Tethered (21 page)

“No, but she did tell me that she thinks there is a chance for you two to get back together,” I said softly. “And a part of me believes her; especially since you guys are ‘bonded’ by an unborn baby.”

I drop my eyes and curse myself for my voice breaking on the last part of my sentence. Emmet became extremely quiet and still. I wasn’t even sure if he was breathing. I felt tears sliding down my cheeks. I wiped at them with a surprising amount of anger. It rose without warning inside of me and Emmet’s silence only added fuel to the fire. As if I had suddenly gained super powers, I looked up into Emmet’s face and shoved him away from me so hard that he stumbled back and almost fell on his ass. I moved forward and shoved him again. This time he was prepared and had time to steel himself. I was still much smaller than him and didn’t move him much, but that didn’t stop me from shoving him again.

“You fucked her without a condom!” I yelled. “Thank god I found out or I would have made the mistake of letting you take my virginity and possibly give me some kind of STD!”

I shoved at him again, but he just stood there. His anger had evaporated and now he just looked sad, scared, and full of regrets.

“I was looking for you at the party and when I found you, you didn’t even know I was there,” I snarled. “You were too busy walking off into the dark with the mother of your dead baby.”

Even I knew how cruel and utterly wrong that was as I said it. The words were ugly and bad tasting on my tongue even as I spat them out at him.

Emmet’s anger returned.

I had no recourse, nowhere to go before he reached me. I was shoved into the side of the car so hard that it rocked and all of the air left my lungs. Emmet crushed my body to the Audi with his and put his face so close to mine that our noses touched.

“That baby was a mistake,” he said in the scariest hushed tone I had ever heard. “But that doesn’t change the fact that it was a life lost. It wasn’t what I wanted, especially with Stella, but it was mine and it mattered even if it never had a chance. Every life matters, Donya. I thought even you would see that
when I
was ready to tell you, but clearly I was wrong about you.”

He stepped away from me and walked around to the other side of the car. I bent over, with my hands on my knees, gasping for air and trying to push down the astonishing panic I felt bubbling in my throat.

Emmet was not only angry with my terrible words, but now his opinion of me was altered entirely. It was more than I could take. Why did I have to say that? Why couldn’t I just ask him to tell me about Stella and the baby and be supportive? Why did I do what I did?

“Get in the car,” he commanded.

I couldn’t be in the car with him. I just couldn’t do it. I staggered a few steps away and without warning I started to heave. I dropped to my knees and dry heaved repeatedly until I thought my stomach was going to turn inside out in effort to get out of my body. When it finally stopped, I was crying. It was disgusting, snotty, hiccupping crying. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and bent over with my head in my hands, sobbing.

I thought Emmet had given up on me. I thought he was probably standing by the car, impatiently waiting for me to get my shit together so he could drive me home. But then his arms were around my waist, carefully lifting me until I was standing. He made no efforts to comfort me, but he half carried, half walked me to the car and helped me inside. He closed the door and when he got in behind the wheel, he didn’t make me put my seatbelt on or do it for me. He didn’t even look at me. He drove the few minutes to my house without saying a word as I sat there doing that ugly crying.

When he stopped in front of my house, I looked at him with all kinds of apologies stuck to my tongue, but he gently shook his head, shutting me down. His eyes were shimmering with unshed tears, but his jaw was clenched with anger. Feeling clumsy and stupid, I turned away from him and stumbled out of the car. He sat there at the curb as I staggered up the sidewalk to the door. I don’t even know how I managed to use my key to unlock the door, but the moment the door was open, Emmet drove away. He didn’t peel away like a bat out of hell like he did that one night we had fought. He drove away at a normal, decent pace.

Somehow, that seemed that much worse.

The tether stretched and threatened to break. With all of the frays that were now in it, I knew it was only a matter of time before it did.

Chapter Seventeen

My bedroom door opened and my mom stepped in, holding a laundry basket. She looked startled to see me there.

“Oh, I didn’t know you were home. I thought you were at your other house,” she said, setting the basket down. “These are clothes you left in the dryer. I folded them up for you.”

“Thanks,” I said. My one word sounded as dead as I felt.

