The Boy Who Came in From the Cold (30 page)

“No, Todd. You didn’t ruin anything. And I’m not sorry at all. I feel….” He took a deep breath. “I feel closer to you. I bet it took a lot to tell that story.”

A look of gratitude took over Todd’s face. “Me too,” he said. “Feel closer to you. In fact… I’m feeling all kinds of things,” he said, his voice cracking on the last word. He blushed. “I also feel like a million pounds has been lifted off my shoulders. Keeping that inside was like… it was like a cancer inside me.”

Gabe looked away.
Shit. Shitfire
.
“What?” Todd asked.

Gabe looked into those huge brown eyes and felt his heart turn inside out.
Shitfire!

 

“Gabe?”

Gabe felt Todd’s hand come to a rest on his. Again. It squeezed. Then using his own words against him, Todd said, “You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to, Gabe. But I’m here for you. You can tell me. Anything.”

But could he? What would Todd think?
“Let’s go for a walk,” he said.
Todd nodded and Gabe asked for the check. He did indeed give a

big tip. The waiter was marvelous. Maybe he had a boyfriend he could spend the money on.

So they left the restaurant and headed east. Gabe wasn’t even sure how they wound up holding hands. Only that it surprised him when he realized it. He looked down—
how long has it been since I’ve done this? Why, two years and counting! Isn’t that what this drama is about?
—and then smiled. Looked at Todd, who was obviously nervous about what they were doing. Gave him a nod of encouragement.

They didn’t talk for a while. They walked several blocks to where the street ended at J.C. Nichols Parkway and then turned left, toward the Memorial Fountain—where else? He should have known that was where they were heading. Didn’t he love the fountain more than just about any other place in Kansas City? It was huge and dominated by sculptures of horses that were supposed to represent the world’s great rivers—at least, that is what he’d read. Thought he’d read. Funny that he loved it so much but knew so little about it. Especially considering it was Kansas City’s most famous fountain, and one of its most known landmarks. A pretty special claim considering Kansas City was known as America’s “City of Fountains.”

How native
, he thought. Isn’t that the way? Tourists knew more about a city’s attractions than the people who saw them every day.
Once on a visit to San Francisco, he’d gone on a tour and saw that the best place to catch his bus was at a place called the Pioneer Monument. He’d found a huge set of statues right between the Public Library and the Asian Art Museum (as described in the brochure), but he wasn’t sure if it was the right place or not. It just about had to be because, while he thought that was Hera at its summit, what with her shield with the Medusa, there were also some figures that looked like pioneers. The funny thing was, when he asked a cop—a cop
obviously
on her beat—she didn’t know!
What Gabe knew was that he loved the statues of the horses in the J.C. Nichols fountain and their huge masculine riders, the frolicking dolphins, all of it bombarded by jets of water. Of course, there was no water today. Sadly, Kansas City’s fountains were turned off during the winter months to keep them from freezing and being damaged. But it was still gorgeous. How often had he wound up here? Sometimes he would stop and rest while on a particularly long run. He’d passed it every year during AIDS Walk. Sometimes he drove here specifically just to look up into the faces that dominated it, human and animal alike.
He’d never held hands with a man here before, though. He’d tried it with Daniel, but he’d jerked his hand away as if scalded. His flamboyant boyfriend had worried that people would think they were gay. The thought made him laugh out loud.
“What?” asked Todd as they arrived at the giant fountain, still holding hands.

He gave Todd’s hand a slight squeeze. “You okay with this?” he asked.
Todd cleared his throat. Bit his lip. Looked around nervously. “I think,” he said. “It’s not like anyone I know is going to see me.” He looked up into Gabe’s eyes.

He’s the perfect height
, Gabe thought. He loved to be just a bit taller than a lover—not that they were that. But he liked the feeling of caretaking it gave him. He had no interest in being with a woman, never had. Not once. But he always seemed to wind up with effeminate men. Ignorant people would ask if he was the “man,” and if his boyfriends were the “woman,” and he had to bite his tongue to keep from telling them that since he loved taking it up the ass, did that still make him the man?

Todd isn’t the least bit effeminate.
He’s also not my boyfriend.
You want him to be.

Oh, God
, he thought, looking down into—
falling
into—Todd’s eyes.
Yes. Yes yes yes, I do
.
How? I barely know him? No such thing as falling in love this fast!

