The Brain in Love: 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life (29 page)

Pride and denial can get in the way of seeking proper help. People want to be strong and rely on themselves, but I am constantly reminded of the strength it takes to make the decision to get help. Also, getting help should be looked at as a way to get your brain operating at its full capacity.

Angela came to see me for temper problems. Even though she was very competent at work, her behavior at home often caused problems with her husband. When her husband suggested she see me, she resisted. There was nothing wrong with her, she thought, it was everyone else. One day, after exploding at one of her children, she realized it was, at least partly, her fault and agreed to come for help. She resisted because she did not want to be seen as weak or defective. The brain-SPECT scan helped her to see
that her brain needed to be balanced. With the appropriate help, she got better and didn’t have to suffer from mood swings, and she and her family suffered less stress as a result of her better-balanced brain.

What to Do When a Loved One Is in Denial
About Needing Help

Unfortunately, the stigma associated with a “mental illness” prevents many people from getting help. People do not want to be seen as crazy, stupid, or defective and do not seek help until they (or their loved one) can no longer tolerate the pain (at work, in their relationships, or within themselves). Most people do not see psychiatric problems as brain problems, but rather as weak character problems. Men are especially affected by denial.

Many men, when faced with obvious troubles in their marriages, their children, or even themselves, are often unable to really see problems. Their lack of awareness and strong tendency toward denial prevent them from seeking help until more damage than necessary has been done. Many men have to be threatened with divorce before they seek help. Some people may say it is unfair to pick on men. And, indeed, some men see problems long before some women. Overall, however, mothers see problems in children before fathers and are more willing to seek help, and many more wives call for marital counseling than do husbands. What is it in our society that causes men to overlook obvious problems, or to deny problems until it is too late to deal with them effectively or until more damage was done than necessary? Some of the answers may be found in how boys are raised in our society, the societal expectations we place on men, the overwhelming pace of many men’s daily lives, and in the brain.

Boys most often engage in active play (sports, war games, video games, etc.) that involves little dialogue or discussion. The games often involve dominance and submissiveness, winning and losing, and little interpersonal communication. Force, strength, or skill
handles problems. Girls, on the other hand, often engage in more interpersonal or communicative types of play, such as dolls and storytelling. Fathers often take their sons to throw the ball around or shoot hoops, rather than to go for a walk and talk.

Many men retain the childhood notions of competition and the idea that one must be better than others to be any good at all. To admit to a problem is to be less than other men. As a result, many men wait to seek help until their problem has become obvious to the whole world. Other men feel responsible for all that happens in their families, so admitting to a problem is the same as admitting that they have in some way failed.

Clearly, the pace of life prevents many people and particularly men from taking the time to look clearly at the important people in their lives and their relationships with them. When we spend time with fathers and husbands and help them slow down enough to see what is really important to them, more often than not they begin to see the problems and work toward helpful solutions. The issue is generally not one of being uncaring or uninterested; it is not seeing what is there. Men are wired differently than women. Men tend to be more left brained, which gives them better access to logical, detail-oriented thought patterns. Women tend to have greater access to both sides of their brains, with the right side being involved in understanding the gestalt or big picture of a situation. The right side of the brain also seems to be involved in being able to admit to a problem. Many men just don’t see the problems associated with anxiety or depression even though the symptoms may be very clear to others.

Here are several suggestions to help people who are unaware of or unwilling to get the help they need. Try the straightforward approach first (but with a new brain twist). Clearly tell the person what behaviors concern you, and explain that the problems may be due to underlying brain patterns that can be easily tuned up. Tell them help may be available—not help to cure a defect but rather help to optimize how their brain functions. Tell them you know they are trying to do their best, but their behavior, thoughts, or
feelings may be getting in the way of their success (at work, in relationships, or within themselves). Emphasize better function, not defect.

Give them information. Books, videos, and articles on the subjects you are concerned about can be of tremendous help. Many people come to see us due to a book, video, or article. Good information can be very persuasive, especially if it is presented in a positive, life-enhancing way.

When a person remains resistant to help, even after you have been straightforward and given them good information, plant seeds. Plant ideas about getting help and then water them regularly. Drop an idea, article, or other information about the topic from time to time. If you talk too much about getting help, people become resentful and stubbornly won’t get help, especially the overfocused types. Be careful not to go overboard.

Protect your relationship with the other person. People are more receptive to people they trust than to people who nag and belittle them. Work on gaining the person’s trust over the long run. It will make them more receptive to your suggestions. Do not make getting help the only thing that you talk about. Make sure you are interested in their whole lives, not just their potential medical appointments.

