The Complete Malazan Book of the Fallen (1227 page)

This night, she had counted fifty-four. The night before there had been thirty-nine, and on the day in between they'd carried seventy-two bodies from the camp, not bothering to dig a trench this time, simply leaving them lying in rows.

The children of the Snake were on the food wagons. Their walking was done, and they too were dying.

Icarias. I see your wells. They were almost dry when we left you. Something is taking the water away, even now. I don't know why. But it doesn't matter. We will not reach them. Is it true, then, that all mothers must fail? And all fathers must walk away never to be seen again?

Mother, for you I have a poem. Will you come to me? Will you hear my words?

The wagon rocked, the heavies strained. Soldiers died.

 

They were on a path now. Fiddler's scouts had little trouble following it. Small, bleached bones, all the ones who had fallen behind the boy named Rutt, the girl named Badalle. Each modest collection he stumbled over was an accusation, a mute rebuke. These children. They had done the impossible.
And now we fail them.

He could hear the blood in his own veins, frantic, rushing through hollow places, and the sound it made was an incessant howl. Did the Adjunct still believe? Now that they were dying by the score, did she still hold to her faith? When determination, when stubborn will, proved not enough, what then? He had no answers to such questions. If he sought her out –
no, she's had enough of that. They're on her constantly. Fists, captains, the cutters.
Besides, talking was torture – lips split open, the swollen tongue struggled, the back of the throat – tight and cracked – was pained by every uttered word.

He walked with his scouts, not wanting to drop back, to see what was happening in the column. Not wanting to witness its disintegration. Were his heavies still pulling the wagons? If they were, they were fools. Were any of those starved children left? That boy, Rutt – who'd carried that thing for so long his arms looked permanently crippled – was he still in a coma, or had he slipped away, believing he'd saved them all?

That would be the best. To ride the delusion into oblivion. There are no ghosts here, not in this desert. His soul just drifted away. Simple. Peaceful. Rising, carrying that baby – because he will always carry that baby. Go well, lad. Go well, the both of you.

They'd come looking for a mother and a father. A thousand children, a thousand orphans – but he was beginning to see, here on this trail, just how many more there had once been – in this train Badalle had called the Snake, and the comprehension of that twisted like a knife in his chest.
Kolanse, what have you done? To your people? To your children? Kolanse, had you no better answer than this? Gods, if we could have found you – if we could have faced you across a killing field. We would give answer to your crimes.

Adjunct, you were right to seek this war.

But you were wrong thinking we could win it. You cannot wage war against indifference. Ah, listen to me. But am I dead? Not yet.

The previous day, when the entire camp was silent, soldiers lying motionless beneath the flies, he had reached into his pack, settled his hand upon the Deck of Dragons.
And…nothing. Lifeless.
This desert was bereft and no power could reach them.
We have made the gods blind to us. The gods, and the enemy ahead. Adjunct, I see your reason for this. I did then and I do now. But look at us – we're human. Mortal. No stronger than anyone else. And for all that you wanted to make us something more, something greater, it seems that we cannot be what you want.

We cannot be what we want, either. And this, more than anything else, is what now crushes us. But still, I am not yet dead.

He thought back to the moment when they'd found the children; the way his scouts – not much older themselves – moved so solemnly among the refugees, giving all the water they carried – their entire allotment for the night's march given away, from one mouth to the next, until the last drops had been squeezed from the skins. And then the Khundryl youths could only stand, helpless, each surrounded by children who reached out – not to grasp or demand, but to touch, and in that touch give thanks.
Not for the water – that was gone – but for the gesture.

How far must one fall, to give thanks for nothing but desire? Empty intent?

The ones who drove you away…

But we have allies, and there is no barrier before them, nothing to slow their march on Kolanse. Gesler, show Stormy the truth of this, and then cut his leash. Leave him to voice a howl to make the Hounds themselves cower! Let him loose, Ges, I beg you.

Because I don't think we can make it.

