The Awakening (12 page)

Then suddenly they were in a clearing. The dogs stopped, frozen still, their ears high and alert, their noses twitching. Victor caught her hand to stop her. “Wait,” he whispered. She looked, listened, but could discern nothing. She waited and slowly, like ghosts, four wolves materialised before them. Their teeth were bared and they were snarling slowly, menacingly. The dogs melted back, obeying Victor’s hand signal. Carmen looked at Victor. He seemed alarmed by the sudden appearance of the wolves. She peered at them, but the white wolf was not there. These were grey and mottled, some specks of white, but not the purity of last night’s animal.

“You must approach them,” Victor whispered.

She nodded. She was not afraid. Wary, uncertain, but not afraid: Victor was with her. As she stepped away from Victor and their own dogs the wolves stopped snarling. They still looked fierce but Carmen moved carefully towards them, her arms out in front of her with her palms open towards the pack. She caught the eye of the largest wolf, stared into his grey pits into his animal soul. She fancied he nodded his head, a hint of recognition. She looked at the other wolves one by one. Staring them down until they sat back on their haunches and let her come into their circle. Victor watched every movement and kept his hand on his gun. He knew wolves. The dogs waited for Victor’s signal, ready to attack should they be called to action.

Carmen felt the stillness reverberate around her, heard Victor’s slow steady breath across the clearing as she moved closer to the pack. From deep within her came a growling crooning sound that she had never heard or made before in her life. The wolves hunkered down, looked up at her in supplication, let her come within a foot of them. She held out her hand as she had done last night to the white wolf and the large grey eyed wolf came to her and rubbed against her led, letting her pat his head. The others moved around them, each eager to reach Carmen, feel the grace of her touch. She looked over to Victor who was beaming at her.

That night as she lay in bed replaying the scene she felt a surge of pride and happiness. This was power, real and tangible to have wild animals rub against you and feel no fear, in fact feel the opposite. She had no desire to hurt them, over-power them: she just enjoyed being with them, as if she were one of them. She understood better why Zanzibar and Alaska meant so much to her. They simply reminded her of this part of life, the part she’d lost all those years ago when her dad died and she’d not been back to the forests since. Zanzibar and Alaska were a tangible link to her dad, a daily reminder of being in the wilderness, with Nature and with him. She’d never done anything as thrilling as today with the wolves. She’d expected the same connection with today’s pack as with the white wolf but it hadn’t been there. She felt close, accepted but not connected, as she had when she’d looked into those blue beast eyes on the lake’s edge.

She sat up, stared out the window at the lake in the moonlight and after a brief tussle with herself went to Victor’s room. As she suspected he was wide awake. “You’ve been expecting me, haven’t you?”

“Yes.” He patted the space beside him on the bed. “Come and sit with me.”

Downstairs the dogs were sleeping peacefully together around the fire, which would burn all night keeping the cabin and its inhabitants warm. Outside all was quiet and peaceful, if not crisply cold. There would be a frost in the morning.

“So I passed today’s test?”

“With flying colours.”

“Okay so explain the white wolf.”

Victor smiled at her. “Do I need to?”

“I didn’t feel connected to today’s wolves. I felt good but yesterday when that wolf came to me at the lake it was different.”

“Yes-”

“Was it because you weren’t there at the lake? Was I just being me with the wolf? But today you were there and I was too conscious of you watching me?”

Victor stroked her arm slowly, tenderly. “Lie down with me, Carmen.”

She shook her head. “I can’t sleep with you, Victor, you know that. I can’t betray Andrew.”

“Silly girl,” he sighed. “I’m not asking you to. Just lie down. Put your head on the pillow next to mine. There. Now let me hold your hand while you look into my eyes.”

“Okay, I guess.” Carmen lay down and Victor pulled the duvet over her hips. She smiled at the absurdity of the situation. She was actually in bed with her boss.

“Now,” he said. “Just think about the wolf. Look into my eyes and think about the wolf.”

