The Bathrobe Knight: Volume 3 (43 page)

FlamAntis
: These giant, fiery praying mantis-like creatures are constantly honing their killing ability with the precision of a martial artist. Each day they live in this world of harrowing hatred for their kind is a trial. Each day of which they reach the end, a success. Their skills in combat are only surpassed by their long lifespan, a necessary attribute for the continuation of their species. After all, it takes years of being single for a male praying mantis to accept what will happen to him right after he mates. Maybe, just maybe, if one of the grooms didn’t ask their new bride to go make him a ham sandwich, they wouldn’t all end up dead.

Strengths
: Females get more than 77% of the male equivalent income for efforts.

Weaknesses
: Females never successfully collect child care.

Goldfish-Butterfly-Squirrel
: This creature is a clear jab at one creator’s inability to stay focused with every metaphor for losing one’s attention except a cat with a laser rolled up into one monstrously ugly and confusing creature. It’s almost hard to feel threatened. That said, the butterfly-winged flying furball with fish eyes and a fish tail is clearly not trying to threaten anyone, it’s just trying to make you laugh before you forget what it likely already has: that you’re supposed to kill it.

Strengths:
Nothing.

Weakness
: Shiny objects--Oh! Look at the flutterby!

Lava-bug
: Did the writer really just get so lazy he wrote out lava bug and pretended like it was a real race of mobs? How is this even specific? Let’s just ignore the rest of the details and pretend it was a pretty pink stuffed triceratops riding a unicycle and holding streamers at the same time, that were red like lava.

Strengths:
Has the ability to wave streamers in cool fashions.

Weaknesses:
Was kicked out of San Francisco after an incident on Castro street.

Mutant Boar:
Breeding experiments to produce the most flavorful slices of bacon have resulted in more violent, meaner, and deformed boars. That said, the bacon is in fact quite delicious, if it can be harvested.

Strengths
: Charging, or rather, running in a straight line.

Weakness
: Grills, frying pans,  

OctoStench
: The stink bug is by far one of nature’s cruelest jokes. Harmlessly fluttering around its entire life with no defense other than the fact that upon death it smells so rank most people are forced to hold their nose for fear of a wave of nausea overtaking them. OctoStench is what happens when that awful odor gets transformed into a spitting device, made poisonous, and thrown on top of eight legs. Just to make matters more amusing, they threw in sword arms--because sword arms.

Strengths
: Saves a ton on deodorant.

Weaknesses
: Saves on deodorant because even deodorant can’t cover up the awful smell.

Ogre
: Mean, clunky and bigger by the level. Often thought of as a savage and barbaric creature by those who hunt them for experience or items, the Ogre actually is a very calm creature who often seeks to achieve a state of inner peace and has thus discarded most, if not all, of its material possessions and desires. Unfortunately, living in a forest surrounded by aggressive adventurers has trained the Ogre to keep a maul as a form of self-defense.

Strengths:
Big. Big big. Super big.

Weaknesses
: Lazy and fond of comfortable places to rest when no-one is looking.

Rhino-Beetle
: These ever-horny deviants are constantly charging through the gambling arenas of Tiqpa. Caught, bred and then kept in tiny circular rooms where they wait for fights, many Tiqpa residents have complained about their inhumane treatment. Some, in a now infamous attempt, even tried to free one such imprisoned Rhino-Beetle, only to be gored and danced upon by the unchained beast as soon as the collar was removed.

Strengths
: Really good at charging forward.

Weaknesses
: Can’t bet on self.

Scorpatuar
: Half disfigured-looking humanoid, half-horse with an added scorpion tail just for kicks, this monster is a true work of nightmares. The tail lashes out faster than a news anchor’s tongue in a lopsided interview and rarely misses. While running may be a victim’s first instinct, rest assured the horse legs are not for decoration. Praying is a better use of time.

Strengths
: The Scorpataur is good at eating spicy food and tricking frogs.

Weaknesses
: The Scorpataur, like most horses, is susceptible to random hangings and sugar cubes.

Snow Cone, Black
: The Black Snow cone is a passive observer as the other colors skirmish, often lazing about and hoping for the best. After all, once the fight is lost, its fate is worse than death. A solution to the Snownicorns’ puzzle.

Strengths:
It doesn’t get killed during the fight.

Weaknesses:
Doesn’t real do anything, at all, during the fight.

Snow Cone, Blue
: Blue balls are familiar to many audiences, but none of them have ever tasted as good as these snow cones.

Strengths:
Extra tough arms.

Weaknesses:
Generally, doesn’t get the same amount of attention as the red snow cone.

Snow Cone, Red
: The real question in every person’s mind when they pick up a red snow cone, is: “Will it be strawberry or cherry?” Imagine the surprise when one person found a watermelon flavored one. After all, who even does that?

Strengths:
Powers up when angry. Irrational, moody, and filled with angst.

Weaknesses:
Chocolate and peanut butter.

Snow Cone, Yellow
: Don’t ask how this one was made.

Strengths:
Can produce shields that people, rightly so, don’t want to deal with.

Weaknesses:
Melts when listening to slow jams.

Turtle-Wolf
: Standing on two legs like a dog that thinks he is human, the wolf inside the shell has manlike hands tapered off with claws instead of paws and a twisting, swiveling long neck that lets you know the shell isn’t the only part of the creature that is turtle. It has all the defense of a fully-armored soldier coupled with the aggression of a rabid wolf.

Strengths
: Racing rabbits, chasing cars, tracking.

Weakness
: Standing up if pushed on its back, fence posts.

