The Bathrobe Knight: Volume 2 (45 page)

“Yeah, if we already know we’re going to be attacked, why not make sure we’ll know where they’ll focus their assault too? Even if they know it’s a trap and lay siege to one of the walls, we’ll be able to adjust and flank them through the central opening before they get past the wall. This way, we can likely lure them into one spot and still have the flexibility to hit them if they strike elsewhere.”

“If you plan to straighten out the corner and run a phalanx,” Kitchens said as he pointed at the training soldiers, “then why do you have a funnel at the front of your defense wall’s opening, with the wall being wider at the outside and narrowing as it approaches where you’re putting the phalanxes?”

“Ah, that’s just an idea I picked up from some real-time strategy games. The idea is to force the enemy to pressure himself instead of just us. As their force continuously tries to narrow and avoid the pikes on the side, they’ll end up squishing themselves and breaking their own order a bit, sometimes even forcing loose men into the pikes to die.” Darwin pause for a moment. “I’m actually taking quite a few gambles. For instance, I need the enemy to be disorganized. I’m betting they won’t match our front lines in numbers or go straight for the walls with any heavy siege equipment,” Darwin noted, drawing a nod from Kitchens. “But I’m not worried. I remember how disorganized Tiqpa’s NPC armies were on the beaches during the White-Wing battle.”

“They are all very feudal, and feudal societies tend to draw from untrained peasants just as much as they do real, trained soldiers. I wouldn’t be surprised if this Kingdom is no different.” Kitchens continued nodding as Darwin spoke, this time stroking his chin. Darwin knew that he was only nodding in agreement, but for some reason he couldn’t help but think of a bobble head sitting on a car dash when he looked over and saw Kitchens nodding his head with such a stiff body.

“That is what I’m hoping for. Although, I wouldn’t mind if they were also severely undertrained, never leveled, and had a commander who couldn’t figure out which direction was up,” Darwin added. “You know, while we are having wishful thoughts.”

“If you’re going to gamble, go big, right?”

“How about after we finish this up, the two of us find a casino, go to a roulette table, and bet it all on red?”

“Would our chances of winning be larger or smaller?” Kitchens actually chuckled. “Maybe afterwards, we can ask a waitress out and see if the number she gives is real or not.”

“That doesn’t sound like a bad idea, but I thought Minx was your daughter? Aren’t you married?” Darwin asked before realizing the nature of his question.

Kitchens went quiet. He didn’t even move for a moment, then just pretended Darwin had never even asked the question. “Well, your plan seems good enough. I’m going to go wake up Minx and tell her to log on. She’d kill me if she missed this. I figure the two of us can help out with wall reinforcements. Where are you going to want us when the battle starts??”

“Would it be shameful to say that I actually don’t know?”

“How about we take our Blue-Drakes and a squad of fighters and flank the enemy’s sides from above when the fight starts? It’ll let us keep working right until the last minute, and give us the mobility to quickly jump into the battle afterwards,” Kitchens suggested.

It made sense too. The soldiers in the phalanx would each be essentially no better or worse than any other. It wouldn’t be representative of their actual combat abilities. The entire formation was designed to rely on cohesion and coordination as part of a group effort. If the phalanx worked correctly, even the least trained fighter could be highly effective. If they were to use the dragons to cut into the enemy ranks, they could do a great deal of damage without having to sacrifice or modify the existing battle strategy or forcing the phalanx to break rank.

“That might be a good use for all of our best fighters. We have plenty of Blue-Drakes to get them into the battle with, and the drake’s flame breath could be used to protect their flanks if we do it right,” Darwin started thinking aloud.

“Always going with fire, are we? I noticed your men were collecting oil from the dead dragons and storing it in jars. Were you originally planning on forcing the enemy to fight even if he tried to escape? Throwing them into a panic with a surprise rear line or scattering them across the field for extra damage and shock effect when the fireballs rain down?”

