The Book of Bloke (9 page)

As to the rest of their body coverings, the Leaf-Blower favours a combination of decades-old second-hand garments, and pieces hand-woven from materials like flax, bark, and (again) hemp. Hemp is especially popular because, in an emergency, the clothes can be smoked. Not that such emergencies often arise, because the Leaf-Blower is a master at finding sustenance from the world around him. A cunning hunter-gatherer, he is at his most impressive when prowling through the night, sharp eyes on the lookout for an unguarded rubbish bin. With a bit of ingenuity and a relaxed attitude to gastro, a Leaf-Blower can make the contents of one bin last for over a week. Luckily, Leaf-Blowers typically do have a relaxed attitude to gastro, and to everything else. Unlike the Anarcho-Trotskyite, the Leaf-Blower is a peace-loving, placid Bloke who rarely attacks humans, and generally spends his life longing for nothing more than peace and harmony between all Blokes. This particularly applies to the ones with hemp trousers.

In contrast to this laidback approach, the
Action Man
gains his name from the fact that he is a man of action. Closely related to most other Leftite breeds, it is thought that the Action Man may actually be a particularly aggressive strain of Anarcho-Trotskyite, although as a rule they are better-groomed. Action Men often pose as Bloke’s Blokes, but whereas earlier researchers placed them in this category, more recent scientific study has determined that they are a subspecies of Leftite with a hint of Fauxke ancestry.

The Action Man’s habitat is the city – he revels in its narrow laneways, its deserted factories and darkened railway stations. Constantly on the move, he lurks in shadows, emerging only to issue brief rallying cries to his Leftite brethren before slipping into darkness once more to carry out yet another daring attack on the military-industrial complex.

The aims of the Action Man are similar to those of other Leftites, but his methods are more direct and irritating. Eschewing the path of non-violent resistance, he scorns the pamphleteering approach and considers direct action the only way to achieve his aims. Like all Leftites, his aims are never actually achieved, but he certainly feels a lot better after doing some stuff. As a result, the Action Man is often pursued by the authorities, but always manages to elude them, except for those occasions when he is caught.

The activities of the Action Man cover many forms of fierce civil disobedience. Spray-paint is a popular tool, and many Action Man clans are dedicated solely to spreading inflammatory graffiti around the city in order to rouse the masses to revolution. It rarely works, however – Action Men scholars have surmised this may be because the masses admire correct spelling and grammar more than the Action Man is willing to admit.

Other Action Men go in for even more aggressive forms of vandalism, such as smashing windows, slashing tyres, and sometimes even setting fire to buildings owned by capitalist tyrants or whoever happens to be nearby. ‘Through Destruction, Freedom’ is the motto of the Action Man, and he lives by this motto each and every day. Most Action Men will try to limit any collateral damage – their action tends to be directed at property rather than people – but people do sometimes get hurt, often the Action Men themselves, usually by stepping on broken glass or holding a Molotov cocktail too long.

Most city authorities manage to keep the Action Man relatively in check – sometimes with the active collaboration of other Leftites, who can grow to resent the Action Man’s wilful disregard for the power of the flyer. However, under extreme provocation, the Action Man can turn genuinely nasty and take up busking. In some cities it is legal for ordinary citizens to shoot a Leftite with a guitar on sight, no questions asked.

The Action Man thrives in extreme conditions due to his tough outer hide and a digestive system that has adapted to convert attention into nutrients. The only known way to stop an Action Man taking action is via the aforementioned shooting, or by offering him a job.

All varieties of Leftites come in for a lot of criticism, particularly from Rightoids and Veterans, but it is only fair to give them the credit they are due. Leftites serve a valuable purpose in Blokedom, picking up the slack of social conscience, and devoting their attention to the causes the rest of us would definitely care about if only we had the inclination. Essentially, they care so we don’t have to, and it’s only fair that every Bloke occasionally raises a glass to the Leftites who are out there every day fighting for something or other – fists raised in fury, boots stomping down the thoroughfare, pamphlets blowing in the wind.

