The Chance: A Novel (69 page)

“She’s perfect.” He looked through Ellie, as if searching for the familiar connection. “She looks just like you.”

“Thanks.”

For a long time he only looked at her, as if he wanted to understand her but wasn’t quite sure where to begin. Again, Ellie felt her anger rising. If he was going to sit here and judge her, try to figure out the reasons why she’d run or the reason she hadn’t lived up to her plans, then she and Kinzie could leave. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Why are you angry?”

His question caught her off guard. She leaned her shoulder into the familiar rough bark. She worked to keep her voice low so Kinzie wouldn’t hear her. “Because . . . you feel sorry for me.”

“For you?” He rested his forearms on his knees and studied her again. “Not at all. I feel sorry for
me
.”

“What?” Confusion slammed her heart around. The moon shone just enough so she could see the hurt on his face. “What do you mean?”

“It took eleven years to find you.” He shrugged, his eyes never leaving hers. “And now you treat me like this.” He lowered his voice. “I would’ve found you sooner if I could’ve, Ellie. I never stopped trying.”

Ellie could feel her arguments unraveling, feel everything she’d believed about Nolan turning upside down. His eyes were so deep that here in the dark of the oak tree, it was hard not to feel fifteen again. Her walls began to crumble. Was she wrong about him? About who he had become and how he would judge her? Could that be possible? The kindness in his eyes was the same as it had been the last time they were together.

He opened the tackle box and pulled out the first folded sheet of lined yellow paper. “Maybe if you read this.” A depth rang in his voice, his words quiet and sure. He handed the letter to her. “Go ahead.”

She didn’t want to read it, not here in front of him. They’d written the letters back when they were kids. How could they possibly apply here, now? But he wasn’t going to change his mind. She felt herself losing the fight. “Okay.” Maybe if she read it, they could remember the past, acknowledge it for what it had been, and finally move on. She held the letter in one hand, her phone in the other. The flashlight app lit up the entire page. She opened the paper and found the beginning.

My best friend, my girl, my everything . . . my sweet Ellie.

She got only that far before the tears came. He had thought
of her as his girl back then? He’d never said that to her, so the wording took her by surprise. She brought the hand holding the letter to her face and used her wrist to dry her eyes. He was watching her, caring for her. She could feel it
. Don’t break down, Ellie . . . just read the letter.
She found her place and continued.

I can’t believe your dad’s moving you to San Diego tomorrow. I feel like this is some crazy, terrible nightmare, and any minute my mom’s going to wake me up and it’ll be time for school. But since I can feel the tree beneath me, I know it’s not a dream. That’s why we had to write these letters.

I’m only fifteen, Ellie. I don’t know how to drive, and I don’t know where you’re going exactly. That pretty much terrifies me. So we definitely had to do this. In case we don’t find each other, we’ll have at least this one chance.

More tears, but this time Ellie didn’t try to stop them, didn’t bother to dab at them. They slid down her cheeks, a constant reminder of the sadness of the situation. Not for a minute did either of them think back then that eleven years would go by before they saw each other again. His letter wasn’t long, just one page. She kept reading.

Here’s what I have to tell you. You think I’m kidding when I say I’m going to marry you. You always laugh. Only I’m not kidding. I love you, Ellie. I’ll never love any girl like I love you.

Quiet sobs came over her, and she wondered if her heart would ever be the same. She had never expected this . . . this
beautiful letter. Not even back then. And why did he want her to read it now? When they had gone and grown up and their feelings had long since changed? She blinked a few times so she could see through her tears.

See, Ellie? That’s how I feel, but I can’t say so right now, even though you’re leaving tomorrow. Because I don’t want you to laugh this time. That’s why I had to write it in this letter. Oh, and don’t worry about the eleven years. I’m sure by then we’ll be married and living in a big house near the Atlanta Hawks. You know, ’cause I’ll be playing for them. But just in case, I couldn’t let you leave without telling you how I feel. I’ll love you forever, Ellie.

