The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (14 page)

2.
Practice self-control.
The apostle Paul said, “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Phil. 2:4). The principle of unselfishly acting as a blessing to one’s partner certainly applies to lovemaking. As a man, your sexual needs can often be satisfied within a matter of seconds; your wife’s situation is just the reverse. She begins more slowly, then gradually builds to her sexual climax. Most men who accuse their wives of being averse to sex because they cannot reach an orgasm are often themselves the problem. About the time she is really getting excited, her husband ejaculates and leaves her with a limp penis, thus denying her an opportunity for a satisfying climax in intercourse.

By what means can we solve this problem? The husband must learn to control ejaculation, and this demands strong self-discipline and practice. Some have suggested that men during intercourse may profitably contemplate nonstimulating things—sports, business, or, as one husband said, “I think about paying the monthly bills.” Be careful not to overdo it, but concentrate on something that will delay your ejaculation and give your wife sufficient time for her emotional buildup. Remember, she usually requires ten to fifteen minutes of manipulation, either with your hand or through intercourse, before she can climax. Add to that a stimulating period of foreplay, and you will find plenty of time to practice self-control. Certain techniques that enable a man to postpone his ejaculation will be dealt with in detail in chapter 11.

3.
Concentrate on your wife’s satisfaction
. Since a woman’s orgasm is much more complex than a man’s, it takes her longer to learn this art. A wise husband will make his wife’s satisfaction a major priority early in their marriage so they can both benefit from her accomplishment.

Modern research has revealed some interesting feminine responses that a husband should understand. For instance, the intriguing creature known as his wife does not regard foreplay as “a warm-up before the game” as men often do; rather, to her it is an integral part of the big game. No husband should rush this activity just because his instincts suggest it. Instead, he should be aware of the four phases his wife goes through in the lovemaking process. Then he can devote his attention to bringing her through each stage.

Dr. Gary Smalley in his family seminars on TV makes a big point of the power of tender touch. He claims that a woman needs at least twelve touches a day to be assured of her husband’s love. Such touches should not be saved until just before bedtime and administered one right after another, while counting out twelve instant love pats. His suggestion is that these love touches start in the morning and go on whenever they pass each other or are together. Such touches silently communicate approval, closeness, and love. I would add that you make sure they are not all sexual touches, particularly if there are other people in the house. A woman needs to be assured that her husband loves her, not just her body. The husband who makes it clear that he loves the woman who resides in her body more than just her body seldom lacks for the responsive love that only her body can provide. And always keep in mind, married sex comes without guilt and the greatest sex in the world is married love!

4.
Remember what arouses a woman
. The sight of his wife getting ready for bed is sufficient stimulation for most men to be ready for the act of marriage. By contrast, the wife at this point is probably only ready for bed! Why is this so? Because men are stimulated by sight, whereas women respond more to other things—soft, loving words and tender touch.

Although not registering on a decibel tester, the auditory mechanism of a woman seems uniquely responsive to the male voice. For instance, teenage girls are more actively stimulated to emit screams and groans at rock concerts than are their male escorts. Rarely does one hear a man say, “Her voice excites me,” whereas it is common to hear a woman exclaim, “His voice turns me on!” That auditory mechanism can be likened to the thermostat on the wall of your home. Entering the house at night, you can turn her thermostat up by speaking reassuring, loving, approving, or endearing words. You can likewise turn her thermostat down through disapproval, condemnation, or insults. In such cases it is safe to conclude that the louder your voice, the more rapidly you turn her down. It is a wise husband who from the time he gets home from work until he goes to bed uses his voice and his wife’s auditory receiver to turn her on consistently.

Many a wife can identify with Mary: “My husband criticizes me from the time he walks in the house at night until we go to bed, and then he cannot understand why I’m not interested in lovemaking. I’m just not made that way!” If only more husbands were alert to this strong influence on their partner’s emotions!

5.
Control your anger
. Anger makes matters worse! Male anger has reached a fevered pitch today and is apparent everywhere from hostile drivers to explosive outbursts at sporting events and other activities that should give us enjoyment. Anger seems to be the response of preference when men face frustration. Admittedly, the frustration level at work, school, church, and throughout our culture in general has reached an all-time high. Unfortunately, too many men bring such anger home and take it out on their wives. Anger is not a sexual motivator! And the first way that anger is usually demonstrated is in words. Yelling or caustic and unkind speech is almost as demotivating to a couple’s love life as physical abuse. We are convinced that “Spirit-filled homes are angry-free” homes most of the time. A godly husband who wants to communicate true love to his wife must use both tender touch and kind gracious speech. And what does a real man do when he loses control? He apologizes. That is God’s way of removing a potential root of bitterness that otherwise would fester in the heart of a wife.

The Bible is not silent on this subject, but commands, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh [or bitter] with them” (Col. 3:19). Harbored bitterness produces angry actions and outbursts that cut to the heart. Every couple I have ever counseled who claimed they had lost their love for each other started the damage with their mouths. Our gift of speech is a gift of God that was provided for edification and gracious communication. It is a wise man who leaves his anger, particularly angry speech, outside the home. It is an even wiser man who uses the resources of the Holy Spirit to cure his anger altogether.

6.
Do not use crude words.
A woman’s verbal receiver responds not only to the tone of voice but also to the message of the words. One couple requested help regarding the wife’s “frigidity problem.” After seven years of marriage, they had three children and claimed mutual love and respect. Upon questioning, we discovered that he spoke lovingly to his wife, wooed her tenderly, and gained a warm response up to a point. Then suddenly she would turn “cold as ice.” Eventually we discerned that his language was the culprit. In the heat of lovemaking excitement, he would introduce crude terms and crass expressions he had picked up in the army, forgetting that women tend to be more delicate in their word selections and often cannot understand why men use such uncouth speech to describe beautiful things. To solve that problem of her turning “cold,” he had only to learn better terminology. Such things are important to women.