“Oh, Victor,” Carmen sighed. “You.”

Victor nodded. “Indeed. Now go to sleep my little bear. You have come such a long way.”

“‘But miles to go before we sleep’,” she quoted from some long ago childhood story.

He touched the polar bear necklace. “As long as you wear this you will not be alone. It connects you to us all, my little cub.”

Outside the night was velvet-black and whisper-still. Only a few stars sparkled. Carmen wondered why she was here, why she had so happily come with Victor without Andrew’s knowledge or blessing. How could she claim to love him if she was keeping secrets from him? But something inside her was shifting and changing. She could feel it, but could not name it. She knew Victor could and knew he would if she asked him. But she needed to name it for herself. That was part of the testing too. There was much to learn, a long path to walk down. But if Victor held her hand she would be fine. She suspected she would find that elusive, enigmatic something that had seemed forever out of reach, and only in sight in the dream of the ice cave, if she accepted Victor into her heart and soul. She had the overwhelming sense, as she snuggled into his arms that he was her future and Andrew was merely a distraction along the way to happiness and fulfilment.

“It’s all right, isn’t it?” Carmen murmured as sleep captured her and she rolled into Victor’s embrace.

“It’s going to be very all right, Carmen. Al, all right.” He kissed her head and held her close as she fell asleep in the safest place in the world, his arms.

Carmen was quiet all the way back to New York. She wasn’t sure how she could go back after such a weekend. She was less certain of Andrew than ever before, more unhinged by Victor than ever before yet more at peace with herself than she had ever been. Was she at last able to put her father’s death behind her? Amidst the forest and the lessons Victor had encouraged her to talk of him, to share her memories and pain. No-one else had ever done that. Her mother never needed to: she was just glad David was dead. Andrew came along too late: Carmen only told him the outline of her life, none of the emotion. How could she? She’d been shut down about her childhood since she’d made a life as a swimmer. That was all people were interested in. Oh, yes, the sad background only added to how special and brave and courageous she was. But no-one knew how she felt. No-one had cared that much and she hadn’t blamed them. She doubted she would have either.

But here was Victor gently prising her open, asking questions, seeming to know too much anyway, letting her talk about her dad for the first time. Amongst a weekend of gifts it was a precious one to receive. How could she doubt Victor after this weekend? How could she have a life with AA? Especially as she had shared Victor’s bed and thoroughly enjoyed drifting off in his arms and waking to his soft snoring in the early hours of the morning as the sunlight was sneaking its way into the house. She’d slipped from his arms, put the coffee on, piled logs onto the fire and given the dogs the left over rabbit stew.

She watched him emerge from his lair, stand on the mezzanine floor bathed in sunlight, survey the room as he came down the stairs, his tousled hair messy on his golden head, his eyes bright and clear as they always were. He smiled as soon as he saw her, his face lighting up as it had that first day in his office. If she hadn’t known better she’d have said he was in love with her and as she looked at him she felt it would have been all too easy to be in love with him. She wondered if he knew that in the throes of passion with Andrew she saw Victor’s face looking at her? If only she’d met him before Andrew. Ah, she had to go home today and Andrew would be back from Brazil and Australia before she knew it. To buy houses and set dates.

“Can I just stay here forever?” Carmen asked as they shared a pot of coffee and waffles with jam and syrup.

Victor laughed, as she knew he would. “Oh, Carmen. Would life were that easy.”

“It could be, Victor. Just let AA run the company and you and I could be here. Fish, hunt, run the dogs.”

“Play with the wolves.”

“Yes. Why not?”

He leant across the table and took her hands in his. “Carmen, my darling girl, this is only the beginning. You have so far to go. Miles and miles. And I can’t come with you.”

She looked away from his relentless gaze and tried to free her hands. “Don’t ruin it now, please Victor.”

“There is no easy path for you. For us. There is no us. There is Andrew and the company and the world. A world that needs you to be who you really are. A world in desperate need. All for us to deal with.”

