The Atonement (18 page)

“But when we met, I felt…I
felt…different.”

“Mamma Shirley would call it hot and
bothered.”

“No!”

“C’mon, Miko. You’re human. Everyone has felt
lust…”

“It was not lust!”

“Okay, strong attraction, if it makes you
feel better. But you can’t let your flesh get the best of you,
especially when we know what the Word of God says.”

As much as Tamiko hated to admit, Riley had a
point. In the past year Davis had become a near obsession,
occupying more and more of her thoughts, and pushing God to the
sidelines. Maybe Davis wasn’t the only one who needed space.

“Okay, you’re right. I need to stop obsessing
about who I’m going to end up with and just live my life.”

“That’s right. When the right one comes
along, God will let you know.”

“I thought I already knew.”

“I know,” said Riley putting
a reassuring arm around her. “I was talkin’ to Mama Shirley about
this kinda stuff a while back, right after I had broke up with
Marcus and she told me when God let’s you know – you’ll know. Most
of the times we get mad and want to reason and resist, but we know
in our hearts that’s what God wants. He may have someone for you
right up under your nose, someone you haven’t considered at all. I
bet when David came in and stood before Samuel, he was probably
thinkin’ ‘Now I know you don’t mean this!’”
²

They both burst out laughing. Tamiko was
feeling a lot better – definitely a lot less anxious than she had
been feeling days before.

“Who knows where your future husband is. But
I will tell you one thing, he wasn’t at that party we had today.
With the exception of Jim and Allen, everything else there was the
clearance pile.”

“It was a celebration! Besides, the only guy
there that I like is Davis.”

“You may not like them all, but I think
there’s one that may like you.”

“If you’re talking about Daniel, I’m already
aware.”

“Girl, please. Daniel’s interest is nothin’
but politics. I’m talking about someone who’s romantically
interested.”

“And who would that be?”

“Mr. Snow Job.”

“Tim?”

Tamiko’s heart jumped unexpectedly.

“Uh- yeah. Did you not notice that he was
following you around the whole time.”

“He did not!”

“OK, maybe not the entire time, but for a
good piece. Then there was the way I caught him studying you while
we were watching the movie. You better watch out, girl.”

“You’re starting to sound like my mom.”

“You know I tend to go out of my way to
disagree with her on everything, but I have to give her props this
time.”

“I know you’re good at reading people, but
believe me your radar’s off on this one. Tim’s never really liked
me that way.”

“What? You mean the player, never ever even
tried to run any game on you?”

“Nope. I’m not really his type at all. All
the girls I’ve ever seen him date have looked like pop-star divas
or supermodels.”

“If he’s a real player it has nothing to do
with looks, so much as the challenge. He might just be trying to
see if he can bag you ‘cause you seem hard to get.”

“Tim’s saved now. He’s put that life behind
him.”

“You sure. Those kind of habits are hard to
break.”

Tamiko couldn’t help but think back about
what happened between Tim and Mya for a moment. She would never
forget the day that Tim just suddenly introduced her to their
group. He told her they had met one afternoon after he had been
dismissed from the Brotherhood Bible study. Mya had been attending
a doctrinal class and was waiting for her brother to pick her up.
She was definitely Tim’s type: a tall, voluptuous,
long-weave-wearing, barely-dressed, honey-colored sister. Tim had
assured everyone that they were taking things slowly and that he
wanted a real relationship. Despite his assurances, everyone had
their reservations – everyone except Tamiko.

Even though everyone else doubted Tim’s
resolve, Tamiko did not. She even talked to him privately about the
situation and the temptations present. Tim seemed so earnest and
sincere. Yet not even three weeks later, their relationship ended
followed by a melee between Tim and Mya’s brother outside the
church and a scandal that had not been heard of since Deacon
Jenkins was caught stealing money from the tithes collection.
Tamiko had never been more disappointed in her life. In fact,
heartbroken would have been a better word to describe what she
felt. She even found herself crying about it for a couple of days,
although she didn’t know why. Afterward, Tim did repent and seemed
sincerely penitent about his actions. To Tamiko, he seemed like a
helpless addict, driven by impulses that were beyond him. Only God
and prayer could help him overcome them. While she believed Tim
loved the Lord, she didn’t know if Tim truly knew how to submit so
the Lord could change him. Thinking about this in light of her
cousin’s suspicions, Tamiko knew she had to keep a certain amount
of emotional distance between herself and Tim – whether she liked
it or not.

