The Birth Order Book (29 page)

Some other tips to keep the middle child marriage healthy include the following:

1.
Build up each other’s self-esteem.
Middle children often have a poor to only fair self-image, so let your spouse know you appreciate his or her strengths and abilities. Be sure to make sincere comments, not obvious pat-on-the-head remarks designed to flatter or manipulate.

2.
Provide plenty of space for outside friendships.
Remember that as middle children, you both are probably big on having friends and social acquaintances. Encourage each other to make these kinds of contacts, but only with the same sex. Keep your marriage and your intimacy as a couple at the forefront of your activities.

3.
Do special things for each other.
I’ve already mentioned this, but it bears repeating: middle children usually don’t grow up feeling very special because they are squeezed and ignored. You don’t have to spend a lot of time and money to do something special. Love notes are always good. A single rose, a small bottle of cologne, a special dinner—it’s definitely the thought, not the amount of money, that counts.

4.
Above all, show each other mutual respect.
You show respect when you telephone if you’re running late; check with your spouse before making commitments; refrain from talking about your marriage in front of others; back each other up in front of the children, particularly on discipline matters; and never bad-mouth each other in the presence of others.

Middle Child Plus Baby—a Pretty Good Match

According to birth order studies, middle children and lastborns rank right up there as potentially successful pairings for marriage. The middle child, typically strong in negotiating and compromising, pairs up well with a socially outgoing baby of the family.

Tips for Middle + Baby Marriage

1. If you’re the middle child, work things out but guard against being condescending to your lastborn spouse.

2. If you’re the middle child, blend your social interests with your lastborn spouse’s desire to have fun.

3. If you’re the lastborn, realize you have a selfish streak and a desire to hold the spotlight. Work at backing off.

4. If you’re the lastborn, don’t have fun at your spouse’s expense.

And somewhat paradoxically, this kind of marriage has a high probability for good communication—sharing feelings and rolling with the punches. Yes, I know I said earlier that middle children tend to clam up and not share emotions, but the plus factor here is that middle children are not as threatened by babies of the family as they might be by meticulous, exacting firstborns. So the odds—and remember, all of these birth order pairing observations go by the odds—are good for decent communication.

Here are some tips for making a fairly good blend even better:

1.
If you’re the middle child, work things out but guard against being condescending to your lastborn spouse.
Lastborn mates will smell that in a moment, because people have been writing them off in a condescending way all their lives.

2.
If you’re the middle child, blend your social interests with your lastborn spouse’s desire to have fun.
If you’re a typical middle child, friends are important, and you enjoy having people over and having other social outreaches. If your lastborn mate is typical, he or she will always be ready for adventure and trying something new. When daily connections and pressures make it impossible to get away, the middle child spouse should grant in fantasy that which is impossible in reality by saying something such as, “Honey, I’d love to go with you to that bed and breakfast, and we will as soon as the kids settle down a little [or as soon as things settle down at work].”

Always try to laugh
with
your mate, not
at
him or her.

3.
If you’re the lastborn, realize that you have a selfish streak and a desire to hold the spotlight.
Work at backing off from your demands for service or attention. Do everything you can to make your middle child mate feel pampered and special.

4.
If you’re the lastborn, don’t have fun at your spouse’s expense.
This is good advice for any birth order, but it applies particularly to lastborns who want to have fun, play practical jokes, and get in sarcastic little digs—all just to get a laugh. Keep in mind, however, that many middle children battle feelings of inferiority, and it’s easy to press the wrong button or push too hard. Always try to laugh
with
your mate, not
at
him or her.

Tips for Lastborn + Lastborn Marriage

1. Beware of selective listening.

2. Learn to be active listeners.

3. Hold each other accountable.

4. Stay loose and laid-back.

5. Keep your sense of humor and never give up.

Lastborn Plus Lastborn Equals
Chaos

I have already touched on how lastborns can get into financial trouble in a marriage. They have a big problem with answering the metaphorical question “Who is running the asylum?” And before long their home has turned into a real one.

Two lastborns must put their heads together and decide who pays the bills, who does the shopping, who cooks and cleans up, who takes charge of the social calendar, who cleans the house, and who is point guard on disciplining the kids. Notice I said
point guard
for discipline, which suggests that Mom and Dad are a team but that one of them may have to take the lead while the other one is backup.

If lastborns don’t get a grip and make firm decisions on these practical matters, they can arrive in big-time trouble fast. Babies of the family have a tendency to forget, or to assume their spouse was going to do what needed doing. (“Was
I
supposed to gas up the car? I thought
you
were going to!”)

Lastborns have a built-in tendency to pass the buck and blame to someone else, and who is handier than one’s spouse? But if your spouse is a lastborn, guess who’s catching the buck and throwing it right back in your face?

Here are some other tips for the lastborn/lastborn couple:

1.
Beware of selective listening.
Remember that you’re both manipulators. You may wind up playing games with one another and selectively hearing only what you want to hear. Then when you’re finally called to account, you’ll come back with the old standby: “Oh, I didn’t understand it that way at all. I never really agreed to do
that
. . . . Why didn’t you
tell me
? I had no idea!”

