The Child Whisperer (14 page)

When Caleb was five years old, he told a lie. His mother could tell that his story didn’t add up, but even when she started to gently coax him to tell her what really happened, he picked up on her upset energy and he withdrew. The more intense and demanding she became, the more he closed down. Since they were driving in the car together, Caleb’s mother pulled over to the side of the road to wait him out. Even that did not convince him to open up and talk!

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The tender nature of a Type 2 might be judged as a weakness by certain people, sometimes even by you. These children might receive labels like wishy-washy, wimpy, or hyper-sensitive. But their natural sensitivity can develop into a great strength with your support. Reassure your Type 2 child that their emotions are valid and they can take as much time to process and express those feelings as they need.

What can you do to help your child feel like you appreciate their natural sensitivity? List some things you want to focus on here:

Thought and Feeling Processes: Planners and Worriers

A Type 2 thought process is all about connections—which means that these children are both expert planners and potential worriers. They can often recall detailed memories. And they think far into the future, connecting present details with future events. As emotional thinkers, they require lots of details so they can make connections that lead them to calm and safe decisions.

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SAM’S STORY

Making Plans

Twelve-year-old Sam is a Type 2 planner and his mom knows it. So to honor his natural gift, she asked him if he had any plans for the upcoming summer—even though there were three more months still left in the school year. “No,” he said. “I am trying to decide which elective classes I should take in high school.” A planner, indeed.

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These children experience a continuous process of interconnected thought, thinking things through from beginning to what they foresee as the end. They spend a lot of time gathering details and making plans, and they like those plans to follow a steady flow. For this reason, these children have a hard time disconnecting from their current plan to follow a new plan. They are sensitive to abrupt or unexpected changes.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Help your Type 2 child feel like they have a plan each day. You may even want to talk about it a day in advance. Let your child know what to expect from you and get input on their own preferred plans (believe me, they’ve thought about it already). You will avoid emotional breakdowns later on in the day if you’re clear on what your Type 2 child expects and you follow through with plans you both agree on. If your family’s plans need to change as the day goes on, communicate these changes with your Type 2 child as soon as you can. Explain the details and acknowledge that accepting this change may take them a moment. Give them time to process how they feel about it. Even if the new plans are exciting and fun, change can feel jarring or disappointing for these children. Allow for tears without negative judgment from you.

A Type 2 child can obviously never answer every question and gather every single detail. But they might try anyway. When they do, they can become preoccupied with future unknowns. Of all four Types of children, these are the worriers.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Planning together with your Type 2 child will lower their anxiety level before upcoming changes: starting a new school year, moving to a new city, meeting a group of new people. These children need to feel like they’ve thought through enough details to enter a new situation safely and comfortably. Your participation in this process can add support and perspective that helps them avoid spinning downward into worry. You do not need to create the plan yourself—only offer the opportunity for it to happen. All you need to ask your Type 2 child about an upcoming change is, “How can I help you plan and feel comfortable for this?” Listen closely to the answer.

Feelings are a big deal for Type 2 children—after all, their primary connection to the world is emotional. They value emotional connection and are amazingly sensitive to the emotional state of relationships they cherish. With their sensitive demeanor, these children need time and validation from you to explain how they feel and to occasionally cry. Sometimes they need to cry for no apparent reason, only to realize afterward what the crying was about. In other words, they need to feel the emotion first before they can always articulate what it is. If they start crying, don’t demand that they explain immediately what is wrong—they might not know how to tell you yet!

Type 2 children often feel things without revealing them to others. They usually want to share how they feel, but may not know how. They may also worry about sharing feelings that make you feel uncomfortable. So they wait for you to notice their subtle emotional cues and start the conversation. If you’ve ever found your Type 2 child crying quietly alone somewhere, waiting for someone to come find and comfort them, you know what I mean. These children will share their own feelings openly if they are asked and do not feel rushed.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Even though they have a strong emotional orientation, these children need to be encouraged to share their feelings. Take a tip from your Type 2 child and ask some questions! Try one of these examples:
How are you feeling? Are you okay? Do you need help? Would you like to share something with me?
And then think of some of your own. Asking questions like these on a fairly regular basis will help you check in emotionally with your child.

What are some more questions you thought of that will help you emotionally check in with your Type 2 child? List them here:

Child Whisperer Tip:
Type 2 children appreciate reassurance. Reassure them with phrases like, “Your feelings are important. You can feel whatever you are feeling and share your feelings with me at any time.” Once they open up, make sure you don’t judge their feelings as inappropriate or weak by telling them to “get over it.” Sharing their feelings allows them to start working through emotions so they can move through them rather than get stuck in them and feel depressed and sad. By making sure your Type 2 child feels heard, you can help them with any unresolved feelings under the surface.

You can tell when a Type 2 child is not supported in feeling their feelings and working through them when they start to seem very needy, clingy, and whiny. Type 2s who are not offered the opportunity to work through these feelings develop into children and teens who lack self confidence and start to believe the #1 limiting belief Type 2s create about themselves, which is that their emotional orientation makes them weak and they need to “toughen up.” This limiting belief only disconnects them from one of their greatest natural gifts that is meant to be a blessing to them and others.

Since their movement is naturally more subdued, Type 2 children sometimes get talked over. They will stop sharing their emotional experience if they feel they’re not being listened to—sometimes even in mid-sentence. Do not demand that they start sharing again.

A Type 2 child who believes his or her feelings are not being heard may become very stressed. In young children, this can look like whining, pouting, or a tantrum. In an older child, it may look more like sulking, excessive silence, or withdrawal. Give them your full attention, express that you genuinely want to hear them, and emphasize that they can take their time in telling you whatever they want to. You will find that your child’s gentle and sensitive demeanor returns.

A Type 2 child’s natural sensitivity also makes them responsive to contention. A lot of yelling and fighting in your home will damage a Type 2’s emotional state more quickly than you realize. And nobody even needs to yell for Type 2 children of any age to sense underlying tension. Because they want everyone to feel comfortable, these children might even compromise their own needs and desires in order to keep the peace. Hold everyone in your family accountable for resolving their own conflicts and don’t allow your Type 2 child to become the regular middleman or sole peacemaker in your house.

Although I think it’s best not to yell at any Type of child, try not to raise your voice with Type 2 children especially. Type 2s are the most sensitive to extreme emotional expressions and it can really jolt their energetic alignment.

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KAELA’S STORY

Bothered by Contention