The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (17 page)

Thanks to the dissemination of scientific information based on detailed sexual research, most women are no longer willing to settle for a second-rate response when they can proceed to an ecstatic experience. We are forced to admit that some of the research methods would shock the modesty of many people, and Christians in particular would look askance at the moral decadence of hiring prostitutes or using electric manipulators equipped with electronic recording devices; but regardless of the methods, facts are facts. We accept the law of gravity not because it was discovered by a Christian, but because it is true. Today we know more about female sexual capability, function, and response than ever before. Some will use this data to flout God’s principles for observing the sacredness of the marriage act—at their own peril, of course—but a wise Christian couple will utilize these facts to understand better their own bodies’ function and consequently enrich their mutual enjoyment.

This chapter deals frankly with several intimate aspects of female sexuality that some may consider controversial. It is our hope that this information will prove helpful to those who either are sexually frustrated or regularly settle for a second-rate experience. If you are offended by intimate honesty, you may wish to skip these pages. However, putting one’s head in the sand has never helped anyone—not even the ostrich.

The Great Sex Swindle

Until around the turn of the century, millions of women each year were cheated out of the exciting sexual climax that most men enjoy regularly. If they weren’t cheated entirely, they settled for far less than they were created to enjoy. Rather than “revolt against the male establishment,” they suffered in silence. Each decade since then has produced research that increases our knowledge of this very intimate subject. When properly used, these facts contribute to the liberation of millions of married women. Unfortunately it has been a slow process.

Ronald M. Deutsch, in his excellent book
The Key to Feminine Response in Marriage
, cites several researchers in the field of female sexual satisfaction. Of the Kinsey report he writes,

By drawing some general averages, it appears that by the end of the first year of marriage, perhaps a little more than a third of women have rather dependable orgasm. By the tenth year of marriage, this percentage increases to no more than perhaps 40 percent.

In more recent studies, Dr. Paul Wallin and Dr. Alexander Clark concluded that probably no more than 15 percent of American women depend upon a fully satisfying sex life. And they find that a large minority of women still never have orgasm.

Apparently, most American women suffer from some degree of sexual failure. In 1950, Kroger and Freed estimated, in the
American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology:
“Gynecologists and psychiatrists especially are aware that perhaps 75 percent of all women derive little or no pleasure from the sexual act….”

Wallin and Clark… gave questionnaires to four hundred and seventeen women, most of whom had been married between seventeen and nineteen years. Nearly all had children and seemingly normal lives. Wallin and Clark wanted to know if these women, though they might not have dependable orgasm, nevertheless experienced other normal responses to lovemaking.

Of those women who said they
never
had orgasm, or did so only rarely, fully
half
reported enjoying sex relations either “much” or “very much.”

Of the women who said they had “some” orgasms, fully two-thirds reported “much” or “very much” enjoyment.
²

Years of counseling predominantly Christian couples have convinced me that Christian men and women experience a higher degree of orgasmic enjoyment than non-Christians. This was confirmed by Dr. Herbert J. Miles, a counselor for over twenty years who made a detailed survey of 151 Christian couples. It being a highly controlled study, since the subjects (1) were young married couples, (2) had spent one to four years in a Christian college, and (3) had been given thorough premarital counseling by Dr. Miles, the report that 96.1 percent of the wives experienced a “definite orgasm”
³
does show a remarkable improvement over the secular norm.

Our own survey, taken by more than seventeen hundred couples who had attended our Family Life Seminars and registered a willingness to take the test, produced results almost as favorable. It should be kept in mind, however, that our survey was of a much wider age spread, covered various stages of Christian maturity, and concerned people who had undergone little or no premarital counseling. Even so, 89 percent of the women registered orgasmic experiences.

It is safe to say that, except for Christians, the majority of women do not regularly enjoy orgasm in the act of marriage. In fact, many don’t even know what it is.

Consequently, every woman can expect to experience the ecstasy of that event, not just once or occasionally but almost all of the time. The first orgasm is the most significant, for it prepares a woman for success. Once it is achieved, she anticipates another and eventually her mental attitude is changed from negative to positive, which is half the battle.

What Is an Orgasm?

Most of the current sex manuals have been written by men. Consequently they are less than accurate when it comes to describing the female orgasm. Dr. Marie Robinson is a psychiatrist, medical doctor, and married woman whose counseling practice is predominantly with women. She has described the female orgasm as follows:

Orgasm is the physiological response which brings sexual intercourse to its natural and beautiful termination…. In the moment just preceding orgasm, muscular tension suddenly rises to the point where, if the sexual instinct were not in operation, it would become physically unendurable. The pelvic motions of the man and the movement of the penis back and forth within the vagina increase in speed and in intensity of thrust. The woman’s pelvic movements also increase, and her whole body attempts with every move to heighten the exquisite sensations she is experiencing within her vagina. According to many women with whom I have discussed this experience, the greatest pleasure is caused by the sensation of fullness within the vagina and the pressure and friction upon its posterior surface.

At the moment of greatest muscular tension all sensations seem to take one further rise upward. The woman tenses beyond the point where, it seems, it would be possible to maintain such tension for a moment longer. And indeed it is not possible, and now her whole body suddenly plunges into a series of muscular spasms. These spasms take place within the vagina itself, shaking the body with waves of pleasure. They are felt simultaneously throughout the body: in the torso, face, arms, and legs—down to the very soles of the feet.

