The Broken Girl (Lonely Girl Book 2) (19 page)

“You won’t lose me
, Keegan. I think you need me as much as I need you.”

We stay this way, feeling the comfort of each other. I must have nodded off because when I look to the clock it’s been three hours since I got here. Keegan is fast asleep. I contemplate staying here like this but that would only lead to more confusion. Quietly and slowly
, I slide out of his grasp. He moves, trying to find me again. In his sleeping state, he snuggles a pillow and I exit the room, closing the door and thinking of the cuteness of Keegan. I turn to see Jake sitting on the couch, looking right at me. Guilt overwhelms me but I push it aside. I’ve done nothing wrong but comfort a friend, who is so lost at the moment that he doesn’t know which way is up.

Walking around the couch
as if I don’t see him, I hear him get up. “So, you will talk to him, but not me.”

I stop and turn to see Jake watching me, gauging my emotions. “Jake
, I’m tired. I have to get back to my place.”

He just glares at me and I know I’m not leaving any time soon. “My bed use
d to be your place.” I feel like I’ve been hit in the gut knocking the wind out of me.

“Well, that was before I realized it wasn’t just me you were inviting in there.” I lash out back at him.

“That’s not fair. I told you I had slept with someone.”

“I never thought it
would be her, so why her, Jake? You had to know it would kill me knowing she’d been with you. What about all those times you told me she was horrible? Why say that about her and send her away only to do this. Please just tell me it’s not true. Tell me this is some way of protecting me… just say it.” My heart is racing.

“Becca
, I wish I could, believe me. It’s why I didn’t tell you.” His look begs me. I want to scream at him but it won’t solve anything.

“Do you want it to be your baby?” He just stares at me
, not answering me. I know the damage is done. “When did it happen, Jake?”

“Does it matter?” He looks torn but I push him harder.

“When? I deserve that, don’t I? He nods and his words are like knives.

“The night of the party.”

“When she drugged me?”

I am doing everything to keep myself calm. Jake just looks down and nods. “So I guess she just wasn’t trying to get me out of the way for Keegan. Funny though
, I never knew I was in the way with you, Jake. You were the one I knew more than anything I loved and you loved me too. That’s gone now.”

He jumps up and runs to me
, placing his hands on my arms. “Don’t say that, Becca.”

“Jake, what did you expect? Was this before or after you walked away from me while I was calling out for you?” Please say before.

“Right after.” Just like that, it’s over.

“Jake, I would have followed you anywhere. Done anything for you. Right now I don’t know what you want me to say other than I can’t accept this. I won’t
. If you ask me to, I don’t think you love me like you say you do,” I respond.

“Becca
, I do love you, and I will always love you. But she could be carrying my child. You can’t hate me for wanting to be there for her. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be the person you love.” Turning away from him, I try and catch my breath.

“Loved
,” I whisper.

“You can’t stop loving someone just like that
, Becca,” Jake says defensively.

“Yes
, I can, and you know why? I was lying there unconscious, in possible danger, and you were screwing the girl that put me in that position. Keegan told me he called you to come and you didn’t until you knew how bad it was. Why, Jake? Was he interrupting?”

Jake takes a step away from me looking hurt. “It didn’t mean anything, but I cannot walk away from my obligations now.” Hating him for this would be easy, but I understand a part of this.

“You know what she’s done to me, but you stand by her?” He just nods.

“When Keegan called you the night before I left, you were still planning on coming. Was his call the reason you told me to go alone? Did you lie to me,
and make it out to be like I needed it?” Jake’s fist clench and I know I’ve struck a nerve.

“Yes. I wanted to figure it out,
but then you didn’t come home and I figured it would be better to find out in person.”

“No
, Jake. It would be better if this wasn’t even an option. Of everyone in my life, I’ve always depended on you. Well, that’s it. You’ve done something we can’t fix. I’m done.” I start walking away but he grabs my arm, turning me around to him.

“I missed the hell out of you
, Becca.” I feel for him because I know he’s trying to remind me of our history. Unfortunately, Sarah might be his future and this angers me.

“Was that before or after you screwed the one person I hate. God
, Jake, if it were anyone else I would be able to deal. You’re such a fuckhead! I don’t know why I’m surprised. Whenever something good happens, it all goes to hell. I just didn’t think you’d be the one doing the irreparable damage, Jacob.”

“We had something beautiful and you turned it to shit. Twice now
, this despicable woman has ruined me. Taken those I love from me. Now you stand by her, and now you want to be the father of her child. I would understand dealing with her once you know it’s your child, like my brother and Keegan plan on doing. That’s the problem though. They know that if they’re the dad, they are stuck with her. They don’t want that. I just never thought it would be you I’d lose to her. That night meant everything to me. I gave you everything I had, but that’s all I could give you. It wasn’t enough. We’re over, Jake. ” My voice is giving away how much this is hurting me.

 
“No, what we did and what I felt…that doesn’t just end. I won’t let you end us, Becca.”  Jake takes a step forward and I move, putting distance between us.

“Jake
, when I was gone, all I wanted was less distance between us. I thought it was because I was gone. Come to find out I’ve never felt more distant to you than I do right now standing five feet away from you,” I say.

“No, you’re not ending us.” He
continues to argue.

“You did this. You’re nothing more than a liar
, Jake. You say you hid this from me so you didn’t lose me. Well, Keegan didn’t and that’s why he hasn’t lost me. But it looks like you have. I’m giving up on you, Jake, because clearly you’ve given up on me.” With that, I walk out the door holding my head high. He may not think I have a right to be upset but I know I deserve better and it’s time I start acting like it.

