The Atonement (45 page)

Jim looked at the clock. It was almost 4:00
and he knew Mama Lena would be back from work soon, so he tried to
move as fast as he could. It took him a good five minutes to get to
the door, but Jim was determined to continue on. Once he was out
the door, it was another ten minutes to the end of the block. By
then he started to feel a pain in his foot that shot up into his
leg, and his left armpit was sore from the crutch digging into it.
Ordinarily, he could just walk home, but in his condition it would
probably take him all night to trek the few blocks, so he decided
to hail a gypsy cab instead.

Several passed him by before a brown 1996
Cadillac slowed down a little past the curb where he stood. Jim
hobbled up to the door and eased himself in.

“I need to get to
123
^rd
and St. Nicholas.”

“St. Nicholas?”

“Yeah.”

“I take you.”

The ride lasted not more than a few minutes
before he was outside the front of his building. Jim paid the fare,
and struggled out of the cab, like a hermit crab shedding it’s
shell. Once he was out, he stood in front of the building for a
moment gazing up at it. He had only been away for a little more
than a month but for some reason the place seemed strange and
forbidding. It seemed less like a home and more like a towering
prison fortress. The last time he’d been here was the morning
before the ambush. His most recent memories of the place were
marked by loneliness and despair and now he’d returned plagued by
the same feelings. He didn’t want to be here, but he felt he
deserved to be – in exile, where he could do no more harm.

Jim trudged slowly through the gates until he
reached the entrance where he stopped to rest for several minutes.
Sweat was dripping down his back from the workout. Then from the
entrance he headed toward the elevator in the lobby, where he
rested again as he waited for the elevator. A half hour had passed
by the time Jim finally reached the door of his apartment. He tried
his old key, which still worked and went in.

It wasn’t like he remembered at all. He
distinctly recalled leaving his apartment in a state of disarray.
After Angela died, he didn’t care about anything and let the place
go to pieces. Since then someone had been by and had cleaned up.
All of a sudden, fear took hold of Jim’s heart. He closed the door
behind him and struggled to the bathroom. He was tired and his left
leg was throbbing when he got there, but that didn’t stop him from
his purpose. Jim sat himself on the toilet and inspected his old
spot, but when he tried to remove the toilet paper dispenser, he
couldn’t. Someone had fixed the hole and sealed it up. The stash
that had been there was obviously gone.

Jim gave himself a few minutes to rest as he
tried to remember his other hiding places. Then he eased himself up
off the toilet and hobbled to his bedroom, stopping at his desk. He
looked through all the cubbyholes. He found the old mirror he used,
and a random rusted razor blade, but there was no stash here
either.

In his frustration, Jim knocked some books
that were on the desk onto the floor. Jim didn’t just come here to
help the Sharpes, but he came here to help himself, too. He was
tired of living with the pain, the shame, and the guilt of his
actions. He was tired of feeling depressed all the time. Jim wanted
just a little bit of happiness, even if it was just for a moment.
Prayer hadn’t made him feel better, and reading the Bible hadn’t
made him feel better, either. He even thought that once his secrets
were revealed, the pressure would unload, but it didn’t. He had
asked God for help, but it seemed He was nowhere in sight. He
didn’t care about his future anymore. As far as he was concerned,
he didn’t have one. He was content to spend the rest of his life in
a haze, sheltered from his feelings and the world around him. Jim
had piled his hopes onto the little vials he had hidden away, but
now they were gone.

“I still have $20.00 on me. There’s got to be
something I can get,” Jim thought. There was only one thing he
could get that cheaply. Under any other circumstances Jim would
have hesitated to engage in such a risky experiment, but he was
desperate. He knew about a dude named Mickey that had spots in
Harlem, one not far from here. Jim had to get there.

Jim was back up on the crutches, taking one
step at a time, ignoring the burning muscles in his leg, the
soreness under his arm, and the cramps in his left hand. There was
something much more urgent driving him. Before he knew it he was
back outside on the street thinking of how to get to Mickey. If he
took another cab, he wouldn’t have any money for his hit, so he
decided to inch along to the nearest train station that would take
him over to the east side.

