The Book of Bloke (11 page)

Physically, Outrageous Deluxes tend to be small, compact, and extremely well-toned, although there are exceptions, and large, hairy specimens can be spotted in Deluxe enclaves. It is important that members of the public exercise caution when making contact with the larger variety of Deluxe, as his hug can be as powerful as a fully-grown grizzly bear’s, although of course it will smell much better.

Some believe that the Outrageous Deluxe is related to the Fauxke, particularly the Reticulated Drainpipe, because they both tend to like horrible music in an ironic way. However, it is believed that the two breeds are not genetically connected, but that early Deluxe clans made contact with Drainpipe tribes who passed on their religion, causing Irony to be a major element in Deluxe society in modern times.

A Bloke who is closely related to the Outrageous Deluxe is the
Reverse Outrageous Deluxe
. This Bloke is exactly the same as the Outrageous Deluxe, but likes girls. The Reverse Deluxe believes that acting like he wants to have sex with men is a good way to convince women to have sex with him. Nobody knows why this is – further study is needed, but nobody cares enough to do it.

A different approach to the opposite sex is taken by the
Femimale
, an exotic offshoot of the Neo-Handholder who likes to spend most of his time with women, and, if possible, convince everyone that he is one. The Femimale is a common enough Snag, although he often is the target of opprobrium from other Blokes due to his radical belief that women are people.

Femimales come in all shapes and sizes, and it is an urban myth that they are exclusively small, thin, and ginger. In fact, they can grow up to two metres tall, and are often chronic overeaters. Like the Neo-Handholder, the Femimale is defined much less by his physical characteristics, and more by his chosen tactics in the battle to convince women to remove their clothes in his presence. Compared to the Handholder, the Femimale tends towards a less personal approach to these efforts: his main weapon is politics. In essence, the Femimale is devoted heart and soul to convincing people how committed to the feminist cause he is. ‘I am proud to call myself a feminist,’ the Femimale will often declare loudly and in public, and often to complete strangers, attracting odd looks. In social situations, the Femimale will always try to steer conversations towards the subject of the misogynistic depictions of women in the media, and the double standards that persist even to this day in our supposedly ‘enlightened’ society. ‘It just makes me so …
angry
,’ he will sigh, gazing soulfully at his drink as he ponders the injustice of the world. If you find yourself in a social situation with a Femimale, you can try to avoid this gambit by talking about sport, although you have to be cunning about this: if the Femimale sees where the discussion is heading, he will attempt to divert it as he has no wish to advertise his love of sport, because sport is sexist. You can also try to smother the conversation – like throwing a blanket over a fire – by bringing up sexism in Islam, which will confuse the Femimale and make him go quiet while he tries to figure out what his opinion is. Whatever you do, do not ask the Femimale if he’s seen any good movies lately, or you may be there all night talking about the misogyny in
Love, Actually
. Don’t talk about work either, unless you want to hear at length about the pay gap.

The Femimale will tend to be more successful in his sexual aims than his cousin the Neo-Handholder, because focusing his efforts on the sociopolitical sphere allows him to avoid being seen as a sexless platonic friend. His righteous anger at the misogyny running rampant in society can even look quite manly in the right light, and Femimales are indeed well-known for their ability to form fulfilling physical relationships with women until someone more attractive comes along.

Yet another approach to the eternal Snag dilemma of ‘how do I get some?’ is taken by the
Foodie
, a passionate and highly strung Bloke easily recognisable by his burnt fingers and general air of tension. The Foodie, like many Snags, is a relatively recent breed, developing from older Snag varieties as a result of the modern belief that cooking is more interesting than it actually is.

The Foodie likes to spend about half his time cooking, and the other half talking about cooking. Following the nonexistent aphorism that the way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach, the Foodie looks to dazzle the opposite sex with the delicious flavours and intricate presentation of a variety of dishes. Taking his cue from the vast community of celebrity chefs, the Foodie obsessively hones his technique, greedily absorbing all the information he can from cookbooks, television programmes and newspaper lift-outs in order to impress. This information may consist of recipes, culinary techniques, or snatches of wisdom like ‘food is a metaphor for life’ or ‘all we need to know can be learned in the kitchen’. For this reason, the Foodie is often a solitary Snag whose friends try not to talk to him too much.

The Foodie is also an insecure Snag, as may be evidenced by his food-based efforts to garner love and admiration from a cruel, unfeeling world. This is especially noticeable in what might be called the Foodie Catchphrase: ‘The world’s greatest chefs are men’. This is a mantra repeated by most Foodies at least ten times a day in order to reassure themselves that they’re not being girly.

