The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (20 page)

By my watch, I could see I had less than thirty minutes to catch the last plane out of their little city and return to San Diego for services the next day. So I got right to the point by saying, “Describe the relationship between you and your father.” Her lovely features immediately changed as she angrily berated him as a miserable excuse for a human being. “He is the biggest hypocrite I have ever seen. He is an official in this church, yet he has molested both of my younger sisters and has tried to be fresh with me.”

Although suspicious by her reaction that she wasn’t telling me everything about her father’s relation with her, to save time I asked, “Do you
really
want to freely love your husband?”

“Certainly,” was her reply.

“Then you had better forgive your father. Get on your knees and confess your sins of resentment and bitterness, for you cannot indulge in bitterness toward one person without it spilling over and spoiling your relationship with those you love.”

“But he doesn’t deserve that forgiveness,” she replied emphatically.

“No, but your husband does!” I tried to assure her. “You are not responsible for your father’s behavior, but you are responsible for your reaction to it. God holds you accountable to forgive others their trespasses and sins, and what He commands us to do, He will always enable us to do.”

She started to cry, and in a matter of moments she dropped to her knees, confessing her sin.

I got to the airport just in time. As the plane took off, I prayed that God would help this young couple, but soon I forgot about them. One year later at a second Family Life Seminar in the same city, a young couple came to me after the first session. “Do you remember me?” asked the wife. She had to prompt my memory by recounting our discussion of her father at the previous seminar. She then added with a beautiful smile, “God has forgiven me, and this has been the greatest year of our marriage! I want you to meet my husband.”

As he shook my hand, I feared that this big, silent-type man would crush it as he exclaimed emotionally, “Thanks, preacher. My wife’s a different woman!”

Hostility Devastates

Revenge, bitterness, resentment, and other forms of hostility are not only devastating to one’s spiritual life, but sexually demotivating. That is true whether the object of one’s wrath is many miles from one’s bedroom or lying in the same bed.

A minister’s wife of twenty-two years came in to explain that she was “having an affair” (the Bible labels it
adultery
) with the choir director. What would cause a mother of three, a virgin when married and never unfaithful before, to violate her Christian principles with a three-times-divorced “Don Juan” who has pursued affairs with two choir members? The same thing that had impaired her orgasmic capability during the past two years—deep-rooted hatred of her husband, who had always been a stern disciplinarian. She complained, “His awful beatings of our children made me ill. Two years ago our nineteen-year-old son left home to join a commune because he couldn’t do anything to please his father.”

When she finally stopped looking at her husband’s sins, she could face her own scarlet sin. Then she repented and asked God to restore her love for her husband, which He did. The husband also repented, and today they enjoy an excellent relationship and love life because God removed the root of bitterness that had built up a wall between them. The Bible says, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Eph. 4:31–32).

Guilt Consciousness

3.
Guilt
. Modern psychology notwithstanding, every human being begins life with an intuitive guilt consciousness. The Bible explains that all people possess a conscience, “now accusing, now even defending them” (Rom. 2:15). Today’s free-love advocates try to explain away the conscience or educate it into oblivion during the teens and twenties, but I find that after marriage and the birth of children, the once-dead conscience often comes to life and haunts the individual. Particularly is that true of women. A twinge of guilt over sexual misconduct performed once or many times can later serve as a mental block to sexual enjoyment.

Guilt is a common cause of orgasmic malfunction, as verified by the fact that every book we have read on this subject refers to it. Whether related to an attempted rape for which the unwilling victim feels guilty, or an ill-advised adulterous liaison experienced prior to marriage, or promiscuity before or after marriage, guilt is a cruel taskmaster that must be confronted spiritually. As a pastoral counselor, I have been privileged to lead many women to the forgiving grace of God, either through accepting Christ as their Savior (as explained in chapter 14) or applying the cleansing principle of 1 John 1:9. Getting things straightened out with God has so relieved their guilty consciences that orgasmic malfunction ceases.

One young couple serves as an illustration. Both Brenda and Mitch lacked a strong spiritual background when they first visited our church, and their marriage was on the verge of collapsing. After they received Christ, I counseled them only once about their marital problems. One year later Mitch said rather hesitantly, “Pastor, I never dreamed when I accepted Christ that He would invade our sex life, but we had never been able to make my wife’s bells ring until after we were converted. Now she has a climax most of the time.”

Those who have never experienced salvation through faith in Jesus Christ will probably find that difficult to accept, but I have seen it happen so many times that now I almost expect it. The reason is simple. When a person’s sins are forgiven, his conscience is freed, thus removing a common cause of orgasmic malfunction.

The Greatest Demotivator

4.
Fear
. Fear is the greatest demotivator and emotional crippler of all time. If indulged in long enough, it can destroy one’s health, one’s spiritual relationship to God, and, of course, one’s love life.

Almost every virtuous bride understandably goes to her wedding bed with a good deal of trepidation. Admittedly, she approaches it with excitement and anticipation too, but probably fear, more than anything else, keeps a woman from experiencing an orgasm on her wedding night.

As we have noted, when a bride experiences pain on first entrance, she may continue to associate pain with lovemaking. Consequently, this restricts the natural flow of her vaginal lubricant and makes lovemaking difficult. The more she fears pain, the more she will experience it. For that reason she should keep a good vaginal lubricating jelly near her bed for ready use until she so learns to relax in lovemaking that her natural lubrication takes over. Especially during the first few months of marriage, the frequency of intercourse demands use of a lubricating jelly almost every time in order to prevent bruising at the opening of the vagina.

Remember that anything we do the first time is usually faced with fear. Do you recall your first driving lesson? Your hands clutched the steering wheel until your knuckles turned white and your palms were moist—that’s fear. Now, as an experienced driver, you perform the same maneuvers almost subconsciously; you have learned to relax while driving a car. Clearly, you need to learn the same relaxation in lovemaking.

