The Cirque (9 page)

Sasha looked more worried than she had before. “Let’s get you some water.” She brought me a bottle of water and I downed it greedily and flopped my head back against the seat. Just drinking drained me of energy, despite my eight-hour nap.

“Tanner, can you come here?” Sasha said, without taking her eyes from mine. Gabriel looked up too but then turned his head and continued staring blankly out the window, though it was really too dark to see anything outside now. They talked in hushed tones. I knew it was about me, but I just couldn’t bring myself to focus. Tanner brought me some crackers and I ate one, but even thinking about chewing another was exhausting.

While we waited for our trailer to get set up, Sasha made me eat a little more and then I went to bed, amazed that I could still be tired. I lay in bed and vowed I’d never drink again. I didn’t want to think about it now, but I knew that tomorrow when I came to, the one thing that would consume my thoughts was that I had let Gabriel down.

The thing that consumed my thoughts was that Gabriel had seen me naked. He had carried me through the rows of trailers, wearing only his t-shirt – on display for everyone to see. I knew it had been dark so the chances of anyone actually seeing me had been slim. And somehow I knew he would have shielded me from view with his body if there were a need. I cradled my head in my hands.
How could I have been so stupid to trust Dmitri?

After a hot shower, I dressed and went to breakfast. Dmitri didn’t even look my way as I walked through the cafeteria with my tray. I kept my head down and went quickly past his table. I sat down next to Tanner.

“There she is!” he said happily.

“Hi.”

“So, you’re back from the dead?”

“Yeah, I guess so. That was one hell of a hangover,” I said, dipping the spoon tentatively into my yogurt.

“Ari, we’re worried about you,” Sasha said, setting down her coffee. Her eyes narrowed and darted from Dmitri’s table then back to me.

“What do you mean?” I took a big bite of yogurt, suddenly realizing I was hungry.

“You can’t put yourself in a position like that – with people like that.”

I looked from her to Tanner. Their faces held the same look of worry.

“I know.” I hung my head. “I’m sorry. I won’t ever put myself in that position again. I was never interested in Dmitri – I was just so set on making my own way, figuring things out for myself and trying something different, that I let it sweep me up. But I’m done with that.”

Across the room, I heard Dmitri telling a story, then a burst of laughter from his friends. I swallowed down the yogurt, losing my appetite. My stomach turned and I wasn’t sure if I was going to be sick again. I shoved my tray back and got up from the table.

I was headed back to my trailer when I spotted Gabriel in his training room. The door was open and loud, angry music blared from inside. He was hitting a punching bag that hung from the ceiling. I stood in the doorway and watched him. His arms had more power than I would have guessed. I remembered vaguely the way they’d felt wrapped around me when he carried me home. His hands were taped up and red smudges of blood were seeping across his knuckles. When I stepped in the room, he saw me and stopped.

“Hey,” he said over the music.

“Hey,” I said softly.

He was quiet, but turned down the music. His white t-shirt clung to him, revealing the outline of a tattoo on his chest. I couldn’t make out what it was.

“So, thanks for taking care of me the other night.”

He nodded, his jaw tense.

“I still have your t-shirt.” I knew he’d taken it off to cover me up. It smelled like his clean, soapy scent and I’d kept it under my pillow the night before.

“So….” I didn’t know how to ask him this – and it was awful that I didn’t know – but I wondered if he knew
more than I did about what happened between me and Dmitri. I cringed at the thought of what he’d seen, at what might have happened.

“What?” he asked sternly. “Why’d you come here? Why aren’t you with
him
?” He nodded toward the door.

It stung, but I continued, “How’d you know to come get me?”

He looked down at the floor and re-tightened the tape on his hand. “I caught wind of Dmitri’s plan and I went to check on you.”

I nodded, not knowing why I accepted this without question. “When you came in, what was happening?”

“You mean you don’t even remember?” He looked at me. I shook my head, afraid to meet his eyes. “You were pretty out of it, so I guess I’m not surprised.”

