The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (110 page)

his words are all to do with the bill.I don’t share the mood of Percy,

the Hotspur of the north; the one who kills six or seven dozen

Scots at breakfast, washes his hands and says to his wife,

“Damn this quiet life!I want some work!”“Oh my sweet Harry,” she says,

“How many have you killed today?” “Rinse down my roan horse,”

he says; and answers, “About fourteen, in an hour, nothing, nothing.”

Please, call in Falstaff.I’ll play Percy, and that great lout

shall play Lady Mortimer his wife.Cheers!

says the drunkard: call in these greedy devils.

POINTZ.

Welcome, Jack:where hast thou been?

Welcome, Jack: where have you been?

FAL.

A plague of all cowards, I say, and a vengeance too! marry, and

amen!--

Give me a cup of sack, boy.--Ere I lead this life long, I'll sew

nether-stocks, and mend them and foot them too. A plague of all

cowards!--

Give me a cup of sack, rogue.--Is there no virtue extant?

Damn all cowards, I say, and revenge on them too!Yes, amen

to that!

Give me a cup of sack, boy.I’d rather sew stockings and mend them

than live this life.Damnation to all cowards!

Give me a cup of sack, scoundrel.Are there no good men left?

[Drinks.]

PRINCE.

Didst thou never see Titan kiss a dish of butter? pitiful-hearted

butter, that melted at the sweet tale of the Sun! if thou didst,

then behold that compound.

Didn’t you ever see the sun shining on a dish of butter?Soft

hearted butter, that melted at a touch of the sun!If you did,

you can see it in front of you here.

FAL.

You rogue, here's lime in this sack too:there is nothing but roguery

to be found in villainous man:yet a coward is worse than a cup of

sack with lime in it, a villanous coward.--Go thy ways, old Jack:die

when thou wilt, if manhood, good manhood, be not forgot upon the face

of the Earth, then am I a shotten herring. There live not three good

men unhang'd in England; and one of them is fat, and grows old: God

help the while! a bad world, I say.

I would I were a weaver; I could sing psalms or any thing. A plague of

all cowards! I say still.

You rogue, there’s lime in this sack as well: all one finds in villainous mankind

is roguery: but a coward is worse than a cup of sack with lime in it,

a villainous coward – go about your business, old Jack: whenever

you die, if manhood, good manhood, hasn’t vanished

from the face of the earth then I’m a dried up herring.There aren’t three good

men left unhanged in England, and one of them is old and fat, God help us,

it’s a bad world, I say.I wish I was a weaver; I could sing psalms,

or anything.I still say, damnation to all cowards.

PRINCE.

How now, wool-sack? what mutter you?

What’s this, wool sack?What are you muttering about?

FAL.

A king's son! If I do not beat thee out of thy kingdom with a dagger

of lath, and drive all thy subjects afore thee like a flock of

wild-geese, I'll never wear hair on my face more. You Prince of Wales!

A king’s son!If I don’t drive you out of your kingdom with a wooden

dagger, with all your subjects running ahead like a flock

of wild geese, I’ll cut my beard off.You, Prince of Wales!

PRINCE.

Why, you whoreson round man, what's the matter?

Why, you round old son of a bitch, what’s the matter?

FAL.

Are not you a coward? answer me to that:--and Pointz there?

Aren’t you a coward?Answer me that: and Pointz there?

POINTZ.

Zwounds, ye fat paunch, an ye call me coward, by the Lord, I'll

stab thee.

By heaven, you great fatty, if you call me a coward, by God

I’ll stab you.

FAL.

I call thee coward!I'll see thee damn'd ere I call thee coward:

but I would give a thousand pound, I could run as fast as thou canst.

You are straight enough in the shoulders; you care not who sees your

back:call you that backing of your friends? A plague upon such

backing! give me them that will face me.--Give me a cup of sack:

I am a rogue, if I drunk to-day.

I, call you a coward!I’ll see you damned before I call you a coward:

but I would give a thousand pounds, to be able to run as fast as you.

Your shoulders are straight enough; you don’t care who sees your

back: do you call that supporting your friends?Damn such supporters!

Give me ones who’ll face me. – Give me a cup of sack:

I’m a rogue if I’ve had a drink yet today.

PRINCE.

O villain! thy lips are scarce wiped since thou drunk'st last.

You villain!You’ve hardly wiped the last drink off your lips!

FAL.

All is one for that. A plague of all cowards! still say I.

