The Candidate (26 page)

‘What do you want me to say, Mac? That I’ll wait for you?’

He looked at her sharply and she could see he was as shocked as she was that she had cut to the chase so quickly.

‘Will you?’ When she didn’t reply, he went on. ‘Did you hear me last night? I’m in love with you, Ginny. I don’t want this to end.’

It was a bit more real in the cold light of day, and it scared the bejesus out of her. Her well-developed sense of self-preservation kicked in. ‘This has only been going on a few weeks. You don’t know that. You can’t say that.’

‘This has been going on more than half my adult life, Ginny. I know what I want. And I want you. I sure as hell don’t want other men buying you fucking flowers for you to display on your fucking kitchen table!’

She looked away, took a sip of coffee and wondered if she could shut this down.

‘I’ve got one, maybe two more years in NZSAS. Tops. It will go in a flash.’

She thought about him leaving, about him being gone and couldn’t help it — she started to cry.

‘Lickety-split, Ginn,’ he said softly. ‘I promise. It will go so fast.’

‘When are you going? What about your knee?’

‘My knee is fine. It was only superficial. I got cleared before Christmas.’

She shook her head, feeling just a little played. ‘Why are you still here then? If you were cleared?’

‘I wasn’t ready …’ He let out a breath. ‘After Nick died … I wasn’t good for anything, even after I got patched up. I needed some time, and they gave me that. But I told you yesterday. The rest of my unit are back and it’s time I got back, too.’

‘When are you going?’ she repeated.

‘Will you wait for me?’ he asked, ignoring her question with one of his own. ‘Will you give this a shot, Ginn?’

She shook her head and wiped her nose with her sleeve. ‘I can’t do it, Mac. I just can’t.’ She looked up at him, saw everything she felt reflected in his eyes and wished she was stronger. ‘I’d be too scared, Mac. Worrying about you would drive me nuts.’ She’d worry anyway, but if he were hers — like Nick had been Philippa’s — that worry would leave her useless for anything else. Her business, her friends, her life.

He studied her closely. ‘Do you want this, Ginn? Will you give us a chance, because if you will, the decision is pretty easy to make. I’ll stop now. If that’s what it takes.’

‘I can’t ask you to make that decision for me. You love what you do; it’s who you are.’

‘You’re not asking me to do anything, Ginny. I’m telling you I’ll do it.’ He walked over and took her face in his hands. ‘I love you more. It’s only part of who I am, not all of me.’

She shook her head and moved away. The distance felt much greater than the step she took, but it was the only way. ‘No. You’ll end up hating me. You’ll blame me for making you give it up. I’ll lose you.’

‘Is that your standard line for not taking the next step with me? That you’ll lose me?’ He looked at her, and she could see the disbelief on his face, hear it in his voice. ‘You spin that one out every time. Can’t you see that I’m telling you the opposite?’ There was a beat of silence between them. ‘Hasn’t it occurred to you that you’ll lose me anyway?’

‘What do you mean?’ There was a threat there, and it made her throat tighten.

‘What do you expect me to do, if you don’t give this a chance? You think I’ll be able to step back into the role of “mate”? Smile and be happy when you tell me the next time I’m in town that you’ve met someone else? Dance at your fucking wedding? Maybe if I’m lucky you’ll let me cop a feel, just for old time’s sake, before I hand you over to the new Mr Hayes.’ He jabbed his finger at her, his voice rising. ‘What kind of man do you think I am? I’d rip his fucking arm off, Ginny. Jesus.’ He turned and walked away from her.

‘Of course I don’t think it’d be easy! For either of us. But I’ve told you, Mac.’ She waited until he looked at her again. ‘I can’t be with you while you’re NZSAS. I just can’t. And I can’t see how you could be with me if you gave it up because of me. I’m not saying I know what the answer is, but so far I haven’t heard it.’

‘What would you say, Ginny, if it wasn’t for the job? Can you at least tell me that? How you feel?’

She shook her head, overwhelmed and unable to put it into words. Too scared to say it. Once out, it would be too real. It would leave her wide open to hurt, and she didn’t believe she could take it. She could pull out every word she knew, learn a new language even, and still be unable to tell him how much he meant to her, and how integral he was to her life.

‘Can you just answer me?!’ Mac was nearly shouting. ‘You tell me to let you in, so here you are, Ginn — this is it. What I want. What I feel. And you just stand there, shaking your head at me?’ He waited, but she stayed silent. ‘Does that mean no, Ginn? That you don’t want this? Ginn!’ He shouted for real. ‘Would you just fucking speak?’

‘I can’t do it, Mac. I just can’t,’ she blurted. ‘I told you — I’m not built for this. I don’t have it in me.’ Shaking, she covered her face with her hands, not wanting to look at him. If she did, she’d lose her resolve and that would be that. She’d meant what she said: she couldn’t see a way through it, or how it could work.

Mac swore under his breath and reached for his keys and phone. He stared at her.

‘Well, thanks for letting me know. Cheers, Ginny. It was fun. But you need to find yourself a new fuck-buddy. I quit.’

Hesitating for only a second, he swept the flowers off the table as he walked out, and the sound of the glass as it smashed on her floor made her weep.

Chapter 30

Ange took one look at Ginny’s face and wrapped up the call she was on. ‘What the hell happened to you?’

Ginny looked at her with eyes red and swollen from crying. It was after ten. God knew where Mac was by now, and she’d probably never know again. ‘Um … Mac and I. Broke up.’

‘Oh, hell! I was starting to think you two were inseparable. I’ve never seen you so happy, despite all the crap that’s been going on. What happened?’

‘Um. He told me he loved me. And he said he’d quit NZSAS. So we could be together.’

‘So he didn’t cheat on you?’

Ginny shook her head emphatically.

‘Or tell you that he’s actually into guys? Thinks you spend too much on shoes? Wants to move to the Gold Coast?’

‘No! Nothing like that.’

‘Ginny, you idiot! It’s fucking great then. What’s the problem?’

‘I’m crap at relationships,’ Ginny burst out, falling back on familiar territory. ‘I can’t be with him if he’s NZSAS; it would just be too fucking hard. But if he gives it up, he’ll end up hating me.’

‘But you said he offered to. Did you ask him to? Did you throw a big strop and tell him he had to choose? Did he say he would, gnashing his teeth and cursing you for twisting his arm?’

‘No — but I told him I couldn’t do the whole NZSAS thing. That’s as good as.’

‘Not at all! You gave it to him straight, put the ball in his court and he made a decision. Simple as that. And anyway, Ginny, you can’t go into a relationship future-proofing it against every eventuality. You may think you’re crap at relationships but maybe you’re just like the rest of us and have only ever managed to wind up with crap men. Why don’t you give it a try? You might end up living happily ever after.’

Ginny shook her head and the tears started up again. ‘I’ve got to get to work.’ She moved toward her office. ‘I can’t talk about this anymore.’

‘Do you love him?’

‘Of course I do. But that’s got nothing to do with it.’

The morning was hard slog and by early afternoon Ginny was white-faced with exhaustion.

‘I need more coffee,’ she said to Ange. ‘Want one?’

Ange nodded and looked at her with concern as Ginny walked downstairs. Making a decision, she sneaked into Ginny’s office and picked up her phone. Scrolling through the contacts she found Madeleine’s number and copied it down. Intervention was required. If Ginny wouldn’t listen to Ange, maybe she’d pay attention to Mads.

The office line rang, and Ange went back to her desk.

‘You got a call from the police,’ she told Ginny a few minutes later. ‘Detective Sergeant Roberts? He said he’d call back.’

‘Sure,’ Ginny replied listlessly.

Ginny had just slam-dunked her empty coffee cup into the rubbish bin when she heard the buzzer. Before she could stop herself she was on her feet and rushing to Ange’s desk. Was it Mac?

Obviously thinking the same thing, Ange picked it up, then grimaced. ‘Hi, Daniel.’

Ginny crossed her fingers in front of her face. ‘No fucking way,’ she mouthed.

Ange grinned. ‘Sorry, Daniel. Ginny’s out for the rest of the afternoon. Won’t be back until tomorrow. Can I take a message?’ She paused as he spoke. ‘No, I can’t tell you where she is. Do you want me to take a message or not?’

‘Thanks for that,’ Ginny said once Ange had hung up, and headed back to her desk.

Thinking she deserved an early finish for the day, Ginny made to shut-down her computer when the buzzer sounded again. She saw Ange smile as she pushed the entry button.

‘Who is it?’ she asked hopefully as Ange stood up to open the main doors.

The next thing, Mads barged into her office with George and Molly in tow.

‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ Mads demanded. ‘A man like that comes along once in a bloody blue moon, Ginny, and he is absolutely bloody nuts about you. He’s a grown-up — don’t be so f …’ She looked at her children, then raged on. ‘So friggin’ arrogant as to presume you know more about the legitimacy of the decisions he makes about his life than he does. He’s had a good run at playing soldier and if he decides he can give it up to be with you then you should be bloody grateful!’ She shook her head at Ginny. ‘You should be counting your bloody lucky stars that he would make that decision for you. For both of you.’

‘Mads, I—’

‘I’m not bloody finished.’ Mads wagged her Mummy finger. ‘Did you tell him how you feel?’

‘No.’

‘Why the hell not?’

‘Because it’s scary.’

‘Oh, for Pete’s sake.’ Mads rolled her eyes and turned to hustle the kids into reception to be entertained by Ange so she could lay into her friend properly. ‘Was starting your business scary? Having your dad die? Being pushed around by that shithead Miles? Was any of that scary?’

Ginny nodded, wide-eyed.

‘Okay — we’ve established you can do scary. So what’s the problem? And don’t …’ She wagged the finger again. ‘… give me that bullshit about losing him. Because from what I can see you already have.’

Ginny started crying again and sank into her chair, covering her face with her hands.

‘How does it feel now? With him gone?’

‘Fucking shit.’

‘So why aren’t you doing anything about it?’

‘I don’t know. I’ve pissed him off. He might tell me to go away.’

‘Well, he deserves to be pissed off. He has been outrageously patient, and understanding, and generous, and kind, Ginny. And hot. Abso-fucking-lutely hot, and you tell him to go away because you’re “scared”. It’s your turn to crawl, mate, and I am not leaving here until you do.’

Mads was staring her down, arms crossed in front of her.

‘What do you mean?’

‘Go on.’ Mads leant over and picked up the phone. ‘Call him. Grovel.’

‘I can’t do that!’

‘You bloody well can too and I’m not leaving until you do. I will not let you walk away from this, Ginny. I will not let you fuck this up. Call him.’ She proffered the phone and Ginny hesitantly took it.

‘Dial.’ Mads growled. Ginny did, but quickly hung up.

‘Voicemail.’

‘Office,’ Mads shot back, and Ginny glared but did as she was told.

She dialled his direct line and closed her eyes. Please pick up, she prayed, please don’t have left yet.

The call was answered, and Ginny hung her head in shame as she asked Susannah if she knew where Mac was.

‘Not a clue I’m afraid, Ginny. Seems like a careless thing to do: misplace a man like Mac.’

‘You deserved that,’ Mads said as Ginny hung up. ‘Home.’

Ginny sighed. She’d rather talk to Jen than Susannah.

She spoke to her briefly before hanging up.

‘Well?’ Mads asked anxiously. ‘Where is he?’

‘Gibson’s. He didn’t say when he’d be back. What if he’s gone down to close the place up? What if he’s about to leave again?’

Mads moved fast, hauling Ginny to her feet. She shook her firmly. ‘Go. Now.’

‘Yes.’ Ange stuck her head in the door. ‘Go now, you bloody idiot.’

‘I should, shouldn’t I?’ Ginny looked between the two of them. ‘You’re right. Both of you. I have to go.’ She grabbed her bag and gave Mads a quick, hard hug. ‘Thank you. You’re a wonderful friend.’

‘You’re welcome. Now go upstairs, get out of that suit and those ridiculous heels you insist on wearing, drive like the clappers, and go get your man.’ She smiled as Ginny rushed past her, heading for the stairs up to her flat.

‘Ginny?’ Mads called after her as she rounded up the kids. ‘Make sure you put some nice knickers on.’

Chapter 32

By the last stretch of road before Gibson’s Bay, Ginny was flagging. Stress and exhaustion had taken their toll; now the narrow, winding road was rapidly finishing her off. Her eyes ached from navigating in the tricky light of dusk.

She saw his car and nearly wept with relief. Swinging hers in behind it, she slammed the car door closed and charged up the stairs, pulling up short when Mac stepped through the glass doors onto the deck.

They stood looking at each other. He didn’t say anything, and didn’t move. Just watched her, hands pushed deep into the pockets of his jeans. He was barefoot, and wearing a T-shirt she hadn’t seen before. She took a step toward him.

‘I tried to call,’ she said at last. ‘Lots of times.’

He nodded, but didn’t speak.

She took another step. ‘Why do you do that? Turn your phone off? It gives me the shits.’

‘You drove down here to tell me to turn my phone on?’

‘No.’ Ginny shook her head and looked at her shoes, trying to grab hold of the words that were running through her head. What was it Mads had said?

‘No … I came here to tell you that I’m very … grateful.’ She looked back up at him and one of those sucker-punches hit her hard. She felt herself spin into his eyes. Don’t muck this up, Ginny, she told herself. You don’t want to spend any more of your life without those eyes to get lost in anytime you want.

‘Grateful.’ He wasn’t looking all that impressed yet.

‘Yes. For what you said.’

‘What part?’ he shot back.

‘All of it.’ She moved closer. ‘All of it, Mac. I’m very grateful for all you said.’

‘It’s not your gratitude I want, Ginny.’ Looking away, Mac ran a hand through his hair before letting it drop to his side.

‘I know.’ She swallowed and it felt as if her mouth was filled with sawdust. Taking a deep breath, Ginny stepped up to him, then took his hand with both of hers.

‘This scares the shit out of me, Mac. But you’re right. About this … us. Today was without a doubt my worst ever and I would prefer anything, absolutely anything,’ she said with emphasis, ‘to ever feeling like that again. So if you need another year, or two — whatever — then we can find a way to do that.’ She swallowed again as he met her eyes. ‘I’m more of who I am when I’m with you. Everything is more. And that’s how I want my life to be from now on. With you. I love you, Mac. And if you’ll still have me, I’ll take whatever you want to give me. And match it.’

His mouth lifted in a small smile. ‘If I’ll still have you? I’m amazed you’d think you even had to ask.’ His smile spread as Mac lifted their joined hands and, finding one of hers, kissed it.

‘Thank you,’ he said, lowering his mouth to hers. ‘Thank you so much.’

He woke late the following morning with Ginny asleep next to him in his bed, her back pressed into his front. The way it should be, would be, from now on, and the truth of it made him very happy.

With his eyes barely open he ran a hand down her side, over her hip and thigh, as far as his arm would let him. One of my favourite routes, Mac thought, and the sleepy notion he had woken with became more defined as he trailed his fingers back the way they’d come. The idea quite clear-cut now; he lowered his mouth to her shoulder, her neck, to wake her up.

‘Morning.’ He wandered his hand back down her body as she stirred. ‘How did you sleep?’

Ginny moved into him as he touched her. ‘What there was of it was great, thanks. You?’

‘I slept brilliantly. Feeling quite rested actually.’

‘Well, good. Because this is a lovely way to wake up.’

‘Sure is.’ With a hand on her hip, Mac gently rolled her forward and slipped inside. He scraped his teeth and tongue across her shoulder and the taste of her flooded him.

‘Very lovely actually,’ Ginny breathed, and reaching behind them both, pulled him in closer. He moved deliberately, enjoying the lazy pace as sleep fell from them both. He brushed his hand up over her belly again, feeling her quiver as his fingers traced lower then ran back up and circled her breast, slowly moving closer before finally sweeping, teasing her nipple. Mac smiled as she bowed back into him. He was learning her well and he looked forward to gaining expert status.

‘In fact, I think we should aim to start most mornings this way.’

‘You’re on,’ Mac mumbled back, still consumed with her skin, the unique texture and flavour of which would now be exclusively his to know. ‘Anything you say.’

Ginny felt her body give itself over to him, her mind fuzzy and disconnected. ‘Not like you to be so acquiescent,’ she murmured.

Mac flexed his fingers, then ran his hand over hers. He pushed up and gently caught her chin. Turning her face to his, he kissed her, starting slow and easy, then building, deepening it into something far more demanding.

Ginny felt a shiver spread from one end of her to the other before it settled and circled, growing quickly into a ball of heat that spiralled up into her belly. She angled away from him as he held her hip, driving her closer and closer, still focused and unhurried. He really was very good at this — he just seemed to know … exactly … what … she … liked. Mac shifted his hand up under her hair, then down her back, fingers spread wide. He pushed his palm gently into her lower back, increasing the angle.

Jeepers, she thought, that’s the ticket. She raised herself onto an elbow, the other hand out in front, and moved against him, grasping at the sheet underneath as it took hold and sent her spinning, imploding, crashing back into herself.

‘When we get back to Auckland,’ he managed, his breath shallow as she tightened around him, ‘the first thing I’m going to do is put an outrageously large diamond on your finger.’ Pulling her back in close, Mac ran two fingers up either side of her ring finger. ‘So everyone knows you’re mine. That you’re off-limits. Out of bounds. Except to me.’

‘Really?’ Despite her standing as a relatively modern woman, she found what he had to say curiously erotic.

‘Yes. Very large. Very mine.’

‘Well.’ Ginny wriggled and rolled just out of reach, then turned to face him. She was learning that he moved quickly, but now and then she did too. She went to speak but seeing the look on his face let out a laugh.

‘Ginny. That was cruel. Come back here.’

She smiled instead, and pushed a finger into his shoulder. Quickly getting the idea, he lay on his back.

She rose onto her knees. ‘You seem pretty sure of yourself.’

He grinned. ‘I am.’

‘Do I get a say in it?’ She placed her hands on his chest and straddled him.

‘You can probably choose the cut.’