The Foodie can be an excellent and useful companion, particularly if you like crispy duck or raspberry cheesecake, but one should be careful not to form too great an attachment to a Foodie, lest you be asked to help wash up or have to pretend you’re interested in egg whites.

All in all, Snags are friendly, amiable Blokes who do a lot to ensure the ongoing civility and good humour of the Bloke community. Although a relatively new species, they have done much to improve society by toning down the more primitive and bestial aspects of the typical Bloke. They have also taught other Blokes a lot about good grooming and hair product, which can only be a good thing. Snags also contribute a lot to the economy through their purchase of designer clothes and preference for Fair Trade coffee. Although it is often said, half-jokingly, that ‘if Snags end up ruling the world, I’ll shoot myself in the face’, in reality everyone loves a Snag, figuratively speaking, and the world of Blokes would be a less pleasant place without them.

Did you know
… Blokes have been identified in other species as well, such as the Eastern Grey Kangaroo, which includes in every mob a group of Blokeroos, whose task in kangaroo society is to sit on the ground with their legs apart watching lizards fight; and the common koala, who lives exclusively on eucalyptus leaves and stubbies. This tendency was first noticed by the legendary Bloke, Arthur ‘Arsestain’ Klanger, who was raised by koalas as an infant until the age of twenty-seven, and later became secretary of the Australian Council of Trade Unions.

The best way to describe a Bloke's Bloke is that he is the Bloke that all other Blokes wish they could be. With some species, such as the Veteran, this desire is stated openly; others such as the Snag or the Artist conceal it behind a thin veil of insincere denial; others still, such as the Bogan, are deluded enough to believe they actually are Bloke's Blokes. But whatever kind of Bloke you're looking at, he will worship one or more kind of Bloke's Bloke, or go around loudly and insistently proclaiming how much he hates Bloke's Blokes as a cover for how much he loves them.

Strong, bronzed, attractive, and, above all, incredibly and undeniably
Australian
, Bloke's Blokes bestride the world like colossi, less men than living gods, stepping from the pages of mythology into our hearts, and guiding us like mighty beacons upon the right and proper path of Blokedom. A Bloke's Bloke is a Bloke who knows what it means to be a Bloke, who knows how a Bloke should act and the sort of ideals a Bloke should try to live up to. He is a Bloke who understands the essence of Blokehood, a Bloke who strives in everything he says and does to be as Blokeish as he can, and a Bloke who uses the word ‘Bloke' at every conceivable opportunity: because a Bloke's Bloke is above all a man of the people, or, to put it more poetically, a Bloke of the Blokes. He has no time for pussyfooting around with fancy language or philosophical chicanery – he's a straightforward, honest Bloke, and he carries with him the happy spirit of Blokes throughout history.

Bloke's Blokes are accepted as the right and proper role models for all Australian boys, and all loving parents will urge their sons to try to emulate their nearest Bloke's Bloke as much as possible. Indeed, many parents actually hire Bloke's Blokes to spend time with their boys in an attempt to steer them onto the right path, particularly if the parents suspect their child might be an Artist or a Leftite or, worst of all, a girl. And although Bloke's Blokes can't work miracles – particularly if one's child does, in fact, possess female genitalia – there's no doubt that a few sessions with a Bloke's Bloke every week will make sure your kid turns out a whole lot Blokier than he would have otherwise.

Bloke's Blokes are easily recognised by their rippling muscles, usually built up through honest, worthy toil under the blazing Aussie sun, as well as by their rugged handsomeness, their noble, far-seeing gaze, and their willingness to be a friend and helper to all. They can also be identified by their preferred mode of dress, which will often include a worn but lovingly tended Akubra hat, and a pair of very small shorts that on anyone else would be absolutely disgusting, but on a Bloke's Bloke are just sensational.

Bloke's Blokes can be found anywhere throughout Australia, being equally at home walking the mean streets of the city or roaming the wide-open outback, as comfortable treading the paths of the suburbs as hacking through the bush with a machete. If you want to find a Bloke's Bloke, a good place to look would be at the head of an adoring crowd of other Blokes. Bloke's Blokes' personal habits include being great, having lots of friends, building a better future for our children, and drinking beer. Bloke's Blokes always love a beer, because beer is what a real Bloke drinks, and they know it is the fuel that drives the great Australian ship of state. They also like enormous steaks and chicken parmas, but they are nothing if not cosmopolitan, and will, when the chance arises, happily eat Chinese food and pasta, because a Bloke's Bloke, while quintessentially Australian, is wise enough to recognise the value of other cultures. It is always best if there are chips, though.