             
“Something like that. I was going to pour it across the field and hope to split up the armies mid-fight,” Darwin said, drawing out the strategy on the ground with one of his Burriza’s. “Or, if they were a smaller group, it’d seal them in and let us finish them off before they could retreat and regroup with reinforcements.”

              “So, basically, you wanted to use the fire to hedge your bets? As a safety mechanism?”

              “Yeah, something like that,” Darwin said, “Got a better idea?”

              “Well, water generally likes to have a cup. A force with no form will likely spill everywhere, losing both shape and efficiency.” Kitchens began drawing two big Cs in the middle of the area the enemy would walk over, both with their openings facing each other.

              “So you want to use the fire for our backs, not theirs?”

              “Indeed. This way, we can drop a force anywhere on the field inside one of those semicircles of fire, and the enemy won’t be able to run, but they won’t be able to reach their backs either. They’ll still be able to press in on the sides, so the phalanx formation won’t work, but you will be able to send in a less organized, less formation-heavy units to wreak havoc and break up the enemy’s pressure on the phalanx.”

              “That’s . . .” Darwin stared at it, his right eyebrow creeping towards his hairline as the whole thing began to put itself together in his head. “That’s not a bad idea at all. I wonder if we can build a parachute for Fuzzy Wuzzy. Maybe even get a top hat for him. Nothing would make this plan better than having a giant, ferocious, red-eyed bear parachuting off a Blue-Drake while wearing a monocle and top hat into the battlefield, with Minx shouts war cries down from above the entire time, of course.”

              “I’ll tell Minx that if she can complete that outfit before the fight starts, I’ll let her off chores today and tomorrow,” Kitchens said. He had been pulling out a bottle of sake before Darwin told him the idea, but instead put the sake away, chuckled, and started moving his hands in the familiar ‘Log Off’ gesture that Darwin was getting used to seeing. “Let me go wake her up so she has enough time to actually get it done.”

              “Sounds good, though you may want to give her a bit more time. She doesn’t have the same alarm clock as you,” Darwin joked, finally being able to tease someone else for being the old man.

              “Easy there, upstart,” Kitchens snapped back with a light-hearted tone. “You need me around. If I leave, you’ll be the grandpa of the group again. Anyways, I need to go get my daughter. After seeing the setup, I can be sure that if she misses out on a fight like this, she’ll never forgive me. It’ll be worse than that time I just happened to accidentally spill an entire can of crushed ghost peppers into her boyfriend's meal when he came over for dinner. I thought watching an eighteen year old boy doing a sprinkler impression with his eyes at a dinner table was funny, but she didn’t forgive me for a year. Apparently after eating that much spicy food, his tastes suddenly changed.”

             
“Eighteen? So this happened recently then?” Darwin asked out of curiosity, but quickly regretted it.

              “No, this was three years ago. Why are you asking?” Kitchens’ tone turned cold, and his chest almost seemed to puff up a bit as he moved closer to Darwin, staring him dead in the eye. “You’re not thinking of making advances on my daughter, are you? Two girls not enough? Are you trying for a third?”

              “Uh, no. No, sir,” Darwin found himself feeling more than just slightly intimidated, but as soon as he said ‘no,’ Kitchens let him know that he was just joking and patted him on the shoulder with a good laugh. “Good. Because I think a man of good taste should prefer even his alcohol to be over twenty years old. Be back soon.” Kitchens faded.

              Darwin looked back at the entrance of the cave, seeing that the Blue-Drakes were beginning to spawn again. He knew he still had work ahead of him. He was happy Kitchens had been the first to log on. The Blue-Drake strategy would definitely improve their chances of winning by giving the greatest warriors a chance to shine, but it wasn’t a tactic he could participate in. He needed to be with his people, he couldn’t leave the phalanx ranks. If something went wrong, if something didn’t go as planned, he would need to be with his people, not savaging around on the battlefield like he was used to--and that meant he needed to keep the soul bar topped off at full.
After all, I have no idea how long this battle will last or when it will even start
, Darwin thought as he made his way towards the cave’s entrance and the newly spawned drakes.

