The Birth Order Book (28 page)

What’s the best combination for a happy, satisfying, lifetime marriage? Find someone with a different birth order.

Following is a quick rundown on six birth order combinations and why they tend to go wrong or right in a marriage, plus some practical tips for each combination. Keep in mind that there are no guarantees that a certain birth order combination will lead automatically to a successful or miserable marriage. But the point is that there are
indicators
in birth order information that can help a couple deal with any tensions they may have.

Tips for Firstborn + Firstborn Marriage

1. Stop “improving” on things your spouse does or says.

2. Stop “shoulding” your mate.

3. Define roles carefully to avoid arguments over control.

4. Get rid of the we’ve-got-to-do-it-my-way attitude.

Firstborn Plus Firstborn
Equals Power Struggle

As we’ve already seen with George and Shirley, when perfectionistic firstborns get together, there is a butting of heads (i.e., a power struggle). The issues usually focus on perfectionism and who has control. If you are a firstborn or an only child married to another firstborn or only child, here are some tips for reducing tension and increasing harmony in your marriage:

1.
Stop “improving” on things your spouse does or says.
To a perfectionist, this may be a real trick, but bite your tongue and do it anyway. What your tongue says determines the direction (and often the longevity) of your marriage.

2.
Stop “shoulding” your mate.
For firstborn perfectionists, criticism is second nature. If you are being hard on yourself and/or your mate, lower that high-jump bar of life. Once you quit trying to jump so high, you can stop asking your mate to do so as well.

3.
Define roles carefully to avoid arguments over control.
In other words, decide who does what. One spouse can do the shopping while the other pays the bills and balances the checking account. Help your spouse with assigned tasks and try to be considerate and aware of his or her responsibilities. For example, if one spouse does the shopping, the other should not complain about the high grocery bill. I counseled one couple where the perfectionist, critical husband complained incessantly about this until his wife told him, “Okay,
you
shop this week.” He did and came home in “sticker shock,” never to complain again!

4.
Get rid of the we’ve-got-to-do-it-my-way attitude.
There’s more than one way to do things (and your way isn’t necessarily best). One of the best sentences any firstborn perfectionist can learn to say to his or her firstborn spouse is, “You may be right. Let’s try it your way.”

Firstborns Find Middleborns a Paradox

The firstborn who marries a middleborn should first take comfort in the fact that middles have the best track record for building a lasting marriage. At the same time, the middle child can be a vexing paradox. Middle children grow up having to learn to negotiate, mediate, and compromise, but they can also be secretive and play it close to the vest with their emotions. Middle children typically will throw their firstborn spouses a bone once in a while without letting them know how they really feel.

Tips for Firstborn + Middleborn Marriage

1. Make it a point to have regular recaps and discuss feelings and what is happening.

2. Make your spouse feel special.

3. If you’re the firstborn, work on drawing out your middle child spouse.

Some practical suggestions for firstborns married to middles include the following:

1.
Make it a point to have regular recaps and discuss feelings and what is happening.
Do not let your spouse toss you a bone by saying, “Everything’s fine.” Ask what your spouse means by “fine.”

Daily recaps—or a recap at least every few days—are valuable in any marriage but are particularly useful if one mate tends to be less inclined to share feelings.

2.
Make your spouse feel special.
Remember that the middle child husband or wife very likely did not grow up feeling special, so anything you do—small gifts, love notes, saying
sincere
little things he or she likes to hear—will touch the heart and strengthen your marriage. While the following applies to every birth order, it’s especially good for the firstborn husband of the middle child wife to remember: every day a wife asks in one way or another, “Do you really love me?” Every day she needs your affirming answer.

3.
Work on drawing out your middle child spouse.
Keep in mind that as a firstborn, your natural inclination is to give the answer, solve the problem. Instead, back off and ask, “What do you think?” “Tell me how you really feel,” or “Tell me more.” Firstborn husbands of middleborn wives should always ask for their opinion, particularly on issues of people and feelings. Middleborns are not only more perceptive, but they also like the problem-solving role and smoothing a way for everyone.

Firstborn Plus Lastborn Equals Bliss (Usually)

According to a study of three thousand families, the odds for a happily-ever-after increase a great deal when the firstborn marries the lastborn.
2
At work here is the opposites-attract-and-are-good-for-each-other factor. The firstborn teaches the lastborn little things that may be lacking, such as being organized and having goals, while the lastborn helps the firstborn lighten up and not take an overly serious approach to life.

Every day a wife asks in one way or another, “Do you really love me?” Every day she needs your affirming answer.

According to the researchers, the best possible match you can find is the firstborn or only female and the lastborn male. I took no part in this research, so I can’t be accused of making this claim, because that happens to be the match Sande, my firstborn wife, and I have. I’m just
very
thankful it happened.

Firstborn females are often mothering types, and lastborn males often need mothering. I was fortunate to be the lastborn brother of my firstborn sister, Sally. Eight years older, she mothered me quite a bit and taught me a lot about women. For example, she taught me that girls don’t like being approached by a bunch of boys who are show-offs— pushing each other, talking loudly, and doing stupid things that guys often do. Sally also told me that girls want a guy who is tender, understanding, and a listener, who realizes manners have not gone out of style.