Concentrate on Joy

Even the fear of another orgasmic malfunction can make it more difficult to experience an orgasm. One very fearful wife came to see us because of orgasmic malfunction. In the midst of lovemaking she would convince herself, “I won’t make it this time either.” From that moment on, her emotional battery would run down instead of up, and she would be left unfulfilled. After several counseling sessions, I suggested a thought pattern that solved her problem. We had established that she loved her husband, and even though she did not experience a climax in the act of marriage, she enjoyed his closeness and tenderness that lovemaking afforded. So we proposed that she concentrate on this and the joy of giving him pleasure, totally forgetting about herself. We also recommended that she become even more aggressive, embracing him more tightly with her arms and legs and increasing the activity of her hips. Less than three weeks later she called very excitedly to report, “It happened!” Now it happens most of the time. Why? She has eliminated her fearful thinking pattern.

An orgasm, particularly for a woman, is an ultimate expression of love, but fear destroys love. The Bible says, “Perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18). When a woman gives herself lovingly and excitedly to her husband, she will be much less likely to let fear cheat her out of the ultimate feeling.

5.
Passivity
. Many women are much too passive in lovemaking. Their maidenly inhibitions and misconceptions compel them to lie on their backs and allow the vigorous young husbands to satisfy themselves. “Ultimately,” they persuade themselves, “it will happen.” Pregnancy yes, but orgasm no. Lovemaking is a contact sport that requires two active people. The more active a woman is, the more likely she will learn that positions and movements will bring the maximum stimulus to her clitoris and vagina, building her toward climax. Of the women interviewed who acknowledged enjoying orgasms most of the time, I have yet to discover one who is passive.

Men have a higher rate of orgasm largely because they are more active in lovemaking. Naturally they are going to repeat the activity or movements that bring them the greatest amount of excitement. If wives would do the same, they too would experience a higher ratio of fulfillment.

With reference to experiments by Masters and Johnson, Deutsch says,

Experts conclude that for virtually all women the initial phases of the orgasmic platform are an almost automatic response to effective emotional and physical stimulation. If the external stimulation, especially of the clitoris and other parts of the vulva, continues, orgasm is the almost universal result. But to continue the buildup of sexual tension after intercourse begins, authorities agree, is an ability which must be
learned
.

Moreover, this heightened tension during intercourse must be actively sought by the woman, not passively awaited. For most women, no amount of skill or technique on the part of the husband will suffice. The woman must not merely surrender to her husband, she must surrender to her own drive, a drive to seek stimulation emotionally and physically, to seek tension until tension becomes release.

Some women are enabled to attain orgasm simply by adopting this attitude. Many authorities believe this is in large part because the woman, in giving herself over to the pursuit of release, becomes more responsive to her own subtle physical sensations and learns to move her body so as to increase the sensations. For most women, however, a fuller understanding of how stimulation occurs in intercourse appears to be the key.
¹⁸

Consequently the wife must maintain an active role in lovemaking, for both her own and her husband’s good. No red-blooded husband will ever complain about a passionate, innovative wife who responds with excitement to his lovemaking. In fact, the only part of the act of marriage a man enjoys more than ejaculation is the satisfying feeling he gains from his wife’s amorous and affectionate efforts, confirming that she finds him sexually exciting.

6.
Lovemaking takes time
. A strong corollary exists between the time spent making love and the wife’s orgasmic accomplishment. Men who are “quick lovers” usually have unsatisfied wives. Anything worthwhile takes time, and love is no exception.

Back in the Dark Ages, when the misconception prevailed that a woman’s only sexual function was to bear children, intercourse took only from thirty seconds to three minutes. Today it is widely recognized that women have a tremendous capacity for sexual feeling and expression, but it is seldom realized quickly.

Speaking to a group of men, the head of the psychology department of a Christian college said, “There is no such thing as a frigid wife—only clumsy husbands.” I do not agree completely with his conclusion, but to a degree his point is well taken. Because men are quickly aroused and quickly satisfied, they tend to think that women should be capable of the same—but that is not true. Most researchers indicate that even under the most favorable conditions and when highly motivated, the average wife requires ten to fifteen minutes or more to reach orgasm. Of course there will be exceptions, but as a general rule, fulfilling lovemaking takes time. A wife should encourage her husband to take the necessary time; even if
he
doesn’t need it,
she
does.

Premature Ejaculation

In this connection we should consider premature ejaculation. About 20 percent of today’s husbands must cope with the problem of ejaculating too soon. This is most frustrating to a wife, because lovemaking is impossible without an erect penis, and after a man ejaculates, his penis gets too soft to maintain the necessary pressure on the vaginal walls and clitoris to see his wife through to her climax.

One disconsolate bride exclaimed, “On our first night of marriage, he got me all worked up and started to enter my vagina, but as soon as his penis touched me, he ejaculated.” He was embarrassed, of course, and his bride was frustrated. They tried again about an hour later, and he did somewhat better, but because of his inexperience he again came before she could reach satisfaction. Finally she admitted, “In the nine months of our marriage, we have made love over one hundred times, but I am still not a fulfilled woman.”

Part of his problem was fear. The more he feared premature ejaculation, the more likely it was to occur. A couple must recognize this as a major problem that will not disappear naturally. It must be trained away, and it is well worth the time spent in such a training process. Many a frustrated and unsympathetic wife has turned on her “quick” husband in ridicule or indifference, thus heightening his natural feelings of male inadequacy at the expense of a good relationship. An alert wife will understand that her husband is ashamed of this lack of self-control and will work with him in effecting a solution.