The Chance: A Novel (67 page)

I
n the end, Ellie decided she didn’t need to wait until the first of June had passed. Her dream of seeing Nolan in Gordonston Park was over. He clearly hadn’t remembered the date or that this was the year. He might’ve forgotten entirely about the tackle box beneath the oak tree. Otherwise he would’ve said something.

It was okay. She wasn’t upset with him. She would remember the feel of Nolan’s hand in hers forever, but she was ready to move on. She had a plan now. She would go back to San Diego, wrap up her life, and pack her things. She would rent a U-Haul and move to Savannah as fast as she could. She still didn’t like the idea of her dad living alone. But maybe someday he’d find his way back here, too.

Her mother loved her after all. San Diego could never be home now that she knew the truth. She had her mom, and Kinzie had a grandma. Nothing else mattered. Yes, she would miss Tina, but her friend would find another roommate. Maybe someday Tina and Tiara would come visit. But whether they did or not, Ellie couldn’t worry. Savannah was her home.

Her mom stood a few feet away sipping a cup of tea. Watching Ellie. “You’re sure you want to leave now? It’s three in the morning, Ellie.”

Ellie zipped her bag the rest of the way and moved it near the door. Kinzie lay asleep on the couch. “She won’t wake up until we get to Birmingham. We can have breakfast and make it to Dallas before tomorrow night.” She went to her mom and smiled. “It’ll cut a day off the trip.”

“And make for a sixteen-hour drive before you get any sleep.”

“Don’t worry.” Ellie hugged her tenderly, careful not to spill her mother’s tea. “I’m wide awake. I can do this.”

“Tell me your time frame again?” Her concern remained.

“I’ll get back to San Diego late on the third, work another two weeks, and give notice. Collect my last paycheck and get my things together. That’ll give Tina a month to find a new roommate.”

“She’ll be okay with that?”

“I texted her earlier. She’s happy for me.” Ellie hoped her smile would ease her mother’s fears.

“Okay.” Her mom put her hand alongside her face. “I can’t wait till you get back.”

“Me, either.” She hugged her mom and held her gaze, grateful again that they’d found each other. “Don’t worry. I’ll be safe.” Her joy was genuine. Never mind the date or the disappointment with Nolan. What she’d found with her mom was more than she could’ve imagined.

“Do me one favor, Ellie, please. With all this driving.”

“Okay.” It had been so long since anyone cared whether she came or went, whether she arrived safely or not. She took her mom’s hands and looked deep into her eyes. “What would you like me to do?”

“Pray.” Her mom’s eyes, her smile—they were the way Ellie remembered them, the way they’d been before Peyton Anders. “Ask God to make Himself known to you. He doesn’t mind when we ask Him things like that. Please.”

Ellie nodded slowly. “Okay.” She thought for a moment. Faith had helped her mother survive. It had given her a quiet strength, the same one Kinzie carried with her. Ellie might not believe, but she respected the fact that they did. “I’ll ask Him. Really.”

“Thank you.” Her mom leaned in and softly kissed her cheek. “I’ll help you get Kinzie.”

Moving quietly, Ellie brought their bags to the back of the car while her mom woke up Kinzie and took her to the bathroom. Together they helped the girl to the car and belted her into the backseat. She looked so little, sleeping there.

“She’s an angel.” Her mom leaned into the car and kissed the top of Kinzie’s head. Then she stood and took Ellie’s hands. They kept their voices to a whisper. “I can’t think about the years we missed.”

“No.” Ellie’s eyes teared up. They walked around to the driver’s door, and she leaned against it, facing her mom. She hated leaving so soon. But now that she’d found her way home, she couldn’t wait to be back for good. “Let’s only think about the ones we have ahead.”

Her mom studied her, as if trying to see her at seventeen as a high school girl, and at nineteen as a young mother. Then at twenty-two, self-sufficient, and raising her daughter on her own. And at every stage in between. Then suddenly her eyes lit up. “Wait!” She motioned toward the apartment. “Be right back!”

