The Birth Order Book (26 page)

In other words, the baby tends to ask first, “What does this whole thing really do for
me
? Does it make
me
feel good?” I’m not saying the baby can’t make sound business decisions; I am saying that when it comes to weighing the business side of things against personal pluses and minuses, the baby will be giving the personal side significant weight.

Lastborns Are Often Risk Takers

Studies show that the laterborns in the family, particularly babies, are far more likely to be risk takers than firstborns. A professor of marketing from a major university in the South called me on one occasion to say she had just read
The Birth Order Book
and loved it. She speculated that because firstborns are such leaders and the ones who move things forward in so many areas of life, it would make sense to know what firstborns were thinking in order to predict the next trends in marketing.

I was impressed with how she was trying to use what she’d been learning in
The Birth Order Book
, but I had to say, “You’re absolutely right, the evidence is overwhelming that firstborns are the leaders of society, but if you’re looking for trends, you want to see what the laterborns are doing. They’re the ones who are far more likely to be willing to take a risk and change things.”

If you’re looking for trends, you want to see what the laterborns are doing. They’re the ones who are far more likely to be willing to take a risk and change things.

Knowing that lastborns tend to be risk takers can help you as you move in to close your presentation. Because they want to act now, not later, babies are typically spontaneous and impetuous. You can be a little more confrontational and press a little harder for a decision. If the baby of the family is leaning at all in your direction, don’t hesitate to ask for a commitment or to sign on the bottom line.

When I bought a Chrysler Sebring convertible, I went in and made the deal I wanted to make, true enough, but the sales manager—a firstborn, by the way, who was a very dapper dresser—also did a good job of recognizing how I was operating, and he dealt with me accordingly. For example, he noticed I was in a hurry and impatient. Maybe he even remembered that I tend to be a bit impetuous, because he had dealt with me before. At any rate, he didn’t hem and haw. He made the deal, signed me up, and let me drive out the door in a very short time. While he’d never had any kind of course on selling to different birth orders, he sold to me—a lastborn—pretty well.

All of us want respect, some of us more than others.

Selling to babies can be fun, but don’t get the idea that they’re airheads. Remember, there is that dark side to the baby—the side that says, “I want to
show them
!” Lastborns remind us of a universal truth: all of us want respect, some of us more than others.

The Best-Kept Secret in Business

The secrets to selling to different birth orders are all based pretty much on common sense. But maybe the best-kept secret to making sales, working for an employer, managing your employees, or heading up the PTA or a neighborhood watch group is this: take a personal interest.

As an author, I’m often out on the road pushing my latest book. My publisher sends me on a tour of several cities where I appear on TV and radio and then drop in at the local bookstores to greet and get to know people. I usually enjoy these bookstore stops a great deal. On rare occasions, however, I experience an author’s worst nightmare: having a great TV or radio interview and then going downtown to stop at a bookstore and not finding my book anywhere!

I was in a large Midwestern city not too long ago, being escorted about by a very classy lady who not only knows books but knows people, especially the managers of the bookstores. As she took me over to meet the manager of one bookstore that is part of a wellknown national chain, she told me about how this manager’s daughter had been in an accident. The damage had been so severe it had taken a year for the little girl to recover.

I told my escort I appreciated that information, and a few minutes later, when she introduced me to the bookstore manager, I said, “I hear you’re quite a woman. I’ve heard some good things about you. I know it’s been a rough year for you.”

Immediately the bookstore manager perked up, and the conversation jumped several levels above the usual perfunctory introduction. The reason was simple. With a couple of comments, I had gone into relationship mode and let the woman know that I understood how it had been for her. Then I added, “You know, I have four daughters myself.”

That was all we really needed. The manager and I talked about her daughter’s injuries and how her recovery had been slow and frustrating.

Later—quite a bit later, in fact— we got around to talking about why I was supposed to be there—because I was in town on a book tour. It was as if a light went on, and the store manager said, “Oh my, what shows were you on today? Say, I don’t think we have your book in stock. I’ll order some right away!” In a few minutes, she put a sizable order for my book in the computer.

How to Sell a Car

If you’re a salesperson, you have to get behind someone else’s eyes instead of simply viewing the world from your own eyes.

To a firstborn

Realize he or she is going to ask you every conceivable question known to humankind, so be ready. By asking you these questions, the firstborn is testing what you know about the car. He or she already knows it and has done the research but wants to see how smart you are.

To a middleborn

Help the middleborn weigh the options that are best for his or her lifestyle, but without pressure. Show the middleborn several possibilities, then give him or her the credit of being smart enough to decide.

To a baby

This buyer’s main concern is color, flash, and whether he or she can have the car by Saturday for an important date. Encourage the lastborn’s enthusiasm and you’ll have a fast sale. But don’t promise what you can’t deliver, or you may have a temper tantrum on your hands.

As my escort drove me to the airport, we talked about the conversation I had had with the manager, and she mentioned how impressed she had been with the way I could build a relationship so quickly. I commented, “You know, if you call that lady two years from now and mention my name, she’ll remember me. Why? Because I was interested in
her
and
her child
, not primarily in pushing my books.”

If you always try to treat people the way you’d like to be treated, your motives will be right, and what comes around will almost always be good.

And that’s the point of this little story. Obviously I could go around being interested in bookstore managers (and everyone else) only to manipulate them to get what I want—more book sales. After all, I want more book sales as badly as any author. But I can honestly say that I build relationships because
I am truly interested in the people I deal with.
The benefits that come out of that are obvious and, to some extent, automatic.

