The Child Whisperer (38 page)

The same qualities that help Type 4 children perform well in the classroom—structure, focus, and stillness—can make socializing with potential new friends feel awkward and challenging. They may feel comfortable in the classroom, but inhibited on the playground. Every family’s situation is different and as a Child Whisperer, you will receive inspiration for what works best to help your child make new friends.

Some mothers have mentioned that their Type 4 children flourished through home schooling. As they are naturally self-motivated and structured, these children are able to accomplish their academic tasks without a lot of extra follow-up or hand-holding. And one mother noted that home schooling actually improved her Type 4 son’s social skills, rather than inhibiting them. She said, “We did more together as a family than ever, and having the support of his parents and his siblings with him in social situations greatly helped his confidence and helped him practice in a safe environment.”

One last note about school: This description of Type 4 children might sound confusing if your Type 4 child is resistant to attending school or working on homework. Remember that Type 4 movement reflects a black-and-white, all-or-nothing expression. While most Type 4 children look like the responsible, on-task, fully committed student that teachers love, others express exactly the opposite. They may rebel and boldly resist anything related to school. Their resistance to school is usually related to respect and authority. For whatever reason, they do not feel respected at school, or they have found a reason to reject the authority of the people who teach them. Rather than try to convince them why they should go to school, go deep and find the root of the issue. Ask their opinion about school and listen for the word
stupid
. Honor your Type 4 child’s nature, be their champion and defend them if their teachers and their classmates don’t understand them. They will respect you for it and appreciate that they feel like they are not alone.

Study Habits:
Repetition is useful

Study routines work well for Type 4 children. Some of these children may just prefer to continue in their mental track of school and take care of their homework right when they get home. Others need some time to decompress after school and choose to work on their homework later. The key is a schedule that works for your child.

Repetition in their study is useful to them if the subject at hand is one that interests them. If a Type 4 child needs to work on homework they’re not interested in, they don’t understand, or they just plain don’t like, they may complain about it loudly. In this case, they may add another red flag word to the mix when they call their homework stupid and
boring.
“That homework is boring.” The task might be something they don’t understand or know how to do, so they try to avoid it, or it might truly be boring for them. They may have already thought through a concept and felt like they mastered it before the rest of the class is ready to go on.

These children may not accept their parents as an authority on homework. Their teacher may have explained it a certain way and they feel there is only one way to complete a task. Do not be offended if they do not see you as an authority in their schoolwork.

. . . .

COLE’S STORY

Long Division

Cole was learning to do long division when he asked his mother a question. She asked him a question in return. Instead of answering her, he just huffed and took his homework into another room. His mother has said about his schoolwork experience, “If you have questions, he thinks you don’t know and he’s lost confidence in you.”

Because this mother knows her son’s Energy Type, she does not take offense or worry that their relationship is damaged. Her son might not look to her as an authority in long division, but will look to her for expertise in other areas of his life.

. . . .

Just like not wanting to be reminded to do their chores, Type 4 children don’t like to be told to do their homework. Since they are so aware of their responsibilities, they know what needs to be done and have organized in their mind when and how they will do it. Many Type 4 children even make use of a planner or other system to organize their time. When checking up on the status of your child’s homework, remember to use phrases that communicate your confidence in their natural ability to follow through: “I know you have a plan to finish your homework. Do you want my help with any of it?”

Physical Development

Learning to Walk:
Following the grown-ups

Type 4 children want to do things for themselves, so they tend to walk fairly early. As these children grow, they take mental note of all the things that grown-ups do and try to duplicate them. Walking may just be one of the very first milestones where this tendency becomes apparent.

Learning to Talk:
Striving to speak perfectly

Type 4s pay careful attention to language and then strive to duplicate it accurately. They do not express as much unintelligible babble as other children do. They wait until they can produce actual speech sound with language that is precise and clear for their age. This might mean that they wait a long time to speak, but when they do they will be very articulate. Even so, you still may struggle to understand them at times when they first learn to talk. You will notice that your child will become easily frustrated if you don’t understand what they try to communicate.

