The Bathrobe Knight: Volume 3 (15 page)

“We are not having this talk!” Kass said. “Right, Valerie?” Valerie, however, had frozen up.
Wow, your face is as red as your . . . Wait.
“Valerie, when did you get red eyes?”

“Yeah, did you put in contacts in real life? And they bled over into the game? Or wait, how did you give your character a makeover?” Mclean asked. “Does that mean I could get purple eyes in the game?!”

“Oh umm . . . I don’t know how this happened,” Valerie said as she self-consciously touched her face. “It just happened, and I don’t know why.”

Is she sad or happy about it?
Kass wasn’t entirely sure what was going on. It seemed like Valerie wanted to cry, but all that had been mentioned was the fact that she had red eyes.
Was this what she was asking about earlier when I first ran into her? Was this the difference she was expecting me to notice? This is so weird. If she was able to change her eye color, why does she look like she’s about to tear up?

“It’s probably from being in this guild so long. Maybe, over time, we’ll get red eyes too.” Daniel laughed and patted Valerie on the back like her new crimson irises were no big deal. “Don’t sweat the details. Anyway, back to this whole quest deal. I think our best game plan is to make a post on the forum and then pray for the best. We can offer EXP and items as rewards for those who join our cause. Hopefully, if we pitch this correctly, players will see us as a good source for both of those. But how do we stop the potential betrayal?”

“Yeah, they may treat this as an event where they can get both quest rewards,” Mclean said with a frown. “Unless we kill them all and do it properly.” After saying that, she pulled out her daggers and stabbed the air a few times. Minx joined in with her, shouting ‘yeah’ and mimicking Mclean’s knife play. “Just leave it to me. I’ll cut every one of them down, and the EXP will be all mine!” Mclean boasted.

“And mine!” Minx enthusiastically agreed. “You have to share with me too!”

“Enough, guys. This isn’t really the time to joke around.” Daniel’s voice almost sounded scolding as he tried to stop the two, his face as stern as ever.

“Daniel, it’s just like Darwin said: We don’t have a choice in the matter. We have to have faith in the players that sign up with us, that they won’t kill NPCs. But it’s not like it’ll be hard to make sure they don’t successfully go turncoat, you know?” Mclean shrugged.

“Huh?” Daniel asked, and even Kass found her face twisted up in confusion.

What am I missing? How will this not be difficult?
Kass wondered, desperately trying to put the pieces together.

“Look, avoiding them backstabbing us for this specific quest is going to be easy. It’ll be just like that time I gained five pounds over winter and wanted to lose weight by cutting out all the sugar in my diet.” Mclean pinched her belly. Kass wasn’t certain how her real-life figure looked, but her in game avatar didn’t have an ounce of fat to pinch. “I don’t have any willpower, so when I wanted to make sure I didn’t eat any sugar, all I did was not buy any. That simple.”

“That’s . . .” Kass’s eyes shot open wider than a lawyer’s mouth when she was trying to defend herself. “That’s brilliant!”

“Oh . . .” Daniel grimaced, almost like he was cursing himself for not figuring it out sooner. “So all we need to do is move the objective out of reach. Then we won’t have to worry about people turning on us to achieve it,” he said and nodded. “Mclean, don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re not the smartest one in the group.”

“Psh. You talkers always think that violence first makes for slower wit. It just means I don’t bog myself down with unnecessary details. Right, Minx? Now, all that Minx and I have to do is stab them all to death!” She threw a few more air stabs and then helped Minx back on top of Fuzzy Wuzzy.

“Alright, so, since the two objectives are a non-existent Hell-portal and Darwin, we really just only need to get rid of Darwin without him realizing it, I take it? So we don’t offend him?” Kass confirmed their line of thought. “It’s like we’re trying to throw a surprise birthday party for him, and we can’t let him home until the place is set up?”

“Right. Since Daniel and Kitchens already talked him into going to check out the town, we don’t have anything left to do.” Mclean’s boastful face further let them know that a lack of brains wasn’t one of her shortcomings. She had already spun an entire web while they were trying to catch the fly with chopsticks.