She looked at me for a long moment. She started to leave the room but halted. Slowly she turned back to me.

“Are you okay?” she asked carefully.

“Since when does it matter to you if I’m okay,” I said and chose to stare at the ceiling. It was barely a question. It was more like a statement.

“Well, I’m asking,” she lightly snapped. “Obviously it matters to me.”

“Well, this is new. My mother gives a damn for a change.”

“Donya Elisabeth,” she said my name in warning, but I didn’t care about her warning. What could she possibly do to me that I hadn’t already done to myself?

“Get out of my room. Go back to your lonely existence of only caring about yourself.”

She gasped, but my words didn’t immediately chase her away.

“I care about you very much,” she said. Though her voice shook slightly and there was obvious emotion behind it, I didn’t care.

“And I care about cotton candy and shoes very much. So what? Get out of my room.”

She stood there a moment longer before quietly slipping out. Later I would feel bad about the way I treated her, but at the moment, I didn’t care that I hurt her.

It was the middle of the afternoon. I had only gotten out of bed once to use the bathroom when I first woke up. If I was hungry I didn’t feel it. If I was thirsty, I didn’t notice. The only thing I was aware of was the gaping, ragged hole in my chest. A bullet to the chest would have probably felt significantly better.

I lay in bed, in the silence of my room, staring at the walls, staring at the ceiling, or with my eyes closed. I was constantly assaulted by the smell of Emmet’s body and cologne. I had slipped into his blue shirt before stumbling into bed in the wee hours of the morning. I had cried myself into a fitful sleep, full of nightmares I couldn’t recall. I only slept a couple of hours before I woke up and stayed up.

I didn’t make any efforts to call Emmet and as far as I knew, he made no effort to call me either. Part of me hoped that he would have come to me at some point in the night, or that he would come for me during the morning, but he didn’t, and I didn’t deserve his presence anyway.

I stopped crying in the middle of the morning, but the pain only became more and more magnified as the hours ticked by. Soon Emmet would be gone and I had ruined our last bit of time together. I hated myself so much for my careless words. Even though Emmet had also done something careless, I should have at least given him the opportunity to explain himself.

Around four-thirty, my mom ventured back into my room.

“I’m going into work early,” she said. “They’re shorthanded and it’s busy. I won’t get off until eight and then I have some errands to run.”

When I didn’t answer her, she asked “Are you going to be okay? Is there something I can do for you?”

“No,” I said.

“To which question?”

“Both.”

She hesitated for a moment. She sucked in a breath like she was going to speak, but she changed her mind and left the room without another word.

*~*~*

I had fallen asleep at some point. It was dark when I heard someone calling my name from the front of the house. A moment later, Emmy threw open my bedroom door and flipped on the overhead light. I blinked up at the light and then gave up and covered my eyes.

“What are you doing in bed?” she asked, alarmed. “I called you like thirty times! You have to get up and get dressed!”

I heard my closet door open and hangers moving as Emmy started searching for something.

“Mom and dad are going to be here to get us in a few minutes,” she said. I felt something land on the bed. I forced my eyes open, uncovered them and blinked down at a little black dress.

I had not forgotten about Emmet’s going away dinner. It was at a nice restaurant in Philly. Several others were also attending. I had been excited about going. I had even bought Emmet a gift.

“I’m not going,” I said to Emmy and kicked the dress to the floor.

She watched the dress fall to the floor. She looked at it for a long moment, surprised, and then looked at me. Her eyes narrowed.

“What’s wrong? Did your mom do something to you?”

“No,” I said. “I don’t feel good. I don’t want to go.”

“But…” she didn’t know what to say. I always went.

“I’m not going,” I said firmly. “Wish Emmet well.”

“But…” her head tilted. “Why?”

“I just told you I don’t feel good,” I snapped.

“I guess I believe you,” she snapped back. “You look like shit.”

I didn’t answer her. She snatched the dress up off of the floor and hung it back up.

“Well, then I guess you’ll be over later tonight?”

Fred had rented a trailer to attach to the back of his truck for the move. Emmy and I were going to ride with Emmet while Sam and Fred followed behind us with Emmet’s belongings.