In a nutshell: Bloke's Blokes are what made this country great. The first Bloke's Blokes arrived on the First Fleet, and most historians think that everyone would have starved within a few months were it not for those pioneer Bloke's Blokes and their ability to wrench sustenance from the soil and strangle kangaroos with their bare hands. Their continuing influence can be seen throughout Australian history, from the gold rush, when Bloke's Blokes discovered the precious metal by stamping on the ground and demanding it come out; to Federation, when well-known Bloke's Bloke, Henry Parkes, declared it was time for Blokes to have their own independent nation, and bent the rest of the country to his will with the power of his mighty beard. In every major war Australia has fought in, it has been Bloke's Blokes leading the way, fighting bravely for freedom and justice against both overwhelming odds and those anti-Blokes who tried to sabotage their efforts. A good example of this is Gallipoli, where a small crack squad of Bloke's Blokes overwhelmed the superior numbers of the Blokeless Turkish army, and was on the verge of overrunning Europe and ending the war when the weak-kneed sissies in England demanded they pull back and let the Turks win – allegedly because they were jealous of the Bloke's Blokes' muscles and didn't want them showing the world how weak and girly the English were in comparison.

Naturally, Australia has always revered its Bloke's Blokes, and the greatest of these are immortalised in paintings, in songs, and with enormous statues outside sporting venues. Bloke's Blokes are relatively rare in politics as they prefer to stay above the common fray and be non-partisan forces for good, but they certainly influence political life inasmuch as all politicians strive to convince the public that they
are
Bloke's Blokes, deep down inside. Politicians who are considered, by some historians, to have been Bloke's Blokes include Bob Hawke, Ben Chifley, Bob Katter, and, according to some schools of thought, Amanda Vanstone. Other experts assert that no politician could be a Bloke's Bloke, as a true Bloke's Bloke would never enter politics, due to the strain it would put on his adventurous exploits and winning of hearts. Still others argue that Bloke's Blokes are so selfless and committed to their country, they would make the sacrifice if they truly believed that a political career was the best way they could serve Australia; it's just that this is rarely the case, so most of the species devote themselves to football, farming and shooting things for the greater good. Bloke's Blokes are particularly prominent in the history of sport; the world is united in its agreement that Bloke's Blokes make Australia the number one sporting nation on Earth, with more athletic firepower per capita than any other. Between 1896 and 2008, Australia won, by most estimates, over eight thousand Olympic gold medals, 95% of which went to Bloke's Blokes, and the rest to showjumpers or possibly women. Australia even dominates the Winter Olympics these days, thanks to Bloke's Blokes such as Steven Bradbury, who won a gold medal for speed skating despite having never actually seen ice before; the sheer power of his Blokiness was such that his opponents simply collapsed in awe.

Bloke's Blokes are much admired for their successful courtship rituals, which have a strike-rate comparable only to some of the less feminist species of wasp. An old Blokeish saying has it that ‘A Bloke tries his luck with women, but a Bloke's Bloke makes his luck try him,' and for many years scholars have been trying to figure out exactly what that means, as it seems to make no sense whatsoever. An easier to understand saying goes, ‘Once you've had a Bloke's Bloke, you'll never go back, and even walking might be a problem'. This seems to be borne out by field research suggesting that the Bloke's Bloke's sexual prowess is such that if, while in the throes of the reproductive act, he could be hooked up to a power plant, he could light Wagga Wagga for a month.

The Bloke's Bloke's mating ritual is a deceptively simple one: although all studies indicate that the average Bloke's Bloke really only has to smile to get a woman into bed, most breeds do undertake a slightly more elaborate routine, which usually begins with the ‘approach', in which the Bloke's Bloke will say to his chosen mate, ‘how ya goin'?' Having thus brought the female into heat, the Bloke's Bloke will proceed to the ‘flourish', in which he will display his physical attributes via flexing or fighting drunks, before wooing the woman with tender tokens of his affection, possibly by buying her a beer or taking her for a ride in his ute. In some tribes, Bloke's Blokes will actually allow potential mates to shoot wild dogs from the back of their truck, but this practice is dying out among most Bloke's Bloke clans, replaced in many areas with paintball and/or Dance Dance Revolution. Once the flourish is performed, the Bloke's Bloke will move onto the ‘close', or completion of the mating ritual, wherein he will finally escort his lady friend into bed, or onto the bonnet of a nearby car.

