The Adventures of Nanny Piggins (2 page)

Nanny Piggins
and the Best Day Ever

Nanny Piggins was sitting at the breakfast table reading a rather thrilling romance novel. She encouraged all the children to read trashy literature at the dining table because it kept them quiet. And she had discovered that no matter what they might say to the contrary, adults like their children quiet, much more than they like them to have pure minds. She was just getting to a good bit (This is the best thing about a thrilling romance – there is a good bit on every page, sometimes two good bits) when her daydream was interrupted by Mr Green coughing. Not the cough of someone with an illness. But the cough of someone who wants to speak but does not know how to start. So Nanny Piggins stuck a slice of toast in her book to mark the page and waited to hear what he had to say.

'Nanny Piggins, I believe the children are due to start back at school tomorrow,' said Mr Green.

Nanny Piggins knew absolutely nothing about this but she cunningly hid her ignorance with the guarded reply, 'Yes.'

'They'll be needing new uniforms and equipment, I suppose,' he went on.

Again Nanny Piggins found herself wildly out of her depth. Being a pig, she had never attended school herself. So she had no idea how you needed to equip yourself. She cleverly encouraged Mr Green to give more information by simply saying, 'I suppose.'

Mr Green had obviously given a lot of thought to the next speech because it came out very suddenly and precisely. 'Well, I'll give you $500 to sort it out. If you need any more, let me know.' And with that he took a white envelope out of his suit pocket and placed it on the table.

All the children's eyes were fixed on the envelope, as indeed were Nanny Piggins'. Th e conversation was becoming stranger and stranger. She did not want to reveal her ignorance but it was getting ridiculous. She needed to understand what was going on. 'What is this?' she asked politely, nodding towards the envelope.

'The money, of course,' said Mr Green, as he was getting up.

'Of course,' agreed Nanny Piggins, pretending to be knowledgeable. Nodding her head as though she found it perfectly natural that Mr Green should hide cash inside an envelope, as if it were too shameful to be seen by daylight.

'I will be home late tonight. I trust you will be all right with the children?' he said. Even though Mr Green paid Nanny Piggins to be his nanny, he still could not entirely convince himself that she was willing to spend long periods of time with his family. He was relieved to hear Nanny Piggins' willing 'Oh, yes.' It meant he could enjoy his dinner sitting at his desk, where it was quiet and peaceful and he could bill his time to a client as he ate.

Nanny Piggins and the children waited until they heard Mr Green close the front door behind him before they rushed into a huddle around the envelope. They all wanted to see the cash, so Nanny Piggins lovingly removed it from the envelope. The money was in the form of five crisp $100 notes. Nanny Piggins became quite misty-eyed, the notes were so beautiful to behold.

'What a lovely lot of money!' she exclaimed.

'Uniforms are ridiculously overpriced,' explained Derrick. 'They can charge what they like because they know you have to buy them.'

'You do?' asked Nanny Piggins. This was news to her. 'But what
are
these "uny-forums" exactly?'

'Didn't you ever have to wear one in the circus?' asked Samantha, feeling both surprised and envious.

'I've never even heard of them before,' Nanny Piggins assured her.

'They are horrible, uncomfortable clothes that you have to wear every day so that you match everybody else and nobody looks different,' explained Michael.

'Oh.' This was a concept Nanny Piggins understood. 'You mean like costumes?'

'Sort of,' agreed Samantha. 'Except they are always made in the dullest colours and the ugliest shapes, so that everyone looks as unattractive as possible.'

'But why? Wouldn't it be better to look fabulous?' asked Nanny Piggins. That was certainly the object of all the costumes she had ever worn.

'Oh no,' explained Michael. 'People like children to look awful. Because it makes them pleased that they're not children anymore'.

'It seems terribly cruel,' Nanny Piggins muttered. Humans baffled her. They always talked about how they just wanted their children to be happy. Th en they seemed to devise endless systems and schedules to ensure that they were not. 'And you have to wear these "uny-things" to school?' Nanny Piggins asked. She was trying to get all this new information as straight in her head as possible.

'That's right,' said Derrick.

Nanny Piggins could not hide the full extent of her ignorance any further. She had another question to ask. 'So, what exactly is school? Exactly.'

