The Bathrobe Knight: Volume 2 (31 page)

Darwin looked over at Kitchens who just nodded. “Wow, that was impressive,” Darwin admired Kass for a moment. “You figured all of that out from just him standing straight and the topics of our conversation?”

Kass just giggled. “No, of course not. Minx told me earlier when we were talking. You are so gullible, Darwin.”

Darwin scrunched his eyes and covered his face for a moment. “Fine, fine. I’m gullible. Now, can we get this show on the road? Fuzzy Wuzzy, walk on two feet if you have to, but don’t hurt Minx.”

Fuzzy growled, then carefully grabbed the girl who was hanging from him and put her on top of his head as he sat back down on all fours. His switching from two legs to four, with her on his head, left Minx to slide down his neck until she was sitting on top of his back as he walked up to Darwin and pushed his head up against his hand.
Why does this remind me of Minx and Kitchens now?

“Umm, Boss, before we go . . . is there any way to ask for a favor?” Daniel asked, scratching his head behind his ear. “See, it’d be great if this whole thing were an order from Alex.”

Mclean and Valerie seemed just as stunned by the request as Darwin, Kass and the rest were. Everyone stared at him blankly for a minute, wondering what he was on about, then both Mclean and Valerie went, “Oh!”

“Yeah! That sounds like a great idea. Please have Alex issue this as an order,” Mclean said.

Alex, who had stood quietly the whole time, nodded and stroked his chin as if he had a beard. “I see. They have a great deal of respect for the chain of command. This is very good, Great Lord Darwin. They’ve been very diligent with the tasks around the ship; and, regarding the moving, they’ve not missed a single thing and have completed all the orders as if their life depended it.”

“Yeah, Great Lord Darwin, we’d like this mission to be an order from Alex, if you don’t mind,” Valerie piped in too.

“Indeed, it’s for the best,” Mclean said, “The chain of command should stay intact. It’d be rude if we, as subordinates of General Alex, were to go above him and work out deals with his superior behind his back. We should make sure General Alex has all of his tasks covered ahead of time.”

“Okay, um . . . What?” Darwin had to ask. This was all too weird. He knew that Valerie was really into role play, but it just didn’t fit for Daniel or Mclean. “What’s really going on?”

“Well, you see--” Daniel started talking with his hands, ready to make an excuse, when Mclean interrupted him.

“It’s the EXP, your Great Lordship,” Mclean said, holding her head low. “We just want the EXP.”

“The EXP?” Kass asked with a face that was just as confused as Darwin's.

“Yeah, whenever we get a quest,” Mclean explained further, “I mean, a request from Alex, it counts as a quest with a ridiculous EXP reward compared to what the task is. Even something as simple as fetching lunch seems to count for the same amount of EXP as if we did a full dungeon clearing quest.”

“Yeah, it’s really great actually. I am almost Level 44 off of it,” Daniel said. “So, if it’s not too much trouble, we’d like to have Alex issue the request.”

“Wait wait! Minx can get a quest from this?” Minx said from atop Fuzzy Wuzzy’s back. “Minx wants a quest!”

Alex sighed. It was clear to Darwin from his General’s earlier excitement that Alex had such high hopes for the discipline and conduct of the new recruits, but instead they were just using him to increase their power by the same inexplicable method Darwin himself utilized. Darwin couldn’t tell if Alex understood what ‘EXP’ meant, but the sigh definitely let Darwin know that he wasn’t entirely happy with this discovery. “Alright, I need all of you to go with Darwin and do exactly as Darwin says until the new base is established,” Alex said with more than a hint of defeated resignation in his voice.

“Thanks, Alex!” Daniel said, clapping his NPC boss on the back.

“That did it! Thanks a lot, General Alex,” Valerie said.

“Wow, cool! I didn’t know factions had this function! Thanks, Alex!” Minx added as Mclean and Kitchens just issued a two-word ‘thank you.’

“How come I didn’t get one?” Kass asked, looking around at the others.

