The Birth Order Book (38 page)

The businessman went on with more of his glorious plans for the conference on May 16 of next year as I kept hesitating to tell him I simply wasn’t available on that day.

Finally, Krissy could stand it no longer and said in an even louder voice,
“He can’t come!”

While Krissy may have appeared to be a bit outspoken (i.e., rude), I couldn’t reprimand her too severely. The problem was mine because I hadn’t wanted to interrupt the man as he waxed eloquent about his conference a full year ahead (undoubtedly, he was a firstborn). Finally I had to explain that May 16 was Krissy’s birthday and that was, indeed, why we were there in the restaurant having breakfast. If May 16 was the day he needed me, I was not available.

The businessman then admitted he wasn’t positive it was May 16; he would check. Later he called and told me he was wrong about the date. It turned out he needed me on May 18, so I was able to keep both dates
and
my integrity with Krissy. If May 16 had been the date, however, too bad! My daughter’s birthday always comes first.

At our house, May 16 has always been off-limits to the outside world and always will be. Even today, with some of our kids living in other locations, we Lemans still make a big deal out of birthdays.

Give Middle Children Room to Share Feelings

In the birthday story, Krissy showed one of those contradictions that are typical of the middle child. She spoke up about her special birthday appointment, even when it was a year off. A lot of middle children would have been too shy, easy-going, or unwilling to confront and would not have spoken up. These middle children are the ones who neglect to tell you how they really feel. They are classic avoiders of conflict or confrontation.

But Krissy is sensitive, and in many middle children sensitivity bubbles over into anger. Krissy was so upset that she finally spoke up, and I’m glad she did, even though it looked as if she was being a disobedient child.

In my counseling, I find that people with anger or hostilities are usually firstborns or middleborns. It takes a while to flush some of them out because they are pleasers and they may be denying their anger. With Krissy, we always know when she’s not happy with something. But with your middle child, you may have to dig and probe a bit.

Give your middle child plenty of opportunities to share feelings with you. If you have two middle children, for example, the second and third between a first and a last, keep a close watch on #3, who can really get lost in the shuffle. Don’t just make an occasional “How’s it going?” remark. Schedule time for a walk or take the child along on an errand and talk in the car. (Talking in a car is a good idea—it’s easier for the child to look out the window than right at Mom or Dad when he or she is trying to share feelings.)

Don’t just make an occasional “How’s it going?” remark. Schedule time for a walk or take the child along on an errand and talk in the car.

The Squeeze Builds Psychological Muscles

I’ve made a big point of how social and outgoing middle children may be. Feeling rejected, squeezed, or at least misunderstood at home, they are quicker to go outside the family to make friends.

Parents watch their middleborns come and go and wonder what it is that is so much more attractive about other people’s houses. Meanwhile, without realizing it, the middle child is getting invaluable training for life. In making new friends, middle children get practice in committing to relationships and in working to keep them going. They sharpen and refine their social skills as they learn how to deal with their peer group and other people outside the family. When the time to leave home really comes, they are far more ready to deal with the realities of marriage, making a living, and functioning in society than other children may be.

In making new friends, middle children get practice in committing to relationships and in working to keep them going.

So don’t despair over your middle child who always seems to be running off somewhere. In fact, you will be wise to let your middle child know that you understand friends are important. I realize that in some cases the peer group can be a problem, but don’t automatically look on the friends as rivals who may lead your child astray. Try to invite your middle child’s friends to your house for an overnight or even a weekend. It’s another way to let your middle child know that you think he—and his friends—are very special.

And be aware of one other paradox at work in the middle child’s search for friends. While the middle child may feel a little like a fifth wheel at home, his home should still remain a lot safer and more forgiving place than the outside world. While the middle child may feel good about all her friends, she can also foul things up with her peer group. When she does, her friends can melt faster than a fudgesicle on the Fourth of July in Tucson. That’s when she can learn that a squeeze or hug from Mom and Dad isn’t so bad after all.

The World Needs More Unspoiled Middleborns

Not all middle children are social lions, of course. Many factors may keep them from having a lot of friends: physical size and appearance, shyness, fears, the need or desire to work or study long hours. But even if the middle child stays home, so to speak, he or she still gets automatic training that helps make a better-adjusted person. That training comes in the form of negotiation and compromise.

Middle children can’t have it all their own way. The oldest always seems to be getting more, staying up later, staying out later, and so on. The youngest is getting away with murder and receiving a lot more attention along with it. All this may seem very unfair at the time, but it’s great discipline. Middle children are far less likely to be spoiled, and therefore they tend to be less frustrated and demanding of life. The typical hassles, irritations, and disappointments of being a middle child are often blessings in disguise.

On more than one occasion I have talked with mothers and fathers who are so very proud of their firstborn teenage sons or daughters because these kids don’t give their parents any flak about anything. They are always willing to help, always obey the rules, and so on. I smile and wish these parents continued success, but I can’t help wondering if their obedient firstborns may be headed for big trouble. Could they be bottling up their feelings? Could they be classic pleasers who would never think of crossing their parents? And what will happen in a few years when the family umbilical cord is cut and they’re out on their own? Will they have the psychological muscles to deal with life?

Middle children are far less likely to be spoiled, and therefore they tend to be less frustrated and demanding of life.

Now I’m not saying that all obedient, ready-to-please teenagers are too weak to face life after they leave home. What I am saying is that I’ve counseled a lot of firstborns and only children who were obedient pleasers of Mom and Dad as they grew up, but as adults they wound up having trouble coping with life, spouses, or neighbors they couldn’t handle. And that’s why they came to see me. The more I counsel, the more I realize that being squeezed a little while you are growing up isn’t necessarily all bad. It can be excellent basic training for the real campaign that starts when you leave home and strike out on your own.

