That Wedding (41 page)

Pastor John brings up the subject of money, which catches my attention. I realize that Lori might be right. Maybe we DO need counseling! Because Phillip definitely needs counseling in this area. He needs to learn the art of compromise!

Pastor hands us each a financial questionnaire.

After we write down our answers, he takes them from us.

Shit!

I didn't know he was gonna take them!! Last time, he didn't take them!!

Double shit!

I cringe as Pastor reads them back to us. "The first question asks what your spending habits are and if you agree on them. JJ, you said,
I buy shoes. He buys beer and shit for his car, and we try to pretend it doesn't bother us. So yes, we agree. Oh shoot, I probably shouldn't say shit on a religious paper. Cross that out.
"

Phillip raises an eyebrow at me. I'm slightly mortified. I really wish I could read his mind because then I'd know if I'm in trouble for cussing or for what I said.

I whisper to Phillip. "I didn't know he was gonna read them! Last time, he didn't read them!"

Pastor continues. "Phillip said,
This is probably an area we need to discuss. Especially since we need to buy a house soon. JJ is pretty conservative with her money, so it will work out well.
"

Awww. Phillip is so sweet, but he's so completely clueless. I've been conservative with my trust money, but the money I make at my job, not so much.

Like, not at all.

That's why I have so many shoes. An assassin would have no trouble profiling me. He'd look at my credit card statement and quickly find my weakness for shoes and drinks. I'd die holding a cocktail and a bag of shoes. Not a bad way to go, now that I think about it. Actually, scratch that.

I'd die never having worn the shoes.

That'd suck.

Phillip reaches over and holds my hand. I grin lovingly back at him.

Danny's not the only one who can suck up.

Pastor keeps going. "The next question asks if you have set any mutual long-term financial goals. JJ, you said,
Uh, no
, and Phillip said,
I have quite a few long term goals for myself, but this is something we need to discuss
. I'd say that's a good idea, Phillip."

Oh, sure. Phillip's the star student. If I would've known he was gonna read them, I would've tried harder.

"I think we can probably guess whether or not JJ has made a budget yet, but here's what your bride said, Phillip.
If there's money in my account, I spend it. Does that count?
"

Phillip chuckles. I guess at least I can make him laugh.

"Okay," I say. "I think we've heard enough. We haven't talked at all about money. In fact, we've been arguing about how much to spend on a house. Phillip won't negotiate. Couple's counseling has corrupted him. Now, he thinks he wears the pants in the family."

Phillip narrows his eyes at me. "I'm not negotiating because we can't afford what you want." He turns toward Pastor and says, "We'll figure it out. Thanks for making us aware that this could be an issue."

Pastor says, "It's definitely an issue. Money problems are one of the top reasons marriages fail. I think I'll let you go early today. Why don't you go home and discuss how to overcome this challenge."

He's letting us out early???? Taco Tuesday, here we come!!!

I sneak my phone out of my coat pocket, hide it under my leg, and text Joey.

"I agree," I say quickly. "We should go home and work on it right away."

As we're walking out to the car, Phillip says, "So we're going home to talk about our budget, huh?"

Ha!

"NO!!! We're going to the bar and getting you a few drinks. Then we'll go home and discuss it in bed."

"I thought we learned that sex doesn't resolve conflict."

I think about how my mom used to handle my stubborn dad and say sweetly, "Phillip, we don't have a conflict. I'll do whatever you think is best."

His head snaps toward me, and he looks at me with wide brown eyes. I think I just shocked him.

"Really?" he says. "You don't wanna argue about it?"

"Nope, I trust you. You set the budget, and we'll find a great house."

He looks confused. "Are you trying to trick me?"

"I don't think so," I say.

Even though I totally am. If he picks the wrong house, he'll feel guilty about it. He won't wanna feel guilty, plus, he'll want to please me, so I'm hoping this is like reverse psychology.

Make him feel in control, even when he's not.

We're in Vegas for my bachelorette party!

We got into town early this morning, checked in, and immediately headed to the spa. We all had massages, facials, and body scrubs. We've soaked in the whirlpool, ate lunch, drank lots of water and a little wine, and then headed back to our suite. Our plan is to have a drink while we figure out our dinner and clubbing plans.

I plop down on the couch between Chelsea and Katie. "Are you guys tired?"

Chelsea says, "I'm so relaxed, I don't feel like moving."

"Who knew a spa day could wear you out so much?" Katie agrees.

"So what do you guys wanna do? Should we get ready, go out?" Lori asks everyone.

Katie and I groan at the thought of getting ready.