“You’re right. But God is the one that does
the breaking. We have to have faith that He will. I can only pray
for Tim. Who knows, one day Tim just might make a great husband,
but I don’t think I could wait that long.”

“Yeah, infinity would be a long wait. I only
wish Allen were as cautious as you. He’s the one I’m really worried
about. I’m not feeling him with that Callie girl. I remember her
from when I visited in the summer of ’03. I’ll never forget when
she called me ‘country’. Haven’t liked her since then.”

“Don’t waste your time with Al,” said Tamiko
as she settled down in the airbed. “He won’t listen. Everybody’s
talked to him about Callie. Even Granny Eloise!”

“You mean to tell me Auntie Lena’s mom called
all the way from Jamaica!”

“Yep. So you know this is serious.”

“It is, especially after what I noticed
today,” said Riley as she retired to the full sized bed.

“What did you notice?”

“I’ll tell you once I have it all sorted out.
But believe me that Callie is sittin’ on top of a whole lotta
mess.”

Eighteen

Davis sat on his couch, staring at the cell
phone he’d laid on his living room table. He was wondering if he
had enough nerve to go through with what he knew he had to do. “God
please give me the strength to do this,” he prayed. He had gotten
Evie’s new number from an old acquaintance they’d had in common,
and his sister had told him where the others lived. There were a
million reasons why he shouldn’t do it. “What if she hung up on
him?” he thought. He couldn’t blame her if she did. “What if she
decided to make a situation out of it?” he mulled anxiously. The
last thing Davis wanted was trouble. Even if he did get through to
her, it wouldn’t erase what happened in the past. “What difference
would any of this make?” he asked himself. The questions would only
lead to excuses, and after reading the scriptures, he realized
there was no excuse that could hold water against what the Word of
God said.

“You need to do this, man,” he told himself.
“You been sitting around here too long, lettin’ this hold you back.
If you really want to get better, you got to deal with this. That’s
what you learned in counseling the other day. The Word says it, now
you gotta live it.” He had been thinking about how things went down
between him and Tamiko and what Allen had told him at work several
days ago. It was time to move forward, but not before he dealt with
the reckoning.

Davis picked up the phone and dialed Evie’s
number. As he waited for her to pick up, he tried to think about
what he was going to say. Davis felt his mouth get really dry, so
that it seemed like his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth.
After five rings he was ready to hang up, but before he could, he
heard the click of someone picking up the line.

“Hello,” said a gentle female voice.

“Evie? It’s Davis,” he said, his voice a
little raspy. There was a pause on the other end of the line
leaving Davis to wonder if she had hung up.

“You still there?”

“How the hell did you get my number? Why are
you even calling me?” she said in a more stern voice.

“Look, I know we’re over and everything. I’m
not lookin’ to hook up with you or nothin’ like that. I just wanted
to know if we could talk.”

“You wanna talk, then talk.”

“I think it would be better if we did this
face to face.”

“Don’t even think I’m falling for that again.
You got anything to say to me, it’s now or never.”

“I – I understand if you don’t trust me. I
want to apologize for everything that went down between us. I was
wrong. I shouldn’t have treated you the way that I did when we was
together. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that too many times from
you, Davis. It’s beyond old.”

Evie was jaded and Davis couldn’t blame her.
He had apologized to her over and over again throughout their
relationship, promising her that things would be different, that he
was going to change and every time he broke his promise.

“I know, but I mean it this time – with
everything I got.”

“You always mean it. What’s supposed to make
this time different from all the other times?” said Evie
flatly.

