The Child Whisperer (35 page)

Child Whisperer Tip:
On a regular basis, give them one-on-one time with you where you give them your full attention and make eye contact. Every Type 4 child I have seen, including my own son when he was little, will grab their mom’s face and say to them, “Listen to me, Mom!” Before you even sit down with them, make sure you can commit to listening. Just say, “I want you to talk about whatever you want. I just want you to know you have this time with me where you don’t have any interruptions.” These children give their full attention to those they are listening to, and they will appreciate that you take the time to do the same for them.

Once they start opening up and sharing, let them keep going. Don’t interrupt them or start giving advice. Just listen. When they are done, ask them, “Are you done? Do you want any feedback from me?” If it is a younger child, it can be phrased as, “Do you want Mommy (or Daddy) to help you? Or do you want to figure it out on your own?” Communicate clearly, honestly, respectfully and logically with these children and they will respond in kind.

Communication with a Type 4 child can be very easy. Unfortunately, many parents of Type 4 children have the opposite experience. Most parents make one primary mistake: when their Type 4 child turns to them for support, they naturally start to advise and tell their child what to do. I learned from many experiences with my Type 4 son, Mark, an entirely different approach that helped him connect, both with me and with the insight he was seeking.

One afternoon, Mark came to me feeling troubled and stressed out and asked if we could talk. I was in the middle of something and told him I needed 10 more minutes. He asked, “Mom, will it really be 10 minutes? Because you know me and I will be back in 10 minutes.” Since I know Mark takes things literally, I thanked him for the reminder and told him it would be fifteen minutes. Mark returned in fifteen minutes and sat down in my bedroom. I asked him if he just wanted me to listen or to give him feedback. He replied and told me he just wanted me to listen.

I put down everything I was doing and engaged with Mark 100 percent with full eye contact. I let him share his thoughts and feelings and then something happened that I had never noticed before. Mark came to his own insights and the aha’s he needed to resolve his current issue. All he needed was someone to talk it out with. We both recognized that he had come to his own awareness and that my role at that time as his mother was to give him the support he needed by being present for him. At other times, Mark invites my feedback and takes it very seriously and appreciatively. All I have to do is ask him how best to support him when he comes to me.

Behavioral Tendencies

Family Relationships:
Ever loyal, often misunderstood

Type 4 children open up with people they know best. They remain incredibly loyal to those they love. They feel a deep love and loyalty for their family members.

However, these children are the most likely of all the Types to be misunderstood by their parents, siblings, and extended family. They can experience pain or conflict in family relationships that lead them to believe they need to take control, criticize, or withdraw. When this happens, Type 4 children can feel very alone. As a Child Whisperer, you can facilitate understanding between family members and help your Type 4 child feel respected and included.

Child Whisperer Tip:
One of the most important ways to achieve this is to give your Type 4 child a voice in family rules and activities. These children need to feel like they have some say in what happens to them and the authority that is exercised over them. Don’t worry that your child will make up ridiculous rules that allow them to do whatever they want. Because Type 4s are attuned to authority, they respect rules—particularly those rules that they’ve created themselves and committed to follow. Give them an age-appropriate voice in what is expected of them, and consequences if they disobey. You may find that they have a higher standard than you do!

Type 4 children will give you a signal if they do not feel they have enough of a voice in family situations: They will start to play in extremes. For example, they may rebel against
all
the family rules, even if some of the rules make sense to them. This sort of all-or-nothing rebellion is a statement that their voice is not being heard. Pay attention to it.

Type 4 children need to feel safe in their privacy at home. This means they need some of their own private space. They also need to feel safe that their parents will not talk about confidential conversations or personal matters with other family members without their permission. Their need for privacy also means not calling them out or chastising them in front of the rest of the family. They get especially upset when a sibling calls them out. They may react angrily when someone who doesn’t have the right authority tries to play the parent, although they may try parenting their own siblings themselves from time to time. They like to take control, so you may need to remind them that you are the parent and they do not need to worry about anyone else’s actions but their own.

. . . .

JAKE’S STORY

The Meltdown

Jake’s brother came in the room to report to their mother that Jake had said a bad word. Jake immediately said, “I did not.” And then he lost it, completely melting down. He shouted repeatedly that he didn’t say a bad word and got surprisingly upset with his brother.

Whether he said the word or not doesn’t matter. Either way, this is a classic Type 4 child’s reaction to this kind of family situation. To be put on the spot like that by a sibling is a horrible experience for a Type 4 child. They have a level of expectation within themselves to do things right. Being tattled on like that and exposed is very embarrassing to them. They react to the embarrassment and the shame, not to the mistake itself that they made.