              “There! That’s him! That’s the one! See, I told you! He looks just like I said, doesn’t he?” Darwin was interrupted by shouting just as he finally finished stepping into the lair.

              “He looks nothing like you described, Louie,” another voice said. As Darwin turned around, he saw a group of a dozen or so Humans walking up to him, four familiar faces leading them. “You said he was like ten feet tall, with a tail, wings and horns the size of a man’s head. That man there can’t be more than six feet tall. You even got his eyes wrong! They are just red! Not giant balls of fire! So what on earth are you talking about, saying he looks exactly like you described?”

              “But he’s got horns! And if you saw the determined way he stared at us all, like he could do anything he wanted in the world, you might have thought he was ten feet tall too,” Louie tried to justify.

              “You should have known that the poet would exaggerate the details.” Reginald nudged the outspoken new guy hard enough to knock him off balance. “Your fault for believing him over us to begin with.”

              “I didn’t believe him. I’m just not going to admit that he looks exactly like Louie said.”

              “Well, at least you didn’t completely ignore us and mistake that bossy Alex guy for being the leader. I can’t believe you went up to him bowing and whatnot. I think you were even shaking a bit there, Darnel. Did you think he was going to murder you?”

“He might have. I don’t know. I heard he chopped your leader in half after being offered tea and crumpets. I had a right to be scared. What if I offered him the wrong gift, or if my gift wasn’t enough? Or what if showing up and offering a gift is simply rude in his mind? You can’t tell what will set a man off, and this man murdered the last person who annoyed him.”

“He’s got a point there, Steve. Some people are just crazy.”

“I told you all before that this is not a set up. He’s a nice guy, and our leader was a spy!”

“Sure, sure. That, or this is all a really elaborate plan to get me back for going on a few dates with your sister and not writing her afterwards,”

“I wouldn’t get us all killed over you being a jerk. Just you, especially when I tell Darwin what you said about his outfit. What was it again? The only type of grown men who run around with open flaps are perverts and deviants?” Steve grinned, and the whole group laughed at the newcomer.

“I did not say that! Stop lying! Shush, he can hear us. You’re going to get us killed!”

“Us? Or just a certain philandering fool who just so happens to be the same guy who hasn’t written my sister in the last three months? The way she pines kinda reminds me of that time you told me that the Great Lord Darwin w--”

“I’ll writer her! I’ll write her! Just quiet down.” The man’s white face had now fully submerged into a ghostly pale color as the panic continued to spread.

“Hmm. Maybe you should send her flowers. A real gentleman always sends flowers to a lady he is courting.”

“I’ll do anything, anything! Just keep it down will--”

              “Excuse me, can I help you?” Darwin said, much bemused by the fact the two were still going at it even though they had already come to a dead stop in front of him.

              “Yes, Lord Darwin, we’re here about the offer you extended us earlier,” Reginald spoke up, butting through the two men, who, upon realizing Darwin was listening to them, both went deathly quiet. “We have come to join you and seek refuge from the Animal Kingdom.”

              “Are you all that have come?”

              “No, Lord Darwin,” one of them spoke up. “Other than us, every one here is either the leader or a co-leader of their band of freedom fighters.”

“I’d say a few thousand, maybe three at most, Lord Darwin,” Reginald said.

“So I’m Lord Darwin now?” Darwin suddenly took note of the title change he was receiving from the guards.

“Well, the angry guy with the spear, Alex, he said that if we didn’t address you properly, he would kill us all,” Louie laughed. “I told him we were old friends, that I was there before you got all horned and whatnot, but he didn’t take no for an answer. Said, ‘You address the Lord Darwin improperly, and I will gut you on the spot.’ Right scary lad you’ve got there.”

“He’s a great man,” Darwin complimented Alex.
Sometimes, I'm not sure who is actually in charge here: me or him,
Darwin pondered for a minute. “Well, I’m glad to see you’ve decided to join us. We could use the help.”