“But last night,” she began.

“Last night I held you until you slept. That was all. You know that.” He suddenly let her hands go and stood up. “I have done some terrible things, Carmen. Things I had to do, that you will come to understand as we travel further together. But I will not come between people. You are engaged to Andrew and regardless of what I think of that or how I feel about you I will not take you from him.”

“You don’t find me attractive?”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“You don’t love me?”

“Now you are being foolish.”

“I don’t understand you.”

“Maybe not. But this thing, this whole adventure is bigger than us. Much, much bigger. Now you’re going to say I’m scaring you again. But you have to grow up, Carmen. Think about what you’ve learnt this weekend.”

Carmen considered her heart, what she knew was there, how amazing these two days with Victor had been. She knew she was different and she knew she loved him and he loved her. It was more than enough. She came around the table to hold him.

“It’s okay, Victor. I’m not scared any more. You can say what you want. What you need. I’m beginning to understand.”

“Are you, Carmen? There is a great deal to understand.”

“I know, Victor. It’s okay.”

“Everything is within you. Look to your dreams, to what you feel and all ready know. You are connected to the earth, to the animals and the forest. You must trust your feelings, follow your intuition, give it air and let it grow. All that you can be you all ready are. You simply must become more. Think less, feel more and just be. Accept the primal within you: let the rational human go. All ready your gifts of patience and silence are strong, let that strength take you down your path.” He hugged her and as always kissed her hair. They stood together for several moments, feeling the love and comfort, the understanding and connection that was growing ever stronger between them.

“Come on, we’ll go down to the lake for a while before we head back.” He grabbed his old cap and called the dogs. “Let’s not think about the rest of the world before we have to.”

“No.” Carmen took Victor’s hand and embraced the joy of being with him and her dogs in this wonderful place. If her future held Victor then she knew everything would be all right.

Victor dropped Carmen and the dogs back at her basement late Sunday afternoon. She was reluctant to leave him, even though it was good to have her basement back again.

“It’s only until tomorrow,” Victor smiled.

“When can we go back to the cabin, Victor?”

“Next weekend, I guess. If you want.”

“Yes, Andrew won’t be back. It will be easy to go again.”

“Consider it done.” He kissed her hand. “Good night, Carmen.”

“Thank you, Victor. I had the best weekend of my life.”

He laughed. “You flatter me.”

“No,” she said plainly. “I did. Thank you.”

He watched after her long after she and the dogs were safely inside. How could he tell her that she couldn’t marry Andrew, that he was part of the dangerous path ahead, that he was, in fact, her enemy? Victor could only keep Andrew away for a finite period of time. But would it be long enough for Carmen to come to Victor of her own free will, as it had to be? Not for the first time in his life did Victor wish disaster and disease upon the Adams menfolk.

Andrew was on the phone when Carmen arrived at work on Monday morning. After such a weekend and dreams full of Victor and wolves Andrew was the last thing on her mind. She was back in her beloved basement, she’d been for a long run through Central Park, lingering by the zoo, watching the bears and felt more herself than she ever had. She wondered why she lived in the city: it really wasn’t her scene. She’d never felt part of it, even now with AA and his access to all the chic restaurants and clubs. She always felt closed in, unable to breath in those places: always too many people. It was AA’s natural habitat. His family was “old” New York, lawyers, politicians, lords of the manor, of the country really. What had they really talked about in their brief time together? Nothing about their hopes and dreams for the future. AA seemed hell bent on taking over Great Blizzard, but, Carmen wondered, was he really after greater things? Was his time at Great Blizzard his token rebellion against his family’s wishes? She sensed a desire to show himself as worthy, as greater than … but who? Victor or his father? Was she being groomed as a political wife? Was her golden girl public profile what he needed to move onto bigger things? Was he going to use his own connections, and try and make it without his father and that family with its tentacles into everything?