Did you know
… the infamous ‘Bloke cull’ of 1956–57 came about as a result of a since-discredited report to Parliament indicating that Blokes were carriers of rabies. Over 70,000 Blokes were put down under the scheme, either by lethal injection or shooting from helicopters.

The Rightoid is an extremely common and much-loved Bloke who came about as a result of a mutation in the Leftite gene sometime in the history of Bloke evolution, resulting in a species that frequently behaves and talks like a Leftite, but with diametrically opposite opinions. Thus the Rightoid is the yin to the Leftite’s yang, the heads to his tails, the Bert to his Ernie, and the two kinds exist in a somewhat symbiotic relationship. If Leftites disappeared from the Earth, it seems likely that the Rightoid population would be similarly annihilated, possibly from alcohol poisoning. The mutual antagonism between Leftites and Rightoids is fierce and deeply felt, much like that between the Jets and the Sharks in
West Side Story
, except that Rightoids can’t dance due to another mutation. Some Rightoids actually start out as Leftites and experience the gene mutation late in life – these tend to become the most aggressive and spittle-flecked Rightoids of all. However, the process does not appear to work the other way – Rightoids, as far as can be determined, do not become Leftites, although some of them do occasionally stop going to church.

Rightoids might be described as a ‘virulent strain’ of Bloke: they can be found pretty much anywhere there is money, from cities to suburbs to rural towns. Wherever Rightoids are found, they develop deep and powerful bonds with the community, and will always stand up and fight against anyone who assumes he knows more about the people than the Rightoid does. This particularly applies to anyone trying to sell lattes or build wind farms. The Rightoid is always the people’s champion, although he prefers not to mix with the people himself for fear of catching something. Poverty, maybe.

Seemingly unfazed by such contradictions, most Rightoids will simultaneously hold the opinion that this country is the greatest on earth and in need of no improvement, and that it has been completely ruined by Leftites. This is a fascinating phenomenon, and much study continues to this day into the structure and functions of the Rightoid brain, and whether we can apply the lessons we learn from it to fields as diverse as medicine, astrophysics, and swimming pool design.

The first reliable reference to Rightoids in Australian history comes from field reports in World War I: at Ypres, soldiers in the trenches reported their fellow Diggers exhorting them to ‘go over the top – I’ll be waiting here for you when you come back’, and to ‘Come on lads, let’s win this one for the stock exchange.’ Later reports have a soldiers’ petition being presented to General Monash demanding macro-economic trench reform, including tax relief and a relaxation of unfair dismissal laws, lest enterprising men begin leaving for the more laissez-faire economics of the German lines. This was a somewhat confusing period in The Great War, particularly with Leftite factions in the AIF presenting their own petition to have no-man’s-land declared a national park.

Since that time, Rightoids have proliferated throughout Australia, aided by their carefree breeding habits and voracious lust for conquest, and can now be seen in great numbers on any city street or in any wine bar or multinational boardroom. Indeed, Rightoids have penetrated the very upper echelons of power in this country, and most politicians and business leaders are Rightoids of some description. The nature of the Rightoid metabolism also means that the higher up the ladder the Rightoid climbs, the further Right he will go: a chairman will be more Right than an ordinary director; a CEO will be more Right than a COO; a prime minister will be more Right than a chief whip, and so on. Nobody quite knows how this process works, but it has something to do with polo.

Rightoids can generally be recognised by their snappy suits, but it would be naïve to suppose there is just one Rightoid ‘look’. Plenty of Rightoids, when not working, get about in casual clothes, such as a T-shirt and jeans, especially outside the city. It is important for them to do so, so they can relax and recharge and reaffirm the fact that they are humble men of the people who will happily mingle with their social inferiors. Because of this, the most foolproof way of identifying a Rightoid is through his laugh, which is always just a little bit too loud and demonstrates a sense of humour singularly lacking from all his other actions.

This method of identification can be tricky because Rightoids, although loving a good laugh as much as the next Bloke, have enormous trouble ‘getting’ jokes. It is therefore extremely difficult to get a Rightoid to laugh, and those jokes that do are usually baffling and incomprehensible to the normal mind. An example of a classic Rightoid joke is:

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Dee

Dee who?

Dee-regulated labour market!