Love, your guy,
Nolan Cook

She closed her eyes and pressed the letter to her chest. For a long time she hunched over the piece of paper, desperate for a way back to then, a way to know how he had felt for her. She heard him moving, felt him take the seat beside her, but it didn’t fully register until she felt him put his arm around her shoulders.

Instead of saying anything, he let her cry. Let the losses of a thousand yesterdays have their way with her. In the recesses of her mind, the feeling of his arm around her only made her more upset. Because this was a last time, a final good-bye. And what if she never had anyone again in all her life who loved her the way Nolan Cook had loved her the summer before their sophomore year?

Finally, she folded the letter and set it carefully on the ground. She covered her face with her hands and dried her
eyes. She had to look a mess, eyes and nose red and swollen, but she didn’t care. She had to tell him how much the letter meant. “I never knew.” She angled herself so she could see him. Their knees touched in the darkness, and her eyes stayed on his. “That was beautiful, Nolan. Sweetest letter I’ve ever read.”

“Thanks.” He didn’t look different. If she didn’t know about his fame and success, she could’ve believed he hadn’t changed at all. He allowed a slight grin, just enough, given the gravity of the moment. “I already read yours.”

“Can I see it?” She remembered what she’d written, sort of. But she wanted to see the words again.

He took the second letter from the box and handed it to her. “It’s not as good as mine.”

“Fine.” She sniffed and took the paper from him. His teasing disarmed her, made her wonder again if she’d ever left for San Diego at all. She tried to stay in the moment, in the current year, where they belonged.

Dear Nolan,

First, I’m only doing this because you won’t read it for eleven years. Ha ha. Okay, here I go. You want to know how I feel about you?

He was still beside her, still watching her, and again her tears came. These were her words, the ones she’d penned that awful night. And every syllable reminded her of the truth, of how much she cared, how much she’d missed him ever since. She told him how she loved that he was her best friend, and she loved the way he stuck up for her when Billy Barren made fun of her pigtails.

A half smile came over her when she read the next line.

Sorry you got in trouble for tripping him, but not really. I love that, too.

She went on to tell him how she loved that he came to the aid of a kid being bullied, and how much she loved watching him play basketball. Ellie wanted to go back in time and hug the girl she’d been then, tell her to guard her heart, because after that night nothing would ever feel like this again. She read the rest of her letter slowly, each word finding its rightful place in her heart.

Here’s the part I could never tell you right now. Because it’s too soon or maybe too late, since I’m leaving in the morning. I loved how it felt earlier tonight when you hugged me. It never felt like that before. And when you took me into your garage and then over here to the park, I loved how my hand felt in yours. If I’m really honest, Nolan, I love when you tell me you’re going to marry me. What I didn’t really understand until tonight is that it isn’t only those things that I love.

I love being here, just me and you, and just hearing you breathe. I love sitting beneath this tree with you. So, yeah, I guess that’s it. If we don’t see each other for eleven years, then I want you to know the truth about how I really feel.

I love you.

There. I said it.

Don’t forget me.

Love,
Ellie

Again the sorrow was so great she couldn’t lift her head. Her tears didn’t come with sobs, like before, but rather, like a slow leak in her heart. Like a safety valve making certain she wouldn’t drown in the endless rushing river of sadness. She folded the paper and set it on top of the other one near her feet. It was all such a waste, the feelings they’d had, their friendship. The way they’d loved each other back then. How could eleven years have come and gone? After this, she would have to forgive her father all over again. How could he move her away from Nolan and her mother? The two people who loved her most in all the world?

She covered her face once more, grieving losses too great to measure. Eventually, she felt Nolan’s hand on her knee. “Ellie . . . you okay?”

She pressed her back against the bark as she sat straighter, as she allowed herself to look at him. “It’s just . . . so sad. You and me.” She felt safe saying it. After all, he had wanted her to read his letter. He had to know how it would make her feel. “Eleven years. We can’t ever get that back.” Ellie realized something that hadn’t hit her before. Nolan’s eyes were dry. She tilted her head, trying to read him. “You aren’t sad?”