“Okay.” Ellie stayed there, leaning against the driver’s door as
she watched her mom run lightly up the steps and back into the apartment. How could she ever have thought her mother didn’t love her? She remembered a time when the two of them had walked to the park when Ellie was maybe seven. A storm had come up, and they’d been forced to run all the way home, breathless and laughing. When they reached the house, her mom wrapped her in a towel and held her close for a long time. “You’re my greatest gift, Ellie. You’ll always be my little girl.”

The memory dissolved. Of course her mom had loved her. Every hour of their years apart. Ellie was crazy to have thought otherwise, no matter what the silence suggested. Her mom appeared at the door and hurried to the car, carrying a small brown bag. “I found this in the laundry room while you were at the store.” She handed it to Ellie. “In case you need it.”

Ellie opened it, and again she felt a connection with her mother that time hadn’t touched. “A garden shovel.”

“I used it to fill a pot once.” Her eyes locked on to Ellie’s and she hesitated. “In case you need it before you get on the highway.”

She held her mother’s eyes for a long moment. Then she opened the car door and set the bag on the floorboard, before turning back to her mom. “How can you know me so well?”

“I’m your mother.” She put her hand lightly on Ellie’s shoulder. “Ellie, I didn’t finish the talk earlier . . . about Peyton.”

“That’s behind us. Your heart was involved; I don’t need to know anything else.”

“Still.” Caroline studied Ellie, looking deeply to the private areas of her soul. “I’m sorry. I have no excuses. What I did . . . it destroyed our family. It changed everything.” Tears made her eyes shine in the light of the street lamp. “Nothing was the same again for any of us. Not for you or your dad or me.” She paused. “Not for you and Nolan.”

“Mom, you don’t need to—”

“Ellie . . .” She gently touched a finger to her daughter’s lips. “I need to say this.” She wiped at a tear on her cheek. “If I had known I would lose you . . .” She trailed off, overcome by the emotion of the moment.

Ellie hadn’t expected this. Seeing her mother break down. It was one more picture of how much the missing years had cost them. She wanted nothing more than to stay here with her mom and spend the rest of time catching up.

“If I’d known he would take you from me . . . I never would’ve left the house.” Her shoulders shook. “I could’ve lived alone without love for a hundred years. I would’ve done anything to keep you.”

“I know.” Ellie wiped her own tears. “If only I’d gotten your letters.”

Her mom pressed her fingers to her eyes and tried to collect herself. “There’s something else.”

Ellie was grateful that, despite the years, there was no awkwardness between them. She waited, watching her mom, loving her for being this brave.

“I called your father. I’ve forgiven him.”

“You did?” It was the last thing Ellie expected her to say. “He wrote you a letter, right?” She’d forgotten about that. They’d been so busy talking about the past that it hadn’t come up.

“He did, and he apologized.” Caroline caught a few quick breaths, and her eyes filled with compassion. “Unforgiveness is the worst kind of sick. I taught you that when you were growing up.” She hesitated, looking for Ellie’s reaction. “Do you remember?”

“Yes . . . it’s how I’ve raised Kinzie.” She blinked so she could see through her tears. “She reminded me of that before
we left San Diego.” She paused. “His house was our first stop as we left town.”

Her mom exhaled, obviously relieved. “So we have no more reasons to hate, no more bitter roots to feed.”

“No.” Ellie appreciated her beautiful mother more than ever. “I don’t know what happens from here. But we have forgiveness. At least that.”

“God knows.” Caroline smiled, and they hugged one last time. “Ask Him to show Himself, Ellie. Promise?”

“I will.” The coming month couldn’t go fast enough. “I don’t want to say good-bye.”

“Me, either.”

Ellie caught a quick breath. “I’ll call.”

They waved good-bye, and Ellie climbed into the car. Even with the gift of her mother’s shovel tucked against the seat, Ellie was pretty sure she wouldn’t go by the park. Nolan didn’t remember, so why bother? What point was there in digging up the old letters now? Whatever he had written to her no longer applied.

But as she crossed town and headed for the freeway, she felt a pull toward the park. She’d waited too long for this moment
not
to dig up the box and take her letter. After all, she had planned to do that much even before she saw Nolan. The closure would be worth the time it took. Then, as she’d planned from the beginning, she could put Nolan Cook out of her life for good. With every mile, the feeling grew stronger until she was certain it would consume her if she didn’t stop.