This prowess with the opposite sex naturally provokes reactions in other Blokes who might happen to be nearby, ranging from intense, seething jealousy, to rather sad attempts to emulate their betters. All these reactions are understandable given that the great majority of Bloke energy is expended on the struggle to get females to rub bits of themselves up against Blokes. Indeed, certain of the more radical school of modern neo-Blokeologists have suggested that almost all variations in Bloke behaviour, and even speciation, may in fact be due to nothing more than lesser Blokes attempting to compensate for, distract people from, or forget about, the chilling fear that their penises are much, much smaller than the typical Bloke's Bloke's. Other equally radical theories hold that Bloke's Blokes are in fact the only true Blokes, and all other species are actually particularly cunning bipedal breeds of ferret, although those who follow this line of thought have yet to gain significant traction in the scientific community. The penis thing, though, has definite possibilities, as there is no doubt most Blokes of all kinds spend an unusual amount of their time fixated on the subject.

Culturally, Bloke's Blokes tend to be relatively simple and straightforward, having little time for the arcane or the introspective; Bloke's Blokes in the wild have been observed to be driven into a violent frenzy simply by the suggestion that they should go and see a film with subtitles. Bloke's Blokes, on the whole, do not read books, although they do write them – an excellent illustration of the typical Bloke's Bloke philosophy of ‘don't think, do'. Generally books written by Bloke's Blokes take the form of life stories, helpful motivational tracts, and collections of hilarious jokes they have heard from people who got them out of other joke books. Bloke's-Bloke-penned books tend to be massive bestsellers and make up a decent slice of the Bloke's Bloke economy.

Apart from those already mentioned, some of the most prominent Bloke's Blokes to make a significant mark in the public eye include cricketer Steve Waugh, pioneer of the ‘granite stare' that has since become fashionable among discerning Bloke's Blokes; celebrity animal-toucher Steve Irwin, and, to a lesser extent, his wife; actor and beard craftsman Bill Hunter; and soldier-doctor-superhero Edward ‘Weary' Dunlop, so called because he often grew tired of people not being Blokey enough. There are many, many other famous Bloke's Blokes, too many to list here; as a rule of thumb, however, almost anyone who has ever been photographed holding up a trophy or a dead animal is a Bloke's Bloke.

All Bloke's Blokes share an unbreakable bond of honour, respect, and larrikinish good humour, but, as previously discussed, there are a number of different strains of Bloke's Bloke roaming our streets and fields, making our lives better. Some of the more common Bloke's Bloke varieties include:

The
Athlete
. The Athlete is the personification of all those qualities that we aspire to possess, but sadly don't due to our genetic flaws and innate laziness. Strong of limb, determined of mind, and ruthless in his pursuit of victory – without compromising that sense of fair play that sets the land of Blokes apart from the natural-born cheaters of other countries – the Athlete represents all that is good and Blokey, and is the closest thing yet discovered to material evidence that gods do indeed walk the earth. The Athlete runs, jumps, kicks and catches his way across our playing fields and television screens, inspiring youngsters to a healthier, more meaningful life, and teaching important lessons about the value of hard work, perseverance and endorsements.

The Athlete is an aristocratic breed of Bloke, and often demands tribute from his subjects, either in the form of money or gestures of worship. If the tribute is sufficient, the Athlete may bless his people with a public display of his skills, or maybe a signed copy of his autobiography.

Athletes can be easily recognised in the wild by their bulging muscles, confident gait and impeccable grooming. The perfection of their hairstyles and the exquisite cut of their suits might lead one to believe they are in fact Metrosexuals, were it not for their enormous biceps and eagerness to perform acts of violence. Athletes are also distinctive due to their handsome, square-jawed faces, and the general glow of triumph and beauty that surrounds them.

Most Blokes aspire to be Athletes of one kind or another, and those who say they don't are most probably lying. The Athlete's only handicap is that his rigorous training and single-minded drive to achieve sculpted physical perfection frequently leaves him with an excess build-up of various bodily fluids, which he is forced to expel wherever convenient – usually the outside of a police station or the body of a teenage fan. However, it should be remembered that, as Athletes, they cannot help these occasional involuntary expulsions, and the police/fans are generally quite grateful anyway.

Grateful is what we should all be for the
Crocodile Hunter
, a Bloke's Bloke who excels at maintaining the safety of the public while simultaneously providing an invaluable educational service.

There is often some confusion among the general public as to just what constitutes a Crocodile Hunter, with some believing the appellation should only be applied to those Blokes who hold an official, paid crocodile-hunting position within a corporation or non-profit organisation. In fact, one does not have to be an official crocodile hunter to be considered one of the breed, the scientific consensus being that the term ‘Crocodile Hunter' applies to any manly Bloke who enjoys roaming the countryside in tiny shorts.