The Child Whisperer (45 page)

Parenting True to Both Your Natures

Raising a child true to their nature and staying true to your own nature in your parenting style is a daily balancing act. You are not meant to abandon what is natural for you in who you are as a parent. As a Child Whisperer, you learn to take each day at a time and follow your intuition in knowing when you need to accommodate your child’s nature over yours and when you need to be true to yourself and have your children support you. As you hold the intention that everyone will be honored in the process of your daily family life, that is what you will experience.

It is also important to let go of your negative judgments about yourself as a parent. Commit to becoming a better parent by living true to your nature and managing your natural tendencies. Look at the natural dynamic of your relationship with your child through the lens of both of your Types. How and when are you pushing each other’s buttons? Now that you know this information, how will things change?

Write some of your thoughts and inspiration here:

Popular Parenting Approaches
That Do Not Work for
All Types of Children

T
he truth is, most classic parenting approaches don’t work for a lot of children. In this book so far, you’ve already explored some of the reasons why each child is unique. So you understand now why a one-size-fits-all approach would just create frustration, both for children
and
for parents. Some popular parenting approaches lead to more focus on discipline and disciplinary tactics than we actually need in order to raise our children.

Together, let’s reexamine some common disciplinary tactics and parenting beliefs that many parents incorporate into their parenting. You are becoming a Child Whisperer. So consider the possibility that some of the tactics you are using are not serving your child. Consider the even greater possibility that when you honor both yourself and your child, parenting will naturally become a more cooperative, enjoyable experience for you both, which means that you’ll have less need overall to discipline your child.

Common Disciplinary Tactics

Before we look at specific discipline tactics, let’s consider where the need for discipline even comes from.

Most parents are drawn to a parenting approach that’s consistent with their own true nature, rather than their child’s. They’re just naturally drawn to something that appeals to them personally. This is understandable. However, children resist parenting styles that move contrary to their natural expression. Parents often interpret their resistance as disobedience, defiance, or rebellion; then, a parent responds with disciplinary measures to try and eliminate the negative reaction.

Discipline is Judgment

In a way, discipline is judgment. We discipline in order to change a movement, a tendency, a reaction. In other words, on some level, parents discipline their children in order to change who they are. Our children might submit in the short-term to discipline that tries to change them, but they will not respond positively in the long run. And discipline that works contrary to their nature will not ultimately help them live more true to their nature as adults.

When you mindfully honor your child’s true nature, discipline actually takes on an entirely new look because it’s supportive to your child, rather than punitive. How you choose to correct your child actually works in tandem with who they really are. In turn, your children become naturally more cooperative and responsive to your guidance. I really believe that if you consciously manage your own tendencies and work with your child’s true nature in a way that honors them, you will actually eliminate a huge amount of need for discipline in your home.

Take a look with me at the practical application of how to shape (or discard) certain kinds of discipline for each Type of child:

Time Out

Time Out is a go-to tactic for many parents. And it gets the job done in many ways: It removes a child from a high-stress situation, and it feels like a solution when a child’s reaction seems inappropriate or out of control. Unfortunately, it can also lead to greater frustration and struggle. Consider the possibility that time-out may not be an effective measure for your child, or that in order to maintain a strong connection with your child, you may need to modify the way it is implemented

Type 1 in Time Out
: A long, solitary time-out for the Type 1 child feels like a day of torture. Given their high energy, they’re not likely to just sit still anyway. You may find yourself in a pattern of struggle that every time they get out of time out, you add minutes to the clock, but it just gets dragged out so long that you don’t want to do it anymore. You get frustrated and your child feels weighed down and confined, which makes them even more frustrating to deal with.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Time out is not a good option for a Type 1 child. Making the connection between what they did wrong and being confined in a chair doesn’t make sense to them, and the imposed structure just makes them more boisterous than they were before. If your Type 1 child is out of control and you simply need them to bring down the energy level (for a good reason—not just for your own convenience), consider distracting them with something fun. If they are resisting a request you’ve made, try turning cooperation into a game.
Consider whether or not your child is out of control because they feel overly controlled.
If you take care of the root of the problem, the perceived need for time out may actually disappear. If they have hurt another child, solitary time out still may not be the best option, as it removes them from the social context where they can make amends.

Type 2 in Time Out
: These children will often comply quickly if threatened with time out. If sent to time out, they will usually sit quietly. But if you send a Type 2 child to time out, you run the risk of making them feel emotionally disconnected from or rejected by their parents. This is a terrifying feeling for these children. On the outside, they may look very compliant; but on the inside, they may turn inward and try to disconnect from you because they feel rejected or emotionally unsafe. This is not the emotional place you want your Type 2 child to be.