The bones of his neck grinding, Fiddler looked up, glared at the Jade Strangers. They filled the night sky now, blazing slashes across heaven's face.
Omens make me puke. I'm sick of the miserable things. But…what if you're nothing like that, you up there? What if your journey belongs to you and you alone, no destination, no reason or purpose? What if, tomorrow or the next day, you finally descend – to wipe out all of us, to make pointless our every struggle, our every great, noble cause? What is it then, O glorious universe, that you are telling us?

Destiny is a lie.

But, then, do I even care? Look at these bones we step over. We go as far as we can go, and then we stop. And that is how it is. That is all it is. So…now what?

 

‘Snakes,' said Banaschar, blinking against the hard clarity of sober vision.
It was better when everything was blurred. Much better.
‘That might have been my first fear, the one that had me stumbling right into the pit of vipers we so blithely call the Temple of D'rek. Face what you fear, isn't that the sage advice? Maybe that's sobriety's real curse, the recognition that being frightened is not character-building after all, and that the advice was shit and the world is full of liars.'

The Adjunct was silent as she walked beside him. Not that he was expecting a reply, since he was no longer certain that his words were actually getting past his throat. It was possible, indeed, highly likely, that everything he'd been saying for the past two days had been entirely in his own mind. But then, it was easier that way.

‘Rebellion. Even the word itself makes me…envious. I've never felt it – here, in my soul. Never experienced a single moment of defiant fury, of the self demanding its right to be just the way it wants to be. Even when it doesn't know what that being looks like. It just wants it.

‘Of course, drinking is the sweet surrender. The sanctum of cowards – and we're all cowards, us drunks, and don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise. It's the only thing we're good at, mostly, because it's both our reason and the means by which we run away. From everything. Which is why a drunk needs to stay drunk.'

He glanced across at her. Was she listening? Was there anything to listen to?

‘Let's move on – that subject makes me…cringe. Another grand notion awaits us, as soon as I can think of one.
Snakes, you ask?
Well, of course it was a grand notion – the girl giving us names like that. Theirs. Ours. Snakes in the desert. It's bold, if you think about it. Snakes are damned hard to kill. They slide past underfoot. They hide in plain sight.

‘So…hmm, how about knowledge? When knowing becomes a fall from grace. When truth is seen to condemn rather than liberate. When enlightenment shows nothing but the dark pathos of our endless list of failures. All that. But these attitudes, well, they come from those who want to encourage ignorance – a vital tactic in their maintenance of power. Besides, real knowledge forces one to act –

‘Or does it?'

He paused then, trying to think it through. Only to feel a spasm of fear. ‘You're right, let's move on yet again. If there's one thing I know it's that about some things I don't want to know anything. So…ah, in keeping with unexpected guests, shall we speak of heroism?'

 

Smiles staggered to one side and dropped to one knee. Bottle took up position behind her, guarding her back. The short sword in his hand seemed to be trembling all on its own.

He watched Tarr bull his way back through the milling press. His visage was darker than Bottle had ever seen before. ‘Koryk!' he snapped.

‘Here, Sergeant.'

‘You'll live?'

‘Caught a look in an eye,' the man replied, edging into view. One side of his face was sheathed in blood, but it wasn't his own. ‘Seen hyenas looking saner.' He pointed with a bloodied long knife. ‘That corporal there gave 'im a nudge…'

The man Koryk indicated was on his knees. A regular. Burly, broad-shouldered, with a knife handle jutting from the right side of his chest. Blood was streaming from his mouth and nostrils, filled with bubbles.

Tarr glared round, his eyes catching Bottle. He walked over. ‘Smiles – look at me, soldier.'

She lifted her head. ‘Like Koryk said, Sergeant – we ain't blind and we ain't stupid. Caught the same nudge, so I gave him my knife.'

Tarr met Bottle's eyes.

Bottle nodded. ‘Twelve paces between 'em, in the dark, in a crowd.'