7.
Protect her privacy
. Men are far more inclined than women to be sex braggarts. Many a thoughtless man has spoiled a vital relationship by indiscreetly revealing his wife’s intimate secrets to his buddies. If such a thing gets back to his wife, she feels betrayed. Such impropriety is not worth the risk. The beauty and sanctity of the intimate relationship you share is strictly confidential. Keep it that way.

8.
Beware of offensive odors.
The power of smell is one of our primary senses. Unfortunately some people experience more difficulty in this area than others, but today there is little excuse for bad breath, body odor, or any other offensive smells. A thoughtful lover will prepare for lovemaking by taking frequent baths, using effective deodorant, and practicing good oral hygiene.

On the subject of odors we share an observation made in the counseling room about extremely sensitive men. A melancholic man is a perfectionist, a very sensitive idealist. Consequently he may become “turned off” by the odors emitted by his wife’s natural vaginal fluids. Women have a problem unshared by men, for the strong odor of a man’s seminal fluid is usually not detected because it remains inside him until he ejaculates it into his wife’s vagina, where it is not easily detected until after the resolution phase. But for the wife to permit penile entrance, she must secrete a vaginal lubricant that usually gives off an odor. A husband should simply learn to disregard that odor.

One such melancholic husband strongly complained that such an odor “turns me off so much that I cannot maintain my erection.” Taking note of his limited sex education, I took the time to explain the function of his wife’s vagina during sexual arousal. After convincing him this was a normal procedure over which his wife has no control, I concluded, “You should recognize that odor as the smell of love. Your wife’s response to your love causes the lubricant to flow in anticipation of coitus with you; therefore you are the one causing the odor.” With a sheepish grin he conceded, “I never thought of it that way.” He later indicated that the “smell of love” concept had transformed their love life.

9.
Don’t rush lovemaking.
Occasionally, when an experienced wife’s monthly cycle causes her to be unusually passionate at a time when coitus is convenient, you both may attain exciting orgasms in a matter of two minutes or less. When it happens, enjoy it—but don’t expect it to be the norm. Most couples find that time in love-play is a major key to feminine response. Therefore the husband who would be a good lover will not advance too quickly, but will learn to enjoy loveplay. He will not only wait until his wife is well-lubricated, but reserve his entrance into her vagina until her inner lips are engorged with blood and swollen at least twice their normal size.

The time spent in lovemaking varies with the culture. Researchers have indicated that the average experience runs from two minutes in some cultures to thirty minutes in others. Their comparisons suggest that the more a culture is masculine-oriented and views sex as existing purely for male satisfaction, the shorter the time spent in the experience. In such a case, wives view it as a wife’s “duty” or as an unpleasant function of life. In cultures where women are cherished and their satisfaction is sought, lovemaking is a time-consuming art. A wise husband will keep in mind that his wife usually requires ten to fifteen minutes more time to reach her satisfaction than he does, but he will reckon it time well spent. Once he understands that a woman’s nature ignites slowly and that her sexual tension increases gradually, he will cooperate with her needs.

10.
Communicate freely
. Most Christian women go into marriage relatively uninformed about sex and often retain the naive idea that their husbands know it all and will teach them. Rarely has she anticipated the fact that discussion of their intimate relations is difficult for most men. In fact, it is frequently the most difficult subject with which a couple has to cope. Consequently those who are most in need of the free-flowing expression of ideas on the subject practice it the least.

I have been appalled to learn that even well-educated people find it difficult to discuss their love lives frankly. But this explains why couples get embarrassed when their children ask questions about sex—they have never been able to communicate with one another on the subject. An engineer married to a schoolteacher for ten years reported, “After all this time my wife still doesn’t know what turns me on.” When I asked, “Have you ever told her?” he replied, “No, I find it embarrassing to talk about sex. Besides, I think she should know.” He was surprised when I responded, “How should she? You’re different. You feel and react differently than a woman, and you possess an entirely different reproductive apparatus. Who did you think was going to tell her?” Most young brides expect their husbands to inform them of male needs. Unfortunately this does not usually happen. We have found that open communication between a husband and wife remains the best possible sex education. After all, a young bride does not need to know how men function; she must simply learn to recognize the sexual responses of one. Who best can teach her about his needs but the object of her love—her husband?

11.
Love your wife as a person
. No human being likes to be considered an object, for in the quest for identity, everyone wants to be accepted as a person. A young man wins the affection of a young woman because he loves her as a person, showering his attention and affections upon her. After the wedding he too often becomes involved in business and work while his wife is busy raising their children. The two gradually become preoccupied with activities that do not include each other. Consequently the wife soon feels that the only thing they share is their bedroom life. That is always unacceptable to a woman. This is what gives rise to the complaint often heard in the counseling room, “The only time my husband is interested in me is when he wants sex”; or “I am no longer a person to my husband; I am just a sex object”; or “When my husband and I have relations, I don’t feel it is a natural expression of love. Instead, I feel used.”

It is interesting that when confronted with the wife’s discontent, most husbands admit the validity of her complaint. But they are mystified at how it occurred so gradually, and they are not always sure what to do to correct it.

There are many things a man can do to express his love for his wife as a person. As he does, he will find them mutually therapeutic. Such expressions not only reassure his wife of his love, but also reaffirm it in his own heart. The little thoughtful things that he does or does not do confirm to his wife’s heart that he loves her as a person.