Child Whisperer Tip:
If you need to remove a Type 2 child from a situation where they are whining or acting out of control in any way, go with them. Ask them to tell you how they are feeling and how you can help them to feel better. Their acting out is a signal to you that they need you to ask this question. They often calm down when they are invited to express how they feel.

Yes, this may take more time than just sending them to time out alone, but it will be more effective in the long run.
You will teach your child that they can speak up to have their needs met,
and their whining or moodiness will naturally decrease because of it.

Type 3 in Time Out:
Time out will make these children feel stopped or thwarted from their current goal, which is one of the worst experiences for these driven, determined children. When they are asked to sit still in one place with no obvious purpose, they just end up feeling frustrated. Without any place or action for that frustration to go, they may express their energy in explosive anger or become physically destructive to the place where they are sent to time out.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Time out is just not a good option for these children. They won’t see the purpose in it (even if you explain that the purpose is to think about what they’ve done).
They relate to the world physically and so any reason you give for sitting still will not resonate with them.
Rather than time-out, give them a motivating challenge, a project, or a job. It can be something they’re asked to do as a consequence for some way that they’ve disobeyed. Whatever you do, allow your Type 3 to have a result from it, and respond to their result by expressing, “Wow, that is impressive. Look at what you did!”

Type 4 in Time Out
: With their still, reflective nature, Type 4 children have a lower movement. If you send a Type 4 to time out, especially if it’s in their room where they can do things that they choose, it may actually feel like a reward—unless, of course, you’ve made the announcement of time out public to their siblings or friends. In that case, they will spend every minute in time out focusing intently on how small you’ve made them feel.

Child Whisperer Tip:
If your Type 4 child is acting up, consider the possibility that they feel too scattered and they need to center themselves. Get them into a single, linear activity and they will usually calm down a bit. For example, when my son Mark was too wired up and stressed out, I would have him do an activity that required a lot of his focus. It worked like a charm to help him get centered and balanced again.

If you need to remove your Type 4 child from a situation, do it without drawing attention to them.
When you show respect for your child’s need for privacy, they will more likely respect the form of discipline you choose.
Time out might actually be appropriate as a relief, but you should leave the situation with your child and then speak with them privately to get their input on whether or not they need some time alone. Communicate that time alone is meant to support and not shame them.

Revoking Privileges

Some parents tell their children that unless they behave in a certain way, they won’t be able to attend a birthday party, or play video games, or drive the car. These sorts of consequences are useful, but may backfire if used in the wrong way with the wrong Type of child—especially if your child has not been informed that their privileges will be revoked for misbehavior and you choose to revoke them on a whim as a response to your frustration and anger. If you choose to revoke privileges, always communicate that information well before misbehavior happens.

Type 1 Privileges
: A Type 1 child may not make the same connection between the two events (their mistake and the privilege taken away) and only see that you’re shutting down their fun. If shutting down their fun is exactly what you want to do when your child has disobeyed, consider the possibility that you are choosing your method of discipline based on your own desire to get back at your child or show them who’s boss. You can more effectively correct your Type 1 child if you keep things light for them. When your child is young, this might look like playing peek-a-boo in order to get their attention off something they shouldn’t do. As they age, this might mean just using a tone of voice that seems happier, rather than taking discipline so seriously.

Type 2 Privileges
: A Type 2 child may become extremely emotional about missing out on something they had planned. They have already thought through the details of upcoming events and will struggle with their future plan being taken away because of something they did in the past. If you truly feel you need to revoke a privilege for something your Type 2 child has done, take a bit of extra time to sit and talk it through with them. Allow them the time to process the details and create a new plan in their mind. Otherwise, your child may feel they cannot count on the plans they make because those plans may be taken away at short notice. This puts a Type 2 child in a stressful state.

Type 3 Privileges
: If you revoke the privilege to do a certain thing, your Type 3 child may go ahead and do that thing anyway. This can lead to taking away more privileges. You will just create a cycle of getting in your child’s way and stopping them, which will lead to reactive outbursts from them and frustration for you both. Instead of taking things away, give your Type 3 child activities to do. They could agree to do certain extra tasks around the house when they have been disobedient to rules in your home.

Type 4 Privileges
: If you take away a privilege you have already promised to a Type 4, they will find it terribly unfair. And they may have a bold reaction to the news. You can take away privileges with a Type 4 child, but do not do so arbitrarily or from a position of absolute authority. Talk together with them to establish the rules and the consequences. They will accept the consequences of their behavior more readily if they are involved in the initial conversation to decide what those consequences are.