Jake’s mom decided that in the future, she would tell Jake’s siblings, “If you have an issue with your brother, come and tell me privately. Then I’ll see if we even need to deal with it. Then I will talk to him privately.” This allows her to correct Jake when needed without embarrassing him in front of the rest of the family.

. . . .

If your Type 4 child seems to overreact in certain family situations, don’t try to resolve the issue in front of everyone. Invite your child into another room to talk with you. Don’t even discuss what just happened, but try to discover the root of their bold reaction. Most likely, your child feels embarrassed, shamed, or stupid. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but for a Type 4 child, embarrassment is the worst punishment. To them, it’s a sign that they have not lived up to their personal standard—and now everyone knows it. This feeling gives them the sense that they are no longer in control. It can be a frightening experience for a young Type 4 who doesn’t yet know how to manage a sense of failure.

I have also noticed this kind of reaction in younger Type 4 children who get hurt accidentally. My grandson Seth was running and playing when he fell very hard and scratched his leg. He cried because it hurt and immediately ran to his mom for comfort. When the extended family that was around him all tuned into his accident and tried to soothe him, he pulled back, turned away and stopped crying suddenly. I recognized his embarrassment and quietly suggested to his aunts and uncles to change their focus and let his mom take care of it privately. He was only three years old at the time!

Child Whisperer Tip:
Do not tell your child to lighten up, get over it, or stop feeling that way. Their strong reaction to embarrassment is so automatic; it’s just built into Type 4 programming. If you tell them that their authentic, automatic response is flawed somehow, you essentially tell them there’s something wrong with being themselves.

You can better help them manage their reaction by validating their feelings instead. Consider saying something as simple as, “It seems like you feel embarrassed. Is that right?” If the answer is yes, you can team up with your child by telling them how you want to help. Ask them to help you see the best way to support them. Here’s an example: “That seems really uncomfortable for you. I’m going to support you so you don’t have to be put in this situation anymore. Let’s come up with a different approach. I want to help you feel safe and comfortable in our family.”

Type 4 children need solitude at home, away from family members. As they get older, some might take care of this themselves by spending a long time going to the bathroom. It is not unusual for a Type 4 to spend thirty or forty minutes in there. It doesn’t take them that long to actually use the bathroom, but that’s where they get their solitude. If you make accommodations for that in your house, rather than banging on the door and telling them to stop taking so long, your child will naturally get the solitude they need at home and be more pleasant to be around.

If at all possible, allow your Type 4 child to have their own room. It would benefit them greatly and allow them more privacy. If that is not possible, I have suggested to parents that they invest in some portable screens that could create more privacy in a shared room for a Type 4.

Privacy is not the only factor that Type 4s benefit from when they have their own room. They are also supported in having a space they can call their own and be the authority of. A good friend of mine who is a Type 4 shared with me that when she was growing up, she shared a room with her Type 1 sister. In their early teens, my friend drew an imaginary line down the middle of the room and told her sister, “This is my half of the room. Please keep your things on your half.” My friend was very neat and organized with her space, making her bed every day and keeping her side of the room very clean. It was important to her to have a designated space that she could manage and where she could be her own authority. On the other hand, her sister’s side of the room was usually very messy with a lot out and about. These two sisters now laugh at how true they were living to their natures—neither way being better, just different!

Friends and Social Settings:
Need their alone time

Type 4 children express a unique movement, in that the quality of their energy is very bold—when they show up, people notice them. But the movement of their energy moves inward. They are energized by their inner mental experience. Depending on their secondary Energy Type, some Type 4 children can handle expressing their bold energy easily in social activities. Other Type 4 children are much more inwardly focused and require less social contact than their parents might think they need.

Regardless of how comfortable they feel in social settings, all Type 4 children will need some time afterward to decompress and ground themselves again. After social situations, allow your child the space and time they need to regain their inner balance. Doing so will help them feel solid in their own energy when they encounter social settings in the future.

Before joining in any social setting, Type 4 children tend to observe. They need to see the big picture without feeling pressured to be part of it at first. Then, they will remain selective about how they choose to interact. They tend to have fewer close friends to whom they are very loyal, rather than a wide variety of friends who come and go.

Child Whisperer Tip:
These children have a strong orientation to the rules and follow them with exactness. They may become very stressed out when other children disobey the rules and may report it to the authority in their life. Yes, these kids can be tattlers. You can help your child interact easier in social settings by removing the pressure to monitor everyone else. Explain who is in authority over whom (whether it be a teacher or the other child’s parent) and explain what your child’s job will be during the interaction. If they understand the hierarchy, they will let go of control over things that are not under their authority.