The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (12 page)

The husband, no matter how inexperienced, will intuitively recognize his wife’s accelerated motion as the signal for him to begin his thrusting motion, and he will likely expel his mixture of seminal fluid and sperm cells into her vagina within just a few thrusts. He should continue thrusting after his ejaculation as long as he can in case his wife’s orgasm is all but seconds behind his.

Shortly after ejaculation, his penis will lose its rigidity and will no longer maintain sufficient friction on the vaginal walls and labia minora to increase his wife’s excitement. If she has not reached an orgasm during their first coitus, the young lovers should not feel discouraged. The husband can immediately begin manual stimulation of his wife’s clitoris and vulval area, as he did in foreplay, to help bring her to orgasm. Although it is possible for a bride to experience orgasm during the couple’s first encounter, it is unusual, especially for a virgin.

The Afterglow

Most brides find their initial lovemaking, when preceded by sufficient loveplay, a delightfully exciting experience even without orgasm. The free experimentation with their beloved’s nude body is stimulating, unsurpassed by any previous experience. Even such pain as she may have felt in the breaking of her hymen or the possible stretching of the vagina will usually be eclipsed by the stimulation of areas she has never used before. Many wives have indicated that the blast of their lover’s warm seminal fluid inside the vagina is also thrilling. Coupled with the intimate closeness of their entwined bodies, this makes it a most enjoyable expression of love. If her orgasm was not achieved, her emotional tension will gradually subside and her reproductive organs, like those of her husband, will slowly return to normal.

There is no need for lovers to withdraw immediately after completion of intercourse. We advise that they remain in each other’s embrace for several minutes and continue to exchange caresses. Many couples fall asleep in this position or learn to roll onto their sides, the limp penis gradually sliding out the vagina. Their physical and emotional exhaustion generally produces a deep, satisfying slumber.

It usually takes the husband forty-five minutes to an hour or more before he can be ready for lovemaking again. This is not true of the wife. Research by Masters and Johnson indicates that a woman can experience several orgasms, one right after another.
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For that reason, whenever a wife is brought to orgasm by her husband’s hand during foreplay, he should continue to massage her vaginal and clitoral area, for she will soon regain the feeling of mounting excitement and can repeat the orgasmic experience. It may be difficult for a man to understand how his wife can immediately be ready for more when he is powerless to regain his sex drive without a period of rest, but she is surprisingly capable of continuing orgasms. In fact, some women have reported that their most powerful climaxes are sometimes their fourth or fifth in a lovemaking session. However, if the husband stops his stimulation of the clitoris and vaginal area immediately after the first orgasm, she will gradually lose her mounting passion and retreat to a state of emotional and physical exhaustion similar to that of her husband.

Honeymoon Experimentation

Honeymoons exist not only to provide a special time for companionship, but to promote sexual learning and experimentation. For that reason, couples should try various methods of stimulation, positions (see pages 90–91), times of day, and whatever they both find enjoyable. We recommend that sometime during their honeymoon, in order to understand fully their partner’s physiological function during lovemaking, they bring each other to orgasm by hand. This experiment should be carried out in a lighted room where they may be free from any interruptions. Unclothed, they should maintain the same romantic atmosphere and unhurried preparation as for any other period of lovemaking.

It is advisable that the husband try to bring his wife to orgasm first, because after his climax it is usually difficult for him to be vitally interested in lovemaking for some time. Proceeding in the manner outlined above, he should lie on his side next to and slightly above his wife while he tenderly caresses the clitoris and the vaginal area with his hand. When the labia minora are sufficiently swollen, indicating that she is responding properly and her vagina is well lubricated, he will feel that the protective hood has covered the clitoris area, and he can create friction in both places at once. She may want him to insert one finger very gently into the vagina, making slow rhythmic movements inside while his other fingers continue contact with the outer vulval area. This will usually give her a delightful sensation and help to increase her excitement. She should feel free to use her hand to guide her husband’s to the most responsive areas and create the most stimulating motions. Then she should concentrate with abandon on those vital areas of friction and let herself go completely, so that if she wishes to groan, cry, wiggle, rotate, or thrust, she may do so.

To fully realize her capability after her first orgasm, the wife should encourage her husband to slacken his motions, but not discontinue them. As her excitement begins to mount again, she can signal him to speed up his motion and increase its vigor to her satisfaction until she reaches another orgasm. Twice will probably be sufficient at this state of their marriage.

After her climax, the wife should turn on her side while the husband lies on his back. Gently massaging the genital region, she should run her fingers over his penis, pubic hair, scrotum, and inner thighs. She should be very careful not to put pressure on his testicles located inside his scrotal sac, as this can be quite uncomfortable. With her hand around the shaft of the penis, she should begin massaging up and down. As her motion becomes more rapid, her husband’s body will grow more rigid, and she will be able to verify his response to her touch. This motion should be continued until he ejaculates. Before beginning this exercise, the wife should have several tissues on hand to absorb the discharge.

Dr. Herbert J. Miles, in his excellent book
Sexual Happiness in Marriage,
tells the following story:

One couple in the research sample had this experience. They attempted intercourse on their wedding night and the wife did not have an orgasm, but the husband did. After intercourse, they attempted to bring her to an orgasm by direct stimulation. In the process she gradually became tense, nervous, and just could not continue the arousal effort, although she tried and wanted to do so. She had to ask her husband to stop the stimulation. They lay there, relaxed, and talked for over three hours, on into the night. Finally, long after midnight she said, “I want us to try that again.” They repeated the process of direct stimulation and after about seventeen minutes she reached her first orgasm. What actually happened, in her case, was that she learned much in her first effort and after becoming relaxed and more confident, she was able to give herself fully to sexual arousal and thus succeeded.
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Some Christians might object to this form of experimentation. We recommend it for newlyweds, because they are building a lifetime relationship together in which lovemaking will play a permanent role for up to sixty years. The more they know about each other by personal experience, the more they will enjoy each other and more likely experience what we consider the ultimate in lovemaking: simultaneous orgasms most of the time. This form of “learning by doing” will increase the likelihood that they will learn the art early in marriage and go on to enjoy it for many years. Part of the therapy recommended by many experts for sexual dysfunction is this same experimentation. Couples married for years have been helped to a better understanding of each other and a better sexual relationship through this kind of learning process.

Dr. Miles suggests, “There are three steps in sexual adjustment that couples need to learn. They are as follows: first step—orgasms, second step—orgasms in intercourse, third step—orgasms together or close together in intercourse.”
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A couple should not be discouraged if they do not achieve the second or third step right away. It may take several weeks or longer before they can experience simultaneous orgasms on a regular basis. However, it should be a goal for which every couple strives.

Another area in which a couple will want to experiment is positions for most effective sexual arousal. One of the most convenient has the wife lying on her back with knees bent and feet pulled up to her hips and her husband lying on her right side. Dr. Miles explains what the Bible says about a married couple’s position for lovemaking.

This position of sexual arousal is described in the Bible in the Song of Solomon 2:6 and 8:3. These two verses are identical. They read as follows: “Let his left hand be under my head and his right hand embrace me.” The word “embrace” could be translated “fondle” or “stimulate.” Here in the Bible, in a book dealing with pure married love, a married woman expresses herself with longing that her husband put his left arm under her head and that he use his right hand to stimulate her clitoris.

This position of sexual arousal seems to have been the position used by many people back through the centuries. We do not hesitate to say that the general arousal procedure described here is a part of the plan of God as He created man and woman. Therefore, mankind has used this procedure because it is the plan of God and because it is efficient.
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Dr. Miles further gives some sound advice regarding the extent of intimacy between the husband and wife.

In interpersonal relationships in the community and society, modesty is a queen among virtues, but in the privacy of the marriage bedroom, behind locked doors, and in the presence of pure married love, there is no such thing as modesty. A couple should feel free to do whatever they both enjoy which moves them into a full expression of their mutual love and in a sexual experience.

At this point it is well to give a word of caution.
All sex experiences should be those which both husband and wife want.
Neither, at any time, should force the other to do anything that he does not want to do. Love does not force.
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One characteristic of the Holy Spirit is love, and a dominant trait of love is kindness. The intimacy of lovemaking should always be performed with kindness. At times vigorous activity is required, but it will always be expressed in kindness to the other person—a vital evidence that the act of marriage is in reality an act of love.

Clitoral Stimulation

The reluctance of many loving partners to incorporate clitoral stimulation as a necessary and meaningful part of their foreplay has probably cheated more women out of the exciting experience of orgasmic fulfillment than any other one thing. Because it has often been associated with self-stimulation, even some husbands are unaware of how essential a part of the lovemaking process it is.

To highlight the significance of the clitoris to the woman’s sexual enjoyment, many researchers have compared it with the penis. It has been called the “most keenly sexual part of a woman’s body” and is still regarded by many as “the seat of all sexual satisfaction.”
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R. M. Deutsch has stated that “stimulation of the clitoris alone will produce an orgasm in nearly all women…. direct clitoral stimulation alone [will] produce the climax.”
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He further indicates that “most researchers agree that the clitoris, unlike any male organ, has only one purpose—sexual stimulation.”
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Another researcher indicates that the clitoris has the same number of nerve endings as does the penis, but is only one-tenth the size. Therefore it is the culmination in feminine sexual capability. To disregard it is to guarantee feminine orgasmic malfunction or incapability.

From a practical standpoint it has no bearing on reproduction and is unnecessary for any other female function. Thus it is safe to conclude that God designed it to be used in lovemaking. It could well be that the thrilling response of the wife referred to in the Song of Songs 5:4 may allude to the husband’s use of clitoral manipulation. Such foreplay is not only acceptable behavior by married partners, but also was designed by God as one of the most delightful aspects of the act of marriage.

The Four Phases of Sexual Arousal

Modern research, particularly that of Masters and Johnson, acquaints us with four distinct phases of sexual arousal for both male and female: (1) the excitement phase, (2) the plateau phase, (3) the orgasmic phase, and (4) the resolution phase. Admittedly, reducing all human responses to a single chart does not allow for individual variation, and from that standpoint such a chart oversimplifies the matter, but it does provide a basic pattern on which to establish a norm. As noted in the following diagrams, only one characteristic response of men is indicated, whereas three are listed for women. The male response is more prone to be basic, whereas women tend to reflect more individual variation. In addition, because of the greater complexity of a woman’s orgasmic function, she may experience each of these responses throughout her married life as she is learning the art of love expression.