Todd was looking around again, although Gabe could tell Todd was trying to do it circumspectly.
I’m not looking
, Todd’s subtle movements and furtive glances told Gabe.
See me not looking?
Too bad Gabe could read him. Part of his gift. His fucking gift.

But then Todd’s face lit up, and Gabe followed his gaze to see where he was looking. And there, about a third of the way around the fountain, were two men, holding hands.

Todd looked up again into Gabe’s eyes, and his smile was radiant.
It’s okay. We’re not the only ones
, was what Todd’s eyes said.
He’s beginning to admit it. Right before my eyes
.

It was all Gabe could do not to kiss him.

 

And it’s Brett all over again? Isn’t that what you liked so much? Watching him accept himself. Wanting to be his first?

Shitfire. This was not going to work. He would not let Todd be another Brett. He couldn’t. Wouldn’t. And the first step was to tell Todd all about it. Then the ghost of Brett would lose its power.

“Okay. I’ll tell you now,” Gabe said.
“I’m listening,” Todd said, his voice hopeful.
Gabe sighed, then sat down on the ledge of the fountain. “Okay,” he said finally. “I had a boyfriend named Daniel….”

Chapter 16

 

“WE METat Peter’s New Year’s party, believe it or not. Four years

ago. Daniel caught my attention right away, leaning against a counter in this huge kitchen. He was beautiful, with this tight curly dark-brown hair and big dark-brown eyes, and he was drinking a glass of wine, and he was practically touching foreheads with this guy, and right away I was jealous. Isn’t that stupid? Jealous!”

Todd wasn’t sure if it was stupid or not. He’d never really had an opportunity to be jealous before. He gave a half shrug and nodded for Gabe to continue.

“They were talking real intimate, you know? And then I somehow, from across that crowded room, heard him say something about graduating, and before I even knew I’d done it, I shouted, ‘Graduated from where?’ He sorta jerked, and he and his friend stopped talking and stared at me, and I was so embarrassed I almost hightailed it out of there.”

Gabe smiled, then crossed his leg, leaned on his knee. “Then he walked up to me and told me he’d just gotten his bachelor’s degree from the Kansas City Art Institute. I thought that was pretty cool. Then he told me the degree was in graphic design. Sadly, everybody and their foot doctor had one as well, and it wasn’t likely to score him a job. I guess it’s like an English degree when I went to school, what everyone was doing. But I didn’t care. I was smitten. Totally smitten. I just kept staring at his mouth and wanting to kiss him.”

No. Wait. He did know what jealousy was. And for some frigging reason, he was feeling it now. All Gabe had wanted to do was kiss this guy? He’d been staring at his mouth? Todd could almost picture it, and ridiculous or not, he was feeling this shimmer of jealousy! Stupid was the word.

Todd shook himself.
Step back, silly boy, and just listen
.

“So I asked him on a date. I wanted to ask him home, but I wanted to be romantic.”
Romantic? So it could be romantic with two guys? Todd felt his pulse quicken. It wasn’t just sex?

“Of course not,” said Gabe, and once more Todd realized he’d spoken aloud without realizing it. He blushed.

“Oh, Todd. Don’t you see? That’s what ‘gay’ is all about.” He gave Todd a lopsided grin. “I was born homosexual. That I can’t fight. I can ignore it, pretend it isn’t real, but I’ll always be homosexual.”

Born homosexual. Todd’s stomach clenched. “You really think that? That we’re….” He stopped. “That people are born that way?”

Gabe laughed. “Just like the song. Sung by a lady that you have a pretty big liking for, right?”
Todd could hear the words in his head: “Gay, straight, bi, lesbian. Born that way.”

“Now what I had a choice to do was embrace what I was or deny it. For me there was never any thinking about it. I had no interest in females. Never did. It didn’t even occur to me until my buddies started stealing their daddies’
Playboys
. I took one look, was appalled, and knew I would never want anything to do with women. Knew it. Always did. And when I started getting crushes, it was always boys. Just like you, I fell for my best friend.”

“You know,” Todd said, stopping him, even though he had told himself to just listen. “I don’t think I ever was. I know I wasn’t. Austin was too much like… I don’t know. A brother, you know? It would have been like incest.”