So don’t despair if you have a middle child who seems caught in the squeeze right now. Do your best to take off that squeeze or at least help him or her through it. Keep your middle child’s candle lit, and in the end he or she may shine brighter than all the rest.

6 Tips for Parenting the Middle Child

1. Recognize that your middle child may avoid sharing how he or she really feels about things. If your middle child is an avoider, set aside times for just the two of you to talk. It’s important to give this kind of time to every child, but a middle child is least likely to insist on his or her fair share. Be sure he or she gets it.

2. Take extra care to make your middle child feel special. Typically the middle child feels squeezed by the brothers or sisters above and below. The middle child needs those moments when you ask for his opinion or allow him to make choices. One night I took three of our kids bowling. As we sat down to start our score sheet, there was an intense discussion over who would bowl first. While Holly and Kevey clamored for the honor, I noticed Krissy was not saying a word. I said, “Krissy, you get to choose.” So she put down her daddy’s name first, then Holly, then Kevey, finally herself.

3. Set up some regular privileges he or she can count on having or doing every day or every week. Perhaps it is something as simple as watching a certain TV program with no interference from others in the family. Maybe it’s going to a certain restaurant. The point is, this is the middle child’s exclusive territory.

4. Make a special effort to give your child a new item of clothing rather than a hand-me-down. In some families, income is sufficient, so this is not a problem, but in other homes economics make hand-me-downs a regular part of growing up. An occasional hand-me-down is fine, but your middle child may be particularly appreciative of something new, especially a key item such as a coat or jacket.

5. Listen carefully to your middle child’s answers or explanations for what is going on or what he or she thinks of certain situations. His or her desire to avoid conflict and not make waves may get in the way of the real facts. You may have to say, “C’mon now, let’s have the whole story. You aren’t going to get in trouble. I want to know how you really feel.”

6. Be sure the family photo album has its share of pictures and home movies of your middle child. Don’t let him or her fall victim to the stereotyped fate of seeing thousands of pictures of the older brother or sister and only a few of him or her! And be sure you take some of your middleborn alone, not always with big brother or little sister.

16
Helping the Family “Cub”
Grow Up
Parenting the Lastborn

M
y first four words of advice for parents of the lastborn are: beware of being manipulated! When the lastborn arrives, the real enemy is not that cute little buzzard who marks the end of the family line. He can’t help being so darling. She can’t help it if she charms everyone with one toothless smile. The real culprit parents have to battle is well known to Pogo fans, who have met the enemy and realize “he is us.”

Authoritarian parents say, “Do it my way, or else!”

Authoritative parents say, “I’d like to have you do it this way because . . .”

But permissive parents tell their little lastborn, “Ahh, you do it your way, you cute little guy.”

Getting Away with Murder

Why is it that parents can run a pretty tight ship with their older kids, but the lastborn seems to have some mysterious power that lets him get away with murder? I’m not sure there is a definitive answer. Maybe the parents get tired, or maybe they get careless because now they think they “know the ropes” and can loosen up. Whatever it is, parents often look the other way when the lastborn skips chores and drives his older brothers and sisters crazy with pestering, or what I call “setups.” (The setup is a particular skill of the lastborn and involves bugging an older sibling until he or she lashes out in anger, at which point the baby of the family runs screaming to Mommy for protection.)

The real enemy is not that cute little buzzard who marks the end of the family line. The real culprit parents have to battle is well known to Pogo fans, who have met the enemy and realize “he is us.”

I was an expert in setting up my big brother, Jack, whom I loved to call “God” because he was so big, strong, and superior to me, the little Cub of the family. When I heard him come home from school, I’d say within his hearing (but not necessarily my mother’s), “God’s home!”

Jack didn’t appreciate being called “God,” and he would often belt me one. Then I’d run to Mom, who always took my side, and Jack would wind up in trouble. If he belted me extra hard, he might wind up in trouble with my dad when he got home.

Recently Charles Swindoll, whose books have sold in the gazillions, shared with me on a radio show his own birth order adventures. As the baby of the family with an older brother and sister, he often felt put-upon and put down. “I usually called my older brother ‘Hitler,’” he confided.

“Is that right?” I said. “Perhaps he knew my older brother, ‘God.’”

For a second or two, one of America’s great spiritual leaders looked at me in what seemed to be shock, and then we both burst into hearty laughter. Two babies of the family had found a common bond—memories of a big brother who made life a little miserable at times.

If lastborns aren’t getting away with murder, they are at least trying to manipulate, clown, or entertain, and they’re often likely to be found disturbing someone’s peace.

Calling my older brother by the unlikely name of “God” to set him up was just one way I got away with murder. There were many others. If lastborns aren’t getting away with murder, they are at least trying to manipulate, clown, or entertain, and they’re often likely to be found disturbing someone’s peace.

Now I realize that not all parents fall for the lastborn’s charms and antics. Not all lastborns get away with murder. Nonetheless, many of them still are able to manipulate parents with that famous line: “Mommy, I can’t do it!” A plaintive cry for help is a great tool lastborns use to get parents (as well as older siblings) to snowplow the roads of life for them.

Babies are particularly adept at getting help with school-work. I have counseled several children whose seeming help-lessness turned their homes into a tutoring establishment right after dishes were done each evening. It’s one thing to encourage children with their homework and get them started; it’s another to do it for them. A lot of parents get suckered into doing the child’s work, all the while believing they are helping the child. Of course, they are only hindering the child because it prohibits him from learning to do his own thinking.