The Birth Order Book (4 page)

When you think about it, isn’t everything in life about relationships? If you walked onto a car lot and no salesman greeted you with a smile, how would you buy a car, and how would he make a sale? Business is all about relationships.

How does your branch fit on your family’s tree? All of us sprout in our own unique direction and make our own unique contributions.

And what about relationships with friends or acquaintances? Isn’t it interesting that, in making friends, birds of a feather do flock together? You identify with friends of the same birth order. If you don’t believe me, just do a poll of your friends and see what their birth orders are. For example, every summer we spend time in western New York State, where I grew up. My wife, my sister, and the wife of my lifelong friend Moonhead—all firstborns—love to go together to yard sales, antique shops, and arts and crafts shows. They enjoy passionately pursuing the same kinds of treasures. (I call them “expensive junk”—out of their hearing, of course.)

Is it true that people who are very much alike get along best in marriage? No, most often marriage partners who are too alike don’t get along well because they’re always treading on each other’s territory. (It’s why you don’t often see two tax accountants married to each other.) Couples who are different from each other and work to understand and appreciate those differences are the ones who get along best. Good ol’ variety is the spice of life.

As the people I’ve counseled better understand birth order, they’ve been able to turn their lives around. For example, Jan finally understood why her husband, John, was always so picky. And John gained insight into Jan’s “little girl” ways that were driving him more bonkers by the day. Birth order also helps Mom and Dad get a handle on why 10-year-old Fletcher can go through life oblivious to his open fly and C+ average while his 13-year-old sister has straight As—and a good start on an ulcer.

Good ol’ variety is the spice of life.

Guessing Who’s Firstborn

Wherever I go, I make it a fun hobby to guess the birth order of waitresses, cab drivers, or the people who attend the marriage and parenting seminars I conduct around the country.

For example, during a seminar I take a quick look around and spot ten people I believe are firstborn or only children. For this first spot-check, I go just by physical appearance. The folks I pick look like they’ve stepped off the cover of
Glamour
magazine or out of an ad for Brooks Brothers suits. They’re easy to spot because every hair is in place and they are color coordinated from head to toe. Right there in front of everyone I go out on a limb and guess that each person I select is a firstborn or only child. I usually hit nine out of ten—and often ten out of ten.

This “prediction” starts a nervous rustling in the crowd, who begins to think I’m doing some sort of parlor trick (or that I’m a fugitive from a psychic hotline). Then I begin to explain.

The typical firstborn is usually easy to recognize. They’re almost always neatly dressed and well groomed. The lastborns? They’re the ones still hanging around talking by the punch bowl at the back of the room, and they haven’t even realized I’ve started to speak yet. The middle children are the hardest of all to identify, because they’ve learned to negotiate that middle ground so successfully that the lines of who they are can become blurred, depending on which other birth orders they’re spending time with.

When I finish explaining, I can see the “aha” on the seminar attendees’ faces, because they’ve recognized themselves—and the truth about birth order—in my statements.

Sometimes I also do a birth order demonstration at my seminars. While in Phoenix recently, I picked a man out of the audience. In eight minutes I easily identified his birth order as well as that of his wife by asking only a few questions. When I asked him to describe himself, he said he was a loner and a reader and he appreciated order in his life. (Are you getting any clues yet?) Then I asked him to describe his mother. When he said she was
very
loving,
very
concerned about him,
very
intuitive, and a
very
good mom, I knew I had a firstborn on my hands.

When he said she was
very
loving,
very
concerned about him,
very
intuitive, and a
very
good mom, I knew I had a firstborn on my hands.

My next question was whether or not he had married his opposite birth order (which supposedly guarantees more happiness) or whether he had possibly “married his mother.” Oh yes, I had his mother pegged as a perfectionist, because she had been
very
loving and concerned about him. It was my guess that his wife was also very loving but had a critical eye a mile wide and was as powerful as they come. So I went out on a limb a bit and speculated that his wife was quite protective and a perfectionist, that there was a right way to approach her, and that she probably liked to handle things herself. “My guess is, when you’re driving, she’s quick to criticize you,” I said.

“Worse than that,” he said. “She doesn’t let me drive.”

“Oh,
you’re
the guy!” I said. “I saw you go by the other day. You were in the back, buckled into your car seat.”

Just then his wife, who was sitting back in the audience, clapped her hand over her mouth and said very loudly, “Oh my gosh, I’m just like my mother!” No doubt she is. With birth order in families, what goes around comes around. Can you see it in your family too?

I Batted .500 on
The Today Show

What about spotting babies of the family? They are often easy to identify. For example, while being interviewed by Katie Couric, former cohost of
The Today Show
, I told her that she was a baby in her family, probably with two older brothers and two older sisters.

It turned out I was one brother off, but Katie’s mouth still dropped open and she sort of stuttered, “Well, yes. But how did you know?”

I quickly explained that while she was beautifully dressed and perfectly groomed, her perky, affectionate nature gave her away. As she worked with Bryant Gumbel, she often touched him or grabbed his arm—her very engaging nature came across loud and clear. Off camera Katie let me know she didn’t like being called “perky” very much, but she had to admit I was right. The whole birth order concept still struck her as rather mysterious. I could tell that the staff who had been filming the interview enjoyed it too—they were chuckling.