Many a Rightoid thigh has been slapped at that one, and at this:

Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?

A: A dry martini

As you can see, Rightoid comedy is a mysterious and arcane field, and not one to be entered into lightly – strong men have gone mad attempting to understand it. However, if you can make a Rightoid laugh – perhaps by kicking a homeless person – it
can
be enormously rewarding, as the Rightoid will take you to his bosom as a true friend and you’ll probably get free tickets to stuff.

Indeed, the Rightoid is a social Bloke, and enjoys the company of other Blokes, particularly Bloke’s Blokes, after whom the Rightoid imagines he has modelled himself. In a Rightoid’s more delusional moments, he imagines that he IS a Bloke’s Bloke, although these periods of psychosis can be effectively treated with modern drugs and a mirror. In any case, it is usually safe to speak to a Rightoid as long as you are in a public, well-lit place, and most authorities even consider it safe nowadays to shake his hand in a firm, manly fashion, and ask about his kids. A certain amount of caution is still advisable, however: when meeting a Rightoid, do not under any circumstances commit to his managed investment scheme. This applies no matter how friendly he seems and no matter how high the returns appear to be.

The places you are likely to meet Rightoids overlap to some extent with the preferred haunts of Leftites. You can find Rightoids on university campuses, where they like to gather to cast dirty looks at other students and lobby to have the student union defunded. They will also turn up at rallies, either Leftite ones – where they will launch counter-protests or take photos of misbehaving Leftites to put on their conservative Tumblr – or their own. Rightoid rallies are indeed a sight to behold when hundreds, even thousands of Rightoids band together and march through the streets demanding an end to excessive taxation, or a relaxing of the rules on felons holding directorships, or that the government stop controlling our minds with fluoride. There are many causes to which the Rightoid population is passionately committed, and when their blood is up they make a formidable force for change. The Rightoid is less comfortable than the Leftite in a rallying environment, however, and if given the choice would stay home demanding the police get rough with protesters, rather than become a protester himself.

The Rightoid has moved into a number of other environments in which he thrives and often dominates. These can be as diverse as nightclubs, boardrooms, high-end exotic dancing establishments, and parliament. Any place in which a well-tailored suit can gain a man a bit of respect, you are likely to find a Rightoid talking extremely loudly and threatening bar staff. These are also the places in which Rightoids will perform their mating rituals, which, in comparison to most other Blokes, are endearingly simple, for the most part involving taking out their wallets, then quietly leaving without waking her up. The fact that Rightoids are so straightforward with their breeding habits may explain why there seems to be so many of them, and why their girlfriend is always better-looking than yours.

Parliament is an environment to which the Rightoid has adapted particularly well, and Rightoids are referred to by some zoologists as ‘kings of the capitals’. Rightoids rule most parliaments almost completely, using their natural talents to subjugate any non-Rightoid members left standing. The predilection of Rightoids for parliamentary living is easy to explain, as it is only in parliament that a Rightoid can make a genuine positive contribution to the welfare of his people. It is in parliament that much serious Rightoid business is carried out, such as tax reform, the gutting of environmental protection legislation, and sexual harassment.

From time to time, groups of other Blokes become dissatisfied with Rightoid dominance of government and make moves towards banding together to challenge the Rightoid oligarchy. These challenges usually collapse when the Blokes get distracted by drinking, which may be connected to the fact that Rightoids also control the major breweries.

Due to the Rightoid tendency to occupy the corridors of power, most famous Rightoids in history have been of a political bent. John Howard is one of the most legendary, and still revered in many Rightoid temples, where worshippers gather to pray and swap stock tips. Howard is remembered for many important economic reforms, but his status among Rightoids stems mainly from his unparalleled skill in the most popular of all Rightoid activities: upsetting Leftites. Howard modelled himself on another famous Rightoid, Robert Menzies, who was an exemplar of many important Rightoid principles, such as monarchism and having enormous eyebrows. Modern political Rightoids include Tony Abbott, who is beloved for his almost Howard-like ability to aggravate the Left, and Malcolm ‘the chameleon’ Turnbull, who, although not as revered as some other Rightoid leaders, has nevertheless gained respect for his uncanny shape-shifting ability to somehow convince others that he’s not really a Rightoid at all.