2.
Learn to be active listeners.
The best cure for selective listening is active listening, which means you listen with more than your ears. Look directly at your partner when he or she talks. Sense his or her feelings, and try to understand the facts being communicated. Sit in chairs facing each other with your knees practically touching. Hold hands and talk about your problems. There are only two rules: while one person speaks, the other cannot interrupt; and before replying, the listener has to “feed back,” to the speaker’s satisfaction, everything the speaker said. Yes, this is a ponderous way to have a discussion. But it does wonders for helping spouses learn how to hear each other and understand what the other is saying.

3.
Hold each other accountable.
I suggest trying a simple plan. Sit down once or twice a week and ask some pointed questions: “How are we doing on the budget?” “Is the checkbook under control?” “Are we both aware of our next important date or engagement?” “Do you think I’m really trying to listen to you?” That last question might open up the door for practicing more active listening, as long as you avoid being defensive. And that brings us to the next tip.

4.
Stay loose and laid-back.
Those are your natural qualities anyway, so use them when things get a bit tense. Remember, as the baby of the family, you “earned a living” by looking up and learning how to get around all the older kids and other insurmountable problems. You can get around marriage problems too, if you work together with your spouse. And that suggests one more tip.

5.
Keep your sense of humor and never give up.
But remember what I said to the lastborn spouse of the middle child, which applies here as well: Don’t make fun of each other. Laugh together, not at each other.

Look directly at your partner when he or she talks. Sense his or her feelings, and try to understand the facts being communicated.

An Arrow, Not an Answer

Now that I’ve touched on the “best” and the statistically “not so hot” birth order combinations for marriage, have I left you encouraged or discouraged? Maybe you’re a bit puzzled because according to your birth orders, you’re supposed to have a great marriage, but things aren’t going that well. Maybe you’re indignant because you aren’t considered a good match and you get along just fine, thank you! So what does this Leman know about anything anyway?

All of these discussions of which birth order combinations make strong or weak marriages follow the same principle that I have been repeating and will continue to repeat throughout this book: when talking about birth order, all general statements are
indicators
, not rules. In other words, all these general guidelines are arrows pointing in a certain direction, but that hardly means the fate of your marriage has been decided by your birth orders. And they aren’t an excuse for saying, “Well, it’s hopeless. We’re both firstborns, and that means we’re doomed to divorce.”

I know plenty of marriages where two firstborns get along very nicely. My own firstborn sister, Sally, is an example. She married firstborn Wes, a meticulous perfectionist who is a dentist. You would think that by now Sally and Wes would have picked each other to pieces, but not so. They have built a great marriage around a common faith, a sense of balance, and plenty of hard work, and they have three super kids to show for it.

So the good news remains the same. Birth order is never a final determinant of anything, only an indicator of problems and tensions that you may discover or create for yourselves. No matter what your birth order and that of your spouse, what counts is how you use your particular strengths and how you modify or deal with your particular weaknesses. Knowing your own birth order characteristics and those of your mate is just one step toward learning how to get along and have a happy life together.

No matter what your birth order and that of your spouse, what counts is how you use your particular strengths and how you modify or deal with your particular weaknesses.

Another important step is understanding each other’s
lifestyle
. In the next chapter we’ll talk about what happens when a man and a woman try to build a home and family by putting their individual (unique) lifestyles together.

Want to Build Up Your Marriage?

Take this quiz and see how you’re doing.

1. Do I nitpick? Do I find fault with what my mate wears, says, or does? How often?

2. Do I take the time to encourage my mate?

3. Do we talk things out? Have we set aside time just for us?

4. When was the last time we took a weekend away from the children?

5. When was the last time I gave my mate a compliment?

6. When was the last time I gave my mate a special present for absolutely no particular reason except to say, “I love you”?

7. Speaking of “I love you,” when was the last time I said those three little wonderful words to my mate?

8. What is the one thing I know my mate would love to have me do? Am I planning to do it this week?

9. Do we share our thoughts, feelings, dreams, and struggles with each other?

10. Do I take the time to find out what my mate is really interested in? Do I take the time to understand the ins and outs of his or her favorite pastime or activity?

11. When was the last time I “kidnapped” my mate from the office (or maybe from the laundry room) to take him or her away on an overnight?

12. When was the last time I came home early from work to take care of little Fletcher or Mary and let my mate go window shopping or run some errands?

13. When was the last time I said, “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Will you forgive me?”

How do your birth order characteristics influence your strengths and weaknesses? In what areas are you succeeding? In what areas are you struggling? What are some steps you can take today to begin viewing your marriage through your spouse’s eyes?

12
I Count Only When . . .
What Are You
Really
Telling Yourself?

H
ow would you complete this statement: “I count only when . . .”?

The way you finish the sentence says a lot about you—and your marriage. When couples are having problems and have decided to “try the psychologist,” one of the first things I look for is the lifestyle and life theme (or lifeline) of each spouse.
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