the Holidays in Style” or “151 Fabulous Gift Ideas.” I felt like ripping them to shreds. All they did was remind me of what I couldn’t have.

Early Monday morning, I awoke to yet another fight. I pushed my head under the pillow in an attempt to muffle the harsh voices, but they kept getting louder. Then something heavy crashed against the wall.

“I said give it to me!” Walter screamed.

Fear tightened my chest. I shoved the pillow aside and propped myself up on my elbows, listening.

“Julie, please.” Walter’s voice was softer now, a thin cover for his obvious exasperation. “You gotta give me something. This stupid leg is killing me!”

“I don’t care!” Mom shot back. “You heard what the doctor said. No drinks til you’re better.”

Walter slammed his fist down. “To hell with the doctor! Where’s my pills? Some nurse you are, forgetting my pills.”

“I didn’t forget. The bottle ran out.”

“Well, get a refill! And hurry up. I should’ve had them an hour ago.”

“I can’t do that. There’s no refills on this.”

Walter cursed. “What! You’re lying. Now get going, or I’ll find a way to make you.”

“Forget it. There’s no druggist in town gonna fill this. See here?
No refills.
Even you should be able to read that!”

For a second there was dead silence. Then Walter let loose a torrent of angry, abusive language. “What you trying to pull on me? This is impossible. The doc said–”

“That more drugs is the last thing you need,” Mom cut in. “I talked to him myself.”

“You sneaking–” Walter stopped. His voice took on a tone of defeat. “Julie, look. Just get me a refill, okay? Tell the doc I need it.”

“Not a chance, big guy. You can just do without. It’ll be good for you.”

“Good for me!” he exploded, crashing his fist down again. “How would you like to have all these broken bones and then have some jerk tell you it’s good for you!”

“Well, nobody gave me any painkillers after you busted that chair on my leg and slugged me in the face. Nobody gave Tess any painkillers after you mostly beat her to death. Nobody–”

“Stop it!” he roared.

I groaned as I dragged myself from the warm bed. Mom had better be joking about not getting him a refill. Listening to this for the next couple of weeks would drive me insane.

By the time I ventured out of my room, the fighting had subsided. I could hear Mom in the kitchen buttering toast. As I hurried past, Walter called to me.

“Tess, get me the phone. I’ve got to call my doctor. I think I’m infected or something.”

He sounded desperate – pleading, almost. I stopped in surprise.

Walter gestured with his good hand. “C’mon, kid. What you waitin’ for? Get me the phone.”

I probably would have obeyed if Mom hadn’t yelled from the kitchen just then. “Don’t you dare, Walter. You’ve cost me enough already.”

The only answer was a fist slammed on the table and a muttered curse.

In the kitchen, Mom handed me a bowl of warm applesauce and a piece of toast. “I hate to say it, but I can’t leave with him like this. And the bus already went past, so I’m afraid…”

“Maybe Patty can take me to school,” I said. Anything to avoid having to stay home.

“Good idea. Why don’t you call her.”

Patty said she’d be more than happy to drive me to school. I waited for her with a mixture of anticipation and dread. I hated to let her know how bad things were.

“So you got your phone fixed,” she greeted me, as I settled into the front seat of her car.

“Yeah.”

“Heather tells me you’re doing well.”

“Yeah. I guess.”

She turned to look at me. “So, how’s it really going?” she asked.

Tears pricked my eyes. “It’s a mess. Mom and Walter…” I shook my head in frustration. “They fight about everything! I think they’d kill each other if they could.”

“Oh honey, I’m sorry.”

“And now he’s dragging me into it too,” I went on. “It’s crazy. I think Mom’s being extra nasty to him because he’s hurt and can’t do anything about it.”

Patty reached to adjust the heat. “What do you think about that?”

“Well, I guess I don’t blame her. I mean, he deserves it. But for some stupid reason, I feel a bit bad for him too.”

“Heather tells me you were able to believe God loves you.”

“Yeah, I did, but now I’m not sure.” I twisted my hands in my lap.

“God does love you, Tessa. It’s the truth, and the truth is true whether you feel sure about it or not. When God’s love gets inside of you, one of the things that happens is you start to love other people. The compassion you feel for Walter isn’t stupid. It’s how God feels toward him.”

I turned to stare at her. “You mean to tell me God cares about him? How could he?”

Patty slowed the car as we approached the bridge into Northford. “Suppose you had known Walter when he was a baby. Would you have hated him then?”

“Of course not. He wasn’t bad then.”

Patty continued. “But since then, he’s grown into a very bad man. We don’t see how to separate the badness from the man, but God does. He hates the badness, but he loves the man.”

“But what good does it do for God to love him, when he’s so evil?” I protested.

“Remember when I told you about Jesus dying on the cross?”

“Yeah, sort of.” I recalled hearing something about it during one of her bedtime talks.

“Well, when Jesus died, he took on all of our evilness and got rid of it. That’s why he forgives us. When we accept him – his love, his forgiveness – into our lives, spiritually we get born again. It’s like starting your life all over. Your old, bad life is all gone, and in its place you have a new life that Jesus gives you.”

The things she was saying felt strangely familiar. “So, maybe that’s what happened to me when I believed Jesus loved me,” I mused aloud.

Patty pulled over and parked in front of the school. “If you accepted his love, then you accepted him. God is love.”

A tingle of excitement ran through me. “You mean . . . I’m a Christian?”

Suddenly we were both laughing. Patty reached over and gave me a hug. “You’re a Christian, you’re born again, whatever you want to call it. Yes.”

“Cool! Wait til I tell Heather.”

I felt like telling the whole world as I skipped up the sidewalk.
I’m a Christian. I really and truly belong to God!
Never in my life had I felt so much joy. Why would anyone not want to belong to God?