The After Girls (14 page)

She didn’t know what to think, what to ask, what to believe.

But then she turned her head, and on top of the dresser was Astrid’s journal, her pride and joy, her beloved, just begging to be read.

But she forgot it in an instant because, there, right next to it, flipped open like she’d just set it down, was Astrid’s phone.

Ella picked it up, her hands shaking. The screen was dark — blank. She pushed the power button, trying to turn it on. Nothing. It was dead, as it should be, without Astrid to use it.

Totally, irrefutably dead.

That was when she heard footsteps, noise. The banging of the phone falling onto the dresser. The opening of the door.

“What are you doing?” Grace screamed, rushing towards her. She’d never seen Grace like this. Never seen such anger. Never seen her eyes, her eyes so wild and manic and terrifying, absolutely terrifying.

Ella stepped back, shaking her head. “I’m sorry — ” she started.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“I was just — ”

“Get out,” Grace screamed. “Get out of here.”

And that’s when the tears came.

“Get out,” Grace screamed again, and Ella started running, without looking back. She couldn’t face Jake and Claire, so she ran out the front door, shutting it tight behind her.

But in an instant, Ella heard the door open again, footsteps following her down the drive. She was out of breath and she knew that her face was wet, covered in tears, and she almost wanted to turn, to face Grace. To scream right back. To tell her that she wasn’t doing anything wrong. That she’d just wanted to see her room.

That she just missed her friend.

“Wait.”

Jake.
Ella whipped around.

“What?” she asked, and her tears were streaming down now. He was pushing something in front of her, but her vision was blurred and fuzzy. Wet. It was red and round. Her bag. It was her bag.

And she stared at him through blurry eyes, because she realized that he was shoving her out, too. He was just like Grace.

“Thanks,” she said, the tears catching in her throat so she sounded wild, deranged. “I’ll get out of your life. I’m sorry.”

“No,” he said. “No. I didn’t mean … What happened? I heard yelling, and then I saw you running out, and — ”

“I’ll leave,” she said. “I’m going. Tell Grace thanks for dinner.”

But she decided not to take the road. Instead, she turned and ran across the grass and towards the woods. If she couldn’t find her friend here, maybe she could find her friend in there. Deep in those woods where she’d left them.

The rain was coming down now, and the sun was nearly set. It would be hard to see in the thick woods, so she pulled out the flashlight connected to her keys and clicked it on.

She stepped into the woods and onto the path that led to the cabin. The trees, the leaves, the twigs, and a cacophony of owls and insects, pushed at her from all sides. Her hair was wet.

Ella’s toe caught on a rock, and she fell, her knees sinking deep into the mud, but she didn’t care. She pulled herself up and kept going. Tall trees surrounded her, lush in the beginning of summer. She followed the muddy path, spattered with branches and rocks and crawling roots that formed a makeshift stairway. She stepped up carefully, slowly now. She didn’t want to fall again.

Finally, she pushed through the trees until she felt the familiar scratches on her arm and the tiny thorns and burrs on her ankles. Almost there.

In the dream, Astrid had asked her to help, but if she could have, she would. Wouldn’t she?

The door was shut, and the caution tape was gone.

Ella ignored the wind and rain and pulled the door open, stepping inside.

She didn’t know what she wanted, to look at the pictures, to read through the books, to sit here and cry?

But whatever she wanted, it wasn’t here. Ella shone her flashlight around the room and nothing but bare walls met her. She stepped forward and she felt something crumple beneath her. And then she looked down, and there on the ground, a million of Astrid’s faces staring up at her.

She screamed.

Max arrived just as the sun was setting.

Sydney had told him to come over after all. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea, but she’d at least chosen her house as the meeting point. That way nothing that shouldn’t happen could happen. At least not for a few hours.

She was busy painting her nails when he showed up on her porch. He was a backdoor kind of guy. He never rang the doorbell. Yet another reason why her mom, et. al., had never liked him that much.

“Hey,” he said, and he looked down at her fingers. “Black. I like.”

His hair was pulled back into a short ponytail. It was just a little greasy, messed up. He was one of those guys who could go days without showering and only get hotter.

“What’s up?” she asked.

