The Child Whisperer (32 page)

Type 4: The More Serious Child

Primary Connection to the World:
Intellectual

Primary Movement:
Straightforward and exact

Primary Need:
To be respected by their parents and family members and respect them in retur
n

T
he Type 4 expression comes from the element of carbon/earth, and its natural primary movement is constant, still, and reflective. A child with a dominant Type 4 movement will be independent, focused, and bold. With their introverted expression, they reflect perfection to create in this world. They express a low level to almost no movement. While this does mean they can hold still for longer periods of time than other Types of children, it does not mean that they sit still all the time. More about that in a moment.

These words also describe the natural movement of a dominant Type 4 child: mature, reserved, authoritative, logical, and respectful. Adults often describe a child with a dominant Type 4 energy as serious or older than their age. When I meet Type 4 children, I always notice that they hold themselves with a sense of dignity and inner confidence. Due to their more reflective nature, Type 4 children seem to sense that I understand them and respond favorably to me, when they are typically more reserved when meeting new people. I believe they sense my insight into who they are and feel my respect and love, which naturally endears me to them.

Perfecting their world and being their own authority are huge motivations for a Type 4 child. Some adults may see their tendency to perfect the world around them as a tendency to be critical. As Type 4 children grow, they may often hear that they need to lighten up, loosen up, and stop being so judgmental. If you acknowledge your Type 4 child’s bold, reflective movement as a natural strength, you will actually notice their tendency to criticize diminish and your relationship with them flourish. Dominant Type 4 children who receive early support to just live true to their structured, authoritative natures grow into adults who respect and honor their gifts, rather than tending to criticize others and themselves.

. . . .

MAX’S STORY

Always Aiming for Perfection

Five-year-old Max opened a custard style yogurt and showed his brother how smooth and shiny the top of the yogurt was. His brother barely touched the top of the yogurt with his finger, ruining the perfect surface on the yogurt top. Max got irritated, spooned off the top portion of the yogurt, then got a new spoon before eating it.

If your child is a Type 4, you may start to notice instances like these in which they want things to be just right. Encourage and validate their eye for perfection, and they will use it to improve the world around them as they grow.

. . . .

Natural Gifts and Talents: Respect and Efficiency

Type 4 children naturally offer a unique gift to this world without even trying:
A keen eye for the big picture, which leads them to perfect their world and inspire respect in it.

Type 4 energy brings us full circle in the cycle of wholeness. Type 1s start the cycle by providing ideas and optimism. Type 2s gather the details and make a plan. Type 3s move it into action. And Type 4s look at what has been created and naturally recognize inefficiencies that can be perfected to improve the end result. A Type 4 catchphrase sounds like this:
“Here is how we can make it better, and here is how we can duplicate it.”

Of all the Types, I believe Type 4 children are the most misunderstood. Our cultural perception of children strongly influences us to believe that all children are light and playful, like Type 1 energy. While it is true that all children exhibit their own degree of playfulness, a Type 4 child’s playfulness expresses itself as more exact, linear, and straightforward. They come across as more serious or more mature than their chronological age.

These children have a firm presence, one that is not easily swayed and is often misjudged as being inflexible. Type 4 children see themselves as the primary authority in their own lives. In things they care about, they are organized, precise, and focused. They like to be in control and consider their way of doing things to be the best. They have a natural ability to step back and take in the big picture all at once, which allows them to figure out how things work and see in an instant how to perfect processes.

They naturally create more efficiency in their own lives and, if they are allowed, the lives of those around them. These children have a gift for seeing how all the pieces fit together to create a whole. They can perfect and systematize any process in order to create a desirable, repeatable outcome. For example, you might show your Type 4 child how to complete a certain household task and they will naturally find ways to complete that task more efficiently. Whatever you show them how to do, they are usually always thinking of a better way it could be done.

. . . .

JAKE’S STORY

The Gift of Perfecting

Type 4 Jake was eight years old when his mother asked him if anything bugged him. Without even pausing, he proceeded to give her a numbered list! “Okay,” he said. “These are the things that bother me: #1. There’s a girl in my class who spits when she talks. #2. This other kid. . .” He went on to name five things that got under his skin.

A mother who didn’t understand her child’s true nature might tell her son to stop being so critical and that what he’d said wasn’t very nice. Jake’s mother recognized these as natural gifts in her Type 4 son—his keen eye and innate desire to perfect the world.

Instead of asking their Type 4 children to stop seeing the world the way they do, parents who understand their child’s true nature can help their children focus their discerning eye in positive ways.

. . . .