I should never have put myself in that position, and we both knew it, so there was no point trying to explain anything – especially since I sensed it would take very little for Gabriel to decide to take one of his knives and pay a visit to Dmitri and get himself in trouble over my stupidity. “Will you just tell me?”

“You really don’t know?”

I stayed quiet.

He let out a deep sigh. “Let’s see. You were undressed, and laying across his bed. He was undoing his buckle when I walked in, so I think I interrupted a critical moment. He wasn’t too happy about that either, by the way.”

I almost collapsed with relief, but the image of what Gabriel must have seen was seared into my mind. My eyes dropped to the ground in front of me. “Thank you for protecting me,” I whispered.

“It’s my job, remember?”

I nodded and turned to leave, not sure if I could hold in the tears I felt stinging my eyes. I heard Gabriel hit the punching bag even before I was out of the room.

I sucked in deep breaths of air outside and tried to clear my head. I would not cry. Sasha had been right all along, but I had been too caught up in experiencing my newfound freedom to see everything clearly.

I passed through the rows of trailers on the walk back to mine and there, waving from the antenna of one trailer, was a pair of panties.
Was there a panty raid and someone forgot to tell me?
I chuckled to myself. Wait a second.
Oh my Lord…Those were my pink cotton undies! Shit.
I’d blocked out the thought that I’d been carried out of Dmitri’s in the buff except for Gabriel’s t-shirt. Dmitri still had my panties and was flying them like a banner, announcing to the world that he’d had his way with me. What an asshole. I couldn’t believe I ever liked him.

I stopped and stared up at the antenna on the roof of the RV where my bikini bottoms saluted the trailer park. They were up way too high to reach, and there was no way I was going to ask Dmitri to take them down. I would rather pretend it didn’t bother me. No one would know they were mine, would they?

I heard footsteps behind me and turned to see Gabriel.
Awesome
. Great timing. I hoped I’d pulled my attention away from the underwear before he’d seen what I was staring at. But his eyes moved to where mine had been just moments earlier and rested heavily on the underpants waving in the breeze.

I gave him a pleading look, silently begging him to move on, to stop staring at my underwear, but he just stood there. I felt exposed, naked next to him.

Gabriel stuck his hands down low in his pockets and hung his head. “Those yours?” His voice was low and guarded.

I wanted to laugh and keep walking and pretend they weren’t, but I looked at him and his eyes were fixed on the antenna and flag that symbolized my corruption. I hoped he understood these were definitely not my best pair. Why had I insisted on buying the Hanes 3-packs rather than lacy black thongs? And for the love of God, I hoped there weren’t any embarrassing stains inside.

He took my silence for an answer and strode over toward Dmitri’s trailer.

“No. It’s fine,” I said, even though it wasn’t. I stumbled after him. The last thing I wanted was to face Dmitri right now, but there was no stopping Gabriel on this mission. I sighed and waited.

I’d figured he’d knock on the door and demand Dmitri remove them, but then again Gabriel rarely did what I expected. I turned the corner and watched as he quickly ambled up the ladder that led to the roof on the back of the RV. He hoisted himself onto the top and walked across the roof of the RV until he reached the front antenna. He stopped and looked curiously at my panties for a second before reaching out and plucking them from the antenna.

He further horrified me by stuffing them into his jeans pocket. Then he strode back to the ladder. I waited impatiently at the bottom. He hopped down, skimming over the bottom rungs.

He fished my undies from his pocket and held them in front of me. “M’lady.” They looked small in his hand. I snatched them and felt my face reddening. I think I mumbled ‘thanks’ before fleeing, but I couldn’t be sure.

***

After lying in bed for a while, trying to read and never getting past the first paragraph, I got up and decided to go stretch before our first show in Chicago. I found Sasha in the gym and we stretched together for a while. She was always quiet, but seemed lost in her thoughts even more than usual. “How are you feeling about everything?” she asked finally.

