The Book of Awesome (7 page)
Read The Book of Awesome Online
Authors: Neil Pasricha
Then again, maybe No Dollar Dashing is too stressful for you. You’re afraid of the parking ticket, so you go instead with the
Tight Quarter Squeeze
. Here’s where you plug a warm quarter in there because you’re sure seventeen minutes will be good enough. Hey, you’re still thankful for the seven free minutes but figure it’s worth buying yourself a brisk walk in place of a run.
Tight Quarter Squeeze
. Here’s where you plug a warm quarter in there because you’re sure seventeen minutes will be good enough. Hey, you’re still thankful for the seven free minutes but figure it’s worth buying yourself a brisk walk in place of a run.
Lastly, you could go
Slot Machine
. You’re one of those folks who just don’t trust themselves. The parking ticket must be avoided at all costs, even if it means dumping an extra couple dollars in the meter. You buy yourself a big, warm security blanket in case you get held up somewhere.
Slot Machine
. You’re one of those folks who just don’t trust themselves. The parking ticket must be avoided at all costs, even if it means dumping an extra couple dollars in the meter. You buy yourself a big, warm security blanket in case you get held up somewhere.
And now, even though most of us would like to think of ourselves as laid-back No Dollar Dash kind of folks, let’s be honest. We love the
Slot Machines
, because they’re the ones who leave us with seven minutes left the next time. And if it wasn’t for the
Tight Quarter Squeezers
and their perfect parking planning, getting seven minutes of free time would just become no big deal.
Slot Machines
, because they’re the ones who leave us with seven minutes left the next time. And if it wasn’t for the
Tight Quarter Squeezers
and their perfect parking planning, getting seven minutes of free time would just become no big deal.
So by holding hands and joining together, we all make that world go right on round.
AWESOME!
The smell of crayons
Crack open a fresh box and get ready for a neuron-splattering head rush.
AWESOME!
Peeling an orange in one shot
It ain’t easy, but when you finally succeed in peeling an orange into only one
big, swirly peel
, it can be one of the greatest fruit-eating experiences of your life. Here’s how to make the magic happen:
big, swirly peel
, it can be one of the greatest fruit-eating experiences of your life. Here’s how to make the magic happen:
1.
Pick a winner.
No two oranges are created equal, so it’s important to inspect your fruit before you pick it. Smart money says grab a juicy one that’s been ripe for a day or two and has plenty of loose, saggy peel hanging around just begging for a big thumb puncture right in the gut. If you have trouble, just remember this handy line:
To get that peel off, pick one that’s soft.
Word to your sister.
Pick a winner.
No two oranges are created equal, so it’s important to inspect your fruit before you pick it. Smart money says grab a juicy one that’s been ripe for a day or two and has plenty of loose, saggy peel hanging around just begging for a big thumb puncture right in the gut. If you have trouble, just remember this handy line:
To get that peel off, pick one that’s soft.
Word to your sister.
2.
Roll it out (optional).
Some people like to roll their orange around on the counter a bit just to make doubly sure that the peel is primed and ready to go. This is the equivalent of sending the orange out to the bullpen to warm up. A side benefit is that your orange becomes extra juicy.
Roll it out (optional).
Some people like to roll their orange around on the counter a bit just to make doubly sure that the peel is primed and ready to go. This is the equivalent of sending the orange out to the bullpen to warm up. A side benefit is that your orange becomes extra juicy.
3.
The thumb puncture.
This is the most critical move, so let’s break it down. First, make sure you do actually use your thumb to perform the puncture, not the questionable four-fingers-scratching-the-blackboard technique. People who go the four-finger route are doomed to get peel scraps flying everywhere, so don’t do it. Now, when you have your game face ready, aim for one of the flabby peel rolls right near the top or bottom of the orange. No matter what, do not stab right in the middle of the fruit, because that’s the thinnest part of the peel and you’ll walk away a humiliated, pulpy mess.
The thumb puncture.
This is the most critical move, so let’s break it down. First, make sure you do actually use your thumb to perform the puncture, not the questionable four-fingers-scratching-the-blackboard technique. People who go the four-finger route are doomed to get peel scraps flying everywhere, so don’t do it. Now, when you have your game face ready, aim for one of the flabby peel rolls right near the top or bottom of the orange. No matter what, do not stab right in the middle of the fruit, because that’s the thinnest part of the peel and you’ll walk away a humiliated, pulpy mess.
4.
Long, slow burn.