. . . .

SETH’S STORY

Grown-Up Words

My grandson Seth learned to talk readily and enjoyed using his new found skill of speaking. As a toddler, he paid close attention to words he did not know and asked their meaning. I noticed his tendency to do this, so I asked him, “Seth, do you like to learn what words mean so you can use them when you talk?” He told me, “Yes, Grandma, I do.” At an early age he often used very advanced words appropriately in sentences. For example, one day when his little brother who was only two at the time was whining and fussing to get something, Seth spoke up to his mom saying, “Mom, don’t give in to Joseph’s desperate pleas!”

. . . .

Potty Training:
Matter-of-fact

These children are naturally tidier and more efficient. They dislike the mess and lack of control over their bladder. They need to hear about the process in matter-of-fact terms and will be more motivated to try it if you point out that all the adults use the toilet and no grown-ups are using diapers anymore. They want to be taken seriously and seen as more grown-up, so this is a big motivator for them. Let your child be their own authority and choose between the big toilet and a shorter potty seat.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Keep their potty-training experience private. Do not share potty training talk at the dinner table with the rest of the family, or tell potty training stories publicly to your friends. These children don’t like it when their privacy is taken away in front of other people, especially in front of adults.

Sleeping:
Best served by a sleep schedule

These children do best with a bedtime routine and a regular sleep schedule. They will stick with a particular sleeping pattern for a long time, repeating the same hours of wakefulness and lengths of naps day after day. Honor their need for predictability and repetition by keeping a regular bedtime for your Type 4 child. As a Type 3 parent, I was not as consistent with bedtime when our children were growing up. True to my son Mark’s Type 4 nature, he took matters into his own hands. By the time he was in grade school, he had created his own bedtime and faithfully went to bed every school night at his self-appointed bedtime.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Create a space where your child can experience stillness before they go to sleep. Make sure their bedroom feels calm and safe.

Going to Pre-school and School:
Need time to observe

New situations always present an opportunity for you to help your Type 4 child feel safe. Early school experiences can be a tough adjustment for Type 4 children. When they arrive, they may hang back, just observing. They may not want to talk to anyone at first. All of this is normal behavior for a Type 4 child and should not be talked about as a flaw or a problem. It’s a tendency, and they need to know they can still be respected for needing to take new interactions at their own pace.

Part of their underlying anxiety in situations like these comes from their worry of being unprepared or caught off guard. Being unprepared could potentially lead to situations in which they would feel stupid or embarrassed. The more sure they feel about what will happen, the more at ease they will feel at school and in other social situations.

Child Whisperer Tip:
You can help make the transition easier by explaining the routine well in advance. Talk your child through the steps that will happen, one at a time. “First, you’ll play with toys with the other kids. Next, you’ll hear a story. . .” Describe the steps all the way up through the moment when you come to pick them up. If you don’t know the preschool’s basic routine, ask. Type 4s see and understand the bigger picture of what’s happening in their world. When they know this, they are at ease. This is true for even very young Type 4s, even as young as three years old.

Being Left with a Babysitter:
Need advance notice

Type 4 children may initially feel uncomfortable with being left somewhere unfamiliar or a new person coming into their familiar space. Regular babysitters eventually come to be trusted.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Prep your Type 4 child in advance about what is coming up. Communicate the big picture—who’s coming and for how long. Allow them to prep themselves mentally before the fact.

Dating:
All or nothing

Due to their all-or-nothing nature, they will either love dating or feel no need for it. The more reserved your Type 4 child is, the longer they may wait until they feel comfortable dating. Group dating with friends they know really well helps them break into the dating world. Another caution is, due to their tendency for deeper connections with people, if your Type 4 teen does not feel deeply connected to you, they may create a relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend to satisfy their need to share their deeper thoughts and feelings with someone. If this has happened to your Type 4 teen, rather than try and stop it and ban it, which may lead to them rebelling and doing what they want anyway, start to build trust and respect with them, so they value your wisdom and guidance.

High School Experience:
Fewer, closer friends