“Nothing.” He sank down next to her so the porch swing rocked and rattled. He didn’t leave her any space — their arms were touching — but she didn’t move either.

“You want a smoke?” he asked, pulling out his pack of Parliaments.

“Gross,” she said, even though she knew that she might say otherwise if she were drunk. “And you can’t, either.”

“Oh, come on,” he said, looking back through the window and into the living room. He gave George a half-assed wave. “We’re outside.”

“Not until they go upstairs at least.”

“That won’t be for hours,” Max said, shoving the pack back into his pocket.

“Well, you’ll just have to settle for the pleasure of my company,” she said, shooting him a mock-smile.

“Fine.” He pulled his iPad out of his bag. Max always had the newest everything. It was his parents’ restitution for never really being around. He clicked onto YouTube and started looking for stupid videos.

They were so close that she could feel him breathe as he watched an SNL skit and she finished off her nails. When she was with him, she didn’t have to talk about Astrid — she didn’t really have to think about Astrid. Things were so easy and comfortable.

But she knew that it couldn’t work out. He wanted everything from her and nothing all at once. He’d want it all from some other girl once he got a few swigs of Jack in him.

Sydney looked over, and his eyes were glued to the screen, and she wondered what it was about her that wasn’t enough to keep him. She wondered what it was that he was looking for in everyone else.

She blew on her nails to help them dry.

They sat like that, rocking slowly, half-watching the videos, with few words between them. The sun fully set and the crickets began to hum, and for awhile, she almost felt some kind of twisted, messed-up peace …

Then she heard the thudding of footsteps, running footsteps, and in a second there was Ella, banging on the door of the screen porch, covered head-to-toe in mud. She looked like a nightmare.

Sydney got up and pushed the screen door open. “My God, what happened to you?”

Even Max managed to look up from his iPad: “Jesus, are you okay?”

In her state Ella didn’t even seem to care that Max was there. Her words came in gasps … “I’m sorry … I saw a light on … I ran here … she talked to me … she tried to call me …”

Sydney pulled her friend onto the porch. She looked back — luckily, her mom and George weren’t in the living room. They were probably putting Darcy to bed. “Come here,” she said, sitting Ella down on the swing. “Calm down,” she said. “Tell me what happened.”

“I can’t,” Ella said, getting hysterical again. “I can’t. I don’t know what happened.”

“Well, something had to have happened to make you lose it,” Max said, and Ella just burst into sobs.

“You know, you’re not helping,” Sydney said, turning to Max.

Max flipped his iPad shut and stood up. “Fine,” he said. “I can tell when I’m not wanted.” He expected her to stop him. To tell him he was wanted, and that what he’d said was no big deal, to coddle him, to plead with him to stay. But she didn’t have time for that right now.

“Good,” she said. “Just go.”

He looked at her like she’d totally lost it. But when she didn’t say anything else, he finally got up and stomped off, slamming the screen door behind him. He was such a dick. Such a self-involved cocky heartless dick. Sydney waited until she couldn’t hear his footsteps anymore to speak.

She sat down next to Ella and put a hand on her shoulder — one of the few areas not caked with mud. “I’m sorry,” she said. “He’s gone now. Now tell me what happened. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Her friend’s words came out like vomit, in heaving spurts. “I don’t know what’s going on,” she started. “Something bad is happening. None of it makes sense. She talked to me. And her mom screamed at me. And — and the cabin. The cabin, it’s destroyed. I don’t know what happened, but it’s destroyed.” Ella’s chest heaved up and down as she spoke.

“Whoa,” Sydney said, rubbing her friend’s shoulder. “You mean the photos in the cabin?”

Ella nodded, tears spilling down her cheeks.

Sydney put her hand on Ella’s cheek, turning her head to hers. “Ella,” she said, but Ella was still sobbing.
“Ella.”

“Yeah?” she said.

“That was
me
. I took the photos down.”

Ella narrowed her eyes. She looked at Sydney like she didn’t know her. Like she’d been betrayed.

“Don’t worry,” Sydney said again. “It was just me.”

Ella just shook her head. “But, but, but why?” she asked, her words still shaky, but a hint of anger in them now. “Why would you do that? It was our
place
.”

