The Birth Order Book

Ever wonder why:

• all the cubs in the family den are so different?

• you always butt heads with a certain family member?

• kid #1 pairs up with kid #3 when there’s a family stand-off?

• kids #2 and #4 are always united against kid #3?

• everybody guesses you’re the oldest child in your family, and you’re a middleborn?

• the firstborn and secondborn in your family are night and day different?

• the baby of the family always gets away with everything?

• your perfectionistic firstborn sibling gets along so well with her fun-loving, practical joker, baby-of-the-family spouse?

• you pick the friends you do?

• you picked someone so different from you to marry?

• the slightest error you make ruins your day?

• you butt heads with the child most like you, rather than the child most different from you?

• your coworker is the way he/she is (and how you can get along with him/her)?

Then read on. This book will change your life.
I guarantee it.

The
Birth
Order
Book

The
Birth
Order
Book

Why You Are
the Way You Are

——— Revised and Updated ———

Dr.
Kevin
Leman

© 1985, 1998, 2009 by Kevin Leman

Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.revellbooks.com

Printed in the United States of America

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Leman, Kevin.
    The birth order book : why you are the way you are / Kevin Leman.
      p. cm.
    Rev. ed. of: The new birth order book : why you are the way you are. 2nd ed.
  1998.
    Includes bibliographical references.
    ISBN 978-0-8007-3406-0 (pbk.)
    1. Birth order. I. Leman, Kevin. New birth order book. II. Title.
  BF723.B5L46 2009
  155.9 24—dc22

2009020404

To protect the privacy of those who have shared their stories with the author, some details and names have been changed.

To my firstborn, lovable, perfectionist Holly.
Your sense of fair play, creativity, love for God, and sensitivity to others make me proud to be your dad. I love you very much.

With special recognition to:

My firstborn sister, Sally,
with apologies for awakening you on at least one occasion by dangling a juicy night crawler under your nose. You are a very special sister.

Dr. John E. Leman Jr. (Jack),
my secondborn older brother and hero, whom I faithfully followed on more than one propitious childhood occasion when you tried to lose me in the woods. Thanks, Jack, for threatening to beat the tar out of the neighborhood bully for me.

May and John Leman,
my sweet mom and dad, who can now rest in peace, knowing they did a great job of raising three pretty good kids who loved them deeply.

Contents

Guess the Birth Order

Introduction
Maybe Abel Did Have It Coming

1. Birth Order
Does It Really Make Sense?

2. But Doc, I Don’t Fit the Mold!
Birth Order Variables—Part 1

3. What’s Parenting Got to Do with It?
Birth Order Variables—Part 2

4. First Come, First Served
Firstborns

5. How Good Is “Good Enough”?

6. Perfect—or Excellent?

7. The Lonely Only, Super Firstborn
Only Children

8. I Never Did Get No Respect
The Middle Child

9. Born Last but Seldom Least
The Baby of the Family

10. The Winning Edge in Business
Getting Behind Others’ Eyes

11. Birth Order Marriages Aren’t Made in Heaven

12. I Count Only When . . .
What Are You Really Telling Yourself?

13. Flaunt Your Imperfections
Parenting Firstborns and Only Children

14. Two May Be Company . . . or a Crowd
Parenting the Two-Child Family

15. Taking Off the Squeeze
Parenting the Middle Child

16. Helping the Family “Cub” Grow Up
Parenting the Lastborn

Epilogue
There’s Only One Thing You Can’t Do Without

“Guess the Birth Order” Quiz Answers

US Presidents and Their Birth Order

Notes

About Dr. Kevin Leman

Resources by Dr. Kevin Leman

Guess the Birth Order

F
irstborn or only child, middle child, or lastborn/baby of the family? Venture a guess, then check page 327 to see if your answers match.

1. My sister was a charming show-off—make that a con artist who got away with everything—when we were growing up. Now she’s the top salesperson in her company and highly successful.

2. I’d rather read people than books. I like solving problems and am comfortable being surrounded by people.

3. My brother Al was nicknamed “Albert Einstein” because he was so good in math and science. He’s an engineer now and a conscientious perfectionist.

4. I don’t know how my husband does it. His workshop is an absolute mess, but whenever he wants to find something, he knows exactly which pile it’s in.