“Well, if I had to venture a guess, Kass,” Daniel responded, “It’s likely because you’re a higher rank than Alex. Since quests are given by NPCs of a higher rank, and your only boss is a player, I’m guessing this little EXP mine just won’t apply to you. Given we’re the only faction I can think of with NPCs, it’s entirely possible the GMs in charge of fixing glitches like this will never notice it.”

“What? You mean everyone else will level faster than me?” Kass’s face went slightly red. “That totally stinks!”

“For you. For us, it’s quite handy,” Kitchens said, smiling up at Minx. “Minx, you did really good finding this swordsman.”

“See! Minx is the best!” Minx said before straightening up on her bear mount and then pointing towards the dock. “Onward, Sir Fluffster! To victory!”

As they all filed off towards the new quest, one by one with Darwin in the back, Darwin thought for sure he heard Alex say something behind them as they left.

“NPC . . . ?” he thought he could hear Alex saying. “What’s an NPC? Wait, we didn’t give Darwin the bathrobe to give to Fu . . .” the voice trailed off as the distance grew too great. 

              Halfway through the town on their way to the gate, a group of tiger guards stopped them. “His Excellency has requested an audience with you fine heroes before you leave.”

              “That’s excellent!” Darwin feigned happiness. “The sooner we can be of service, the better.” It was a necessary lie. He knew he had to keep up the pretenses until his people could escape the town; but, even through his best fake smile, he could feel his stomach turning inside him with each lie.

              “Good. Your entourage can wait here. The audience is only requested of you and you alone,” the Panthera said, looking at his friends with obvious disdain. Darwin felt a little grossed out looking at his beady, yellow eyes while the cat squinted at his companions.

              “Fine,” Darwin said. The whole thing was fishier than a fresh-stocked lake, but he didn’t want to start trouble. “I’ll be back. Just wait here,” he said to his friends as he followed the two guards by himself.

              “Use your psychic powers to signal Fuzzy Wuzzy if something goes wrong!” Minx shouted at Darwin as he walked away.

              They left the crowded street full of players and NPCs haggling left and right and ventured through a few sketchy back alleys until finally the path opened up into a garden behind a gate. The gate had a white floral design inlaid with ivory and was barely one fat Fuzzy Wuzzy wide and not but ten feet tall. The guard opened the gate and then waited as Darwin walked in. Afterwards, he shut and locked the gate behind Darwin.

             
Well, this meeting is already shady enough to turn the entire desert cool,
Darwin grimaced as he walked down the path. If it weren’t for the awkwardness of the circumstances, he would have greatly enjoyed the garden. It was actually rather beautiful. It had flowers flowing in streams of silky purple across the ground on both sides of the pathway and was bordered by lines of white orchids. Red roses spiraled up each one of the garden’s thin, ivory fence posts that edged off sections of the garden and parts of the walkway. It was a simply stunning sight, and there in the middle of it was the Panda King, quietly holding one of the red roses.

              “You wanted to see me?” Darwin asked as he approached the Panda King.

              “Yes. Yes, I did, young one, but we can get to that in a minute. Until then, perhaps you could take a walk with me?”

              “Of course, Your Excellency,” Darwin nodded and walked next to the Panda King, who started walking through the flowers. Each step amid the beautiful floral sea made Darwin want to cringe a little. It was like watching a rhino walk through a china shop and casually knock pieces to the ground.

              “You know,” the Panda King began, pausing only to pick up a flower, “when I was young I knew a Human farmer who had two animals. One was a pig, and one was a cow. The farmer raised both of them with care, but he only raised the cow with love. The pig, on the other hand, he treated with disgust. Day after day, he would ignore the pig and praise the cow. The pig, angry at this, finally asked the farmer about it. He asked the farmer why he treated him poorly but the cow with such kindness. The farmer, not caring what the pig thought of him, honestly answered the pig. He told the pig that the reason he treated the cow better was that the cow gave them milk day after day to drink with his breakfast and sell to the town. He told the pig that the reason he treated him poorly was that he resented the pig for still being alive.” The Panda King, in an obvious and overly-dramatic fashion, crushed the flower he had been holding and scattered its broken petals into the gentle breeze. “That, so long as the pig was alive, he was essentially worthless. Only when the pig was dead would it be worth anything.” Then, finishing the parable, the Panda King stopped walking and turned to Darwin. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

              “That I shouldn’t be the pig?” Darwin asked, clearly understanding what the Panda King said, but still wanting the ruler to clarify how that was to be achieved.