These spasms, which shake the entire body and converge upon the vagina, represent and define true orgasm. At this moment the woman’s head is thrown back and her pelvis tips upward in an attempt to obtain as much penetration from the penis as is possible. The spasms continue for several seconds in most women, though the time varies with every individual, and in some women they may continue though with decreasing intensity, for a minute or even more.

Many women can repeat this performance two or three times before their partner has his orgasm. The pathway, neurologically and psychologically, has been set for orgasm and, if her partner continues she can respond. I have had women report that the last orgasm is sometimes more intense and satisfying than the first.

If a woman is satisfied by her orgasmic experience she will discharge the neurological and muscular tension developed in the sexual buildup. When satisfaction has been achieved, her strenuous movements cease and within a short period blood pressure, pulse, glandular secretion, muscular tension, and all the other gross physical changes which characterize sexual excitement return to normal, or even to subnormal, limits.

There have been detailed studies made of the physical reactions of both men and women during intercourse. I think it is important to realize that in almost every detail, including orgasm, these reactions and the subjective experience of pleasure parallel each other in the sexes. The major differences are that the woman is slightly slower to respond at the outset than the man, and the orgasm of the man is characterized by the ejaculation of sperm into the vagina.

Full sexual satisfaction is followed by a state of utter calm. The body feels absolutely quiescent. Psychologically the person feels completely satisfied, at peace with the world and all things in it. The woman in particular feels extremely loving toward the partner who has given her so much joy, such a transport of ecstasy. Often she wishes to hold him close for a while, to linger tenderly in the now subdued glow of their passion.

As you can see from this description, orgasm is a tremendous experience. There is no physiological or psychological experience that parallels its sweeping intensity or its excruciating pleasure. It is unique.
⁴

Note Dr. Robinson’s expression “excruciating pleasure” —an apt description to say the least. And coming from a married woman doctor, we have every right to believe she knows what she is talking about. We already pointed out in previous chapters that the most exciting experience for both a man and a woman is simultaneous or nearly simultaneous orgasms, for which they need each other. When properly consummated, we could say simultaneous orgasms provide a loving couple excruciating pleasure. We are so convinced that such is possible for all couples that we encourage them to lovingly work toward that ideal. Open communication of how they really feel is very important, particularly what they do find most pleasurable and what is a turnoff.

Lack of Desire for Sex Versus Orgasmic Impairment

Many women have erroneously come to Diane’s conclusion that she was “frigid” —that is, she lacked the desire for sex. However, that just was not true. Diane had never learned the art of orgasmic expression. She and her husband probably had been married fifteen years when she told me, “Although I enjoy loving, I really don’t get much out of it except for the closeness I enjoy with my husband.”

Much current literature unfortunately brands any woman who has difficulty reaching orgasm as being averse to sex, but that is a fraud. Dr. Robinson has provided a good definition of what was popularly known as frigidity.

Sexual frigidity is the inability to enjoy physical love to the limits of its potentiality. The frigid woman is, to a greater or lesser degree, blocked in her sensual capacities. Generally she cannot experience orgasm. If she has one at all, it is weak and unsatisfying. Many frigid women, however, not only do not have any orgasm, but may also lack the capacity to feel even the beginnings of sexual excitement. To some the sexual act is painful.
⁵

We may thus briefly define frigidity as a lack of desire to initiate or enjoy the sex act.

Dr. David Reuben, author of three best-selling books on sexuality, is reluctant to label it
frigidity,
so he has conceived the term
orgasmic impairment
.

Many of the women who have been solemnly diagnosed as frigid are simply understimulated sexually. Under the old rules, once a man delivered an erect penis into the vagina, the responsibility for reaching her orgasm shifted to the woman. It just isn’t that way. No woman deserves to be labeled sexually frigid unless her sexual partner provides her with at least enough mechanical stimulation to trigger the orgasmic reflex.

For the average couple, [the needed stimulation] is about eight minutes of actual intercourse or seventy-five to eighty pelvic thrusts. This assumes, of course, a reasonable amount of foreplay—enough to start vaginal lubrication—and an emotional atmosphere of mutual affection. Under these circumstances the average woman should be able to reach orgasm a good part of the time.

What if she can’t? Then she may be suffering from some degree of orgasmic impairment (a more descriptive term than
frigidity
) based on an underlying emotional conflict. But if her partner furnishes her with a rapid entry, a few halfhearted thrusts, a quick spurt of sperm, and a mumbled apology, it is more likely his problem than hers. Tragically, the man who cannot delay his orgasm and thus prolong his erection long enough to satisfy his partner expends a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to convince her that
she
is to blame. Even if she is convinced, that doesn’t really solve his dilemma—he still has the problem of premature ejaculation. It would seem much more sensible for him to undertake the cure of his own disease rather than invent a new one—delayed female orgasm—to prove he’s normal.
⁶

Reuben concludes, “To the millions of women in America who don’t have regular orgasms, orgasmic impairment is a personal disaster.”
⁷

There was a day when a “frigid” woman was doomed to spend the rest of her life in the despair of sexual frustration or, what is worse, in emotional self-defense. She became cold and indifferent to expressions of affection from her husband, for whether she admitted it or not, being a sexually unfulfilled wife was emotionally traumatic. Thankfully, that day is over. Modern research has made it abundantly clear that all married women are capable of orgasmic ecstasy. No Christian woman should settle for less.