Once you’re in, it’s time to slowly, majestically carve out a big peel strip around and around and around the orange. Be careful not to create any
peel islands
, those little chunks of peel just hanging out in the middle of a freshly peeled area. Also, don’t peel too thick a strip (inaccurate and unpredictable) and don’t peel too thin a strip (could snap off). Just relax and it will come with practice. If you seem to be losing your momentum or getting stressed out, put the orange down, shake your hands out, take some deep breaths, and regroup.
Long, slow burn.
Once you’re in, it’s time to slowly, majestically carve out a big peel strip around and around and around the orange. Be careful not to create any
peel islands
, those little chunks of peel just hanging out in the middle of a freshly peeled area. Also, don’t peel too thick a strip (inaccurate and unpredictable) and don’t peel too thin a strip (could snap off). Just relax and it will come with practice. If you seem to be losing your momentum or getting stressed out, put the orange down, shake your hands out, take some deep breaths, and regroup.
5.
Show and tell.
Did you nail it? Did you finish it off good? If so, congratulations, you’re now holding a freshly shorn orange in one hand and a limp n’ long, snakelike strip of peel in the other. You have to finish by showing this to at least one person and saying “Hey, check it out!” Maybe hang it right in their face if they don’t seem impressed at first. They should come around and at least flash you a terse thumbs-up or a sarcastic eyebrow raise.
Show and tell.
Did you nail it? Did you finish it off good? If so, congratulations, you’re now holding a freshly shorn orange in one hand and a limp n’ long, snakelike strip of peel in the other. You have to finish by showing this to at least one person and saying “Hey, check it out!” Maybe hang it right in their face if they don’t seem impressed at first. They should come around and at least flash you a terse thumbs-up or a sarcastic eyebrow raise.
Yes, peeling an orange in one shot is a terrific accomplishment. It’s one of the best fruit openings out there, easily trumping the watermelon split,
pineapple top lop
, or coconut crack.
pineapple top lop
, or coconut crack.
AWESOME!
Using all the different shampoos and soaps in someone else’s shower
Shampoo doesn’t travel well.
First of all, you can barely get it on the plane. Nope,
no liquids in your carry-on
, so unless you’ve got a little travel bottle or you’re checking in a big suitcase, you can’t really take it. And even if you do check it in, you’ve got the packing problem. I know my terrible method of putting a big bottle of shampoo in a couple plastic bags isn’t the answer. But what is? Travel bottles are more trouble than they’re worth—you have to play
sloppy scientist
to refill them and they’re small and easy to forget everywhere.
no liquids in your carry-on
, so unless you’ve got a little travel bottle or you’re checking in a big suitcase, you can’t really take it. And even if you do check it in, you’ve got the packing problem. I know my terrible method of putting a big bottle of shampoo in a couple plastic bags isn’t the answer. But what is? Travel bottles are more trouble than they’re worth—you have to play
sloppy scientist
to refill them and they’re small and easy to forget everywhere.
No, shampoo just doesn’t travel well. Like fireworks, katana blades, or
colicky babies
, it just wasn’t meant to fly. So if you’re like me, you just don’t pack it. You swallow hard, zip that suitcase, and trust that your hair will make it home.
colicky babies
, it just wasn’t meant to fly. So if you’re like me, you just don’t pack it. You swallow hard, zip that suitcase, and trust that your hair will make it home.
When you hit the road without shampoo, a few things could happen:
1. You might have to slum it,
oily style
. Just work that comb and pray for no dandruff.
oily style
. Just work that comb and pray for no dandruff.
2. You might have to use one of the little hotel bottles of shampoo or tear into one of their tiny little shampoo samples with your teeth in the shower. If you’re like me, you’ll probably use the lotion in your hair too, thinking it’s conditioner.
3. Best-case scenario: You’re crashing with friends and you get to
take a shower in their shower
and go wild using all the different shampoos and soaps they’ve got in there.
take a shower in their shower
and go wild using all the different shampoos and soaps they’ve got in there.
Now, we all know the last option is clearly the best. However, it only works if you actually are staying with friends
and
if you shower in their
real shower
—not their guest shower, not their basement shower, but their
actual shower
, the one they use every day. That’s where you peel back their crinkly, mildewed curtain and open up a fantasy world of half-used bizarro products filling all corners of the bathtub, piled high in bright pinks and neon greens like a candy store.
and
if you shower in their
real shower
—not their guest shower, not their basement shower, but their
actual shower
, the one they use every day. That’s where you peel back their crinkly, mildewed curtain and open up a fantasy world of half-used bizarro products filling all corners of the bathtub, piled high in bright pinks and neon greens like a candy store.
So go ahead: Lock that door, strip right down, and get right in there. Just make sure you follow the
Top Four Showering in Other People’s Shower Rules
:
Top Four Showering in Other People’s Shower Rules
:
1.