“I’ve given God control of my life. I done
left the streets. I’m not drinkin’ or doin’ the drugs no more…”

“Yeah, well, good for you. Excuse me if I
don’t give a *d**n” she said cutting him off. He could tell by the
bitterness in her voice that he wasn’t convincing her. In fact,
Davis was having a hard time convincing himself. He’d had the same
issues with women since coming to faith, which was why he’d stopped
dating entirely.

“You’re upset and I can understand that…”

“No, you don’t understand, Davis. You have no
idea what you took me through – how much I’ve suffered because of
the things you did to me. I lost my friends, my job, my home, and
even some of my own family won’t speak to me because of you. At one
point, you had me so twisted I thought I’d even lose my mind – and
you wanna step to me with this ‘sorry’ nonsense again?”

There was a brief silence between them. He
could not refute her words. Davis felt she was right. His apology
would never be enough.

“If I could take everything back…”

“You can’t – so don’t think I’ma fall for
your little act, and we gonna be chill like nothing happened. You
tried to break me, but you failed. I have a life now. It’s not the
best life, but it’s my life and I’m not going to let you tear down
what I’ve worked so hard to build,” she said her voice
quivering.

Her words were as sharp and precise as a
doctor’s scalpel. Davis could not shield himself from the deep
truth of her pain, her voice resonant with her suffering. His
choices, his actions had consequences for others that could not
always be rectified with expressions of penitence. The fact that
she had moved on, did nothing to exonerate him from what he’d done,
for he knew that he had left scars on her life that served as
witness to what he had allowed himself to become.

“Believe me,” said Davis as he tried to keep
his voice from cracking “I don’t want to hurt you any more than I
already have. I’m just asking you…if you can forgive me.”

“Forgive and forget, right? Would that make
you feel better? Clear your conscience so you can move onto your
next victim?”

“Evie, please…”

“Go to hell, Davis. And don’t call me no
more.”

Davis lost his grip on the phone and covered
his face with his hands as the tears leaked from behind his tightly
closed eyelids. He took deep breaths to try to calm himself. Davis
had known going in that this task would not be easy, and he knew
there was always the possibility of rejection, but none of that
prepared him for the emotions that were welling up in him at the
present moment. Shame, grief, guilt, self-deprecation, fear and
anger swirling inside his breast like gases on the verge of
combustion. Images of his past self confronted him, mocking him in
his present.

“She’s right. You don’t deserve forgiveness.
‘Cause deep down, you know you’re still the same n**ga you used to
be runnin’ the same bull. That’s who you are and who you always
gonna be, kid” Then he remembered what happened between him and
Allen at the Christmas celebration not that long ago.

Davis got up from the couch and grabbed the
porcelain lamp that was sitting on top of the end table and hurled
it across the room. It hit the wall on the opposite side and broke
into shards. Then he kicked over the coffee table nearly sending it
into his TV stand opposite it. Davis stood shaking and he covered
his face with his hands again taking long deep breaths to calm
down. He started to repeat a psalm he’d memorized:

“Hear my cry, O God; attend
unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee,
when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher
than I…”
¹

By the time he had finished the recitation,
the funnel cloud inside him had dissipated. He took his hands away
and opened his eyes. He immediately set the coffee table aright and
replaced the magazines and other things that had been sitting on
it. Then he walked over across the room to clean up the mess he had
made with the lamp. When he saw it, he stopped in his tracks. It
was the lamp Tamiko had given him as one of her friendly gifts. It
had been steel blue and shaped like a beehive with Japanese writing
on the side. He’d always taken meticulous care of it, hoping to
make it into his own personal keepsake. Now it laid spread out
across the floor in different sized jagged pieces, wires hanging
out of the base like the entrails of a gutted fish. Davis felt
deeply ashamed and angry with himself. He just wanted to be
different: to get rid of all of the filth and scum, but there was a
darkness inside him that just wouldn’t let go. As he knelt down to
pick up one of the shards of broken lamp, terror suddenly took hold
of him. “God, please,” he prayed, “please help me. I need you…I
need you.”