“Jim!” he heard a voice call suddenly. Jim
looked around, but he didn’t see anyone he recognized.

“Jim! Hey, Jim, wait!” he heard again. This
time he looked behind him. He was carrying two grocery bags. Jim
couldn’t believe his good fortune. If anyone would be able to help
him, he could.

“Chris! What you doin’ around here?”

“I moved, remember? Now I live across the
street. I was just comin’ back from the store,” he said showing Jim
his grocery bags. “I see you got your casts off, now. You makin’
out alright out here by yourself?”

“I’m good. The doctor says I have to
exercise, you know.”

“True, but you don’t want to overwork it
though. You looked liked you was havin’ a little trouble.”

“No, no. I’m managing.”

“You walked all the way out here from
Al’s?”

“No, I took a cab here. Came to check on my
old apartment. I used to live in that building over there.”

“Word?”

“Yeah. While I’m here I thought I’d get
reacquainted with the old hood and check out some of my old haunts.
I was about to try to find Mickey, unless you know somebody that’s
closer,” said Jim trying to bring up the topic of his interest in a
casual way.

“You lookin’ to score?” said Chris whose
countenance fell with disappointment.

“Don’t look at me like that. You of all
people should know how hard it is.”

“I do.”

“Not everybody can go straight all at once.
I’m not trying to do this on the regular, I only need a little
somethin’ to get me through today. You understand what I’m
sayin’?”

“Yeah. I understand. I been there.”

“That’s just what I thought, man. So you
willin’ to do a brotha a favor?”

“Yeah. Just follow me.”

*****

Chris had both of his grocery bags in one
hand and tried to hold Jim up with the other as he led him to the
door of his apartment. When they entered, Jim was amazed by how
clean and orderly the place was. It was a studio apartment, and
Chris had a number of screens up to divide the living space. He was
also astonished by how much open space there was. Chris led him to
the section that he had made into a living room that was furnished
with a futon and matching beanbag chairs. Jim rested himself on the
foldaway futon while Chris put away his groceries.

“This place looks nice.”

“Thanks. Al and the others helped me put
everything together.”

“You still doin’ that welfare job?”

“Yeah, but I been puttin’ out applications to
other places and I’m hopin’ to find a real job. The section 8 I got
ain’t gon last no more than a couple of years.”

“I hope you find somethin’ soon.”

“Thanks.”

“So you got somethin’ ‘round here to float
on?”

“I got some Advil to help your leg, but I
ain’t got nothin’ for floatin.”

“Then what you brung me by here for? I
thought you was fixin' to hook me up.”

“Jim, you don’t need that mess.”

“Now you gon’ tell me I need the Lord, right?
I tried that, man. He don’t have no more grace for me. I done
messed up too much.”

“That ain’t true. Ain’t nobody out there
messed up too much for God’s mercy. If He’s helpin’ me, He’ll help
you. You couldn’t have done nothin’ worse than I done, and believe
me, I done a whole lotta wrong.”

“If that’s the case then, why do I feel the
way I do? Everybody talkin’ bout the joy of the Lord. When do I get
to that joy? Hunh? Right now all I got is a lot of pain and
problems that I can’t see my way out of. Y’all like to say He’s a
burden bearer. When’s he going to bear mine?”

“When you trust him enough to give ‘em to
Him.”

“What you mean, ‘when I give them to Him? I
done prayed my heart out to Him.”

“Prayin’ is one thing and trusting him is
another. Lot’s of people pray, but they don’t have the faith to
believe that He’s working on their situation.”

“I listened for Him. I did what I thought He
told me to do, but now I feel like I’m in a worse situation than
before with even more problems. It’s like he’s punishing me, and I
know I deserve it, but – I can’t take this anymore.”

“I can’t say what God’s doing to you. Only He
can tell you that. But I do think it’s safe to say he don’t wanna
destroy you. Remember, you coulda died in that warehouse.”

“With everything that’s going on now, I wish
I did.”