At times, your Type 4 child’s desire for perfection may seem like criticism to you. You may find yourself just wishing that your child could be content and happy with the way things are—for just once! However, telling them to stop seeing the world the way they do is just another way of asking them to stop being who they are. If you do this, you will only encourage your child to turn that keen, perfecting eye inward. They will focus their gift on themselves and may begin to judge their own nature as flawed. You don’t want to set them up for the inner criticism that many Type 4 adults experience later in life as a result of being told they were too critical when they were young.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Instead of dreading criticism, express your willingness to hear suggestions for improvement. Do this before your Type 4 child even offers an opinion next time and you may be amazed with the results. Consider using phrases or questions like these: “If you see something that would make this work better, please tell me.” Or, “I’m sure you’ve thought of a better way to finish that chore and I’m excited to see it.” “What do you think would be the best way to do this?” Then really listen to their reply. Your child will feel honored that you respect their opinion, especially since they value their own opinion so highly.

Let go of any anxiety you have about opening a flood gate of criticism. No Type 4 will share
all
their insights. It may seem like they are always correcting you, but an overload of judgment from your child is often a signal that they are feeling shut down or dismissed. If they know that you will accept and honor their input, they can maintain their bold stance without feeling the need to voice it at all times. The more open you are to feedback, the less “critical” your Type 4 child will actually seem to be.

Type 4 energy is an introvert expression that leads these children to be more reserved, private, and independent. Their nature is reflective and bold, characteristics that make them seem more solemn and mature, even at an early age. Their movement expresses itself as solid and structured, which is often a surprise to parents who expect their children to be carefree and random.

I know of a mother who felt concerned when her toddler son started arranging items in rows: his toy cars, her makeup pencils, or any other small item that he could line up. She worried that perhaps she had done something wrong to make him too uptight before he even turned two. She just needed to know that her Type 4 little boy was already honoring his own exact movement and attempting to structure and perfect his world in the small ways available to him.

A Type 4 child’s nature is a great gift to them and to your family. They step back from a situation rather than jumping into it, and they can take in everything at a glance. As they grow, your Type 4 child will be more likely to think things through and be aware of their options before making big decisions. It’s not something you’ll have to teach them—they will do it naturally as long as they are supported in being their own authority in the decisions that they make.

While these children primarily connect with the world intellectually, they experience their emotions deeply. When parents mistake Type 4 children’s emotional depth and assume that these children have everything under control, parents may emotionally neglect them. The neglect would be inadvertent, of course, but damaging nonetheless. Allow your child to feel safe in sharing their more private emotional experience with you on their terms.

Personality Traits: More Serious Than the Other Types

From the very beginning of writing this book, I spent quite some time considering the right word to describe the Type 4 child. Others often describe these children as focused, serious, or mature. I would like to take a moment to explain why I decided on the description of the more serious child as the Type 4 Child’s title.

Type 4 children take themselves seriously—not necessarily in a somber, straight-faced way, but in the way that they view themselves. They see themselves as someone worth taking seriously. These children are also reflective, contemplative, and more structured, which we tend to think of as a more serious, adult-like energy.

The word
mature
also made it into the running for the Type 4 child’s title. Adults regularly use this word to comment on a Type 4 child’s more intellectual, systematic approach and their lower level of movement. However, a Type 4 child’s insistence on being their own authority can lead to behavior that may also seem immature at times. As Tori, one helpful Type 4 mother put it, “Type 4s, with our own agendas and insistence upon ourselves as authority figures, don’t always prioritize traits that adults see as mature. For example, a Type 4 child who is ‘into’ a certain kind of toy or childish game may stay focused on it long after he or she has outgrown it. A Type 4 child may not understand the benefit of learning to get along and be agreeable with others in social situations, and may appear immature socially.”

Whatever Type 4 children want to do—even if it is something that seems immature, such as wearing summer sandals out in the snow—they take what they are doing seriously. They look seriously at themselves and the world around them, which may or may not look mature to others. In this book, the Type 4 child is described as the more serious child. This title is meant to honor their natural gifts and approach to life.

. . . .

A 5 YEAR-OLD DANCER’S STORY

Keeping it Serious

The mother of a Type 4 little girl recently shared this story with me. Her five-year-old Type 4 daughter had prepared for a dance recital over several months. On the night of the recital this girl executed her prepared dance nearly perfectly. After the prepared dance, the teacher asked all the students to make up a dance in the moment to the music that was playing. This little girl chose not to participate in the random dance. Rather than make her daughter participate, the mom followed her Child Whisperer instincts and honored her daughter’s choice not to participate.

After the recital, the mom asked her daughter, “Why did you not want to dance the silly dance with the other students?” Very seriously, her Type 4 daughter replied, “I don’t dance like that. I only dance the dances I have practiced for.” This mom shared with me that in the past, before she understood her daughter’s more serious nature, she might have thought that her daughter was not child-like enough and would have worried about her. Knowing her daughter was a Type 4 reassured her that her daughter was living true to her nature and that she had nothing to worry about.

. . . .

From a very early age (as early as two to three years old, perhaps earlier), Type 4 children have an intrinsic need to be their own authority. This is just one more example of the ways they take themselves seriously. They want to make their own decisions about the structure and the direction of their life. It is common to hear “I want to do it myself” from the earliest stages of a Type 4 child’s life.