Outside parliamentary circles, notable Rightoids include Andrew Bolt, a prominent opera fan and film critic whose main hobby is being silenced by political correctness; Gerard Henderson, a small, gloomy creature who inhabits television studios and reproduces by writing letters; and Alan Jones, an incurable virus spread by bats.

Not all Rightoids are in positions of power, of course, and those who aren’t are among the most frustrated and angry of Blokes. In later life, most of these will become Veterans, and all will spend most of their time railing against the forces that conspire to keep them down – either Leftites or alien lizards.

All Rightoids share the characteristics of not understanding jokes and being afraid of poor people, but there are other important differences between Rightoid varieties. These varieties include:

The
Young Liberal
. A young Rightoid with a bright future and a wealthy father, the Young Liberal can be recognised by his impeccable dress sense, baby face, and air of unshakeable yet completely unjustified confidence. An early blooming Rightoid, the Young Liberal becomes convinced at a young age of the importance of protecting our borders and slashing red tape, and goes into battle with enormous enthusiasm on behalf of his Rightoid brothers. One of the most peculiar defining characteristics of the Young Liberal is his overweening pride in being a Young Liberal – he will happily prance through wider society telling everyone he meets of his Young Liberal status, essentially boasting about it, and never once realising that non-Rightoids use the phrase ‘Young Liberal’ exclusively as a term of abuse.

Young Liberals are not a breed in themselves – they are a larval stage of the common Rightoid, and may, as they mature, metamorphose into any one of several Rightoid varieties. Whether they become a Patriot, a Stock Star, a Hawk or the CEO of a chemical weapons conglomerate depends mostly on whether, on completing university, they get a job as a political staffer or as a banker. This, in turn, depends greatly on who their father’s friends are, and that of course depends on whether their father has gone to jail yet. If he hasn’t, the Young Liberal has a bright future ahead of him. If he has, the Young Liberal still has a bright future ahead of him, but may be forced to be interviewed for a few more human-interest stories in
Women’s Weekly
than would otherwise be the case.

The Young Liberal is an energetic Bloke who likes to stay active. Much of his time is spent organising anti-union activism and writing opinion articles about how young people are actually a lot more conservative and pro-war than old people might think. In fact, the Young Liberal tends to be an enthusiastic writer, taking up his pen in support of all kinds of worthy right-wing causes. The typical Young Liberal, however, reserves his most passionate and heartfelt prose for his fan letters to members of parliament. These letters are often almost erotic in the urgency of their love, and some anthropologists have declared the Young Liberal to be a ‘prince of romance’ among the peoples of the world. Of course there is often an ulterior motive – many Young Liberals write to MPs in the hope of gaining an internship, or at least a kiss – but nevertheless one can hardly fail to be touched if one is lucky enough to get the chance to read one of these letters. They demonstrate not only that the Young Liberal is a Bloke of powerful and lofty emotions, but also that, unlike many Blokes of the same age, the Young Liberal is sexually aroused by electability. This explains why Young Liberals will chivalrously rush to the defence of female conservatives who have managed to find their way into parliament, despite the Young Liberal’s strongly held conviction that women are not really people.

When not writing letters or opinion articles, or pleasuring themselves while listening to talkback radio, Young Liberals like to relax by drinking pre-mixed drinks and laughing at minorities. Which brings us rather neatly to:

The
Patriot
. A fierce and combative Rightoid who loves nothing more than his country – and hates nothing more than people who don’t love nothing more than their country – the Patriot is a Bloke who, deep down in his bones, feels the profound truth that Australia must be protected from those who would destroy it. Those who would destroy it generally include most other Australians, which is why the Patriot has such a big job on his hands. While most Blokes, in fact, have patriotic leanings, only Patriots take these leanings to extremes which might reasonably be called ‘quite funny, really’. The Patriot’s main concern is terrorists, who, according to recent Patriot surveys, make up around 80% of the world’s population. Patriots are reasonably certain that Australia is on the brink of suffering an apocalyptic terrorist attack if immigration policy is not instantly reversed.