“Don’t say things like that,
Jim. We talked about this before. Just because the situation isn’t
how you want it to be doesn’t mean that God’s not workin’. Look at
the things He
is
doing: you’re alive, and you have a family to support
you”

“I don’t know about that last part.”

“What you mean? What’s goin’on?”

“When I was out there in the streets, I did a
lot of stupid things I shouldn’t have including stabbing my best
friend in the back. Now that they all know what went down, I don’t
know if any of them is going to want me around. Can’t blame them,
either.”

“Did you apologize to everyone?”

“Al doesn’t even want to hear what I have to
say. The others say they understand, but they don’t act like
it.”

“Anyone say they wanted you to leave?”

“I was thinking about going down south for a
while, and they think it’s a good idea.”

“That don’t sound like they want you out.
Might mean they want you to take some time away so Al can cool off.
You got to be careful, sometimes your guilt can make you see things
that ain’t there.”

“They’re all acting different around me
now.”

“You can’t take that to heart. Everybody got
to have time to process things. Think about if you were in their
position, or Al’s position.”

“I’d want me out.”

“I don’t know Jim. From what I’m
understandin’, your peeps care about you too much to just throw you
out like that. But let’s play devil’s advocate and say it’s true.
You’re still alive, you still got God on your side. He’s forgiven
you even if the others don’t. Now you gotta forgive yourself and
move on, and if no one else will be your friend, then I will – that
is, if you want me to be.”

“Why would you want to be there for me after
everything I did to you?”

“Jim, that was the past. I done forgive you
for all that a long time ago.”

“Thanks man. It’s just that this is so
hard.”

“I know it’s hard. Sometimes it’s down right
painful. It’s human nature to want to avoid it all – to do a few
lines, take a hit or a drink or whatever you like to do to get away
from it all, but you can’t grow like that. Times like this you
gotta grit your teeth, trust God and go through it.”

“I thought being with Him was supposed to
make it all easier.”

“He does make it easier, but only when you
trust Him. Let go and trust Him. Don’t think about what might
happen in the next hour, or the next day, or the next week. Trust
what he’s doing now.”

Right now Jim was sitting with a good friend,
rather than being holed up in a drug spot getting wasted. Right
now, Jim was starting to feel a little better about his situation,
instead of being anxious to get high. Maybe he had not been
forgotten after all.

“I guess if He wasn’t lookin’ out for me, I
could’ve been down at Mickey’s by now.”

“That’s the last place either of us needs to
be.”

“Level with me Chris. You been clean this
whole time?”

“Yeah. But that don’t mean I never been
tempted. But in the times when I have, I know I have to hold onto
His hand just that much tighter.”

“Where you learnin’ all this stuff from?”

“
Just goin’ to church, Bible
Study, counselin', and spending time with the Lord. I’m going to
counselin’ service tonight. You can come with me if you
want.”

“I don’t know. I don’t want a lot of strange
people in my business.”

“The people down there ain’t like them folks
at the rehab that gets paid to deal with people. These Christian
people that want to help.”

“Yeah, but that Davis dude is gonna be there
and I don’t know about him.”

“Trust me, he’s a good brother. He’s helped
me better than family. But there’s plenty of other people workin’
down there besides him if that’s your worry.”

“Still…”

“Just come one time, and if you don’t think
it’s worth it, I won’t bother you ‘bout it no more.”

“Aiight.”

“I was going to fix myself something to eat
before I left. If you want you can stay for dinner and then we’ll
take a cab down to the church. I got lots of soups: vegetable,
chicken noodle, tomato, cup o’ noodles, ramen. Which one you
want?”

“Vegetable sounds good. I guess you’re a soup
fan.”

“Not really. It’s one of the few things I can
eat - that and things like bread, and pasta, and fresh vegetables.
That junk I was takin’ did a number on my stomach. Can’t really
even look at dairy or fast food anymore.”

“Word?”

“Yeah. It’s messed up because I been trying
to gain some weight like the doctor say, but it’s hard when there
isn’t much that’ll stay down.”