“Well played, well played,” Daniel laughed softly. His expression was hard to read, and Kass couldn’t tell if he was kicking himself or just admiring Mclean, but there was also a good chance it might have been a touch of both.

“We should probably also send Dad with Darwin,” Minx suggested.

“Any particular reason?” Kass asked, not entirely seeing the logic in giving up both of their most defensively-capable, front-line fighters.

“I think playing by yourself is lonely, that’s all.” Minx didn’t even look up from petting Fuzzy Wuzzy as she answered.

“True, but I could go with him instead.” Kass remembered Charles’s warning to stay by Darwin.
But I haven’t accepted the offer yet, so it’s not like I have to.

“Ah, I see your plan. Just the two of you, a nice quiet adventure by yourselves, him relying on you for support and you acting like the damsel in distress at just the right moment.” With each word Mclean used to lay out the romantic encounter, Kass could feel her face start to heat up and grow flushed. The only way that Mclean could have been more obvious is if she had started singing, ‘Darwin and Kass, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.’

“I . . .” Kass wanted to cover her reddening cheeks. She could feel the blush growing by the minute. “That wasn’t my intention at all! Besides, he’s way too old for you to be joking around about us like that!” she said, falling back on a long-retired excuse.

“Are you sure he’s too old? I mean, if that
were
your game plan, well, I suppose Minx, Valerie and I could make do. Otherwise, I agree that Kitchens should probably be the one to go with Darwin.” Mclean’s lips slowly curved up into a devilish grin, and Kass could almost hear Mclean laughing behind her teeth. It was as if her smile were really saying, ‘Your move, Kass.’

“Why Kitchens though?” Kass decided to switch attack routes.
Why am I fighting for this anyways?

“Dad spends all his free time with me. It’d be nice to see him hang out with a friend for once,” Minx replied. Fuzzy Wuzzy raised his head to nuzzle Minx as she was talking and almost knocked her off his back.

“Alright then, that’s settled. We’ll just tell the two that they’re off on a fancy quest by themselves when they get back, and the rest of us will hold down the fort and try to save the NPCs from evil questers!” Daniel’s face had lost a bit of color over the course of the conversation, but he turned things back to safer ground with a good helping of gusto.

Kass, realizing that Darwin would be spending the entire day away from her, was about to speak up and just take the bullet. Mclean’s grin finally split all the way into a laugh, and Daniel and Minx joined in as well. “Kass, you are way easier to tease about Darwin than Valerie,” Mclean said, chuckling so hard that a snort escaped.

Hmph. There’s really no shot of staying close to Darwin to get more info on Stephanie now, is there?
Kass deflated like a spent balloon.

Darwin
:

“Do you guys really have to change the logo and the color scheme?” Darwin grumbled at Justin Yoo. “Can we not just extend the length and reinforce the flap so Mr. Katana doesn’t kill me?”

“I want to see his bathrobe longer than a dress! It needs to go all the way down to his ankles!” Kitchens almost barked at Justin.

“Sir, we can’t do that. He still has to be able to move in combat,” Justin protested. Darwin agreed, but he wasn’t sure how to either voice his opinion or to calm the angry parent’s ire.

Did Minx even really see anything?
he asked himself, sparing a glance south before looking back at the furious father. “I’m actually going to agree with Justin. I don’t need it that long.” He felt his life expectancy drop with each word.

Kitchens, glaring at him, didn’t seem to want to budge on his demands. His left eye twitched twice before he finally just let out the breath he had been holding in, causing Darwin to do the same. “Fine, fine. Make it like it was before. Just remember to take his new height into consideration this time,” Kitchens said, giving up. Then he looked at Justin and started speaking as if Darwin weren’t there. “But if our fearless leader flashes my daughter one more time, you and I are both going to be looking for a new commander.”

“Uhh . . . Okay, sir.” Justin just shifted where he stood and then looked back at Darwin. “And, yes, the new design is necessary. We have picked out one that is perfect for you. What do you think?” He handed Darwin a scroll.

