THE AFFAIR (26 page)

The door had almost closed behind us when Erica whipped it open and looked at me, curiosity getting the better of her. “Mother, will you be back in time to make dinner?” she asked.

“No, I don’t think so. I’ll treat the kids to dinner out. Why don’t you make dinner for your father and yourself?”

The look on her face was so amusing that I leaned over and kissed her, the shock on her face making me regret not having done it sooner.

My eyes connected with Larry as my lips caressed Erica’s cheeks. He looked so frightened and alone that I started to tell him to join me. In fact, I opened my mouth to do just that, surprised at the words that came out instead of what I’d intended.

“Erica, while I’m gone this will give you more than enough time to return my home to the condition you found it when you came last night.”

I ushered Mindy and Lars into Larry’s car and the car seats he had already put in. Once they were safely buckled in, we waved goodbye to Erica and Larry. They both wore puzzled expression and their looks amused me.

I watched the kids playing at the park, running until they were dead on their feet, screaming in joy until they could scream no more. I wanted to kick myself for not having thought of it sooner. They would be much too tired when I returned them home to create any further damage.

The plan worked much better than I would have thought possible. Both kids were so excited about being out, they behaved like perfect angels when we went to eat. I didn’t push my luck by taking them to an adult establishment. McDonald’s was the voted choice. Their bellies filled, we started home with promises from me that if they were good we would do this again.

Why not? Nothing else had worked. Bribes were my last options. Besides, they would not be here forever, and I didn’t have time to modify their behavior. I could only work on the way I reacted to them.

I went to see Blaine twice in the next week. Once we had lunch. I found him an extremely engaging young man. I allowed myself to care for him. His easy manner and quick smile were contagious.

The only thing that was stopping this time from being truly happy was Erica. She never stopped looking at me when I was home. She never said anything, but for some reason her suspicious looks caused me to have suspicions of my own. I had had the distinct impression that I’d been followed but had shrugged it off. Erica’s manner made me wonder.

I continued to take the kids out to play a couple of hours a day when I returned home. And miracle of miracles, my home stayed cleaner.

One night after a visit with Blaine, I was feeling extremely peaceful and thought again that with talking perhaps Larry and I could cross the great divide that existed between us.

I showered in the small hall shower, missing the comfort of my huge shower in my bedroom, missing my Jacuzzi tub and missing my comfortable bed. Part of me was missing my husband.

On this particular night, I climbed the stairs to my bedroom instead of going into my newly commandeered room. I walked inside the door and closed it.

Larry stared up at me, his face curious. He watched me as I made my way from the door to the bed. I ran my hand across the thick mattress, missing it even more now that I was not lying on it.

“Hi,” I said to Larry. “Mind if we talk?”

He put the book he was reading down on the nightstand. “What is it you want to talk about?”

I was wishing the strange way he was looking at me would change with my words, but I wasn’t holding out much hope. I saw the hunger come into his eyes. I knew he wanted me. It had been months since we’d made love. He couldn’t hide the fact that he was horny. I saw the covers rise ever so slightly. Denying it would have been futile.

“Larry, I was thinking, maybe we should try marriage counseling.” I moved closer to him and allowed my hand to accidentally touch the bulge under the cover. I felt him shiver before he moved away from me.

He looked away toward the door. “Is that the reason you’ve finally come to our room?” He looked back at me, at the nightgown I wore and I could see him struggling with his lust and his desire to see me give in.

I recognized it in the slant of his jaw as he tilted his head back and gave me the look that said,
So you give in, you’re tired of fighting.

Funny thing, if he’d said that to me I would have readily said yes. I was tired of fighting. I wasn’t ready to give in, but I was ready to compromise.

“Tell me something, Mick. What have you been doing this week?”

He was looking at me as though he knew something and he was only waiting for me to admit it. I thought about the two times in the past week I’d seen Blaine. Surely Larry had no way of knowing about that.

“I’ve been working as usual. What does that have to do with our seeking some help with our problems?”

“Mick, I don’t think it’s
us
with the problem. I think it’s you. You’ve changed. I used to know without a shadow of a doubt that I could trust you with my life. Now it seems as if I can’t even trust you to keep your word.”

Larry’s eyes fell on my lips and I knew he was using tremendous will power not to kiss me. For some reason he wanted to be angry with me.

“What else did you do this week, Mick? Please give me enough respect not to lie to me again. Tell me the truth.”

I knew then that somehow he was aware I’d seen Blaine, but how? “Larry, I haven’t lied to you. I never promised you that I wouldn’t see Blaine.”

“I told you not to, I told you to forget this nonsense.”

“You’re my husband, Larry. That doesn’t give you the right to tell me what to do, and whom I can and can not see.

“Have you been following me around, Larry, waiting for me to sneak away to see Chance?” I wondered if that was what he was doing, because surely it couldn’t be Blaine that he was worrying about.

“This is the first time you’ve been in our bedroom in over three months, other than to clean. That sure as hell doesn’t feel like you love me. It’s been months since we’ve made love. Most of the time, you won’t even come close enough for me to touch you.”