Bar Ban.
The bar of soap is completely off-limits, no questions asked. You don’t know where it’s been, they don’t know where you’re putting it, so you just have to stay away. The last thing anyone wants for a thank-you gift is a nest of wet hairs in the soap dish.
Bar Ban.
The bar of soap is completely off-limits, no questions asked. You don’t know where it’s been, they don’t know where you’re putting it, so you just have to stay away. The last thing anyone wants for a thank-you gift is a nest of wet hairs in the soap dish.
2.
Watch the clock.
Definitely enjoy the moment, but don’t take too long. You don’t know their hot water situation or if they need the bathroom, so get out before you get the place too steamy. And leave the fan on.
Watch the clock.
Definitely enjoy the moment, but don’t take too long. You don’t know their hot water situation or if they need the bathroom, so get out before you get the place too steamy. And leave the fan on.
3.
Sampling is encouraged.
If you’re staying with a couple, chances are good they’ve got His and Hers sections. Try both! What’s this? New scent of body wash? Squirt! Weird kiwi-grapefruit face wash? Squirt! Forty-dollar-a-bottle salon conditioner that looks like it came from a science lab? Squirt squirt squirt!
Sampling is encouraged.
If you’re staying with a couple, chances are good they’ve got His and Hers sections. Try both! What’s this? New scent of body wash? Squirt! Weird kiwi-grapefruit face wash? Squirt! Forty-dollar-a-bottle salon conditioner that looks like it came from a science lab? Squirt squirt squirt!
4.
Don’t finish anything.
Squirt away, but don’t drain anything. They might be counting on one last use of their favorite conditioner and you don’t want to rob them of that.
Don’t finish anything.
Squirt away, but don’t drain anything. They might be counting on one last use of their favorite conditioner and you don’t want to rob them of that.
So that’s it. That’s the perfect traveling shampoo situation and them’s the rules for living by it.
Now, is it just me, or does using all the different shampoos and soaps in someone else’s shower make you feel like you’re in some kind of
focus group
? You can just see the end of it too: A few folks in white smocks hold clipboards waiting for you outside the bathroom door in the dark hallway. It flies open and steam shoots out in all directions. You emerge in a towel, your skin damp, your feet wet. And quickly, there are questions: “What did you think of the blue bottle? Did it give you the lather you were looking for? What about the scent?” They keep going, writing furiously as you spit out your first impressions. Then they ask the big one:
“What was the shower experience like overall?”
They wait expectantly, heads bowed, pencils hovering just above the sheet, eyes peering up at you over their glasses.
focus group
? You can just see the end of it too: A few folks in white smocks hold clipboards waiting for you outside the bathroom door in the dark hallway. It flies open and steam shoots out in all directions. You emerge in a towel, your skin damp, your feet wet. And quickly, there are questions: “What did you think of the blue bottle? Did it give you the lather you were looking for? What about the scent?” They keep going, writing furiously as you spit out your first impressions. Then they ask the big one:
“What was the shower experience like overall?”
They wait expectantly, heads bowed, pencils hovering just above the sheet, eyes peering up at you over their glasses.
And you smile and you nod and you know what to tell them.
AWESOME!
When the vending machine gives you two things instead of one
First you spot the
Teetering Treat
.
Teetering Treat
.
It’s the candy bar hanging onto the metal spirals for dear life, just sitting there after giving the last customer the ol’
For Sale Fail
and teasing him instead of delivering the goods. And instead of spending another dollar to test his luck, he decided to walk away. Hey, we’ve all been there too, so now it’s time for some good old-fashioned Vending Machine Karma, also known as
Chocolate Justice
.
For Sale Fail
and teasing him instead of delivering the goods. And instead of spending another dollar to test his luck, he decided to walk away. Hey, we’ve all been there too, so now it’s time for some good old-fashioned Vending Machine Karma, also known as
Chocolate Justice
.
So just drop your money in, push the buttons, and listen for that sweet
thump-thump
of two treats dropping into the
Sugar Basin
at once. Now push back the awkwardly heavy door and swipe a paw in there to scoop up your treasures. Kiss the vending machine plastic window, hold your nougat-filled plunder up to the sky, and then flee the scene.
thump-thump
of two treats dropping into the
Sugar Basin
at once. Now push back the awkwardly heavy door and swipe a paw in there to scoop up your treasures. Kiss the vending machine plastic window, hold your nougat-filled plunder up to the sky, and then flee the scene.
It’s snacking time.