When Roles Are Reversed

Sometimes extenuating circumstances tweak the natural birth order sequence. The result is that a laterborn child may act like a firstborn, or a firstborn can seem to have characteristics that are inconsistent with the way firstborns are “supposed” to act.

Everyone was certain that Alan—a capable, bright firstborn—would fly high in the broadcasting world. Just three years below him was a younger brother, Luke. Interestingly, both ended up in broadcasting, but Luke was the one who stole the limelight.

Sometimes extenuating circumstances tweak the natural birth order sequence. The result is that a laterborn child may act like a firstborn, or a firstborn can seem to have characteristics that are inconsistent with the way firstborns are “supposed” to act.

Now why was that? You see, sometimes a lastborn inherits the firstborn role by default due to . . .

But wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. All that is coming up next.

2
But Doc, I Don’t Fit the Mold!
Birth Order Variables—Part 1

I
was just getting ready to speak at a conference about birth order when a guy stalked up to me. He was red faced and angry. “Wait just a minute, Leman,” he said. “I’ve read all the stuff on birth order. Those descriptions don’t fit my family at all. I’m the baby of my family, and I’m the most responsible one of the bunch. Not only that, but I’m the only one who reads. The rest just stare at the boob tube. How do you explain that?” He crossed his arms and glared at me, waiting for my answer.

Explain that I can, and a lot more. The so-called inconsistencies that occur when someone doesn’t seem to fit into the typical birth order mold are only signposts pointing to what really is the most entertaining (and informative) part of birth order theory. To understand these signposts, you need to know the psychological term
family constellation
— or, as I prefer to call it, the
family zoo
. Over the years I’ve counseled a lot of desperate mothers who have three or four little ankle-biters driving them up the wall. When I talk about the family zoo, these moms know
exactly
what I mean.

How any parent can have two, three, or more little critters in their particular family zoo who are so distinctly different is a question that birth order can help to answer. But you have to be aware of the variables—the different factors or forces that have an impact on each person, no matter what his or her birth order may be.

The variables for birth order include:

spacing
—the number of years between children

the sex of each child
—and in what sequence males and females are born

physical, mental, or emotional differences
—yes, genes are important

sibling deaths
—which, if occurring early, cause the child below to be “bumped up” to the next birth order

adoptions
—which may or may not have an effect on birth order, depending on how old the child is when adopted

the birth order position of each parent
—because, for example, firstborn parents usually run a much different and tighter ship than laterborns

the relationship between the parents
—and the parenting style they use as they pass on their personal values to their children

the critical eye of a parent
—because constant criticism takes its toll

the blending of two families due to death or divorce
— because, for example, in a stepfamily certain birth orders often get stepped on

Birth Order: Not as Simple as 1-2-3

The reason birth order looks inconsistent to some folks is because they think (like the majority of “experts”) that it’s some kind of simple ordinal system based on birth rank. Firstborn children in a family are supposed to be this, secondborns are always like that, and thirdborn siblings are always another way.

Some children act and appear very different from their ordinal birth order.

But some children act and appear very different from their ordinal birth order. And even when children seem to fit the typical descriptions of their ordinal birth order (#1, #2, etc.), they can exhibit characteristics of other birth orders. That’s where the variables come in. They can cause a child born in one birth position to function, at least in part, with characteristics of another birth position.

For example, my son, Kevin II, was born right in the middle of the Leman family. He has two older sisters and two younger sisters. That gives him an overall ordinal position of “middle” in the family. However, he was also the baby—he was at the tail end of his two older sisters for five and a half years before his younger sister Hannah came along. And as the only son in the family, he is also a functional firstborn. So Kevin has the best of all worlds!

All birth orders have certain tendencies and general characteristics, but the key to understanding birth order is identifying and examining the dynamic, fluid relationships existing between members of the family. And that’s where the variables can cause functional birth order characteristics—when a child born in one birth order functions like a child who is born in another.

The key to understanding birth order is identifying and examining the dynamic, fluid relationships existing between members of the family.

The rest of this chapter will focus on the most obvious variables that can be seen in children—spacing; sex; and mental, physical, or emotional differences. We’ll also consider less discussed variables, such as multiple births, the death of a sibling, and adopted siblings.

Spacing Can Create More Than One “Family”

An obvious and crucial birth order variable in any family is spacing—when each child arrives. Whenever you think of spacing, you should include the phenomenon called
dethronement
of the firstborn, which happens the minute a little brother or sister comes into the world. Until that moment, the firstborn has been number one and the apple of everyone’s eye. Suddenly there is another little apple on the branch (and it’s smaller, cuter, and new to the family tree). The firstborn is no longer the only one who’s special, and he may suffer some serious self-esteem problems if his parents don’t make sure they let him know that he’s still loved very much.

Many parents try to have their children two years apart (actually three is “ideal”), but these best-laid plans often go awry. Gaps of five to six years or more in the spacing of the children can create another “family.” I say
can
since the other variables may come into play. For example, with the five-year gap between me and my older brother, I could have started a second family and become a functional firstborn, but other things intervened. To show you how a second family can actually occur, let’s look at the example below: