The Chance: A Novel (38 page)

Left side, three-point line.

For his dad.

Chapter
Fifteen

T
he zoo day was Kinzie’s idea, but Ellie was grateful for it. She needed a reason to stop thinking about her father sitting alone in his living room. A reason to get her mind off the first of June and how, in a few weeks, the date would pass and that would be that. Their last chance gone, the whole idea nothing more than silly kid stuff.

They set out on the path toward the lions, and Kinzie skipped beside her. She wore a white sundress with pink flowers to match her pink tennis shoes. “This is the bestest day ever, Mommy. Know why?”

“Why?” Ellie wondered if she should’ve worn shorts instead of the cropped pants she’d chosen. The morning sun was already hot on their backs.

“First, it’s so sunny.” Kinzie shaded her eyes. “Bestest days have to be sunny.” She giggled and slipped her hand into Ellie’s. “Second, we’re on a ’venture. Because lions and tigers and bears is like
The Wizard of Oz,
and that’s the number-one ’venture of all time.”

The two of them had watched
The Wizard of Oz
last Saturday
during a thunderstorm. Rain had kept the skies cloudy most of the week. “I think you’re right.” Ellie smiled at the blue sky. “This is a perfect day. Sunshine and adventure, and you know the best part?”

“What?” Kinzie had lost her right front tooth a few nights ago. Her grin was adorable.

“Being with you.” Ellie swung her daughter’s hand as they came up to the lion exhibit. “That’s what I like best.”

The lions at the San Diego Zoo had been in the news lately. One of the lionesses had given birth to three cubs, and the family was on display for patrons. People were gathered around the stone wall surrounding the rocky exhibit. Ellie and Kinzie slipped into an open spot. Sure enough, the baby lions were playing a few feet from their mother.

“Oooh.” Kinzie put both hands on bars above the wall and peered over as far as she could. “They’re so cute, Mommy.” She blocked the sun from her eyes and looked from one side of the lions’ area to the other. “Where is he?”

“Who, baby girl?” Ellie put her arm around Kinzie’s small shoulders and followed her daughter’s gaze. “Who are you looking for?”

“The daddy.” She pointed to the lion cubs and their mother. “They’re only half a family, see? The daddy’s missing.”

Her words cut straight to Ellie’s heart. She tried not to react. “The daddy’s around. He’s probably sleeping in the shade.”

“Oh.” Kinzie stared at the cubs for a long time. “They look happy.” She smiled up at Ellie. “Even without their daddy.”

“I think so.” Ellie could’ve dropped to the ground and cried. Kinzie rarely brought up their situation, how her life wasn’t like that of many of her classmates who lived in houses and had a mother and father and siblings. The girl was happy and
whole. She loved Tina and Tiara, and she didn’t question what she didn’t have.

But here the comparison was obvious.

After several minutes, Kinzie stepped back. “Let’s find the tigers.”

“Okay.” They started walking, holding hands like before. “Kinz . . . did that make you sad, that the lion cubs didn’t have their daddy around?” The walk to the tigers was halfway across the zoo. They had time.

“Sort of.” Kinzie walked a little slower, the skip in her step gone. “Most kids have a daddy.”

There it was. Ellie spotted a bench ahead, just off the path and shaded from the sun by an overgrown maple tree. “Let’s sit for a minute.”

Kinzie’s smile didn’t fade. “Okay. My feet are hot.”

“Mine, too.” Once they were on the bench, Ellie turned a little so she could see her daughter. “Do you ever think about
your
daddy?”

For a few seconds, Kinzie was quiet. “Sometimes.” She squinted up at Ellie. “Is that okay?”

“Of course.” She reached for her daughter’s hand again. “Do you have questions about him?”

“Yes.” She shrugged, her spirits visibly lower. “I don’t wanna ask, because I don’t want you to be sad.”

Ellie felt awful. In her own frustration, she had created a silence in Kinzie, an inability to raise the questions in her heart about something as serious as her father. An idea took root in Ellie’s heart. “How about this . . .” She smiled, despite the tears gathering on the inside. “Let’s have today be a question day. We’ll walk to the tigers and the bears, and along the way, you can ask any question you want.”

A sparkle danced in Kinzie’s eyes. “Really?”

“Really.” Ellie stood and smiled. Her own heartache over the way she had failed Kinzie could wait until later. For now she wanted her daughter to feel as free as possible. “Any question at all.”

They held hands and started walking again. Kinzie smiled, but the sadness in her eyes returned. “Anything?”

“Anything.”

“Okay.” Her tone was serious. Clearly, she had questions. “My daddy was a soldier, right?”

“Right.”

“He died in the war?”

“He did.” Ellie kept their pace slow. The zoo was getting crowded, and most of the visitors hurried past them. Ellie and Kinzie were in their own world. “He died a hero.” It was the explanation she’d told Kinzie before. Her father was a soldier. He died fighting to keep America safe, and because of that, he was a hero. Until now that had been enough.

“Okay, Mommy. Here’s my question.” She slowed a little more. “How come you and Daddy never got married?”

Ellie wasn’t sure she was up to this, but she owed it to Kinzie. No matter how she felt.
Keep it light, Ellie. Don’t give her more than she’s asking for.
“I didn’t know Daddy that long. He had to go to Iraq a few months after I met him.”

“But . . . you had a baby with Daddy.”

Ellie wanted to do anything to steer the conversation away from Kinzie’s father. If she believed in prayer, this would’ve been a good time to talk to God. Instead, she drew a deep breath and tried to find the right words. “Sometimes, Kinz, two people can think they love each other when really it’s too soon to know if love is there or not.”

“So . . . you didn’t really love my daddy?”

“I thought I did.”

Kinzie was quiet for a while. “Did you ever love a boy, Mommy?”

They were getting closer to the tigers, but they still had a lot to talk about. Again they sat on a bench in the shade. Ellie looked straight into her daughter’s eyes. “I did.”

“But not Daddy?”

“No, sweetie. Your daddy wasn’t ready to love. He was . . . too young.”

“Oh.” Kinzie seemed content with that. “You loved a different boy?”

“Yes.” Ellie wasn’t sure how much to say. But if Kinzie asked, then she had a right to know. At least the broad strokes. “I loved him very much.”

Conversations and voices from other visitors made it hard to hear Ellie’s little-girl voice, but the moment seemed somehow protected, as if, in all the busy zoo, there were just the two of them. “What was his name?”

“Nolan.” Ellie watched her daughter’s face for a reaction. “Nolan Cook.”

Kinzie stopped cold. She looked up at her mom, her mouth open. “Isn’t he famous?”

“He is.” Ellie stopped and ran her hand down Kinzie’s light blond hair. “He plays professional basketball.”

“That’s what I thought.” Her mind was obviously racing. “Two boys in my class talk about him all the time.” She thought for a few seconds. “Does he love you, too?”

“Well . . . he might have.” Ellie could see herself sitting beneath the old oak tree, feel Nolan Cook beside her again on that hot summer night. “A long time ago, maybe. We were only fifteen.”

“Still . . . Does he love someone else? Like does he have a wife?”

“He doesn’t.” Ellie took her daughter’s hand, and they started walking again. She never for a moment imagined they would talk about Nolan today. Maybe she shouldn’t have said anything. “I don’t know if he loves someone or not. But we haven’t talked in more than ten years. He’s got a different life now.”

“Does he know where we live?”

“No.” The questions came so quickly Ellie struggled to keep up. “I’d say for sure he doesn’t know where we live.”

“Mommy!” She stopped again, her eyebrows raised halfway up her forehead. “You should call and tell him!”

“Kinz, it isn’t like that.” They reached the tigers. “He doesn’t remember me, baby. We can’t talk about him, okay? No one knows about Nolan and me.”

That concept was more than Kinzie could absorb: She made a confused face. “Other people talk about him.”

“We can’t tell anyone that I used to love him.” Ellie used a sterner look this time. “Understand?”

Kinzie’s enthusiasm fell off some. “Yes, Mommy.”

“Okay, then.” Ellie breathed deep and pointed. “Look! The tigers!”

For the next ten minutes, Kinzie forgot about asking questions, too caught up in the tigers and their stripes and how two of them seemed to want to fight. “They’re the biggest cats ever!” Her eyes were practically round. “I didn’t think they were this big in person.”

“They’re huge.”

Kinzie tilted her head. “I wish I could pet one.”

“Me, too.” Ellie made a face. “Probably wouldn’t be a good idea.”

Kinzie laughed out loud. “They’d eat us up to pieces, Mommy. That definitely wouldn’t be a good idea.”

Eventually, they set off for the bears, and Kinzie started in again. “What about your mommy? How come you never talk about her?”

Here we go
. Ellie pushed back the ocean of sorrow attached to the topic. Kinzie had no grandparents, none whatsoever. Ellie had never met C.J.’s parents. She didn’t know anything about them. And since C.J. had wanted nothing to do with his daughter, Kinzie’s birth certificate used Ellie’s last name.

The child looked up at her, waiting. Ellie dug deep, searching for a strength she didn’t feel; Kinzie deserved an answer. “My mom moved in with another family.”

Alarm filled Kinzie’s face. She had never asked about Ellie’s mother before, and now there was no doubt the answer was troubling. “You mean she left you and became the mommy for someone else?”

Ellie thought about that. “Yes.” Her mother had been pregnant with someone else’s baby, so yes, that was true. “Something like that, sweetie. We didn’t have a lot of time to talk about it. My mom moved in with another family, and two days later, my daddy moved me to San Diego.”

“Here?” Kinzie seemed surprised. “So your daddy lives here?”

“Yes.”

The questions on Kinzie’s face were obvious before she put words to them. “Why don’t we see him, Mommy? He’s my grandpa, right?”

“He is. But he’s mad at me.” She smiled, trying to downplay the situation.

“Why?” Kinzie lowered her brow, clearly upset. “Why would he be mad? You’re the best mommy in the world.”

The compliment soothed the desperate pain inside Ellie. “Thanks, baby.” She ran her hand down Kinzie’s back. “He’s mad because I had a baby before I got married.”

“Oh.” Again her expression sank. “So is he mad at me, too?”

“No, sweetie. Not at all.” Ellie stopped and stooped down so that she was face-to-face with her daughter. “Never think that. This has nothing to do with you.”

Kinzie was quiet, searching Ellie’s eyes.

Ellie tried again. “He was mad at me, so I left. Once you were born, things got busy.” Her mouth was dry. The moment was too important to get it wrong. “I guess . . . he should come and find me if he’s not mad at me anymore.”

Still more questions filled Kinzie’s eyes, but it took her a little while to voice the one that must have been the most pressing. “What if I want to see him?”

Ellie grabbed at the only answer that worked. “Maybe you should talk to God about that. Then someday that might happen, Kinz.”

Her eyes softened, and a smile tugged at her lips. “Okay, Mommy. That’s what I’ll do.”

Ellie straightened again, and they walked to the bear exhibit. There were supposed to be four bears in the facility, but they could see only one. He was in a deep pond, batting at a ball floating on the surface of the water. They watched him for several minutes while he kept batting, trying to catch it in his enormous paws. Each time it spun away on the water’s surface, elusive.

Kinzie stood next to her, resting her chin on the steel bar as she watched the bear in action. “Bears are like people, Mommy.”

“How come?”

She lifted her sweet face to Ellie. “Because even if they try, they don’t always get what they want.”

“That’s true.” The comment hung on the walls of Ellie’s heart for the next few hours as they moved on to the reptiles and primates. Kinzie seemed finished with questions, apart from another twenty or so about the animals and whether they liked living in cages—Ellie wasn’t sure—and whether it was more fun living in the wild—Ellie guessed it might be.

Finally, they drove to a restaurant not far away. The place was packed, so while they waited for a table, they sat on stools near the window and sipped Cokes. A TV nearby was showing a basketball game. It took Ellie a few seconds to realize that one of the teams was the Atlanta Hawks.

Nolan’s team.

“That’s him.” Ellie leaned closer to Kinzie and kept her voice low. “Nolan Cook.”

“It is?” Kinzie squinted at the TV. “Oh, yeah! He plays for the Hawks! That’s what the boys in my class said.”