5. My friend is a bit of a maverick. She has a lot of friends but values her independence. She’s a good mediator in arguments. She’s about as opposite from her sister as you can get.

6. I get along better with older people than I do my peers. Some people think I’m stuck-up or self-centered. But in actuality, I’m not.

Introduction
Maybe Abel Did Have It Coming

H
ave you ever wondered why your sister or your brother is so different from you? After all, you grew up in the same family, yet you act so differently and see things so differently. You often view the same childhood experiences through completely different lenses and have opposite responses. How can that be?

Do you wonder why you continue to butt heads with a certain son or daughter of yours—but with the other children it’s smooth sailing? Or why you can’t quite see eye to eye with your boss or a certain co-worker?

Do you wonder why you feel compelled to act a certain way—like you’ve been programmed? Why you pick the friends you do? Why you’re attracted to a certain type of person to marry (and who’s really best for you)? Why you always find yourself being the one to mediate between two warring parties at work? Why you struggle day to day with never being good enough?

All of the answers to these questions have everything to do with birth order. Think of your family as a tree. Your mom and dad (or mom or dad, if you’re from a single-parent family) form the trunk of the tree. The children in the family are the branches. Have you ever seen a tree where all the branches are growing in the exact same direction? The same is true with children. One of the best predictions in life is that whatever the firstborn in a family is, the secondborn in the family will go in a different (and oftentimes opposite) direction.

Think of the story of good ol’ Cain and Abel, way back in time— the firstborn and secondborn brothers who got sibling rivalry off to a vicious start. If any brothers could be different, those two were. One was a gardener, work-with-the-earth type. The other was a shepherd, animal-lover type. To say there was jealousy when one was treated “better” than the other is a vast understatement. And you know where all that led. . . . That’s why, when I first presented the idea of this book to my publisher, I wanted to call it
Abel Had It Coming
. But the editors and the movers and shakers (all firstborns or only children, by the way) shook their heads and won out against this lastborn of the family. So now, voilà! We have the descriptive and exciting title
The Birth Order Book
.

Do you wonder why you feel compelled to act a certain way—like you’ve been programmed?

For over thirty-five years as a psychologist, I’ve studied birth order and the role it plays in making you the person you were growing up—and the person you are today.

Many psychologists believe that birth order has to do with only the ordinal position (the order in which you and your siblings were born) in the family. But if it were that simple, why would you need a book on it? After all, if you can do any math at all, it would be easy to figure out if you were a firstborn, middleborn, or lastborn.

Here’s the rub. What if you’re a middleborn but you act like a firstborn? Or what if you’re a firstborn but you act more like a middleborn? Or what about if you are fourth in a group of seven siblings, spread thirteen years apart? Or what if you are the only boy in a family of three girls? The only girl in a family of four boys? What if the firstborn has mental or physical challenges? What is your birth order then?

With more than three decades of seeing the truth played out in the lives of the families I counsel, I am convinced that birth order isn’t as simple as most “experts” try to make it. To my knowledge, I’m the only psychologist who takes into consideration all the variables, including the functional position (which I’ll explain in this book).

So no, birth order isn’t simple, but it is easy to figure out with the information you’ll read in this book. And once you figure out your birth order, as well as the birth orders of those you love, you’ll be way ahead of everyone else in the game of life. By the time you’ve finished reading
The Birth Order Book
, you’ll understand yourself better, your loved ones better, your friends better, and your co-workers and boss better, and you’ll be able to navigate relationships in all arenas of life much more easily.

Once you figure out your birth order, as well as the birth orders of those you love, you’ll be way ahead of everyone else in the game of life.

If you’re a parent, I’ll reveal the secrets of how you can best parent your firstborn, middleborn, and lastborn, and why treating everyone “equally” isn’t the best
modus operandi
.

If you’re married (or thinking about walking that flower-strewn aisle), I’ll give you some tips about which birth order combinations make for the smoothest-flowing marriages (and why), and what you can do to make your relationship thrive— no matter your birth order—if you’re already married.

If you’re in the business world (part-time, full-time, at home, away from home) or you do volunteer work, community service, etc., you’ll learn how to use your natural birth order to the best of your abilities, while also getting along with and encouraging your co-workers.