“That those who don’t prove useful every day they are alive, often prove useful when they are dead.” The Panda King’s once friendly smile had transformed from a happy grin into simply a mouth full of teeth. “That’s not something you want, now is it?”

              “Not particularly,” Darwin felt an urge to step back as the Panda King’s menacing fang-filled mouth chomped wordlessly. “But how do I stay useful?”

              “Ah, that . . . That’s an easy one. All I need you to do this time is the same thing you did last time: clear out a set of terrible pirates,” the Panda King laughed jovially, his usual cheerful and rosy demeanor returning.

              “So . . . Same thing I did last time? Same type of problem?” Darwin asked, secretly wanting to know if the Panda King planned on sending more mercenaries or ninjas to kill him mid-mission. He would have, but he had already died once, and he knew the panda could not have obtained the station of King without being formidable in a fight. Just his presence exuded a type of power no one else in the Kingdom seemed to have. Instead of following up his question with a wise remark about the ninjas the Panda King had obviously sent after them, he just asked, “Is there anything else you will need, Your Excellency?”

              “No, no, I think that will be all. The guard at the gate will have a map with the location of your next target.” The Panda King turned back to his flowers, the ones he wasn’t stepping on, and bent over to pick one up. “Oh, and Darwin, one more thing,” he said, turning up to Darwin as the warrior was walking back to the gate. “Remember that a good cow will be praised and cared for.”

              “Yes, Your Excellency,” Darwin said, and then he started rushing his feet towards the gate as quickly as he could while still maintaining a walk.

Kass
:

              “That guy gets creepier with each meeting,” Darwin complained as he returned to the group.

              “All that ‘young one’ talk?” Kass asked, remembering the way the old Panda King had insisted on calling them all “young one” all the time.

              “No, I wish it were only that. This time he gave me a weird metaphorical speech about a pig and a cow and how he would kill me unless I made him happy every day,” Darwin explained. “It was like he was going for a Godfather vibe and got lost in a pig’s rear halfway through.”

              “Ouch, that bad?” Kass sympathized, doing her best to imagine what she had originally thought of as a kind old man making threats like that.

              “Yeah,” Darwin nodded, “That bad. Kind of made me want to take a shower.”

              “Well, we shouldn’t dilly dally then.”

              “No, but we have to make a stop along the way,” Darwin said, pulling out a scroll. “The King actually did us a huge favor. He gave us the location of another group of so-called bandits.”

              “How is that a favor again?” Kass wondered.

              “Yada yada, more twigs in the bundle makes it harder to break, yada yada,” Minx answered Kass’s question.

              “Yada yada?” Kass had heard the phrase a million times, and already had a general idea of how it fit, but she was so surprised to see Minx attempt to talk like Kitchens.

              “Minx is tired. Fuzzy-Wuzzy, be my bed. I’m going to sleep now,” Minx said as she ignored Kass’s request for an explanation and curled up on Fuzzy-Wuzzy’s furry back. “Sleeeeeepppyyy time now.
Oyasumi
.”

              “You can sleep in the video game?” Darwin asked, extremely intrigued by this idea. “How do you sleep in the video game?”

              “She’s not sleeping. She’s just ignoring Kass’s question because she doesn’t remember the whole point of the example,” Kitchens answered, patting Fuzzy Wuzzy’s head in lieu of Minx’s.

“I’m not sleeping, mya mya mya,” Minx said in an awkward feigned yawn, using ‘mya’ to supplement her fake snores.

“She should have told you that a twig by itself is easy to snap, but a bundle of them bound together is difficult to even bend.” Kitchens continued patting Fuzzy Wuzzy, clearly making up for the lack of his built-in daughter hand rest.