As someone said, “What goes around comes around.” If you always try to treat people the way you’d like to be treated, your motives will be right, and what comes around will almost always be good. The smart person figures out how to navigate all the birth orders.

Learning to do so is valuable not only for business but for all of life—including marriage, the most intimate relationship of all. To see how birth order can affect any marriage, including yours, turn to the next chapter.

11
Birth Order Marriages Aren’t
Made in Heaven

I
used to think that marriages could be made in heaven. Now, after counseling couples all these years, I know they’re made on earth. And you know what my first question is for any couple who comes for marital counseling? “What’s your birth order?”

The answer I get most often is, “I’m a firstborn and so is she,” or “I’m an only child and so is he.”

This is not to say I don’t counsel couples who are middle children or lastborns, but over the years as I’ve counseled thousands of couples, the most competitive, most volatile, and most discouraged are combinations where both spouses are firstborns or, worse, both are only children.

Their relationship is the opposite of the true concept of marriage, which is pulling together, sharing, melding into the unity of one. Instead, they are like mountain sheep, constantly butting heads. They lock horns over something, and neither one will back off.

And what do they disagree about?
Everything.
Firstborns and only children are, by nature, perfectionist flaw finders and nitpickers. There’s a country song that goes, “You want things your way, and I want them mine.” How true it is!

I Ejected One Couple for Fighting

One pair of firstborns I counseled would spend the first ten or twenty minutes of every session fighting as I sat there and listened. Finally I got tired of it and threw them out of my office.

“No charge for today,” I said. “I’m sick and tired of listening to you run each other down. You go home and think it over. When you’re both ready to take a run at making a marriage, come see me again.”

Admittedly, ejecting this couple for fighting was a harsh counseling tactic, but it’s something I’ve done on rare occasions over the years when I felt the situation warranted it. I didn’t hear from this couple for about a month, and I began to think,
You blew that one, Leman. They won’t be back.
But a few days later, they called and made an appointment. This time they didn’t fight (at least in my presence).

It’s the little things that drive firstborns crazy: clothes in a heap, unentered checks, lights left on, and so on.

What had happened? The couple had made a simple decision that had “unlocked their horns.” They had decided to quit butting heads. More precisely, they had decided to quit using their tongues as chisels to chip away at each other and their marriage. They had been at each other over the little things (a true sign of perfectionism). But it’s the little things that drive firstborns crazy: clothes in a heap, unentered checks, lights left on, and so on.

They often locked horns when they were going somewhere in the car. Firstborn husband would be driving, taking his familiar route to the freeway, when his firstborn wife would say, “Why did you turn here? We’re taking the freeway, aren’t we?”

“I always go this way,” her husband would reply.

If you’re not married yet, and you want better odds for a happier marriage, marry out of your birth order.

“Well, you should have turned back at Elm Street,” the wife would respond matter-of-factly. “It’s three blocks shorter.”

We didn’t really start getting anywhere until I asked them a simple question: “Who’s winning this marriage? With all the lambasting that you’ve been doing to each other, who’s coming out on top?”

They looked at each other and admitted, “Well, neither one of us wins.”

“Exactly,” I said. And then I reminded them again that they had married within their own birth order. Once they understood how two firstborns can be a volatile combination, they learned how to give in and accept each other.

They didn’t really need any more sessions. I sent them on their way with some final advice: “Remember to never let the sun go down on your anger. Talk about things before you go to bed at night. When either of you gets picky over some little thing, learn to laugh about it, and above all else, take Elm Street to the freeway!”

Over the years I have counseled more discouraged, fast-becoming-destructive perfectionists than anyone else. But a marriage between two middle children can be destructive too, and so can a match with two babies. The first principle (not a rule) for a riskier kind of marriage: marry someone in your own birth order. If you’re not married yet, and you want better odds for a happier marriage, marry out of your birth order. We’ll discuss that later in this chapter, but right now let’s take a look at some examples of couples who married within their own birth orders and see what happened.

Perfectionists and Sex

Shirley, a 38-year-old, and George, a 41-year-old, both firstborns, came to see me with what George called “Shirley’s sex problem.” The oldest of four children, Shirley grew up in a family with an extremely domineering father, whom she described as intelligent and explosive. According to Shirley, her dad had always tried to run her life. And while still in her teens, she vowed she would “never marry anyone like Dad.”

The parent of the opposite sex has the most influence on us.

But of course Shirley had married someone just like Dad. Why? One explanation that usually hits the mark is that, as a rule, the parent of the opposite sex has the most influence on us. And in Shirley’s case, domineering Dad had made his mark. Despite all her vows to never marry anyone like him, there was an even deeper drive telling her,
I could never satisfy Dad, so I’ll find a man just like him and please him. I’ll win yet!

While George wasn’t as explosive as her father had been, he was very demanding and critical. He also wanted sex every day! But Shirley was a classic perfectionist who approached sex like everything else—as a carefully regimented performance. Shirley and George had sex with no deviation in technique, position, or lighting (none).

Shirley had tried to please George, but the demands she had placed on herself to meet his sex drive had caused her to become unable to enjoy sex. She had grown unresponsive to George, who was a perfectionist himself and was constantly nitpicking her about sex and everything else. The nitpicking only made Shirley more uptight and resentful. She saw George as just another domineering male like her father.