“I don’t think I’m going to Cambridge either,” I told her.

“Emmet’s going to be disappointed,” she frowned.

“I highly doubt it.”

Her frown deepened.

“You’re my best friend, Donya,” she said, crossing her arms. “I know you. I know you aren’t sick. Something has happened. What is it?”

I almost laughed. If she knew me so damn well then she should have been able to see how much I loved her brother, but she didn’t.

“Maybe I have what my mom has,” I said quietly.

Her eyes widened. “Depression?”

“Maybe,” I said.

“Oh, D,” she said, rushing over to the bed. I didn’t want to be touched, but I let her hug me. “Maybe I should stay with you.”

“No,” I said quickly. “I’ll be okay. Just let me take a couple of days to get myself together. I’ll be okay.”

“Did you tell your mom?”

“No. No need to tell her. She was about to go work almost a double shift. She didn’t need to know.”

Emmy sighed and then pushed loose strands of hair off my forehead.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Go eat a lot of food and annoy your mom,” I forced a smile.

“I can manage that,” she smiled gently. “I love you, D.”

“I love you, too.”

“I’ll call to check on you later, okay? Make sure you answer or I’m going to worry.”

“I’ll answer,” I promise.

She got up, offered a few more kind words and left me alone.

“Finally,” I breathed and rolled over to fall back into darkness.

*~*~*

Emmy called me after dinner later that night. She offered to come over and stay with me, but I insisted that I wanted to be left alone. I asked her about dinner; though I wasn’t really sure I wanted to know the details. She said it was fine, but Emmet seemed a little on the quiet side, but she couldn’t figure out why.

“Probably some floosy got to him,” she had joked, not knowing that
I
was the floosy.

She asked me to reconsider the ride to Cambridge, because there was bound to be plenty of hot college guys to cheer me up. I declined again, but at least gave her the impression that I was a little regretful that I’d miss the hot college guys. What about saying goodbye to Emmet? Was I going to say goodbye to Emmet?

“I’m pretty sure Emmet’s world won’t end if I don’t come say goodbye,” I had said, trying to sound light about it, but it was anything but light.
My
world was going to come to an end because I wasn’t going to say goodbye.

I listened patiently while she talked about Leo and his kissing skills. Leo was a good looking guy, but hearing about kissing made me think of kissing Emmet. It didn’t look like I’d be kissing him again.

My sadness began to consume me and I couldn’t stand to stay on the phone a minute longer with Emmy and all of her cluelessness. I told her I was going to watch television and go to bed and that she should consider going to bed, too since they were leaving bright and early in the morning. She offered once more to come stay the night with me, but I convinced her that I was fine though I was anything but. I loved her and appreciated her, but she needed to go.

When I finally hung up with her, I lay in my bed staring up at the ceiling. Staring at the ceiling made me think of being in Emmet’s bed and staring at the ceiling while he did incredible things to my body. When I realized that I had moved my hand over my breast while deep in my memories, I gasped, moved my hand away and got out of the bed.

I left my room and walked down the dark hallway to the living room. I turned on a light on my way to the kitchen. My stomach growled loudly, demanding to be fed since I hadn’t eaten anything since before the party, but I didn’t have the energy to chew. I could deal with the hunger pangs; I had ignored them most of the day.

I kneeled down and opened the cabinet door next to the fridge. Inside were several bottles of various sizes. There was wine, vodka, tequila, whiskey, brandy, and more. My mom wasn’t much of a drinker, but my dad was. For whatever reason, she never got rid of the booze.

Emmy drank when she was mad, sad, happy, horny, melancholy and just for the hell of it. It was rather disturbing how much a sixteen year old girl could drink, but I wasn’t a drinker, much like my mother. I drank at some parties, but for the most part, since that one night at Jorge’s, I didn’t drink much at all.

I reached into the cabinet and pulled out a bottle of red wine. I liked the taste of wine, much more than I liked the taste of beer or anything else. I found a corkscrew, pulled the cork out and grabbed a wine glass. If I was going to do something I shouldn’t do, I figured I may as well do it in style.