It was only three thirty in the morning. But it was June first. If she didn’t go now, she’d regret her decision forever.

Chapter
Twenty-seven

I
n the end, Ellie decided she didn’t need to wait until the first of June had passed. Her dream of seeing Nolan in Gordonston Park was over. He clearly hadn’t remembered the date or that this was the year. He might’ve forgotten entirely about the tackle box beneath the oak tree. Otherwise he would’ve said something.

It was okay. She wasn’t upset with him. She would remember the feel of Nolan’s hand in hers forever, but she was ready to move on. She had a plan now. She would go back to San Diego, wrap up her life, and pack her things. She would rent a U-Haul and move to Savannah as fast as she could. She still didn’t like the idea of her dad living alone. But maybe someday he’d find his way back here, too.

Her mother loved her after all. San Diego could never be home now that she knew the truth. She had her mom, and Kinzie had a grandma. Nothing else mattered. Yes, she would miss Tina, but her friend would find another roommate. Maybe someday Tina and Tiara would come visit. But whether they did or not, Ellie couldn’t worry. Savannah was her home.

Her mom stood a few feet away sipping a cup of tea. Watching Ellie. “You’re sure you want to leave now? It’s three in the morning, Ellie.”

Ellie zipped her bag the rest of the way and moved it near the door. Kinzie lay asleep on the couch. “She won’t wake up until we get to Birmingham. We can have breakfast and make it to Dallas before tomorrow night.” She went to her mom and smiled. “It’ll cut a day off the trip.”

“And make for a sixteen-hour drive before you get any sleep.”

“Don’t worry.” Ellie hugged her tenderly, careful not to spill her mother’s tea. “I’m wide awake. I can do this.”

“Tell me your time frame again?” Her concern remained.

“I’ll get back to San Diego late on the third, work another two weeks, and give notice. Collect my last paycheck and get my things together. That’ll give Tina a month to find a new roommate.”

“She’ll be okay with that?”

“I texted her earlier. She’s happy for me.” Ellie hoped her smile would ease her mother’s fears.

“Okay.” Her mom put her hand alongside her face. “I can’t wait till you get back.”

“Me, either.” She hugged her mom and held her gaze, grateful again that they’d found each other. “Don’t worry. I’ll be safe.” Her joy was genuine. Never mind the date or the disappointment with Nolan. What she’d found with her mom was more than she could’ve imagined.

“Do me one favor, Ellie, please. With all this driving.”

“Okay.” It had been so long since anyone cared whether she came or went, whether she arrived safely or not. She took her mom’s hands and looked deep into her eyes. “What would you like me to do?”

“Pray.” Her mom’s eyes, her smile—they were the way Ellie remembered them, the way they’d been before Peyton Anders. “Ask God to make Himself known to you. He doesn’t mind when we ask Him things like that. Please.”

Ellie nodded slowly. “Okay.” She thought for a moment. Faith had helped her mother survive. It had given her a quiet strength, the same one Kinzie carried with her. Ellie might not believe, but she respected the fact that they did. “I’ll ask Him. Really.”

“Thank you.” Her mom leaned in and softly kissed her cheek. “I’ll help you get Kinzie.”

Moving quietly, Ellie brought their bags to the back of the car while her mom woke up Kinzie and took her to the bathroom. Together they helped the girl to the car and belted her into the backseat. She looked so little, sleeping there.

“She’s an angel.” Her mom leaned into the car and kissed the top of Kinzie’s head. Then she stood and took Ellie’s hands. They kept their voices to a whisper. “I can’t think about the years we missed.”

“No.” Ellie’s eyes teared up. They walked around to the driver’s door, and she leaned against it, facing her mom. She hated leaving so soon. But now that she’d found her way home, she couldn’t wait to be back for good. “Let’s only think about the ones we have ahead.”

Her mom studied her, as if trying to see her at seventeen as a high school girl, and at nineteen as a young mother. Then at twenty-two, self-sufficient, and raising her daughter on her own. And at every stage in between. Then suddenly her eyes lit up. “Wait!” She motioned toward the apartment. “Be right back!”