“No.” He drew a full breath and released it slowly. His eyes never left hers. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” She couldn’t convince herself that he didn’t care. He was kind, and he was here. This was more than a chance to pity her. He wanted this trip back to who they’d been as badly as she did.

The distance between them wasn’t great, but he slid a little closer. He held both his hands out and slowly, tentatively, took hold of hers. With their hands joined, he showed the first signs of concern, of fear, even. “Are you seeing someone?”

She was confused again. “You mean . . . dating?”

“Right. Dating, engaged. Involved.” He ran his thumbs along the sides of her hands. “Is there anyone else, Ellie?”

“No.” Her broken heart couldn’t take this, not if his questions were merely surface talk. But they weren’t. She still knew him that well. The depth in his eyes was absolutely intentional. “Kinzie’s dad . . . he left me after she was born.” The shame was there, the same as it had been when she was nineteen. “A few months later, he died in Iraq, in battle.” She shook her head. “There hasn’t been anyone since.”

Again he inched closer. He didn’t say he was sorry about her past or comment on it at all. Instead, he brought her hands to his lips and did something that nearly stopped her heart. He kissed her fingers. The whole time he kept his eyes on hers. “Me, either.” He let go of one of her hands, picked up the letters, and held them up. “Not since this.”

Ellie felt her head begin to spin, her heart racing wildly one more time. What was he saying? Was she dreaming? “The news . . . they said you and Kari Garrett . . .”

Nolan smiled. “The news? Come on, Ellie. Last week they said I was quitting basketball to take up singing.”

She laughed out loud, and the feeling was wonderful.

“I went out with her once.” His smile faded. “I bored her. Only talked about one thing.”

She didn’t look away, didn’t do anything to break the moment. “What did you talk about?”

“How much I missed this girl I knew when I was fifteen. A girl I was going to marry.”

It had to be a dream. In her wildest imaginings, she’d never dreamed Nolan felt this way. She held on to his hands and closed her eyes, and she was eight or nine again. The two of
them had gone to Forsyth Park, and Nolan had pushed her on the merry-go-round. Faster and faster and faster he spun her until she had to close her eyes so her body could catch up with reality.

Exactly how she felt now.

Before she knew what was happening, he helped her gently to her feet. She opened her eyes and looked at him, at the face she had loved since she was a little girl. For the first time tonight, tears shone in his eyes. “Come here.” His voice was a whisper, and slowly, so slowly, for the first time since that long ago summer, he pulled her into his arms. For a long time he just held her, rocked her to the beating of their hearts. After a while he framed her face with his hands. “I told you, I’m not letting you get away again.”

“But . . .” Doubts crowded in around her, trying to steal every good thing about the way she felt. “You don’t know anything about me. You don’t know where I live or where I work . . .” Her voice fell. “Or what I believe.”

“Ellie.” He didn’t waver, didn’t blink. “I know you. That’s all that matters.” The concern in his eyes gave way to love. A love she had never felt or known or imagined. “We can figure out the rest. God brought us this far.”

God.

A chill ran along Ellie’s arms and legs and turned her stomach upside down. Her mother’s words came back to her all at once.
Ask God to show Himself to you . . . He wants His people to ask Him.
Ellie’s knees felt weak. She put her head on Nolan’s chest and felt his pounding heart. He was real and he was here. She held on, warm in his embrace. Yes, this was really happening! After all this time, the two of them were here together, and Nolan still cared about her. Which could only mean . . .

Ellie tried to catch her breath. Half an hour ago she had asked God to show Himself to her, and now Nolan Cook was holding her and saying he had never loved anyone else. She let that thought surround her, let it wash over her. If that wasn’t God showing Himself to be real, she didn’t know what was. After all this time, Nolan Cook still loved her, still wanted her! Which could mean only one thing.

God was indeed real. Not only that, but like Nolan, God still loved her.

He loved her more than she could comprehend.

Chapter
Twenty-eight