Walking away from the house
, I hear the door open and close behind me. Mentally I start preparing for another round with Jake.

“Let me take you home
, Becca?” I turn to see Drake and Alec standing there.

“You heard everything
, didn’t you?” They both nod. “Well, then you know I’m emotionally exhausted and I just want to go home.” My brother opens the door for me and Drake gets in the back with me.

“Becca
, for what it’s worth, they both still love you.” I smile to Drake at his kind words however minimal they are.

“That’s what makes it so much more painful.” As we pull away
, the tears start to fall. I’d done so well hiding them from Jake.

When we get there, Drake and Alec hug me. Drake looks at me and I know he’s going to say something he thinks I might hate him for. “I think you need to realize Jake might not be this person you made him out to be. No one can live under that type of pressure. He loves you
, Becca. He was only trying to spare your feelings.”

I look at him
, hoping my words don’t fail me. “I think you are right, Drake, but I’ve determined that no matter the best intentions, lying to those you love is never the answer. I’ll find someone, someone that loves me enough to not make me cry.”

He gives me a tight squeeze. “Maybe hottie professor.” He chuckles and I laugh at his words too. He leaves me and gets back in the car.

“Becca, I’m sorry for tonight. There is so much to deal with and it’s mostly my fault.” Alec is the last person who should be apologizing.

“Alec
, you all thought with your dicks instead of your brains. I’d love to say that this will all be okay, but it won’t.” All I want is to move on from this.

“I will do anything I can to help you and Keegan, but that’s all I can do. I won’t be around her. She’s done something I will never forgive or forget.” Looking up into the night sky
, I’m wishing I were anywhere but here. For a second I think I’ve said it out loud because of Alec.

“Becca
, you can’t stay here out of guilt.” With those words, I know my brother just set me free. He gave me everything at that moment.

He told me he wouldn’t stop me from leaving.

Becca

Charlotte and Drake have been hovering over me for the last several weeks. Getting back into classes and group projects was overwhelming with all the added drama. I haven’t spoken to Jake the entire time. He’s stayed away and I haven’t gone looking. Keegan and I are making a try at being friends. He handles it well, considering the guys who have come around. Although that may be because I continue to shoot them all down.  My heart just isn’t in it. Classes are boring and I miss art daily. I’ve found that my books are full of sketches and new supply lists for painting more than actual notes.

To say I haven’t thought about leaving Thunder Bay every
single day since my brother told me not to stay out of guilt, would be lying. I’m waiting for something; I just don’t know what exactly that is yet. Somehow I feel that there will be this fleeting moment where everything comes together and I know I’m making the right choice. Bad choices are something I just can’t afford any more. Keeping busy has been my main goal. I find myself less stir crazy then. When I say I’m studying in my room, I’m really painting and working on new techniques. Getting lost in each stroke and not having to use my words to explain everything is a new type of freedom.

Keegan and Alec stopped taking my excuses a few days ago when they realized I’d walked into my class with paint on me. Did I mention Keegan is the
teacher’s assistant in one of my classes? Busted… So now here I am. Today is the first game I’ve been able to make it to. Sitting in the crowd, I feel disconnected. Last year I was, whether I knew it or not, in love with two of the players. Now I’m just a regular spectator or at least that’s what I tell myself. Watching the men warming up, who have broken my heart more times than I can count, is frustrating. On one hand, I’m happy to just be seeing Jake. On the other hand, I never want to look at him again. Keegan is just different lately, in an amazing sort of way.

Sarah is sitting a few benches over and lower than me. Her belly is growing every day. She still hasn’t agreed to the testing yet. She keeps coming up with reasons to put it off. ‘I’m tired
. I don’t feel well. Maybe next week.’ I know what she’s doing. Thinking she can have the three of them jumping when she calls. My brother doesn’t even answer any more. He told her when he sees the results, he will help, and only with the child. After everything that came to light, he told her in more ways than one exactly how it was going to go with him being the father. He even threatened to use my drugging as a way to get full custody.

Keegan, she came around a bit at first
, but he made it clear that he will never have anything to do with her. Not now, not ever, and no matter the results. He didn’t need to be in her life to be a father. We talked about it because I wanted to make sure he wasn’t doing this for me. If he wanted to be a part of this, I wouldn’t stop him. Watching the boys continue to warm up, I notice Keegan waving me down to one of the doors that are still open to the rink.

Getting down
, I go to him. He looks so much like the guy I met almost two years ago but somehow I feel more connected now than I did when we were together. “Bec, I was hoping you’d show up.” I sigh because I know this is my fault. Every time there was a game, I would come up with something. Seeing this just brought back so many memories good and bad. Taking off his helmet, he shakes out his hair and my senses are overwhelmed. Keegan let his hair grow out a bit longer than he usually chooses to keep it. I can’t say I do not like it either.

“You’ve got helmet hair
, Keegan.”

Keegan laughs at me and shakes my hair with his glove. Smiling up at him
, I see we’ve come further than I thought. “Now we both have messy hair, but you still look amazing. I’m just a smelly hockey player.” Without thinking, I lean in, smelling him.

I smile at him. “No, you smell like Keegan.”

He chuckles at me. “Does this mean Keegan smells like a smelly hockey player?” He smirks.

I smack him for his flirting but answer him anyway. “No
, it means you smell amazing and I’d jump you here if it wasn’t a crowded arena.” Giving him my best sassy smile, I pull his jersey so he comes towards me, giving him a tight hug.