'What's school?!' exclaimed Derrick. 'Did you never have to go?'

He could not believe anybody as clearly knowledgeable about so many important things, such as how to make fake blood and what was the best type of stick for making a slingshot, could have had no formal education.

'No, you never
have
to do anything at the circus,' explained Nanny Piggins. 'That's the whole reason people run away there. To escape tyranny.'

'So you could just eat chocolate? Every meal of the day?!' asked Michael, hardly believing his ears.

'Of course,' said Nanny Piggins. 'Many do. Particularly bearded ladies.'

'Well, we
have
to go to school,' explained Sam antha.

'How often?' asked Nanny Piggins, imagining that it must be an institution used only for occasional punishment, only when children were caught being utterly wicked.

'We have to go every day,' Michael told her.

'What? How monstrously cruel. Every single day?!' she exclaimed.

'Well, from Monday to Friday,' Derrick admitted honestly.

'But still,' exclaimed Nanny Piggins. 'They force you to go! Even on sunny days when the weather is perfect for picnics?'

'Even then,' the children regretfully assured her.

'And even on rainy days when the weather is perfect for going to the cinema?' asked Nanny Piggins disbelievingly.

'Then too,' the children added sadly.

'That sounds so terribly undemocratic,' said Nanny Piggins. She was deeply shocked. 'I thought we fought wars against dictators to prevent these sorts of things? Isn't this exactly why the French cut the heads off all their kings and queens?'

The children's knowledge of history was even less precise than Nanny Piggins', but they were happy to agree with someone so sympathetic on this point. 'We thought so.'

'But who came up with such a mean-spirited idea?' asked Nanny Piggins. She was becoming increasingly horrified by the widely accepted brutality of universal education.

'The government,' Derrick informed her.

'Of course, I might have known,' said Nanny Piggins. 'All the greatest psychopaths and evil villains end up in politics. If the government is behind it I suppose there is nothing that can be done.'

'I'm afraid not,' agreed Derrick.

'They do seem to ruin everything,' added Samantha.

'But still,' said Nanny Piggins, thoughtfully eyeing the lovely cash on the table, 'I find it hard to believe that it will cost a whole $500 to buy three uniforms.'

'We need equipment too,' Samantha reminded her. Samantha wanted a share in $500 pocket money as much as any sane girl. But she was also tremendously afraid of teachers, especially new teachers, and especially afraid of what a new teacher might say to a girl who had no pens or paper to write with.

'What sort of equipment?' asked Nanny Piggins absentmindedly. Her brain was already turning over much more interesting possibilities for their newfound windfall.

'We need pens and exercise books,' explained Samantha.

'And I need a geometry set,' added Derrick. In truth, he had no idea whether he would be studying geometry or not. But he was sure that if Barry Nichols was in his class he would like a compass. For self-defence as well as drawing circles.

'Yes, yes, we can get that later. But I'm sure the bulk of this can be invested in something more worthwhile,' said Nanny Piggins.

* * *

Happily, as it turned out, Nanny Piggins' idea of a good investment was to buy four tickets to an amusement park. The children had the most wonderful day. They went on all sorts of terrifying rides. On some they were flung high into the air until they were convinced they were going to die. And on others they were spun around and around until they were utterly sick.

In fact, Michael
was
sick. Fortunately the ride was going at full speed at the time and the vomit flew cleanly out of his mouth and onto the face of the person behind him. So Nanny Piggins did not have to trouble herself with cleaning up his clothes.

And at lunchtime Nanny Piggins bought them lunch, right there in the park, even though the prices were ludicrously overblown. Nanny Piggins actually let them have hot dogs and hamburgers, and four cups of soft drink each. It was pure joy. Mr Green would have dropped dead of apoplexy if he ever found out they did not take their own sandwiches.

It was a wonderful day. But, regrettably, this won derfulness had come at a price. By mid-afternoon the $500 had been reduced to $89. Samantha had enjoyed the fun park every bit as much as the boys but, seeing the modest collections of notes and coins now stored in the dignity of the envelope, she was feeling the first symptoms of panic.