Lori happily continues. "Well, if we don't feel like going anywhere, let's get comfy, order room service, and just stay here and chill."

I know Lisa is dying to hit the clubs, but Lori looks tired. I quickly agree with her. "I think that sounds like a great idea!" I'm hoping everyone is either too tired, or too polite, to disagree with what the bachelorette wants.

The smile Lori gives me sorta melts my heart. She wants me to have fun, but so wants to be a part of everything. I bet it's kinda hard being the only one who can't drink. If we stay here, she'll be happy, and I want her to be happy.

Lori grabs Katie off the big sectional couch, drags her into the bedroom, and comes back lugging gift wrapped packages.

"What's all this?" I ask.

"Open them and see!" she says.

I watch the girls open their presents. I love watching people open presents. The girls pull matching purple velour Juicy Couture sweatsuits out from purple glitter tissue paper.

Lori tells everyone. "I got these for us to wear while we're getting ready the day of the wedding, but we can all put them on now!" She notices I haven't opened mine yet. "Jade, open yours! Yours is the best."

I slowly unwrap the present. Savoring it, like I always do. I also have matching sweats. Lori pulls the jacket out of the box and holds it up. "Look everyone!"

The back of all the jackets have Juicy written across them. Mine has been customized with black and silver rhinestones that spell out
Bride
.

I am a JUICY Bride?

(Insert your own joke here. I'm really too relaxed to feel witty.)

We have a great time just lounging, eating, and drinking. But as the wine bottles are emptied, what's supposed to be a sweet relaxing night, turns into a wine-fueled roast of the bride.

As in, me.

I swear, they're telling every humiliating and embarrassing dating story about me!

Is nothing sacred with these women?

I'm feeling pretty mellow though, and I have to admit, some of the things that have happened with me and boys have been pretty amusing.

I should write a book about it.

Not a how-to book. No. This would be a revolutionary book.

It would start a whole new category of books. Screw the self-help books.

Instead of a book telling you what to do, this book would tell you what NOT to do.

A how-not-to book.

Things you should be wary of. Things you should never do. Lines you should never fall for. Basically, how to survive college.

This book would probably be the size of
War and Peace
, especially if I like went on the internet and complied not only my stories, but other girl's not-tos as well.

Chelsea, my adorable sorority baby sister, starts the whole thing by saying, "Remember when that guy called Jadyn by the wrong name, and she believed his lame ass excuse?"

They all laugh hysterically.

DO NOT #1:
If a guy calls you another name, you should run away! Do NOT believe him when he says he was just reading a novel for his Advanced Literature class and related to the character and his feelings for his love, who, "Oh baby, reminds me so much of you that I accidentally said her name."

Yeah, don't fall for that. He's lying. I'm pretty sure there were no girls named Kelsey in any Advanced Literature books.

Katie laughs. "She always used to fall for the line,
Let's go to my room, so we can talk in private
."

Lori, who hasn't even had any wine, giggles at me. "Everyone knows that, Jade. How do you even fall for that?"

I'm pretty sure that's one of those rhetorical questions, so I don't even bother to reply.

DO NOT #2:
DO NOT believe when he says he wants to go some place quiet to talk, especially if you're tipsy. Talking is the very last thing on his mind.

The girls keep giggling. Lori half laughs and half screams, "What about when everyone thought she was the threesome video girl?"

I decide to defend myself on this one. "It's not my fault, I'm nice. He asked me out in such a cute way."

Lori laughs. "He handed you a dandelion! How was that cute? That's like the lamest thing ever!"

"No, it wasn't. Phillip used to pick me dandelions when we were kids. It was adorable."

DO NOT #3:
If you are best friends with two hot guys, and you decide to date a slightly smaller, somewhat insecure guy, who's adorable in the I-rescued-this-lost-kitten sort of way, DO NOT bring your hot buff roommates to the bar to meet him. He will immediately think that all you do when you go home is lie around naked, have sex, and make sex videos.

Yes, that's what his feeble little mind came up with, and because he was insecure, he also chose to spread that sweet adorable thought all around campus. For three seemingly unending weeks, I got numerous texts from guys who wanted to
get to know me better
with their cameras. And others who wanted me to send them
just one
naked picture.

It's like they wanted proof to show their friends that they had, in fact, kissed (or whatever) the threesome video girl.

Chelsea giggles. "Oh my gosh! Do you remember the night she hurled burritos and tequila all over the frat house?"

DO NOT #4:
DO NOT get drunk off tequila shots and then attempt to navigate through a fraternity party to find your friend, and usual rescuer, because sometimes you can't find him in your drunken state, and you're forced to send up a flare, or smoke signals, or something.