Yes, that free treat is great because now’s your chance to
play Santa
on an unsuspecting coworker or classmate. Got someone who could use a caramel fix? Of course you do. So share the wealth and give yourself a break together. It’s Christmas again.
play Santa
on an unsuspecting coworker or classmate. Got someone who could use a caramel fix? Of course you do. So share the wealth and give yourself a break together. It’s Christmas again.
Also, no matter how much you try,
you can’t return the free snack
. No, there’s no wedging your hand up there and throwing it back into its Metal Spiral Jail Cell. So ditch the guilt and smile back at the
Gods of Snacking
, for they have smiled down upon you.
you can’t return the free snack
. No, there’s no wedging your hand up there and throwing it back into its Metal Spiral Jail Cell. So ditch the guilt and smile back at the
Gods of Snacking
, for they have smiled down upon you.
And let me tell you something else: You deserve it.
AWESOME!
Licking the batter off the beaters of a cake mixer
You can’t do it without getting batter all over your face, because there’s that hard-to-reach place in the middle of the beater. Your tongue isn’t going to reach, and leaving it un-licked isn’t an option. So get in there, get sticky, and get
AWESOME!
Being the first person into a really crowded movie theater and getting the prime seats
When it comes to movie theater seats, everybody has their favorite.
First up, there’s
the Back Row Crowd
. We all know these people because most of us have been these people. With nobody behind you the back row becomes a prime make-out spot, a perfect place to sneak sips from your secret flask, or just somewhere to place your really, really tall and lanky body without blocking anyone’s view. Thanks for that, by the way.
the Back Row Crowd
. We all know these people because most of us have been these people. With nobody behind you the back row becomes a prime make-out spot, a perfect place to sneak sips from your secret flask, or just somewhere to place your really, really tall and lanky body without blocking anyone’s view. Thanks for that, by the way.
Next you’ve got your
Middle of the Packers
. These folks go for some of the most popular seats—the middle seats in the middle row about midway back. They might go on about how the sound is better from straight ahead or how they get a headache from sitting too close, but I think they just like being in the thick of things. And who can blame them?
Middle of the Packers
. These folks go for some of the most popular seats—the middle seats in the middle row about midway back. They might go on about how the sound is better from straight ahead or how they get a headache from sitting too close, but I think they just like being in the thick of things. And who can blame them?
Side Guys
, that’s who. Yes, the folks who enjoy sitting in the thin side sections of the movie theater are a rare breed, but they’re out there. Maybe they have pea-sized bladders or fidgety children in tow and need access to a quick getaway lane. Or perhaps they want some thinking space and don’t like fighting for armrests. Whatever their reasons, I think I can safely say that most of us are glad they exist, because they really help our odds at getting the other seats.
, that’s who. Yes, the folks who enjoy sitting in the thin side sections of the movie theater are a rare breed, but they’re out there. Maybe they have pea-sized bladders or fidgety children in tow and need access to a quick getaway lane. Or perhaps they want some thinking space and don’t like fighting for armrests. Whatever their reasons, I think I can safely say that most of us are glad they exist, because they really help our odds at getting the other seats.
And we can’t forget the
La-Z-Boys n’ Girls
. These are the folks who put their feet up on the seat in front of them. “I came here to relax,” they seem to say to themselves. “So I’m going to relax.” They have no problem taking up a seat in front of them with their dirty sneakers or corn-covered heels. Brave souls may even try to pull off the
Extreme La-Z-Move
, which involves very slowly and softly putting their feet on the chair in front of them despite someone already sitting in it. It does not involve making new friends, generally. But these folks like their feet up so they’ll even take a corner seat that nobody wants to pull it off.
La-Z-Boys n’ Girls
. These are the folks who put their feet up on the seat in front of them. “I came here to relax,” they seem to say to themselves. “So I’m going to relax.” They have no problem taking up a seat in front of them with their dirty sneakers or corn-covered heels. Brave souls may even try to pull off the
Extreme La-Z-Move
, which involves very slowly and softly putting their feet on the chair in front of them despite someone already sitting in it. It does not involve making new friends, generally. But these folks like their feet up so they’ll even take a corner seat that nobody wants to pull it off.
Other books
Murder on Old Main Street (Kate Lawrence Mysteries) by Ivie, Judith
Bad Girls by Rebecca Chance
Luminous by Corrina Lawson
False Start: A Football Romance by Saylor Bliss
Fury Rising (Fury Unbound Book 1) by Yasmine Galenorn
The Decision by Wanda E. Brunstetter
La cruzada de las máquinas by Brian Herbert & Kevin J. Anderson
Classic Scottish Murder Stories by Molly Whittington-Egan
Little Shop of Homicide by Denise Swanson
Three Short Novels by Gina Berriault