I’m Not a Racist, but
:

Human [Human]
: One look in the mirror will tell you everything you need to know about this often-frumpy, weak-muscled, overlooked race. Even in the real world they lack many characteristics gamers would value on a stat sheet, but for some reason they always seem to prevail. Be wary of doubting or underestimating the tenacity of the meek and cunning.

Bonus:
+1 stat point per level.

Minotaur [White-Horn]
: More bull than man, these lumbering giants may have many myths and stories revolving around how they were made, most with jokes about someone’s mother looking like a cow, but that doesn’t change the fact they are a massive force to be reckoned with on the battlefield. Favoring the axe and their brute power, they can cleave through most lines with little to no effort.

Bonus
: +5% Movement Speed in combat, +20% Movement Speed out of combat, +5% Power, +5% Damage when wielding axes, can’t wear shoes.

Satyr [White-Horn]
:
Satyrs don’t kid around when it comes to magic. These half-goat men are experts at manipulating nature and traversing rough terrain. With enough of them in an army, one is sure to control the weather--just don’t expect to keep your lawn.

Bonus:
+10% Casting Speed, +25% Movement Speed over rough terrain, +5% Cold Resistance.

Vampire [Black-Wing]
: Arguably the suckiest race in the game, Vampires have learned to embody the true spirit of a bat man. They thrive on the night and draw the life force out of any foe within reach during combat. With their large, dark, black wings, Lifesteal, and affinity for the night, the Vampire is a terror in the skies when the sun sets.

Bonus
:
Flying, +5% Lifesteal on Melee Attacks, +5% Increased Damage during nighttime.

Incubus/Succubus [Black-Wing]
: It’s always a common joke that a woman is a man’s worst enemy, or the other way around depending on who is saying it. And, by that logic, this race fits right in. An innate charm serves to disarm opponents of the opposite gender during combat. That said, there are far worse ways to die than in the presence of a sexy foe.

Bonus:
Flying, +5% Damage against opposite gender, +5% Damage bonus with whips.

Dragon-Wing [Black-Wing]
: There are few things more ferocious than a full-grown, fire-breathing, battle-worn dragon. Unfortunately, this is just a cheap knockoff version. They have a great deal of health like the dragons they take their name from and are excellent at resisting fire. Even if they aren’t actually dragons, they do make great dragon hunters.

Bonus
: Flying, +10% Vitality, +25% Fire Resistance.

White-Wing [Sun God Empire]
: The White-Wings are what people first wanted angels to be: humans with giant sets of wings. This race has mastered prison fighting and learned to wield the shiv with expert dexterity. Contrary to all the chicken jokes though, they do not run from fights.

Bonus
: Flying, +10% Damage with daggers, -10% Damage with all other weapons, +5% Armor bonus when wearing low-weight armor.

Fire-Walker [Sun God Empire]
: Love the fresh smell of napalm in the morning? Fire-Walkers sure do. They may have given up smoking cigarettes, but they’ve permanently solved the lighter issue. With feet always on fire and flames shooting out of any body part, Fire-Walkers have trouble handling normal weapons and developed their own unique crafting system to compensate.

Bonus
: -50% Damage with non-glass weapons, cannot wear shoes, +10% Damage with glass. weapons, Fire Manipulation, Fire Creation, Fire Crafting.

Demon
[StormGuard Alliance]
: No one knows where they came from or when they arrived, but this mysterious race of red-eyed, black-haired human look-alikes is feared and respected by those who know better.

Bonus
: Locked stat growth, unique abilities, unusually high stat growth

Canine [Were-Beast]
: Between dodging flees, chasing carts and harassing friendly delivery men, it’s a wonder the Canines ever manage to get anything done. One might be better off just adopting them and providing them with a little kibble, belly rubs (their favorite) and a scratch behind the ears rather than trying to fight one. It’s best to let sleeping dogs lie, especially when they’re engrossed in their favorite activity: sleep. Never try to discount their incredible loyalty and teamwork in battle. Where one Canine might be deadly, five are nearly unstoppable. Don’t press the pack.

Bonus
: +1% to Power, Speed, Vitality for every friendly Canine, including self, in the party [Up to 8% max]; +10% Movement speed; -20% Movement Speed when near fire hydrants.

Feline [Were-Beast]
: Few people know that Felines were actually a race of aliens that came to Tiqpa to enslave humanity after losing a galactic war with the laser pointer-wielding dog people. While these dogs have nothing to do with the Canines on Tiqpa, the grudge still remains. They are also often mistaken with their more feral, less civilized Panthera cousins.

Bonus
: +5% to all stats when traveling alone, +5% Speed, +5% Damage with daggers, movement produces 50% less sound.

Panthera [Were-Beast]
: Lions and tigers and Pantheras, oh my!  These night time thugs come with built in jump suits that are pre-striped or dotted, hunting down their prey and turning them into homicide victims before they even had a chance to notice something was amiss. While they may seem like the perfect Ninjas, very few of them ever pounce on that opportunity instead choosing to rush into battle claws first.

Bonus
: +5% Power, +5% Movement Speed in combat, +15% Damage on initial hit, +20% Movement Speed out of combat, has night vision, movement produces 50% less sound.

Reptilian [Were-Beast]
: Before pondering the nature of a Reptilian, know that they pondered it first. After all, they spend most of their time forming questions regarding philosophical rhetoric and contemplating the nature of the universe. These cold-blooded theorists will generally explore the mysteries of the universe alone, unheard by men or reason, over a cup of black tea served with crumpets. Unfortunately, no man has ever seen this side of them. The few Humans that have ever made it into their dwellings are usually found in the morning skewered on a freshly-planted spike in the gardens outside their homes.