His fingers were trembling as he ran them more easily down my arm. His breathing was becoming heavy and I knew that in a matter of seconds the conversation would take an entirely different turn. I didn’t move away from him, but I made my voice as firm as I could. I was a bit trembly myself.

“The fact that you’re asking me that is the reason I’m not back in our room. I’ve been trying to tell you. I’m not happy.” I pulled in a deep breath before continuing. I wanted to do this right. I didn’t want to hurt my husband or make him angry. I just wanted him to listen to me.

“Honey, please listen to me,” I pleaded. “I’m sick and tired of giving in just so we don’t have any fights. I’m tired of taking a backseat in your life to our children. If you think I’m attempting to do this to punish you…”

His lips captured mine. His kiss was rough and demanding as he shoved his tongue into my mouth. He pushed me back into the pillows, crushing me beneath his body, his hand searching beneath my gown.

Tearing my lips from his I whispered. “Honey, stop, we need to talk. This isn’t going to solve anything.”

He was beyond hearing me. His breathing was raspy, and his hands were moving rapidly up and down my body. He pulled away for a moment to pull down his pajamas.

I thought of giving him what he wanted. It had been so long that I knew it would be over in a matter of minutes. All I had to do was lie there, give in, and then maybe he’d be more willing to listen, willing to go to a marriage counselor.

I felt Larry’s hand reaching between my legs to guide himself into my body. He didn’t care that this wasn’t what I wanted. It was what he wanted, what he intended to have.

Just as he moved his hand to begin his descent, I rolled away. “No, Larry! Not until we talk.”

My husband froze. He was holding his penis in his hand ready to enter my body and I wasn’t there. He made a strangled sound and his hand fell away from his body. The confusion he felt was reflected on his face and in his eyes.

“Why are you even here, Mick?” He rolled away from me, pulling his pajamas back up.

“I want to talk. Do you want to save our marriage? If you do, we need an unbiased third party. We need counseling.”

The anger was evident in his voice as well as the hurt when he answered me. “Who told you this, Blaine MaDia? If he’s such a hot shot psychic, he should have told you my answer.” Larry was out of the bed now, pacing back and forth.

“He hasn’t given me any readings. I haven’t asked him to. He’s just being my friend.”

Larry turned, his eyes glaring. “What about Viola? I thought that was the reason you wanted to see him. Weren’t you concerned about what you might have been doing right before you hit her? You said you wanted to know why you hadn’t seen her. Was that a lie, or are you screwing him too?”

The sound of the slap reverberated throughout our bedroom.

Larry’s hand went to the cheek that I’d hit. He was staring wide-eyed at me, surprised. So was I. The sound of the slap was still echoing in every nook of our bedroom.

“You hit me.” Larry sounded dazed. “I can’t believe you hit me for some guy you’re screwing.”

I threw my hands up into the air. “Everything comes down to sex with you, doesn’t it? Why am I even trying?”

I didn’t know if I was asking Larry or myself. I stood in front of my angry husband, bracing myself for the worst, remembering my parents and how their fights always escalated to the point of violence.

Our fights never had, because I had never allowed us to fight. Now, in the middle of our fight, I thought about my mother. Maybe she hadn’t been so weak after all. In the end she’d had the guts to end it and get a divorce.

“Larry, you’ve never listened to me. In the two years we were dating and the twenty-six years we’ve been married, you’ve never listened. Anytime I tried to tell you there was a problem, you thought kissing me and telling me everything was fine would make it so.

“It won’t work anymore. Your kisses won’t stop me from hurting, they won’t make the problems go away and your telling me that I’m happy doesn’t make it so. I’m tired of promising you things I can’t deliver. I can’t give you a perfect life.”

“Before him…before Blaine, it was perfect.”

He couldn’t say Chance’s name. He could barely make himself say Blaine’s. “Maybe for you, Larry. Never for me.”

We stood staring at each other. For an instant I almost laughed. All those years I’d walked on eggshells. Now look at me. All the damn eggs were broken and we were still standing. We hadn’t struck out at each other in anger. Well, I had slapped Larry, but he’d deserved it.

But other than that, our fights, and this was the worst one we’d ever had, didn’t involve blood or trips to the emergency room.

We were not my parents. I looked around our bedroom. It was still intact. We had fought, no broken bones, no broken furniture. In the midst of all this I felt a tremendous relief.

“Baby, we’re not our parents. Let’s stop being afraid. Let’s begin again. Let’s do it right, the way we should have years ago.”

Tears were running down my cheeks. “We’re fighting, but it doesn’t mean we don’t still love each other. It just means we’re human. I don’t have to be afraid anymore of what’s going to happen to us if we fight.”

Larry was staring at me, fear in his eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about us. All these years I’ve given in to you because I’ve been afraid of what would happen if I didn’t. I thought for sure we’d get divorced if we didn’t kill each other first.”

I started laughing then. I felt so good, so free. “Honey, let it go. It’s time you release your fears also. Believe me, it feels wonderful.” I sank down to the bed.