Most marriage counselors agree that men do not understand women very well. So
any
extra learning a boy can get while growing up is going to help him later when he has a wife and family of his own. Of course, I certainly didn’t come into my own marriage a finished product. I still needed some work, and Mama Bear was happy to oblige.

Tips for Firstborn + Lastborn Marriage

1. If you’re the firstborn, don’t let the lastborn spouse take advantage of you.

2. Firstborns prone to fault finding must back off.

3. If you’re the lastborn, remember that others need the spotlight too.

4. If you’re the lastborn, remember that you’re not a one-man team.

Good marriages are made, not born. Two people must work together on being considerate, caring, and mutually supportive.

It may be a good rule of thumb to say that any combination of firstborn and lastborn has a better chance for marital success than do other combinations, but success doesn’t follow automatically. Good marriages are made, not born. Two people must work together on being considerate, caring, and mutually supportive.

When I married Sande, it was a classic matchup of the pleaser Mama Bear taking on the playful Cub. Naturally the Cub took advantage of his new caregiver. Sande had to put up with my fussy eating habits and picking up my clothes wherever I dropped them.

This went on through the early years of our marriage. One day, while I was working on my doctorate, Sande heard me expound on how to discipline children and hold them accountable for their actions. The light dawned.
If holding children accountable for their actions is good, then holding a husband accountable might be even better
, Sande thought. She went into action.

Soon I found my piles of clothing where I had left them. In no time the apartment became covered with my piles. Then came the day when I could not open the door because Sande had shoved a giant stack of my clothes against it to make room for whatever she was doing.
That
got my attention. Sande and I had a long overdue talk and shared our feelings.

She said, “Look, I want to be your wife, not your mother. You learn to pick up your own clothes and put them where they belong. Also, I’m going to fix different things for dinner. I expect you to at least try some new dishes. You owe that much to yourself and to our children if you want to be the good role model you keep talking about.”

I said, “Okay, I’ll try to do better, but you have to promise me that you’ll serve only canned peas and corn—no frozen peas!”

Learning to pick up my clothes and eating different foods was just a start as Cubby Bear learned how to grow up and become Papa Bear.

Here are some tips for firstborn/lastborn couples:

1.
If you’re the firstborn, don’t let the lastborn spouse take advantage of you.
Sande was gentle spirited but firm. She started expecting me to be a leader in our home and to take an active role in meeting responsibilities. At times, she reminded me of my high school English teacher—the one in whose class I
never
goofed off because I knew better. I even learned that changing diapers is not off-limits for a psychologist with a doctor’s degree, and when our children started to arrive, I did my share of diapers, baths, and other baby care. In short, Mama Bear taught Papa Bear that parenthood isn’t women’s work. And I’m so glad she did.

2.
Firstborns prone to fault finding must back off.
If you want to find your lastborn spouse’s flaws, you certainly can, because they’re all over the place. Accept all the flaws you can or make gentle suggestions on how to correct them. And if you’re the lastborn, remember not to flaunt your flaws in your firstborn spouse’s face.

3.
If you’re the lastborn, remember that others need the spotlight too.
Lastborns are notorious carrot seekers, as in, “Look at me, I’m performing—toss me a carrot.” Your firstborn spouse may act as if they don’t need any attention or strokes, but they do, and you should provide some.

4.
If you’re the lastborn, remember that you are not a one-man team.
Because you have that firstborn spouse who is probably keeping things organized and running smoothly, you as a lastborn may impetuously go off on your own now and then—to buy something, schedule something, or just do something without letting your spouse know.

One of the best bits of wisdom I ever received concerning marriage came from Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family and author of such best-sellers as
Dare to Discipline
,
The Strong-Willed Child
, and
Hide or Seek
. An only child, Dr. Dobson is scholarly, organized, conscientious, and reliable. So one day while Sande and I were having lunch with him, I asked, “Jim, if there was one bit of advice you could give to me, what would it be?”

Before you do anything,
whatever it is
, run it by your spouse first.

He glanced at Sande and then back at me. “Kevin,” he said, “before you do anything,
whatever it is
, run it by Sande first.”

Obviously Dr. Dobson’s advice applies to
any
birth order marriage match, but it especially applied to the lastborn Cub and Mama Bear! I said to myself,
If an only child with Jim Dobson’s credentials thinks that’s a good idea, then I do too!
I’ve tried to follow his advice ever since, and it has
always
paid off.

Middle Plus Middle Can Equal a Muddle

As we have seen, two married middle children will probably not communicate well. They tend to feel it isn’t worth the hassle to confront each other. They may also discount the value of their own opinions. These attitudes are typical of middle children.

Tips for Middle + Middle Marriage

1. Build up each other’s self-esteem.

2. Provide plenty of space for outside friendships.

3. Do special things for each other.

4. Above all, show each other mutual respect.

One simple little device I have used with great success when counseling a middle married to a middle is the suggestion bowl. Place a clear bowl or jar in a prominent place where both of you can see it and deposit your suggestions in it. Keep pads of paper and pencils or pens handy. The husband should use one color of paper, the wife another. When the husband wants to tell his wife something, he writes a suggestion on his pad and drops it into the bowl. And when the wife wants to give hubby a suggestion, she does the same. Some spouses—particularly men—think the suggestion bowl is too much of a crutch, but I talk them into trying it anyway because, the fact is, some of us simply can’t look our mate in the eye and tell him or her what is on our mind.