Darwin opened the rolled-up parchment up to see a design in the middle of it. The image was still a circle, but this time, instead of two swords crossed over a spoon, it was an image of his zweihander stabbing into a mountain over the background of a spoon.
So I guess the mountain is Lawlheima, and this is my sword.
“Are you guys going to make me get a new symbol for the bathrobe every time I switch up my weapons?”

Justin looked at one of the other Demons, the tailor he had called over when he had first asked for help. They both shrugged simultaneously and looked back at Darwin with such perfect coordination that a mirror would have struggled to mimic better timing. “Absolutely,” they said together.

Kitchens’ frown cracked upwards a bit on the sides. “It must be great to have such enthusiastic followers,” he said as he nudged Darwin with an elbow.

Yeah, just great.
“Wait . . . How come you got onto me but not Daniel?” Darwin voiced an obvious question he hadn’t thought about until just now.

Kitchens paused for a moment and then looked at Justin. "We need to also make sure that Daniel’s bathrobe is long enough too."

Ah, so it's just because you didn't think about him at the time
, Darwin chortled to himself a bit.
You didn't come to my defense, so don't expect me to come to yours
, he thought as he found himself unable to suppress a smile over Daniel’s new predicament.

"Alright, well, Justin, the design looks good. Just try to get the bathrobe back as soon as possible, will you?" Darwin pleaded with Justin to rush the process as the guard darted off into the dungeon. Technically, he didn't need to. The bathrobe they had lent him to change into so that they could work on the other was perfectly adequate. The only reason for the rush was that Darwin greedily wanted the bathrobe with higher stat bonuses back so he wouldn't have to choose between the extra attribute points or the time needed to make a return trip.
Well, I suppose one of them could easily bring me the bathrobe wherever I'm at like it was a pizza being delivered between spaceships in some futuristic movie . . . But that probably would lead to risks of its own, and I don't want to put tipping culture into this untainted video game world or be the first guy to stiff the delivery boy. Neither option would make me the good guy, would it?
He laughed at himself again.
Oh well, I can wait a few minutes, I guess.

"So are you sure that searching out this quest giver is such a good idea?" Kitchens scratched the side of his face. "It just seems like a bad idea . . . like you're upset a few worker bees are trying to attack you, so you're off to assault the hive."

"We can hope that it goes a little bit more smoothly than that, can't we?" Darwin chuckled. "But who knows? Maybe if your metaphor holds up, I'll find myself some honey."

"Are you sure that's okay to say? What if one of the girls finds out you were talking about risking your life for some new honeys?" Kitchens was the one to laugh this time. While he hadn't been doing it much earlier, Darwin should have guessed that Kitchens, being a father, would be very comfortable with bad wordplay and puns.

"Who says I am risking my life? It's not like dying in a video game will kill me in real life." Darwin felt very happy to be able to say this with confidence.

“Ah, that’s right. We have a few minutes, right?” Kitchens asked as he watched Justin fully disappear into the distance.

“Yeah, I suppose we do. Why?”

“Well, there’s still something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about . . .”

“Oh? What’s up?” Darwin wasn’t entirely in the mood for a serious conversation, but Kitchens had always been patient and heard him out, so there was no justifiable reason not to extend the same courtesy.

“Ah. Here. Hold this.” Kitchens handed him a giant wooden sword. It wasn’t nearly as large as his zweihander and resembled a wooden katana, but it was at least a foot longer and three times heavier than what someone would expect from such a weapon. Darwin had never seen or heard of such a practice weapon before.

“What’s this for?” Darwin looked at the sword, thinking that it might be a gift or something. No sooner did he open his mouth to ask why he had been handed the blade than Kitchens had already brandished one of his own and attacked him. The attack was simple, right down the middle with an overhead blow. Darwin raised his own weapon up to stop the blow, but the assault continued. The incoming sword struck Darwin’s and slid down it and off to his left. Darwin backed up and shifted his large bokken so that his hands, both of which were gripping the hilt, were on his left too.