“I think Gabriel’s really pissed at me.” I eased down into a bridge to loosen my back muscles.

“He’s probably more mad at Dmitri than anything else. I think it took everything he had to leave with you rather than stay and teach him a lesson.” We both got into a straddle position and she looked at me strangely. “Listen, there’s something I should’ve told you before.”

I thought she was finally going to come clean about Gabriel’s background and I let her continue.

“When I first came here, I didn’t know anyone. I was used to being alone for so long that when I started getting attention from Dmitri, it felt…good. Especially since he was the best flyer the show had.”

“You and Dmitri?”

“Let me continue.” She took a deep breath. “I thought I could learn something from him. We started hanging out, training together. It led to…more. Once I slept with him, he stopped talking to me.”

I looked over at her. Her eyes were hard, but I could tell it still bothered her.

“The worst part is, over the years I’ve seen him do the exact same thing to the new girls who join the show. I should have known better, fought harder to keep you away from him. I guess what I’m saying is…I’m sorry.”

We switched into the butterfly position.

Her revelation surprised me – not that Dmitri was a player and had been interested in me for only one reason – that kind of made sense, but that Sasha had fallen victim to him just seemed so out of character. 

“I’ve never known him do anything as sick and wrong as try to take advantage of someone while they were passed out though. I didn’t know he was capable of that. He must have grown impatient chasing you around. You were probably taking longer than his other conquests.”

I wasn’t mad at Sasha. I knew what I wanted. Revenge. For myself, for her and for every girl Dmitri had screwed over. She looked at me expectantly, waiting for my forgiveness.

“We need to take him down.”

Her lips curved into a smile. “It’s on.” 

We spent the rest of our time stretching, giggling and contemplating strategies to destroy him. Even if nothing ever came of our outlandish ideas, I was thankful for a friend like Sasha.

***

 
I hadn’t seen Gabriel since our awkward exchange over my underwear but I felt compelled to return his t-shirt. Maybe the same way he’d felt compelled to retrieve my undies. Sasha told me which trailer was his. It was a tiny, old silver Airstream that he had to himself since no one else would room with him. I knocked on the door and stepped back, waiting for him to answer. He opened the door and peeked out – surprised to have a visitor – and invited me in.

His trailer was crammed with an eclectic collection of books, knives, half-melted candles, and painting supplies spilled over everywhere. His bed was unmade, and sitting on top of the covers was the scruffiest little dog I’d ever seen. The thing was so ugly it was cute and
hadn’t even bothered to wake up. “Who’s this?” I asked.

“This is Gertie. She’s a mixed breed. Probably part terrier, part monkey.” He walked over and ruffled her brownish-gray fur, raking his fingers through it. She looked up at him to see who had disturbed her sleep and then promptly closed her eyes again, letting out a sigh.

A crooked smile donned my lips at watching the tough, sexy Gabriel with this little crazy looking dog. I took in the rest of his room. I ran my fingers over the books on his desk. He had a lot of classics. I saw
Moby Dick
, and
Pride and Prejudice
. Classical music played in the background, breaking our silence and giving everything a sense of calm. After my eyes adjusted to the dimly lit trailer I noticed he’d been painting. There were several paintings on canvas and various scattered papers lining his desk and propped up against the walls.

His hands were smudged with dried gray and white paint.

“Sorry if I’m interrupting. I just wanted to return your shirt.” I held it up.

“You can come in,” he said, even though I was already inside. He fumbled to shut the door behind me.

I looked around at his paintings. They were good. Most had a dark, eerie quality to them, with slashes of bold colors and gritty, realistic details. The one he’d been working on made my breath catch. It was much lighter than the others. It was an angel surrounded by puffy clouds in a stormy gray sky that threatened to turn black around the edges and swallow her up. Glowing rays of light in pink and blue and soft gold streamed out from her, fighting back the darkness.