The dying corporal had dropped his bearded chin to his chest and seemed to be staring at his knees. Corabb edged closer and gave the man a push. He fell over. The thudding impact, as he landed on the ground, spurted one last mass of foam from his mouth and nose.

‘Two down?' Tarr asked.

Bottle could feel the hatred in the eyes of the regulars crowding the scene, and he flinched when Corabb said, ‘Three, Sergeant. The first two were the distraction – two more came in low from behind, making for the wagon. I got the first one, then Cuttle chased the last one away – still after him, I guess.'

‘He's out there?' Tarr demanded. ‘Hood's breath!'

Smiles straightened and, moving drunkenly, made her way to the dead corporal, where she retrieved her knife. ‘It ain't right,' she muttered. She faced the crowd. ‘We're guarding empty casks, you damned fools!'

Someone called out, ‘Wasn't us, marine. That was the Fist's gang.'

Bottle scowled.
Blistig. Gods below.

‘Just leave us alone,' Smiles said, turning away.

Cuttle returned, caught Tarr's eye and with one hand casually brushed the crossbow slung down behind his left arm.

The sergeant faced the haulers. ‘Pull up the ropes, soldiers – let's get this moving again.'

Smiles came up to Bottle. ‘Killing our own – it ain't right.'

‘I know.'

‘You had my back – thanks.'

He nodded.

The crowd of regulars was melting away. The wagon started rolling, the squad falling in alongside it, and the bodies were left behind.

‘It's the madness,' said Corabb a short time later. ‘In Seven Cities—'

‘You don't need to tell us,' Cuttle interrupted. ‘We was there, remember?'

‘Aye. Just saying, that's all. The madness of thirst—'

‘That was planned out.'

‘The corporal, aye,' Corabb said, ‘but not that fool going for Koryk.'

‘And the ones coming in from behind? Planned, Corabb. Someone's orders. That ain't madness. That ain't anything of the sort.'

‘Mostly, I was talking about the rest of them regulars – the ones closing in on the smell of blood.'

No one had any response to that. Bottle found that he was still holding his short sword. Sighing, he sheathed it.

 

Shortnose took the blood-stained shirt and pushed it beneath the collar of the leather yoke, stuffing it across the width of his collar bones where his skin had been worn away and things were looking raw. Someone had brought him the shirt, sopping wet and warm, but all that blood didn't bother him much – he was already adding to it.

The wagon was heavy. Heavier now with children riding atop all the bundles of food. But for all their numbers, not as heavy as it should have been. That was because they were mostly starved down to bones. He didn't like thinking about that. Back when he'd been a child he remembered hungry times, but every one of those times his da would come in with something for the runts, Shortnose the runtiest of them all. A scrap. Something to chew. And his ma, she'd go out with other mas and they'd be busy for a few days and nights and then she'd come back in, sometimes bruised, sometimes weeping, but she'd have money for the table, and that money turned into food. His da used to swear a lot those times she did that.

But it was all down to feeding the runts.
‘My beautiful runts,'
his da liked saying. And then, years later, when the garrison had up and left town, suddenly Ma couldn't get the money the way she used to, but she and Da were happier for all of that anyway. Shortnose's older brothers had all gone off by then, two of 'em to war and the other one to marry Widow Karas, who was ten years older than him and who Shortnose secretly loved with all his might, so it was probably a good thing he ran away when he did, since his brother wouldn't have taken kindly to that trouble behind the barn with Karas drunk, or maybe not, and anyway it was all in good fun –

He noticed a boy walking beside him. Carrying a sack. His hands were bloody and he was licking them clean.

Brought me that shirt, did you?
‘Ain't good, runt,' he said. ‘Drinking blood.'

The boy frowned up at him, and went on with his licking until his hands were clean.

–and he'd heard later how one of his brothers got killed outside Nathilog and the other one came back with only one leg, and then the pensions came through and Ma and Da stopped having to struggle so, especially when Shortnose joined up himself and sent two-thirds of his pay back home; half of that went home to Da and Ma; the other third went to his brother and his wife, because he felt guilty about the baby and all.