'I don't see how we can buy three uniforms for $89,' she worried. 'Let alone equipment.'

Nanny Piggins was busy savouring her third helping of fairy floss and she was not going to let such practical concerns ruin her sugary bliss. 'I'm sure we will think of something,' she told Samantha optimistically. Then, remembering that she was the nanny and if she wanted to keep her job, she had better put some effort into it, she decided to get a sense of the enormity of the problem before her. 'So what exactly does a uniform consist of?' she asked.

The apparently complete level of their Nanny's ignorance was beginning to scare Samantha more and more. 'Well, the boys must wear grey trousers and shirts.'

This caught Nanny Piggins' attention. She sat bolt upright immediately. 'But grey isn't Derrick's colour at all!' argued Nanny Piggins, bewildered that neither the government nor the school had sense enough to realise this.

'That doesn't matter. All the boys have to wear the same,' Michael explained.

'How brutal,' Nanny Piggins shuddered. 'I'm almost afraid to ask what the girls are forced to wear.'

'We have to wear a dark green tartan dress,' said Samantha.

'Tartan? What? You mean, you have to dress up as if you were Scottish?' Nanny Piggins asked dis believingly.

'Well, yes,' admitted Samantha.

'How very strange you humans are,' said Nanny Piggins. 'Nevertheless,' she added bracingly, 'I suppose we have to go along with it to keep your father happy.'

'And the government from coming to get us,' added Derrick.

'That too,' agreed Nanny Piggins. 'The less we upset the government, the better.' She knew this from personal experience but that is another story that will take up at least another whole chapter on its own, so we will not get sidetracked by it now. 'Let's go to the shops. I'm sure I can easily put together some grey clothes and a Scottish dress and still have money left over for chocolate.'

'You are?' Samantha was relieved to hear this.

'Oh yes, they might not have forced me to go to school. But they did teach me a thing or two at the circus.'

* * *

At the shop Nanny Piggins' eye was immediately drawn to a display of huge bars of milk chocolate. The bars were exactly like regular bars of chocolate except that they were enormous. This was an extremely attractive characteristic as far as Nanny Piggins was concerned. She and the children stood and looked at them for some time, occasionally picking them up to gauge just how heavy they were. Nanny Piggins saw that such large portions of chocolate had great potential. Like the amusement-park tickets, she felt these would make excellent investments. After all, she was supposed to be making lasagna for dinner. If the children had half a kilo of chocolate each beforehand, there was a good chance they would not want any dinner at all. Which would mean she could watch television instead of cooking. 'I think we should buy these,' she told the children.

'But what about our uniforms?' Derrick said. He too was beginning to have visions of angry teachers the next day. 'The chocolate bars cost $12 each.'

'But they are on sale, reduced from $15. It would be a false economy not to buy them,' Nanny Piggins argued.

'But then you would only have $31 to buy three uniforms,' said Samantha, as she quickly did sums in her head.

'And equipment,' Michael reminded her.

'Pish,' said Nanny Piggins. 'I'm the nanny. I make the decisions.' She was pulling rank because she could smell the chocolate through the wrapping. 'That's more than enough to make grey clothes and an ugly dress.' And so she lifted four of the great big bars into her trolley. 'Now, let's get the equipment.'

After a geometry set, three biros and a twelve-pack of exercise books had been thrown into the trolley, there was only $19 left of their budget.

'What are we going to do now?' wailed Samantha. 'We won't have anything to wear to school on Monday. It's just like in my nightmare. I'll have to wear my pyjamas to class.' Poor Samantha actually started crying.

'Just let me think,' Nanny Piggins muttered as she thoughtfully rubbed her snout. The children fell silent, genuinely hoping that her nose would hold a magical solution to their dilemma.

Seconds and then minutes stretched by, and Nanny Piggins still rubbed her snout. Just when Samantha was about to give up hope and curl up in a ball on the floor, Nanny Piggins suddenly shouted, 'I've got it!'

'What?' asked Michael.

'Fetch me some grey dye and the ugliest dress in the store,' ordered Nanny Piggins. The children had no idea what she had in mind, but they dutifully leapt into action. Derrick went to fetch the dye, while Michael and Samantha scurried offto look at women's clothes.