Sydney took a deep breath. This was certainly not how she’d wanted it to go down. She didn’t know why in God’s name Ella had gone there tonight anyway. She’d planned on getting the photos tomorrow, going over to Ella’s, dividing them up, putting them in a book, whatever. It was supposed to be
cathartic
. So much for that.

“I know,” Sydney said. “I know, but I just thought that after all that happened, it would be better for us to, you know, find a
different
place.”

“A different place?” Ella asked, sobs overtaking her again. “A different place? What’s wrong with you? How can you even say that?”

“Ella,” Sydney said. “She died there. How can you want to constantly go back?”

“I
know
she died there,” Ella snapped. “I was the one who found her. Remember?”

There was the punch of guilt again, right in her stomach. “I’m sorry,” Sydney said, throwing up her hands. “There’s nothing I can do to make that different,” she said, and her voice was shaking now, too. “Don’t you think I feel bad enough already?”

“Well you could try not destroying it,” Ella said. “They were all scattered across the floor like a hurricane had hit. I walked in there and it was so dark, and I had my flashlight, and she was there … all those pictures of her just staring up at me.”

“I’m sorry,” Sydney said. “I was going to get them tomorrow. It started raining halfway through and I didn’t want them to get ruined.”

“You had no right,” Ella said. “You had no right to do that without me.”

“I’m sorry,” Sydney said again. “I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.”

Ella just glared at her, but Sydney wrapped her in a hug, pulling her head underneath her chin. Ella let her, and they held each other like that for awhile, and it felt like Ella’s anger was waning. She had to understand. She had to see that Sydney was only trying to make it better — for both of them.

But then Sydney looked up, loosening her grasp on her friend. “Ella,” she said. “Why did you go there? After the dream I thought you wouldn’t want to go back.”

Ella’s breathing started to quicken again, but Sydney had her hand back on her shoulder in an instant. “It’s okay,” she said. “You can tell me.”

Ella took a deep breath. “I went to Grace’s for dinner,” she said.

“Whoa,” Sydney said. She hadn’t been in that house since Astrid died. She didn’t want to. The idea of it gave her the creeps. Just like the photo-filled cabin.

“What was it like?” she asked. “Was it hard?”

Ella stared at her a moment before answering. “She screamed at me. She threw me out of the house.”

“Grace?”

Ella nodded.

“But why?”

Ella looked away, her body shaking again. “Because I went into her room.”

“A’s?”

Ella didn’t answer, she just cried harder.

“Oh God, El, I’m so sorry. That must have been awful.”

“And I just wanted to see her, you know, I just wanted to be somewhere where she was, and so I went into the cabin, and then — and then — ”

“I know,” Sydney said. “I can see why that would have freaked you out. I’m an idiot for — ”

But Ella looked up then, put her hand in front of Sydney’s mouth, and she shook her head fast and strong.

“What?” Sydney asked, almost a whisper. It was so quiet between them for a moment that she could hear an owl in the distance. “What?”

“There’s something else,” Ella said, struggling to get the words out between gasps for breath.

“El,” Sydney said. “You need to calm down.”

Ella nodded, and she really did look shaken. Terrified, almost. She was taking this whole cabin thing
way
too seriously. It was creepy, yeah, but at the end of the day it was just a bunch of photos.

Sydney sighed, maybe a little too loudly. “What is it, Ella?” she asked. “Just tell me. What is it?”

Ella hesitated, and Sydney tried to act at least somewhat patient as she waited for her to speak. “Can we go inside?” she asked finally. “I just — I feel like I should lie down.”

Sydney nodded. This was really getting theatrical, but she didn’t want her to faint
again
. Especially not on her watch.

“Alright,” she said. “Let’s go.”

They scrubbed the mud off Ella’s legs and arms, and then they went to Sydney’s room. Ella crawled onto the bed, stretching out over the covers.

“Are you feeling okay?” Sydney asked.

“No.” She didn’t even look at her — just stared at the ceiling fan.
Whir whir whir whir whir.

“Can I get you some water or something?”

Ella shook her head.

Sydney sat down on the bed, carefully. She felt like any wrong move would break her friend, send her into another crying fit. She didn’t want to hurt her anymore — she didn’t want to hurt anyone. She didn’t want anyone to hurt themselves.