Whatever.Damn all cowards, I still say!

[Drinks.]

PRINCE.

What's the matter?

What’s the matter?

FAL.

What's the matter? there be four of us here have ta'en a thousand

pound this day morning.

What’s the matter?Four of us here stole a thousand

pounds this morning.

PRINCE.

Where is it, Jack? where is it?

Where is it, Jack, where is it?

FAL.

Where is it! taken from us it is:a hundred upon poor four of us!

Where is it!Taken from us, a hundred setting on we poor four!

PRINCE.

What, a hundred, man?

What, a hundred of them, man?

FAL.

I am a rogue, if I were not at half-sword with a dozen of them two

hours together. I have 'scaped by miracle. I am eight times thrust

through the doublet, four through the hose; my buckler cut through

and through; my sword hack'd like a hand-saw,--ecce signum! I never

dealt better since I was a man:all would not do. A plague of all

cowards! Let them speak:if they speak more or less than truth,

they are villains and the sons of darkness.

I’m a scoundrel, if I wasn’t in close combat with a dozen of them

for two hours at a stretch.I escaped by a miracle.I’ve taken eight

stabs through my jacket, four through my stockings, my belt has been

chopped to pieces, my sword is notched like a handsaw-

there’s the proof!I never fought better in my life:

not everyone could have done that!Damn all cowards!

Let them explain themselves, and if they say more or less

than the truth, they are villains and devils.

PRINCE.

Speak, sirs; how was it?

Speak, sirs; what happened?

GADS.

We four set upon some dozen,--

We four set on a dozen men –

FAL.

Sixteen at least, my lord.

Sixteen at least, my lord.

GADS.

--and bound them.

And tied them up.

PETO.

No, no; they were not bound.

No, they weren’t tied.

FAL.

You rogue, they were bound, every man of them; or I am a Jew

else, an Ebrew Jew.

You scoundrel, they were tied up, every one of them; otherwise

I’m a Jew, a Jewish Jew.

GADS.

As we were sharing, some six or seven fresh men set upon us,--

As we were sharing out the money, six or seven new men set on us-

FAL.

And unbound the rest, and then come in the other.

And untied the rest, who then joined in with them.

PRINCE.

What, fought you with them all?

What, did you fight them all?

FAL.

All? I know not what you call all; but if I fought not with fifty

of them, I am a bunch of radish:if there were not two or three

and fifty upon poor old Jack, then am I no two-legged creature.

All?I don’t know what you mean by all; but if I didn’t fight

fifty of them, I’m a bunch of radishes: If there weren’t fifty-two

or three on poor old Jack, I’m not a man.

PRINCE.

Pray God you have not murdered some of them.

I pray to God you didn’t murder any of them.

FAL.

Nay, that's past praying for: I have pepper'd two of them; two I

am sure I have paid, two rogues in buckram suits. I tell thee what,

Hal, if I tell thee a lie, spit in my face, call me horse.

Thou knowest my old ward:here I lay, and thus I bore my point.

Four rogues in buckram let drive at me,--

No good praying for that: I’ve drilled holes in two of them; I’m sure

I killed two, two rogues in canvas overalls.I tell you what,

Hal, if I tell you a lie, spit in my face and call me a horse.

You know how I stand in a fight: this was my guard, and I thrust like this.

Four scoundrels in canvas suits set on me –

PRINCE.

What, four? thou saidst but two even now.

What, four?It was two just now.

FAL.

Four, Hal; I told thee four.

Four, Hal; I said four.

POINTZ.

Ay, ay, he said four.

Yes, yes, he said four.

FAL.

These four came all a-front, and mainly thrust at me. I made me no more

ado but took all their seven points in my target, thus.

These four attacked me from the front, and attacked me strongly.I didn’t

mess about but fended off all seven swords with my shield, like this.

PRINCE.

Seven? why, there were but four even now.

Seven?What, there were only four just now.

FAL.

In buckram?

In canvas?

POINTZ.

Ay, four, in buckram suits.

Yes, four, in canvas overalls.

FAL.

Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else.

Seven, I swear on my sword, or I’m a villain.

PRINCE.

[aside to Pointz.] Pr'ythee let him alone; we shall have more

anon.

Let him run on; there’ll be more of them soon.

FAL.

Dost thou hear me, Hal?

Are you listening, Hal?

PRINCE.

Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.

Yes, and noting what you say, Jack.

FAL.

Do so, for it is worth the listening to. These nine in buckram

that I told thee of,--