Give them new hope. Many people with these problems have tried to get help and it did not work or it made them even worse. Educate them on new brain technology that helps professionals be more focused and more effective in treatment efforts.

There comes a time when you have to say enough is enough. If, over time, the other person refuses to get help, and his or her behavior has a negative impact on your life, you may have to separate yourself. Staying in a toxic relationship is harmful to your health, and it often enables the other person to remain sick as well. Actually, I have seen that the threat or act of leaving motivates people to change, whether it is about drinking, drug use, or treating ADD. Threatening to leave is not the first approach I would take, but after time it may be the best approach. Realize you
cannot force a person into treatment unless they are dangerous to themselves, dangerous to others, or unable to care for themselves. You can only do what you can do. Fortunately, there is a lot more we can do today than even ten years ago.

Finding a Competent Professional Who Uses
This New Brain Science Thinking

The Amen Clinics get many calls, faxes, and e-mails each week from people all over the world looking for competent professionals who think in similar ways to the principles outlined in this book. Because this approach is on the edge of what is new in brain science, other professionals who know and practice this information may be hard to find. However, finding the right professional for evaluation and treatment is critical to the healing process. The right professional can have a very positive impact on your life. The wrong professional can make things worse.

There are a number of steps to take in finding the best person to assist you. The right help is not only cost effective but saves unnecessary pain and suffering, so don’t rely on a person simply because they are on your managed care plan. That person may or may not be a good fit for you. Search for the best. If he or she is on your insurance plan, great, but don’t let that be the primary criteria. Once you get the names of competent professionals, check their credentials. Very few patients ever check a professional’s background. Board certification is a positive credential. To become board certified, physicians must pass additional written and verbal tests. They have had to discipline themselves to gain the skill and knowledge that was acceptable to their colleagues. Don’t give too much weight to the medical school or graduate school the professional attended. I have worked with some doctors who went to Yale and Harvard who did not have a clue on how to appropriately treat patients, while other doctors from less prestigious schools were outstanding, forward thinking, and caring. Set up an interview with the professional to see whether or not you
want to work with him or her. Generally you have to pay for their time, but it is worth spending the money to get to know the people you will rely on for help.

Many professionals write articles or books or speak at meetings or local groups. Read the work of or hear the professional speak, if possible. By doing so, you may be able to get a feel for the person and his or her ability to help you. Look for a person who is open-minded, up-to-date, and willing to try new things. Look for a person who treats you with respect, who listens to your questions, and responds to your needs. Look for a relationship that is collaborative and respectful. I know it is hard to find a professional who meets all of these criteria who also has the right training in brain physiology, but these people can be found. Be persistent. The caregiver is essential to healing.

Do not let pride get in the way of getting the help you need. In order to make a good brain great, you have to admit when you need help.

Lesson #11: Fix the issues that get in the way of great sex
.

A HEALTHIER BRAIN
EQUALS A SEXIER YOU

Strategies to Improve Your Brain and Life

You know you’ve got to exercise your brain just like your muscles
.

—WILL ROGERS

I
am a sucker for a beautiful brain. Usually one needs to be attracted physically to a potential romantic partner, but my brain-imaging work has taught me that it is also a good idea to be attracted to the appearance of a person’s physical brain as well. Ugly brains usually make for ugly relationships. “Beauty and brains” is more than just a cliché. In 2001, CNN International aired a story on my imaging work. News anchor Marina Kolbe spent several days in our clinic watching us work and filming the imaging process; she was even scanned herself as part of our healthy-brain study. Besides being a smart, attractive woman, she also had one of the prettiest brains I had ever seen. Now, to a neuroscientist, that is ever so sexy. She and I have been friends ever since. Her behavior is consistent with her lovely brain. Beauty is much more than skin deep.

Roseanne has been a friend of mine for many years. She is an attractive woman, but not attractive to me. I saw her as anxious,
worried, and fretful. One day her doctor put her on the antidepressant Zoloft to calm her anxiety. Several weeks later I found myself being more interested in her. Something about her was different. Even though she looked the same, she was more appealing. She had an air of confidence that had been missing before the medication. Her smile was brighter and she seemed to have a more genuinely positive internal state. Her eyes had a new, more intense sparkle. Her brain was more relaxed, one of the effects of Zoloft. A healthier brain is associated with a healthier, sexier you.

Since your brain is involved in everything you do, including everything sexual, it follows that a healthy brain is more likely to be associated with more effective behavior, at work, at home, and even in the bedroom. A healthy brain will give you more consistently loving behavior, help you read social cues, and allow you to be a better lover. As in Roseanne’s case, it can even increase your sex appeal. Working to keep your brain healthy increases your chances for loving relationships and great sex.